Took Dad to a care home yesterday. Today he has asked me to take him home.

[spababe]

Only child and have been doing some of the caring for my DD. Carers were going in morning and evening and I was doing lunches, shopping, finances etc.
He said he would try a care home as we thought he would better to have someone on hand all the time. I'm not far away but I hate the responsibility. Plus if I want a 'day off' or any kind of short break holiday, he is not keen on carers doing lunch as they don't do it the way he is used to and basically he wants me.
He's been in the care home 24 hours. He's having to isolate in his room to begin with because of covid (he tests negative but those are the rules atm). He's messaged me to say that he has no hot water so hasn't shaved and he's refused to eat supper and he wants me to go and get him and take him home.
Tricky because I have obvs cancelled all his normal carers and also I have to move a uni son into a new flat tomorrow.
Dad is very upset and I'm in tears. I have no idea what to do.

Sadly I think even the most caring of parents can become self centred when they’re very old. Life becomes about their ailments and their priorities in a way that would probably shock them if they still were as self aware as they had been.My own lovely dad really didn’t react to the deaths of very old friends, he had kind of distanced himself from outside emotions iyswimeven though he was mentally still very sharp.

I've stalled him for the moment said I will visit Saturday and we can decide what to do then. The guilt is horrible.

I can imagine it is

@angstridden2

Sadly I think even the most caring of parents can become self centred when they’re very old. Life becomes about their ailments and their priorities in a way that would probably shock them if they still were as self aware as they had been.My own lovely dad really didn’t react to the deaths of very old friends, he had kind of distanced himself from outside emotions iyswimeven though he was mentally still very sharp.

ok, I hear you, but what's going on really, he's mentally sharp you say but also doesnt have self awareness, is that not contradictory? Is it more that one learns to control emotions and learns the techniques to switch off and not care about others? Perhaps it is a necessary fiction that we pretend the elderly are still the same as people as they were when younger?

I think they can be mentally sharp in some areas eg able to do crosswords but not in others eg not coping well with changes or not being able to do a complex task eg moving to a care home or moving out for that matter. He has not thought 'oh there is no food at home, the carers will need to be scheduled again, I need to book an ambulance to move me' etc
So he has his own home and his own mind but he wouldn't be able to leave without me organising it all.

Perhaps it is a necessary fiction that we pretend the elderly are still the same as people as they were when younger? I don’t think any of us is the same person that we were at 20, so it wouldn’t be surprising if we were different again at 90

@o8T8o

I can't imagine wanting to be such a blight on my children's lives😕

My mum all throughout my life told me to put her in a home and not give up my life to care for her. Then she had a catastrophic stroke and needed carers 4 times a day with me doing all the shopping, finances, taking to the numerous hospital appointments. She didn't realise how bad things were because of the stroke, the day I had to have the conversation about a home she cried and begged me not to do it. Things change and illness and old age can make people unable to see the reality of the situation.

One of the things I am so grateful my grandmother did was to say, from the day she was 60, that if she needed to be in a care home we (family) should make her go.

In the end she went for 2 weeks while the council were fitting a new bathroom and bedroom and then stayed long term.

Talk tot he staff, both my grandmothers were in care homes for a while and it is the staff that make the place.

My father's mother had her nails done by the staff and some came to her funeral.

My mother's mother thrived in a care home. She often didn't eat or told carers to just make her a sandwich (and fetch brandy from the shop, but that's another story ) but in the care home she was sat at a table with other people and offered a choice of hot meal.

It's horrible when a parent is upset but he needs to give it more time.

I repeat, talk to the staff, is he in the habit of getting up early? If the staff don't know his usual routine then they can't match it but if they know then they can try so if he likes to be out of bed at 6am they can help him do that.

Does he know what activities are available after quarantine? Is there something he would enjoy? My grandmother had options of wine and cheese tasting and trips out to the seaside they also had a film night.

He might have some ideas of things he'd like to take part in.

When you visit can you do a zoom meeting type look around?

Has he got his own things around him? One of my grandmothers took some furniture with her.

Check out the room, could it be set out better? One grandmother we asked to move the bed so she could see out the window (she was paralyzed from the waist down by this point).

Is he still able to do things like make a pot of tea? If he is safe to then his own kettle in his room might be an idea.

I hope your visit goes well and he is more settled.

Great post from sashh. I just want to suggest filling in a this is me form and sending it to the home.

It's a form designed for the families of people with Dementia to fill in but in the case of your DF, it might help the staff to know more about him and help him to settle more quickly.

I've been today and he has made his mind up to go back home. He says I don't need to do lunches and he will do them if I write him some instructions. I thought he would enjoy the company of other residents eg playing cards but NOW the care home tells me the other residents won't be up to that although that's not what they said when I looked around. I've decided to facilitate his move back to his house and rewrite the rules on what I am prepared to do to help him so that we can come to an agreement that suits us both.
Thanks for all the support and advice on here. It gave me 'permission' to think of myself as well as him although he has already realised that I need some freedom myself.

