How do you plan to take care of your DH's mum in her old age?

[Delectable]

How does one properly take care one's elderly parent in England if you don't wish for them to be in a home?

I'm early 40s and my hubs is mid 50s. He has a brother and sister. He's the first and the one who does the most for his mum. His siblings combined don't do up to half of what he does for their mum. He has a deeply caring and dependable disposition. We got married 2yrs and are very happy. So much so a couple of times in the 1st year of our marriage my MIL was irritated by my husband being attentive and caring towards me. She has improved on this front.

We've been living in DH's flat as I moved out of mine after marriage.
We're looking to move to a house. We don't have kids yet but plan to. So ideally 4 bed house.

The crux is that my 87 Yr old MIL lives alone in the very large family house with a big garden. She has a gardener but my husband has to go down from London every other week to help with the garden and veg garden etc. She says she will never live in a home. She talks down on homes and negatively about her friends and family there. She says she'll like to live with us. My MIL wasn't happy when my husband informed her of me and then of us getting married cos of my race. Two years later we get on very well but I worry if her living with us will change the dynamic of my husband and I's relationship. We love eachother very much and get on very well.

Initially she said she'll like to live near us and is happy to move whenever we choose. We plan to buy within 20mins of the M25. She's in the West Midlands. Then it became a granny annexe. To be honest I don't mind. My mum passed away when I was quite young. I don't have close family in the country and I enjoyed having my grandmother come on long visits when I was younger. Ofcourse this is my MIL not my grandma.

I just wonder if I'm being terribly naïve and somehow things can change drastically if she had a granny annexe on our property. As I said, my husband is very kind and believes looking after family is the right thing to do. I'm of the same vein. However, I worry that my husband will end up being totally devoted to his mum if she lived with us. The way he puts it, "she's heavily emotionally invested" in him. She talks to him everyday, thinks the world of him (apart from marrying me) so much so on Christmas day last year his brother said if their mum could marry my husband she would. She smiled and briefly stated how even though he's so mentally talented ie very intelligent, he's an all rounder as he's talented in many other aspects of life too. Everyone knows she's his priced possession. I find it admirable and I'm glad my husband is who he is but at the back of my mind I wonder if it's a bad idea to have her live with us.

The truth is I don't think I would be comfortable with her being in a home. In my culture it's not the done thing. In my country of origin homes for the elderly are a rarity. Grandparents etc move in with their children and help employed for their care. However, labour is very cheap there. So you'll have a number of people on staff for domestics. However, things are much more costlier here and I worry that I don't fully understand how things work in the UK in that regard. I've lived here 14yrs.

How do you plan to take care of your DH's mum in her old age?

I do think there is some responsibility on older people to plan and take the burden off the next generation. My mum feels the same way- she is disabled so they have purchased a flat and made it disabled accessible and are renting that out so if they can’t find anywhere to downsize to that’s suitable or need to convert it they can move in there. But, I do love them and disability is limiting so am planning to put in an accessible bathroom and guest room when we renovate so they can stay over sometimes rather than be sent back to their place.
I have no idea what mils plans are, she’s lovely but we are very different people and she has 5 children of her own. I’ll be supportive but not a ringleader, and they won’t move in.

@YukiCarrot I agree noone will like to be saddled with the financial burden of looking after elderly parent. At 28, you've done very well to get your foot on the ladder. I won't be surprised you'll continue to be financially astute and that will pay off even in the next few years. We don't plan to be financially responsible for her but we're happy to be the primary carers. However, I now feel we need to reconsider how much this will actually mean. No, they didn't help DH financially. DH always gave them an allowance until when his dad passed away 5yeas ago. The he discovered his dad used to give his sister some of the money back then. Lol!
My dad actually "abandoned" me from my late teens but he's my only living parent so I still care.

@Notaroadrunner you're right. My DH won't commit to responsibility of this nature without consulting me and us agreeing. However, he promised him mum before he met me that she won't go to a home. My DH is a stickler for keeping his word. Living nearby seems the right compromise.
@sweetgenevincent1 sharing your situation has helped me better visualise things. Thank you.
@BunnyRuddington thanks for your suggestion. Is Sheltered Housing considered a home for the elderly? Is it the same as a sort of retirement village ie 2 bed properties close to each other with a warden on site? I guess we need to research types of arrangements that are not considered elderly homes otherwise, living nearby in a bungalow might be it. These are hard to come by and the MIL changed her mind when the only two she considered worthy came up for sale.
@Pinuporc noted. Guessed as much. Thank you for the commendation.
@Beamur thanks for that insight. Close by it is.
@Bryonyshcmyony thanks for your thoughtful compliments.
@timeisnotaline thanks for sharing. Yes, I agree older relative must take some responsibility to plan. Most will have funds for their accomodation but need help with shopping, cleaning, cooking, company, maintenance even if they have the funds.

