How do you plan to take care of your DH's mum in her old age?

[Delectable]

How does one properly take care one's elderly parent in England if you don't wish for them to be in a home?

I'm early 40s and my hubs is mid 50s. He has a brother and sister. He's the first and the one who does the most for his mum. His siblings combined don't do up to half of what he does for their mum. He has a deeply caring and dependable disposition. We got married 2yrs and are very happy. So much so a couple of times in the 1st year of our marriage my MIL was irritated by my husband being attentive and caring towards me. She has improved on this front.

We've been living in DH's flat as I moved out of mine after marriage.
We're looking to move to a house. We don't have kids yet but plan to. So ideally 4 bed house.

The crux is that my 87 Yr old MIL lives alone in the very large family house with a big garden. She has a gardener but my husband has to go down from London every other week to help with the garden and veg garden etc. She says she will never live in a home. She talks down on homes and negatively about her friends and family there. She says she'll like to live with us. My MIL wasn't happy when my husband informed her of me and then of us getting married cos of my race. Two years later we get on very well but I worry if her living with us will change the dynamic of my husband and I's relationship. We love eachother very much and get on very well.

Initially she said she'll like to live near us and is happy to move whenever we choose. We plan to buy within 20mins of the M25. She's in the West Midlands. Then it became a granny annexe. To be honest I don't mind. My mum passed away when I was quite young. I don't have close family in the country and I enjoyed having my grandmother come on long visits when I was younger. Ofcourse this is my MIL not my grandma.

I just wonder if I'm being terribly naïve and somehow things can change drastically if she had a granny annexe on our property. As I said, my husband is very kind and believes looking after family is the right thing to do. I'm of the same vein. However, I worry that my husband will end up being totally devoted to his mum if she lived with us. The way he puts it, "she's heavily emotionally invested" in him. She talks to him everyday, thinks the world of him (apart from marrying me) so much so on Christmas day last year his brother said if their mum could marry my husband she would. She smiled and briefly stated how even though he's so mentally talented ie very intelligent, he's an all rounder as he's talented in many other aspects of life too. Everyone knows she's his priced possession. I find it admirable and I'm glad my husband is who he is but at the back of my mind I wonder if it's a bad idea to have her live with us.

The truth is I don't think I would be comfortable with her being in a home. In my culture it's not the done thing. In my country of origin homes for the elderly are a rarity. Grandparents etc move in with their children and help employed for their care. However, labour is very cheap there. So you'll have a number of people on staff for domestics. However, things are much more costlier here and I worry that I don't fully understand how things work in the UK in that regard. I've lived here 14yrs.

How do you plan to take care of your DH's mum in her old age?

I don't want to get things wrong here...but why are you only 'planning' on having children if you're already in your early 40s and he's in his 50s?

Shouldn't you be getting that sorted now? And it brings me to my second issue which is when child arrives, (and I'm not being harsh but at your age and your DH's age, one might be it) then you may feel less easy going about MIL living with you.

Having a small baby or toddler AND an ageing MIL is no fun. I assume your DH works? If so, it will be YOU at home with MIL and a baby....

If you want kids you need to crack on given your ages. And I'd be making it clear to DH that if he wants to move MIL in, he'll be doing the caring.

My MIL lived in an assisted living apartment nearby. I didn’t look after her and why should I? DH visited her and had lunch with her regularly. He took the children with him on days out. I only see her during Christmas or when we invited her for Sunday lunch. You said yourself you don’t get on with her.

Big no from me to having her live with you for all the reasons you've given op.

I agree with FortunesFave, I think you need to focus on children now if you want to be a parent.
But honestly, I would not plan to move your MIL in. You will inevitably have different views on home and parenting. On appropriate relationships within the family. On boundaries.

My DM also refused to go into a home so she sold her house and bought a two bed bungalow about 5 miles away. As she became less active, we organised for her to have a cleaner and a gardener. Also a food delivery service, a home chiropodist and a home hair stylist, each on different days. They all had my number and knew to call if there was a problem.

That meant she had someone to chat to on most days. She didn't rely solely on family for conversation & interest. It gave her a reason to get up, dressed and tidy. With family visits as well, she was able to stay in her home until her last few weeks and was happy in her own territory. It won't work for everyone, but a good starting point.

We don't have kids yet but plan to.

Kids? And you're early 40s? And he's mid 50s? When are you planning these kids? Say you're 42, planning for a year, it takes six months average to get pregnant so at your age, with luck that a year, 44 and now pregnant. 45 with a small baby, wait a year at least, try again at 46. Really? And by now your DH is pushing 60.

I'm going to bet quite serious money that you won't have two and that you'll be so knackered with one that any caring role won't be possible.

I love my parents but I won't ever love with them again.

The standard route- most older people do not live in care homes- is to live 'independently',with visiting carers, funded by the person or, if they have no savings, by the local authority. Sensible parents downsize or move to supported housing. Living together does not sound like a great plan.

@MrsTerryPratchett

We don't have kids yet but plan to.

Kids? And you're early 40s? And he's mid 50s? When are you planning these kids? Say you're 42, planning for a year, it takes six months average to get pregnant so at your age, with luck that a year, 44 and now pregnant. 45 with a small baby, wait a year at least, try again at 46. Really? And by now your DH is pushing 60.

