My mum is a hoarder...

[tonyharrisonboosh]

Feeling really sad tonight.

My mum has always liked her "stuff" and although it annoyed my dad and me, we still could function on 0ur three bed semi. She has gradually gotten worse as she has aged. I left home about seven years ago and haven't been back as felt that I didn't want to row with her about the state of the house. Quite frankly it gives me terrible anxiety and I worry for my my parents as they are in poor health. My poor dad has a tiny portion of the house to himself and the rest is a cluttered mess. He has given up trying to get my mum to see sense and just seems to exist among the chaos.

I have come to visit this weekend bringing my four year old as he has never been to visit his grandparent at their house before. We were meant to be staying at their house and I have her two months warning that we were coming. My mum has apparently been trying to clean up but today I walked in and the place stank to high heaven and both the beds that my son and I were meant to be sleeping in are covered in bags of clothes and books etc. We have ended up booking a hotel room for the night and I'm regretting coming. I don't know what to do. I have tried giving her tough love, I've offered to come and help her get rid of some of the clutter. I have tried offering her money for new carpets if she can clear the place. I have explained to her that it will only get harder and she gets older to sort it out. She has even seen a counsellor about her obsession of collecting things. Nothing seems to work. I hate myself for thinking it but I wish I could just go no contact and not have this hanging over me. I love my mum but right now I really resent her for her hoarding and what I perceive as bloody selfish behaviour.

Thanks all for the replies.

As for the origins of her hoarding, it only really started about 20 years ago when I was 16. Up until then we lived in army quarters and moved a lot so we didn't accumulate a lot of stuff. The only thing that I can see causing her disorder is the fact that my grandma used to prefer a tidy house and sometimes threw my mums toys away if she left them put for too long. Apart from that she had a good relationship with her mum.

I understand why people are thinking that I'm being too hard on her but what about my dad? I can see how it has worn him down. As much as I love my mum, she surely shod consider him, me and my sister and agree to at least see about getting some help. She is very outgoing and is always out and about so definitely doesn't lock herself away.

Thank you to the people that posted links. I will do some investigating.

Quite honestly I'm really worried for her. She does in for gastric band surgery in August and I've quite firmly told her that she will need to have a clear and clean space to recover. She currently sleeps on her sofa as her bed is used to store mountains of clothes.

I have returned home today and spoke to her before I left. I told her how worried I am and told her I would always help her but she needs to be ready to actually get rid of stuff. She has told me that she will try but I've heard it all before so I'm not holding my breath.

Hi OP how is her mobility? If she has OT input while in hospital, they may offer a home environment visit prior to discharge. However if deemed to have capacity she can refuse this, or even if they flag up an issue she can still refuse intervention.

It's an illness. I too have a hoarding relative.

You won't fix them. You can only modify your own response to it.

My boundaries are I don't go to the house if I can at all help it e.g arrange to meet a neutral venue/ host myself.
If I do have to go the only food / drink I consume is stuff I arrive with/ order to the house e.g takeaway as the kitchen situation is grim.

I don't try to fix the house situation at all anymore and politely rebuff the "helpful" suggestions from well meaning relatives/ friends who don't understand hoarding and think that if we go in and tidy up it will all magically get better and stay that way.

Hah fucking hah.
Been there. Got that t-shirt. The house is worse than ever.

Really looking forward to the house clearance and trying to sell a house that is essentially propped up by really useful boxes when the time comes...

I have have aunt who lives like this. She has no children, so it will be down to me and my mother (her sister) to sort it once she sadly pops off. I do feel resentful about that, but I try my absolute best to remind myself she can't help it, it is a response to grief and sadness for her (really sad backstory here).

My mum though really wants to fix it and spends ages trying to help here DSis declutter, I think she knows it's hopeless but she feels so sorry for her.

I don't take the kids there as it is not a healthy environment. She understands this although she is sad about it. Sometimes Aunt comes to stay with us for a break, and the kids enjoy her visits. You need to try and find a compromise you are happy with as trying to help with the hoard is usually hopeless I'm afraid.

So OP are you U.K.? England?
I too am a bit of a hoarder but I keep it under control and my slightly hoarding children and I try to clear out regularly of our saved junk! I've told my children when it gets bad and I'm older they are to clear my house and throw it and I will give them Power of attorney to enable them to do so !!