In summary, again, I'm very grateful to everyone who's shared their own arrangements. It's helped me visualise and re-evaluate the need for a safe, healthy balance of care and love for MIL on one hand and healthy loving nuclear family life.

thanks for your suggestion. Is Sheltered Housing considered a home for the elderly? Is it the same as a sort of retirement village ie 2 bed properties close to each other with a warden on site? I guess we need to research types of arrangements that are not considered elderly homes otherwise, living nearby in a bungalow might be it. These are hard to come by and the MIL changed her mind when the only two she considered worthy came up for sale

Retirement villages are aimed at people like your DMIL who are active and have all of their faculties, they are very, very different from care homes where the residents often need help with daily tasks.

My DM lives in a retirement village which has a restaurant, gym and hairdresser. She had her own flat, which is well insulated so it's always warm and cosy. Pre-Covid there were lots of activities on each day which the residents can choose to join in with if they wish. My DPs made a special effort to take part in the community life when they moved in and made friends and enjoyed living there. DF has sadly passed now but when he was ill at the end, living there definitely helped as there are always carers on-site if you should ever need them.

Thanks for the clarification @BunnyRuddington. Been thinking about all the useful info on this thread. Thanks so much.

It's very kind of you.

Must say, I can't imagine DH and I would taking care personally of MIL or any of our parents because we'd be terrible at it. I am not cut out for that intensity. MIL, as well, is a very difficult person (and not just to me), although I do like her in many ways, so I would never volunteer to have her move in or anything like that.

I'd certainly do my best to find a good care solution for any parent. It won't, sadly, be an issue for my lovely mum as she has a condition that makes it unlikely she'll live long enough to become frail. FIL's father lived until a few month's before his 100th birthday, so in all likelihood FIL will be around for a long time (he's very physically fit for his age) - his dad remained 'all there' mentally but had a miserable time for the last 5 or so years of his life after his wife died. :(

OP I think your responses show what a conscientious person you are :-)

For me, I've never thought one moment about actually caring, hands-on, for my MIL. She has osteoporosis, Parkinsons disease and dementia. She needs specialised care and has been in a nursing home, with full nursing care, for several months now. I would not have attempted to replace the care that is provided by trained professionals in adapted surroundings. She's well looked after, FIL and SIL visit 2-3 times a week. It is what is is.

In my culture, (white, British, middle class) there is no longer a widespread expectation that people will take older relatives into our homes and care for them directly as they age. People in my culture are used to having the freedom that comes from not directly caring for the older generation. My parents would not expect me to care for them directly - they do not expect me to sacrifice my life in this way. And I in turn certainly don't expect my children to sacrifice their lives to care for me. To advocate for me, yes, to make sure that my financial / legal / etc affairs are in order, to make sure that I get the care I need - to wipe my bum, change my bed pad, treat my bed sores, spoon food into me? No way. I want a neutral carer to do that.

I don't feel a speck of guilt that MIL is in a home, and in the same circumstances I wouldn't feel any differently to my own parents being in a home too, if care at home (by carers) does not work for them in the future. I'd do everything I could to make sure they got what they need, but I wouldn't do it and I don't think I'd live in with them either.

However, I think that given your own cultural norms where you expect to care for your MIL, and what looks like your own very conscientious approach to things in general, I think that the guilt of not caring for your MIL would outweigh the benefits of not having an older person to care for. You have to weight it up that way I guess.

in your situation I'd be focusing on getting pg and be realistic about MIL ie she'll probably have to be cared for by others.

for us? no idea. PILs are 89 & 81 and still very agile & independent so nobody is planning for what ifs. they have 4 sons, 2 live abroad, one 2.5 hours away. we are closest, 5mins by car so I'm fully prepared that DH, our older kids & I will be helping them out while they can live by themselves.
after that it will be PILs decision to see if they prefer a care home or live home with paid carers (plus us still helping out).

they will not be moving in with us, that's out of the question.

No advice but you sound lovely x

The plan had been for MIL to move in with us, we'd saved for a while with that in mind, planned out things.

When step-FIL died, she chose to remain in her home for half a year before she'd move - she was a slow and steady sort of person. During that time my SIL helped arrange carers, getting in the emergency intercom system, and did the shopping, I did some care as well when I could with my spouse - we'd stay for a week or so at a time - and I helped with clearing out some things. Sadly, that move didn't come to pass as she got a terminal diagnosis during that time, and died less than a year after step-FIL did after a stay on a palliative care ward.

We did do caring of my MIL when my kids were tiny - even lived with them for a month after my first was born. It did effect the dynamic some and it was hard to balance the needs of a newborn with someone who was mostly still sharp, but had her foggy moments and a lot of physical problems on top of us being two very different people (and some of the less than nice lines she came out while seeming to forget I'm an immigrant). By the time we got to discussing her moving in with us, my youngest was 6 so a very different time both in my marriage and with the kids.

There are a lot of options these days, with a wide range of rising price tags and what is planned now will likely change, and sometimes they change fast with circumstances. There was a thread recently on how people are planning for their own old age which had a lot of talk on what people's parents said they were going to do vs what actually happened which might also have some ideas for you.