Hmm not what people want to hear - but ime care homes tend to be mainly populated by those with dementia. And yes, care homes will ‘lie’ to get your business.
Can you supplement his carers with a companion sitter? Age concern or a village good neighbours group maybe able to help. Quite often they were volunteers. It might help to just take the pressure of you if he does go back home.
When mil was at home, and I was her carer, the local council had a scheme which I signed up to. Basically, you gave them all the details raising your loved one and they gave you a tag (I put it on my keys). In an accident/emergency they would provide three free days of care and help with sourcing additional care for mil, should the three days not be enough.
Perhaps use a care home as respite care in future whilst you have a proper break/holiday. One day he may like it and stay.

Oh Spa so sorry it hasn’t worked out. This is what I fear would happen with my mum and as I said she’s living in a council flat so wouldn’t have long to make her mind up. At least it seems he’s realising you need your time and space, just make sure things don’t slip back, to how they were. It’s so hard, I’ve been unwell this week, and missed one of my days to visit mum, she rang, barely asked how I was, just got on her high horse about how she thinks the hospital have forgotten about her, they haven’t, but she has short term memory loss so can’t remember they told her she doesn’t need to go anymore. Then went on to tell me she’s pig sick and nobody cares. 🙄 Made me feel so much better 😡

Have you looked into meals on wheels provided by the Council, you don’t have to have them everyday but it might help give you a few days off doing lunches each week.

My Mum was in a nursing home for 6 years, although she was looked after quite well, it’s not for everyone.

About 40% of councils still do meals on wheels. Worth looking into if you’re one of the lucky ones. As well as the meal, it’s someone extra to alert you if things aren’t right

So he won’t expect to see you everyday?

You can get meals delivered by other companies not just the council meals on wheels service.

Sorry it hasn't worked out but as he is mentally able it's very difficult to argue. There's nothing stopping the morning carers leaving lunch for him to have later is there? I would still do a weekly shop and the finances. Do you have POA? Very important to get that in place if not. Can you cut your visits to every 2 or 3 days? Then he can have his lunch the way he likes it on those days. But you're right to start cutting back. At the moment respite is a bit awkward due to isolating but worth thinking about for a couple of days every now and then? This way he could be 'eased' into long term care. Good luck, you deserve a break.

Sorry it's not working out OP

Would he consider a 'retirement village' type option?

Re meals on Wheels, my council provide them to anyone who asks, they deliver a hot meal every day and you can also opt for a 'tea' to be delivered at the same time, that's a sandwich, a biscuit or cake and fruit.

They also supply people in adjoining areas within a 4 mile radius.

I've used them when I have not been well enough to cook and they are OK, not fancy posh food but filling and the puds are good.

They are fairly flexible as long as you order / cancel before 9am on the day of delivery.

There are 4 options of what you might call British food, 2 meat, 1 fish, 1 veg on a two week rota, then there are 2 Asian options, one meat one veg and a Caribbean option.

Does your dad have a social worker? It might be worth contacting the council to see what is available apart from carers, some places have volunteers who make phone calls to people who may be lonely (not saying your dad is) and there might be support for you as a carer.

Thanks for the food ideas - he has ready meals from Waitrose which he is happy with.

I got him home but the carers he had before won't start again until next week as they do not have capacity. I'm just grateful to get the same people back.
We are already in trouble tbh and I have told him I cannot cope with the constant things I am expected to do. I've had enough.
He refuses to look at another care home.
He rings me when he needs things and is still expecting me to go around most days. For example, I said I was not going today then he rang with a personal hygiene thing that just could not wait.
How the hell do I ever get a holiday with DH or what happens if we have to self-isolate because of Covid? I have no idea and I'm very fed up.

Will it be easier when the carers restart next week? You said earlier you were going to have a discussion with him around finding a solution that worked for both of you. Perhaps you need to think what that could be, what you can do without it being too much for you. Set your limits so to speak. I read somewhere that you should only do what you can do with love and not do any more as that causes resentment. I think that's a good way to look at it. I see my mother once a week, she phones a lot but I try and stick to once a week unless it's an emergency, even then that counts as the weekly visit. As regards a holiday if you want one you should book it. I understand the "no one asked me" comment. My mother has just booked 2 hospital appointments that she did the chasing for. They didn't chase her. Then she announces the dates to the only person that's there to take her, ie me. I have an appt the day of one of them so I've told her that's a non starter. She says she will think of something?? Yes she thinks I will work it out. No one can fix old age but the old person has to help. Your dad didn't want the nursing home so it's up to him to make it work and cooperate. Book your break and go, especially if the carers are back next week. Is all this affecting your husband and son? Did your father have a caring role when younger? My parents did no caring and said they had a life to lead when they were asked to do caring. Odd that dont you think? That helps me see the reality and become that bit harder with my boundaries.