In U.K. hoarding is a recognised illness and if it is impacting on either dad or mums disability needs it can be considered self neglect, fire hazard and potential non statutory safeguarding if not too bad (statutory if it includes serious self neglect and disrepair of toilet and cooking facilities and blocking or fire escape routes)

Maybe contact local authority to ask for advice and any help they can suggest. They will risk assess from what you say and consider it and what advice they can give at that time- it will be at least logged

Ps I'm not that bad as walk ways are clear but I have a couple rooms that are very messy with stuff I don't need to keep. I know full well when I get older I'm at risk of not doing that, so that's why my children will be give LPA Heath and welfare as well as LPA finances and property

I really feel for you as your mum cleared the property enough for it to STILL be too cluttered and unsuitable for you and DC to stay over in

By hoarding tendencies I mean we find it difficult to throw stuff and aren't minimalist - I look at my collection of books and important paperwork and know it has to go!

But proper hoarding and I think we all know who we are who are at risk of it, is when each room is filled ,stuff is everywhere on every surface and walkways aren't clear getting narrower to get past hoarded piles

You risk getting vermin you can't see
Fire hazards
Unable to get by to get around without tripping
If you neglect your property by filling up rooms you will likely also neglect repairs to electrics, bathrooms, general upkeep of house and multiple risks in kitchen

chocolatebuttercream
You are spot on !

Hoarding is hopelessness, feeling overwhelmed , anxiety about throwing out something precious in all the things you want to keep and at times a reaction in grief or feeling unable to cope and wanting not to make a decision about every little things as they can't

What your mum is doing for her Dsis is an absolute kindness to help her clear gently at a pace she can cope with

I cleared my late sisters immaculate but hoarded house and ended up with two rooms in my house of her stuff I couldn't let go of. (Hardly anything of what she had collected are to me so she had a lot of stuff, over the years but was brilliantly organised although very tightly packed into her small house !)

I had an old aunt who never threw anything away - she did buy a lot of stuff, too, and happily never got to use the Internet or she might have developed an eBay habit. Once at her request I agreed to go through one room with her but we got nowhere....every tiny broken or crappy item had to be discussed and reflected upon before it could be chucked. I think we managed three under the bed drawers before I gave up.

When she slowed down with advanced age things got a bit better. Her carers tidied everything into drawers, boxes, wardrobes and cupboards, and into all the rooms she didn’t use, clearing bathroom and kitchen so they were usable, and the house was clean enough as she had a regular cleaner. She didn’t go out so couldn’t buy more stuff.

When she died, it took forever to clear her house out, obviously. I don’t even think she ever really acknowledged there was a problem. It didn’t interfere with her life as she never had guests and didn’t want them.

I feel for you op, we have a similar situation with my df's partner.
Df coped really well after we lost dm, house was clean, tidy, he cooked after years of dm doing all the domestic work.
New partner moves in and now you can't move for crap everywhere, can't see the floor in the spare bedroom, kitchen is filthy.
She is almost housebound so spends all day online shopping for whatever random stuff she thinks they need.
It upsets me immensely as that's the home I grew up in, dm would be horrified to see her home in that state. BUT ultimately it's not my home, not my life, df has to sort it out for himself. Can't see anything changing any time soon though.
I just try to meet my df away from the house as much as possible.

My late husband was a hoarder.He would through nothing out ''in case it came in handy''. This was partly due to his upbringing, his mother was brought up in poverty and instilled in her children that nothing was got rid of because you might not afford to replace it. This is understandable when money is in short supply but he earned a good wage but kept buying things to add his stash.
I am still two years after his death trying to dispose of it all.Covid has not helped as a lot of places that would have accepted it have closed.
You have my sympathy.

I think many PPs and recent ones have said how tough it is. It is often triggered by poverty when younger or young adults, wanting to save things that might be useful later and those precious memories. Or "stocking up" or a shopping habit even if a second hand items one.
It's really hard to break and gets worse as someone gets less mobile or their mental health becomes more affected .

The best way to deal with it's by kindness and a lot of work by relatives that are prepared to be a bit bossy and negotiate in a tough love way with the Person.

Once it gets too far gone and tough and services - such as environmental health snd adult social services- are involved, it ends up with professionals having to do this .

It took me every weekend for nearly 6 months to clear my uncle's house after he died. I had to remove rank carpets and clearing the bathroom and rotten food in the kitchen made me gag. He was a lovely kind man but like your DM would not accept any help or even let anyone across the threshold in his last couple of years. Interesting what PP have said about childhood trauma as he definitely had a poor upbringing which i think sadly contributed to him wanting to hoard after having nothing as a child during WW2
Adult social services didnt want to know as he had full capacity and sadly eventually a fall inside the house proved to be the start of the end.

