Thanks for all the comments and contributions to this post.
@FortunesFave "planning" means we are working on it. We had another failed round of IVF last month. Very expensive emotionally and financially. I hope that is satisfactory. Your first paragraph was harsh enough which is perhaps why you argue with yourself by saying "and I'm not being harsh". No, my DH doesn't work in the conventional way. He volunteers his time for a number of charities so he has control of his time. So he'll happily be available.
@sparemonitor we are on it, thanks. Yes, my DH will be the one mostly assisting her.
@ChildrenGrowingUpTooFast we've gotten on OK in the last year; but ofcourse that's with lock down ie fewer visits. Lol!
@joystir59 thank you. I think perhaps an assisted living place very near us could work as it'll allow her get involved in activities as well but she so looks down on anyone in such an arrangement.
@Mintjulia it goes without saying that if we're planning to have kids we are working on it. I take your point about difference in a variety of things. DH and I have same views on bringing up children and they're different to his mum's. Aside form the fact of differences, it's also how she perceives things that are peculiar to me, my culture etc. I think you found the perfect solution. She was actually supposed to down size when my husband decided to propose to me. The only 2 properties she said she could ever move to coincidentally came up for sale but she changed her mind both times. I'll pray for wisdom to know have to put this forward. It'll most likely work best for everyone.
@MrsTerryPratchett we will have at least two. I'm surprised that there are women on here who don't remember that ART, adoption etc are ways people over 40 can have children if it hasn't happened naturally.
@aramox thanks for your contribution and focusing on the topic. We'll re-think and reconsider the initial plan of her downsizing but close to us. @Bagelsandbrie thank you.
@Hellocatshome thanks for your contribution. It certainly is difficult to live in close quarters with someone you're not happy with. Yes, nearby perhaps is the way to go.
@Sparemonitor, I think you're right.
@bunnybuggs noted and thank you for sharing your perspective.
@timeisnotaline yes. The most recent plan was for her to have a self contained annex but having read the comments I'm envisioning that this plan will significantly reduce her independence and create a heavier dependence on us.
@Wegobshite most of what we do everyday is to help us conceive. Thank you.
@TheoMeo you are absolutely right!! Thank you!
@KihoBebiluPute "you" in my question actually mean the couple. I assumed the inlaw spouse will by carried along by the offspring spouse and together they'll agree the arrangement. I didn't intend it to mean the female only making the decisions and carrying out the tasks. Yes, she can afford to downsize and live independently nearby but she isn't all that willing to have anyone other than my DH take care of her. Reading your last paragraph it's clear to me that there's also a cultural difference in the way I view parents and grand parents. I'm a professional with 3 degrees and currently working full time. I couldn't think of my DH's mum as someone he and perhaps his siblings will be solely responsible for. Unless my DH's family do something immoral, illegal or unethical to me personally, I would continue to treat them as family. Even now when we visit I gladly do MIL's shopping and try to help her generally but apart from shopping she usually prefers to do it herself or have my DH do it. The intention of my post is not to offend. If yourself and your partner choose not to have plans for parents that can't offend me. You're allowed to choose. My post is addressed to those who have chosen to be involved in care for their elderly PIL.
@Pinuporc thanks so much for listing out the options. I'd hoped this thread will be full of this sort of information but either because of the time I posted or the demography of those who post on MN this isn't some thing they as a couple have done or planned.
@cptartapp thanks for your contribution. It's scary that they're all depressed assuming from their living arrangements. Living close by in a non home environment seems to be the one to explore seriously.
@Pinuporc thanks for sharing your experience with your DH. Considering the fact that my DH and I didn't marry as young ones perhaps we need to be mindful to ensure we protect our decades together GW.
@ChairOnToast I meant this for those who discuss and agree as a couple not a situation where only the inlaw looks after their partner's mum. "You" means "the couple". Thanks for your points. Even if my DH doesn't take up paid work and is available, as you say, his mum will certainly need more help and will still eat into his availability.
@TheoMeo thanks for sharing. Your comments brings into perspective the practicalities even aside caring responsibilities.
@catfunk I mean "you" as a couple. However, if you won't be consulted at all then I understand.
@ChaToilLeam I see your point. Thank you. If it turns out not to be a great arrangement I won't ask for it to end......best to be super cautious.
@Chunkymenrock I guess it's a culture thing and also I lost my mum at a young age and cherished the opportunity to have some I could treat like a mum. Shall take your comment about flats for over 55's on board. Thanks.
@ShowMeHow you're right that when nursing care is needed then a home could be the only viable option. Thanks for your comments.
@BlessedBeTheFruitCake has your DH expressed what her plans are? I was asking to know options and how people deal with an elderly "parent" who isn't their own parent and of the opposite sex so might not have the close relationship of daughter and mother or son and father. I hope things get easier for you.
@Maassi thanks for sharing your experience. I believe it's easier when the parent is not an in-law and of the same sex. Glad it worked for you and useful info to have that although it worked for your mum it won't for your MIL.
@corahallett what do you mean by "actually caring". I'm using it to describe organising, visiting, helping etc which is what you've said you'll do.
@Farwest no, I do not agree with you and you are not in a position to say what will happen to us. We will have children irrespective of the stats you analyse.
@Librariesmakeshhhhappen there're many ways for couples to have children if they've not been able to on their own. This is not the issue and whether or not you've tried to have children or a mother yourself there's no way you can be in the position to say whether or not we will have kids. Your comments is very hurtful; perhaps it is your intention but as you've made your conclusion without or personal info it is invalid.
@EL8888 if I hadn't read some other comments before yours I would have wondered if it was because of your age but unless those with similar comments to yours are of the same age I assume it's just the way things are around here. My dad is 80, lives in another country with my step mum and all my siblings live there too, still I think about his care and discuss it with them all from time to time. An earlier commenter even said the question though not directed at her personally was offensive. I considered posting this in a culture/race specific part of the forum but went default. It was in no way meant to offend. I've learnt from this experience to not discuss issues like this openly.
@Vetyveriohohoh I expected it would be a topic discussed and agreed as a couple even if the offspring of the MIL is to carry it out.
@Bryonyshcmyony YAY!!! Finally! Seems we are in the minority. I didn't realise many didn't discuss and plan these things. If we'd been married ages with grown kids then perhaps it won't be such a risk. I hope you continue to enjoy a good relationship with your MIL whether or not she lives with you.