Very wise thank you @doodleZ1

My Dad did care for my Mum before she died but he did not care for his parents - left it up to his 2 sisters who lived nearer.
I am trying to step back and leave him to it a bit more. Him wanting to be at home and claiming he will cope has made me a bit more aware of the needs of myself and DH and DS. It's almost like I have to give a good excuse not to go - anyone else feel that way?

Are you allowed to take your Mum to a hospital appt? Are they letting you in? Maybe she can get a taxi??

Oh spa I do feel for you. Do what you need to whilst the Carer’s are away, but make sure your dad understands you won’t be able to go everyday. I went got Mums shopping yesterday and paid a couple of bills, spoke to the DR today about some new medication, phoned mum to tell her she said what time will you be coming ,I just said not today mum I came yesterday, tried to stayed cheerful on the phone. She rings twice a day, but I keep those short and pleasant.
He will get used to it eventually. If he’s not coping could you have more care visits up to 4 a day here in my area. Would he be able to go to a day centre. Sometimes they have volunteers that pick them up. I’m going to broach this with my mum especially for during the winter. Good luck let us know how your getting on.

Mums issue is she is visually impaired so she can't really do much by herself but wants to continue doing everything she did when dad was alive. I took her to a hospital appt recently and she could only make out the top 3 words on the chart. Even I was shocked. Anyway the nurse asked if we wanted referred to the RNIB. She said no and I nodded that we did. Mum agreed eventually but when the woman phoned her she said she was fine, needed no help. The RNIB woman phoned me and said there's nothing they can do if she says she doesn't need help. She's doesn't want the so called authorities to find out her issues and so she denies having issues. Of course until she has a letter she wants me to read or a phone call to make or an appt to take her to. Or groceries to order etc etc etc. Many many appts. Yes the hospital let's me in with her. It's difficult if her sight was better I could say get a taxi without feeling guilty. The RNIB offered a volunteer to take her shopping. She refused. She doesn't want a stranger taking her shopping. Why would I want that she said? She won't try anything that will help her or make less work for us. I don't even think she realises the stress she causes. Mum never worked and has no friends. My brothers hundreds of miles away. It's not easy but once a week is okay for me and the answering machine takes her phone calls and I answer them when I'm ready. At least then I'm forewarned about what her issues are. Mum always asks where I've been and my default answer is gardening or out a walk. If you are not answering your phone you have your excuse, you are not in. Make yourself less available would be my advice.

Doodle i totally get it, My mum has poor vision too owing to wet macular, and is constantly asking to go back to the hospital, but because she has short term memory loss forgets she’s been then the whole thing starts again. It is the most difficult thing.
The worst thing is there’s no one to take over, I’m an only one, and sounds like you don’t have any support either. We have just just had a holiday though and she was fine, lonely but fine.
I feel guilty all the time, I know I shouldn’t, but then if I devoted more time to mum I’d feel guilty about not being there for my DH and grandchildren , can’t win . As I tell mum I try to be fair to everyone, I’m 64 and still working part time too, so no time for me.
Mum complains bitterly about the answer phone and has now stopped leaving messages, her choice I ring back like you when I’m ready with the same excuses as you. She has an alarm to press if it’s an emergency anyway, everything else can wait a while.

Mums  always threatening  to cancel her carers, and I think she probably will soon, ive told her it’s madness she’s 90. 🙈 
   If they won’t accept help and still have the capacity to make their own decisions, there’s really nothing you can do only watch and wait.

@Katyy cancel her carers because she thinks you will do it instead and she prefers you?? Nip this in the bud now if that's not what you want and make it clear you won't be taking over

Yeah your right spa, says she can manage on her own, she can whilst she’s well, but there only seems to be a few week between illnesses these days. I won’t be doing anymore than I already do.

@spababe

Thanks for the food ideas - he has ready meals from Waitrose which he is happy with.

I got him home but the carers he had before won't start again until next week as they do not have capacity. I'm just grateful to get the same people back.
We are already in trouble tbh and I have told him I cannot cope with the constant things I am expected to do. I've had enough.
He refuses to look at another care home.
He rings me when he needs things and is still expecting me to go around most days. For example, I said I was not going today then he rang with a personal hygiene thing that just could not wait.
How the hell do I ever get a holiday with DH or what happens if we have to self-isolate because of Covid? I have no idea and I'm very fed up.

It's such a shame you gave in to bringing him home. Had you not sorted things he'd have had to taken the time to settle himself in the care home. As soon as the carers start back you need to step back, tell him you are no longer available for any kind of care and that the most you can do is call in a couple of times a week for a visit. That visit should not entail any care, cleaning or cooking whatsoever. It should just be a social visit. Stick to your guns. He's made his decision to go home so he needs to own it and let the carers, cleaners do the work they are being paid to do and not expect you to do it.