Another one who’s been through this! You have my sympathy OP.

As others have said, it is an illness, I was so disappointed that mum’s hoard was more important to her than us staying with her although she adored my dds but it was out of her control.

Once she had left the house it took me a full 6 months to sort and I have promised my two I won’t do the same to them! (There might still be done boxes hidden away!) Xxx

Dm must have a sad life if you genuinely thought becoming a grandmother would fix her awful emotional disorder. She needs attention paid to her, not the baby, to be honest.

Be as gentle and positive as you would be with a baby, too.

Supersimkin2

this was a long time ago before it was identified as an illness and before you could find other people going through the same as you so easily!

Growing up as the child of a hoarder has its own issues and for a long time i truly thought I was the only person this had happened too. We were very close and I was always kind to her about it as I could see how restrictive it was to her own life.

Does she have a good relationship with your Dad? Perhaps you could approach it from the angle of what an effect it is having on him. If he was in the forces then I'd assume he was accustomed to living in a clean and tidy environment. Would he leave your Mum over this? Could you use it as leverage? I understand that hoarding is complicated and this advice may be no use whatsoever!

In terms of yourself, I wouldn't go to the house. Meet somewhere neutral or invite them to yours. It's the one thing you can control. That and your reaction to her.

People saying meet her where she is are, sadly, right. My mother was a hoarder and I ended up reading about it quite a lot. It didn’t cure her but it did make me feel better.

Very very few hoarders change, even after years of intensive therapy. You talking to her is unlikely to do anything; and clearing up used to just make my mother feel worse. I still tried though, over and over.

In that respect it’s a bit like dealing with an alcoholic as you can’t fix it and the bottle/the things will always win.

Some of the replies I've read on here are unfucking believable. She has an illness. No amount of you telling her off of showing your disappointment will make any difference. And, your dad is an adult. Would you really tell your mum that her husband will leave her if she doesn't stop hoarding?
My guess would be that its the years spent in army accommodation and not being able to have many personal items that added to the problem

@Sugarplumfairy65

It may have escaped your attention but people are offering suggestions to try and help. Funnily enough, the majority of us aren't experts on hoarding. Don't dismiss other people's contributions as 'unfucking believable'.

Op's Mum hasn't always been like this.

I have a few issues and I would be gutted if someone told me they were making DH miserable. He's the most important person in my life. It's highly unlikely that Op's Mum would snap into action clearing the house but it might prompt her to seek professional help. Apparently, she doesn't want help at the moment but adding family members and the effect the hoarding has on them into the mix might add leverage.

@alexdgr8

i think you were expecting too much of her. your son loves her and loves being with her. he doesn't judge her. he doesn't see or care about the mess. he sees and loves the person. she is suffering from this condition. i can see that it is disappointing for you, but really that is your lack of understanding. you can still visit, stay in a motel. or have her to visit you. just try to accept her, love her, and ignore her surroundings.

I would say you don't have anyone close to you that is a hoarder

It sounds as if the only things you can actually do is meet your dm away from their house, and to talk to your df about how he's doing.

My mum was like this and there was nothing we could do. We made the decision that our children wouldn’t visit her house as the risks were too high. They still had a relationship with her. She stayed with us or we had holidays together. We’d stay in a hotel near hers sometimes and meet for day trips.
When the time comes to clear the house, I highly recommend using a house clearance service. It will spare you a lot of time and stress and ease the very difficult feelings a little.

My dad was a hoarder and my brother is. Definitely back story of bereavement and frequent changes of home across about 10 different countries when growing up for my dad so wanting to hold on to something of his past and for my brother, mental illness and trauma. What can be upsetting as the child of a hoarder is the feeling that the stuff ultimately matters more than relationships. Also the frustration when being repeatedly asked to help yet being met with refusal to dispose of what is effectively junk (to us) but precious possessions to the hoarder. I’m talking broken chairs, broken white goods, props for long abandoned hobbies, old tins with 1” of rock hard paint at the bottom, my old A level notes ( you may want to teach biology one day- err no, I’ve been in a different profession for 10 years now) , single shoes etc etc. Aaargh.

In the kindest way, focus on your Dad. This must be a truly miserable existence for him. If you're that stressed visiting, imagine living in it.

It's not as simple as hiring a skip and chucking it all out, no matter how tempting. I'd get SS involved, as they could be both classed as at risk due to their living conditions.