I'm going to bet quite serious money that you won't have two and that you'll be so knackered with one that any caring role won't be possible.

I love my parents but I won't ever love with them again.

This.

It’s nice that your dh does so much for his mum but if you have children together you probably won’t feel the same way!

Have you changed some details in this because otherwise I think you need to sort out the kids issue pretty quick. To answer your question when it comes to me having to look after DH's Mum that will be entirely up to Social Services she is an awful woman and I will take no responsibility for her and neither will DH. But in your circumstances I would just let her live in a small bungalow/flat nearby and have carers go in.

Cultures where elderly people don't go into a home tend to be cultures which treat women pretty badly and expect them to do all the caring.

@aramox

The standard route- most older people do not live in care homes- is to live 'independently',with visiting carers, funded by the person or, if they have no savings, by the local authority. Sensible parents downsize or move to supported housing. Living together does not sound like a great plan.

this is exactly true. Unless the person has dementia or a disease that renders them extremely vulnerable and in need of professional care - most of us do the downsize, paid carers route. The last thing most of us want to do is to live cheek by jowl with reluctant family carers

Another one saying planning to have kids sounds very vague for early 40s, but perhaps you have been trying for a couple of years now and that’s the way you phrase it.

I think you need to think through what it means re your mil. Will you never have the living room just the two of you in the evening again? (I couldn’t do it). And even if it’s an annex will she still spend all day and evening in your main house? Can you handle these? If not can your dh say you have to sit in your own living room 3 nights a week? Or would that be impossible? (It is to be fair very awkward). Cooking shopping Etc etc.

Mmm I think you need to crack on with having kids if your in your 40s and hrs in his 50s.
If you were in your mid 30s I would say the same

I wouldn't have her move in. You will end up being the odd one out in your own home.
I would live near her and if DH wants to visit daily he can.

To answer your main question I have no plans whatsoever to be directly involved in supplying personal care services to my mother in law when she is frail enough to need it, and the assumption that I would is misogynistic.

She is wealthy enough to pay for carers to come in and support her if she needs to, and could equally pay for a regular gardener if she needs to (which is what your mil should be doing). When her savings run out she can sell the unnecessarily large 5 bed family home and move to a 2 bed flat and have plenty more money to spend on care.

Professional, highly qualified women in full time employment who are taking an active role in society and also bringing up their own children have enough on their plate. A default assumption that they should be expected to drop all those other commitments to become an unpaid geriatric nurse either for their own parents or even worse for their husband's parents is frankly offensive.

There are alternatives available to "going into a home" and if your MIL can manage independently then she may well not need it. there are retirement flats or villages, sometimes with onsite medical facilities, or social areas, Sheltered or wardened housing or living independently and buying in help such as cleaning, meals, gardening and possibly personal care.

A work colleague has her much loved DM living in an annexe. They're all on antidepressants now. She's quite vocal about the fact it isn't at all what she expected. Her DM is pretty mobile too with no dementia etc. But keeps on going while my friend and her DH now face a caring role Into their retirement.
Paid support services in old age are what we 'scrimp and save for' in old age. Not to rely indefinitely on busy adult DC with lives, jobs, stresses, health issues and families of their own.
My MIL has lived frugally all her life. Pots of money. She can start spending it.

Also if someone is at the stage they need to be in a residential home, they will likely need a lot of care, that may not be easily compatible with either working, or looking after children full time.
It's not neglectful to for an elderly person to go into a home if their needs cant be met in a domestic setting. My DH spent the last months of his like in a care home. When he fell, I wouldnt have been able to pick him up by myself, he was incontinent (I dont know if I would have been able to change him,) , and unable to feed or dress himself.

As people age their friends pass away, they are less able to go out and about and I found I became my DM's companion, entertainer, only other adult she saw regularly, friend - just everything really as her life became more restricted. The result is they want you there most of the time. And they want your attention most of the time. I don't blame her, life can be boring if you can't get out and about like you did. But I ended up quite anxious over it all and nothing was enough.

I don't - it's nothing to do with me

Your mother in law has a responsibility to make some decisions about her own future and the funding of it, planning ways to manage etc. It's not your job or your husband's job. There are many luxury flats for over 55s, fully independent, all facilities, some even have hairdressers and gyms. It's not at all 'going into a home'. She really ought to be considering this, selling a massive house sooner rather than later and taking some responsibility.

Do not have her move in. She can live nearby, and you can get cleaners, home helps, etc as needed. But being put in the position of living with and caring for this woman who has never liked you will wipe you out and probably end your marriage.

There is a tipping point with a persons health and ability where the discomfort/risks/costs of staying home are outweighed by the 24hr care/safety/price of being in a care home esp if nursing care is needed.

If MIL does not match her responsibilities to her abilities then she will need help paid or family and neighbours. When it’s not sustainable then she may need to accept a care home.

I suggest you concentrate on your own life needs
And wants, she certainly is.

I don’t plan to care for mine, I already have a disabled child so I’ll be caring for them for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t be able to care for an elderly relative too.