Took Dad to a care home yesterday. Today he has asked me to take him home.

[spababe]

Only child and have been doing some of the caring for my DD. Carers were going in morning and evening and I was doing lunches, shopping, finances etc.
He said he would try a care home as we thought he would better to have someone on hand all the time. I'm not far away but I hate the responsibility. Plus if I want a 'day off' or any kind of short break holiday, he is not keen on carers doing lunch as they don't do it the way he is used to and basically he wants me.
He's been in the care home 24 hours. He's having to isolate in his room to begin with because of covid (he tests negative but those are the rules atm). He's messaged me to say that he has no hot water so hasn't shaved and he's refused to eat supper and he wants me to go and get him and take him home.
Tricky because I have obvs cancelled all his normal carers and also I have to move a uni son into a new flat tomorrow.
Dad is very upset and I'm in tears. I have no idea what to do.

Hes in the first awkward weeks of settling in. 24 hrs isnt any time to get the feel for a place while isolating . Ring the home talk to the staff about the water situation and try and convince him to give it another couple of days .

If you’re confident this is the best thing long term for you both you’ll both just have to give it time. Can you ring the home and speak to whoever is in charge so they can go and see him / get him something else to eat if he’ll try something else? It’s very early days.

It's really hard but you must not go for him.
It doesn't sound like it will be in his best interests for you to take him back home.
It will all be very new and strange for him and it's not surprising he is looking for faults to get you to go and get him or saying he's not going to eat so that you'll come and he can persuade you to get him the hell out!.
Really tough for you but give it time.

I work in care homes but not as a carer, rest assured this is completely normal. It may take him a few weeks to settle in to his new routine but eventually there will be acceptance.
As for the hot water I would ring and check, does he look after his own personal care?

Thank you for the replies - @crimsonlake they should have washed him this morning and helped him to dress but by the time they got to him he had just dressed himself somehow without the wash.

You think long term and you leave him there to settle.
Surely he isn't willing to let you be his runaround , especially if you have a job, a household and family of your own? He'd really let you do that? Indefinitely?!
We 'scrimp and save all our lives' to buy in care as needed as we age.. Nows the time for the rainy day money to be used for his own well being and safety. Our DC have their own lives to live.
His wants don't trump yours.

@spababe
@Feilin

Felilin is right.
Say you can come in 4 days.
And check if the water thing is right.

Then talk to him in four days etc …
I guess the change is horrid etc but it should
Give it a real shot

Definitely wait the covid isolation out. My mum had to go into hospital for a few days but cried because she didn't want to.I felt dreadful. Turned out she loved it in there. She had people to talk to all the time, she liked the food, she liked the staff chatting about different travels etc. They whisked her round the hospital for scans and things. She had a wail of time. Wasn't interested in speaking to me at all. It's given me a lot of confidence that as long as we get a nice home for her, she'll settle in just fine. He just needs a bit of time to find his feet and for isi routine and their routine to mesh. Just keep fobbing him off with excuses til he gets used to it.
So hard.

Having been in this situation myself I just wanted to send and say I feel for you so much.

So so hard for both of you x

Definitely talk to the staff, in a good home they’ll do everything they can to make him feel at home.
I would ring him and tell him you can’t take him home yet as you’ve your son to take to university but you will visit.
I would visit because a lot of what he is missing is seeing you. If you can visit. Maybe a drive by wave or video call by your son before he sets off to uni and a brief one when he gets there.
Your dad is probably feeling really out of the family loop now and the trick is to make him feel very included whilst staying in the care home!
When my granny was in a care home one of us visited everyday. I know that’s difficult atm, often only on our way back from town or my dad used to pop in on his way to walk the dog. It just became part of the routine, it was really odd when she died and visiting her wasn’t part of our lives

How long does he have to isolate for? That must be hard, but hopefully once able to see other people etc, it will be easier.

DH's gran was determined she would never go into a care home, but then the caring got too much for the relatives and her house wasn't suitable anymore and she kept having falls when on her own and ending up in hospital.

Went into a home for respite and loved it, had company, was able to join in with things. MIL and other relatives could just spend quality time with her rather than having to do caring duties and doing household chores.

@spababe it's often really tough the first few weeks, but he will likely feel much more settled with time.

Has he got dementia? it sounds like he doesn't, but that can also make it difficult to adjust to a new environment, especially if he's unable to retain where he is or why he's there. If he still has capacity, then he would have the right to choose where he lives and return home, but if he does this, make it clear that he would have to accept carers to do lunch, and that you cannot continue daily visits, but will of course still see him regularly. If he lacks capacity and you have LPA for health/welfare, then it's a bit simpler as you have the ability to make decisions for him. Though professionals could still hold a best interests meeting if they feel he could return home with adjustments eg increased carer visits and don't agree his needs could only be met in residential care.

Long term him being at home and returning to you doing lunches isn't sustainable, so I would gently be reminding him why he agreed to move, and get the staff onboard too so you're all giving the same reassurance/advice. Once isolation is finished and he can meet and spend time with other residents, he will hopefully start to feel more settled.

I hope it all works out- it's a very stressful process but give it time

As above...if he has his own home and has capacity to make the decision to return home then he can't be held against his will. He said he'd give it a try and hasn't had a good start there. If the carers at hone didn't make meals the way he liked them then he's unlikely to like them there.Give him a time limit and time to make a decision/set up care that doesn't rely on you. In my experience though it's hard to get someone out of a care home once they're in as inertia sets in

As PP have said if he has capacity he can leave when he wants, but you don't need to provide the amount of care you do.

Could you speak to him and see if he'll agree to the lunchtime care call so you don't need to go daily?

Yes he has capacity and no dementia. He's got mobility issues hence the carers. I've done 13 years of being on call for all problems little and big along with arranging carers for both him and my mum up to the point she died last year. It's just assumed daughters, and sons?, will do this. No one ever seems to ask. I want my own life now where I don't have to jump through multiple hoops before I can have a weekend away with my husband. It was my dad's idea to go into the care home and was encouraged by his daily carers. I've stalled him for the moment said I will visit Saturday and we can decide what to do then. The guilt is horrible.

Is social services involved? Can u ask them to assess him and do you feel able to tell them you can't do this anymore? Have you had a carers assessment? I know it's really hard to step back.

I think you have to give it good try. 13 years is a very long time to be a carer.

I think you need to tell him you can’t be around all the time now. So either he has to accept more carers at home or stay in the care home. Tell him you want to be able to visit him and just be his daughter not his carer.

@spababe

Yes he has capacity and no dementia. He's got mobility issues hence the carers. I've done 13 years of being on call for all problems little and big along with arranging carers for both him and my mum up to the point she died last year. It's just assumed daughters, and sons?, will do this. No one ever seems to ask. I want my own life now where I don't have to jump through multiple hoops before I can have a weekend away with my husband. It was my dad's idea to go into the care home and was encouraged by his daily carers. I've stalled him for the moment said I will visit Saturday and we can decide what to do then. The guilt is horrible.

I think that he should have perhaps trialled respite first.

This is probably going to be a bumpy road ahead. Does he own his own home?

I think that I would discuss what you're willing to commit to IF he returns home. So he understands the reality. However, I don't think that your supporting him is an unreasonable expectation personally. And say this after caring for multiple Great Aunts and grandparents.

Contact social services and arrange for an adult social care assessment urgently. If he doesn't want to stay there he doesn't have to.

It's having to isolate that really affects them. I work in care and once out of isolation people settle in much better. They get to socialise and join in. Being alone in his room is going to be tough unfortunatly.
Call and tell them he's having a hard time with it,. We try to put things in place, staff constantly naking sure they are OK, music and films etc.

Oh I really do feel for you. Only one here too, and at the moment I’m trying to convince my mum aged 90 that she’d be better off in care, she’s so vulnerable and lonely even though she has carers three times a day
Does your dad own his property, as if he has no dementia he could just say he needs to leave and they’ll be nothing you can do about it. My mum lives in a council property so would have to give it up pretty quickly, this is what’s making my Decision really hard.
I would ring your dad daily, visit in a few days, and without getting emotional, I know very hard , try to placate him with the fact that everyone takes time to settle and he has to give it a fair try.
I’m totally with you on wanting your own life, it’s what I want desperately! I’ve had poorly parents since I was 27 I’m now 64, and feel time is running out.
Good luck to you and your dad. Please keep posting it could help me and others when the time comes.

He possibly wouldn't cope long if you step right back if he insists on going home. Or would have to 'make do' with carers. You can decide that you know if it comes to it. You're not obliged to satisfy all his wants.
Does he feel guilty about the massive impact of his choices to rely on you on your young life?
Time to make difficult choices. I'm afraid I would think far less of a parent that was happy to let his DC curtail their life like this indefinitely.

I can't imagine wanting to be such a blight on my children's lives😕

@o8T8o

I can't imagine wanting to be such a blight on my children's lives😕

I don’t expect they want to either