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Elderly parents

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Original poster

Do I move in with mum or will it be a disaster?

59 replies

Myrrfect · 17/04/2021 17:55

I’m due to move home from a years overseas placement this year to move in with my mum who is 81.

My overseas trip was meant to be longer but at Christmas I was told she couldn’t cope on her own and had very little time left so handed in my notice and prepared to return - she’s now recovered and says she’s fine but looking forward to me moving in

The only thing is that my mother has been at deaths door since 2003 and I cared for her while living in my own home until last year when I just needed a bit of freedom for my sanity and her gp told me she’d be fine if she just looked after herself (in 2019)

Things I’m concerned about include space, my brother has all his stuff in mums house. He lives overseas. He lived with her and did very little, didnt work and let her pay for him for several years until he left to live abroad. He’s back this summer and he has said to mum he’s moving his stuff out while to me he’s said he’s going to clear a wardrobe and chest of drawers for me. It doesn’t sound like I’ll have much space there. Now I live in a lovely big penthouse flat in a beautiful city - there I’ll have a bed and a chest of drawers!

Also I have got a full time job at home, it’s well paid but an hour commute. From staying with mum she’s a bit of a full time project so I would need to keep the carers but I’d provide overnight and weekend care to reduce the care bill.

There’s part of me that really questions if I’m doing the right thing. I know mum needs me there but I find her quite difficult at times, she’s very opinionated, set in her ways and can be quite manipulative and I think I would be living in an uncomfortable cramped room very quietly so I didn’t disturb her. This, like the rest of the house is filled with my brothers things and although it’s a beautiful cottage set in lovely gardens it’s cramped inside.

I don’t know if I should just live in my house but then I’m back into the grind of trying to get to her after tough days/ weeks at work and I wouldn’t be providing the care she needs.

I’ve tried to talk to her today about needing some space and got firmly shut down that it was my brother right to leave all his things there and that wasn’t going to change.

I’m not sure what I should do

Move in and provide care, but live out of a chest of drawers and have no space of my own

Move to my house but not be providing the care mum needs but be close enough to see her for a few hours at the weekend

OP posts:

Original poster

Myrrfect · 17/04/2021 17:57

It might be easier for me if she moved in with me but she won’t leave the house and gardens

OP posts:

BeyondMyWits · 17/04/2021 17:59

Do ... NOT... move... in.

Sorry, sounds like a recipe for disaster and resentment. She is not willing to adapt to accommodate you - that will not change.

Tinkling · 17/04/2021 18:00

This sounds very difficult OP. It’s your life too and this will be your home. I guess it depends how long this is for. A month, a year, until she dies? At (potentially 100).

Whatever you agree to work for as long as you intend to live there. If you won’t be able to manage it, don’t commit.

Ilikewinter · 17/04/2021 18:02

Please please please dont do this, I think you already know this will be a disaster and once you move in you will never move out.
Why cant your mum manage without you - shes managing at the moment?.
You say thats shes recovered and she says that she is fine?
My DH is caring for MIL at the moment and I cant tell you the stress that its putting on him, hes also working full time and doing sleep overs at her house (shes on end of life care so we are nearing the end). Please dont put yourself in this situation, its nearly breaking DH and you mum sounds like shes not going anywhere for a while yet.

Beamur · 17/04/2021 18:03

Don't move in.

Bargebill19 · 17/04/2021 18:08

Live in your own home. You have a right to your own life etc. You won’t get this at your mums. It doesn’t sound like she is at deaths door right this minute. Alter things only when necessary.
If you can afford to, increase carers/gardener/cleaner etc. But it sounds like the current position of carers and your mum living alone is ticking along nicely.
Have you thought about a care companion to befriend your mum, in the day?
Perhaps dedicate one day per week when you see your mum, but in the position of her daughter, not her carer.

sleepyhead · 17/04/2021 18:09

Ask her what she would prefer:

You move in and she/your brother finds somewhere else for his stuff.

You don't move in, you visit when you can, but she can continue to act as a storage facility for your brother.

thelegohooverer · 17/04/2021 18:13

I’ve no idea how much stuff you’re talking about, or how much storage would cost, but would it be possible to put your brothers stuff into storage until he’s back in the summer?

I can appreciate that it can be easier to live with the person you are caring for, than to commute between houses.

I think you need, at a minimum, to put your foot down about your brother’s belongings.

Scarby9 · 17/04/2021 18:14

Month at her home then month at yours? If she won't come with you, tell her the offer is open, and go.

Original poster

Myrrfect · 17/04/2021 18:14

Thank you 🙏🏻 I do hear you

And so ilikewinter your DH is in that position it sounds so hard on him

The thing is she is going to need more care, making sure she takes medication, eats and gets to bed safely. I’ve been told she’s going to be needing end of life care imminently a couple of times (including at Christmas on Christmas Eve!) and then well she’s just turned it around - it would be like living with a lady crawley I guess if you put her in a cottage in the middle of nowhere. She’s coping now but has warned me several times she might not last until I return (I decided to finish my contract as she recovered after Christmas)

The thing is then I thought it would be ok. It’s a lovely place, we get on fine as long as I do everything she asks me immediately but then I got the job which though it gets me out of the house it will be stressful and tiring by it’s nature (though enjoyable and rewarding) so I’m not sure if I can face combining the two

Also I though I’d be able to put my brothers stuff into storage (I’d pay the storage costs) and create some space for me but now that’s been shot down I’m seriously questioning if I’m doing the right thing

OP posts:

Original poster

Myrrfect · 17/04/2021 18:16

Sorry for all the typos! My fingers are getting stiffer in horror!!

Ilikewinter I’m sorry your DH is going through this it must be so hard on him

OP posts:

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 17/04/2021 18:19

You don’t have to move in with her. There are carers and social services who willl do stuff

Original poster

Myrrfect · 17/04/2021 18:19

But if I don’t move in she might not cope, have an accident and I will feel terrible guilt that I should have been there

Also she won’t eat, geriatric anorexia I think and I should be there to make sure she’s eating (and not just providing meals from M&S)

OP posts:

osbertthesyrianhamster · 17/04/2021 18:23

@Myrrfect

But if I don’t move in she might not cope, have an accident and I will feel terrible guilt that I should have been there

Also she won’t eat, geriatric anorexia I think and I should be there to make sure she’s eating (and not just providing meals from M&S)

No.you.don't. You will have no life. She needs professional care, not you giving up your life for her.

Original poster

Myrrfect · 17/04/2021 18:25

Actually sleepyhead I think that might be it

If my brothers stuff goes into storage so I can have space (btw think 6ft long carved oak chests, leather chairs, large desks and brass bedsteads linen presses and Welsh dressers -nd books and electronic gadgets under everything collecting dust ! ) and I move in so I have a room of my own

Or I just go back to 2019, visiting Sat/Sun, doing the shopping and I’ll foot the extra care bill if mum won’t pay (and she won’t)

Her main carer is a truly good woman but I know is looking forward to me coming home so she can reduce her hours.

OP posts:

Ilikewinter · 17/04/2021 18:26

Its such a difficult situation and if you say no the guilt you feel is massive....but I just think you have to say no, you are entitled to live your life and spend time with your mum as her daughter, not as her carer.
I can only go from my experience but MIL has a great district nurse who once DH was honest about what he can and cant do has arranged some overnight care and put in additional carers during the day. We let it go on far too long before we said no.....what Ive learnt is you have to be selfish and commit to nothing (even if in reality you will do stuff) once you commit then you'll pick up more and more. The care system is broken and skint!

FusionChefGeoff · 17/04/2021 18:27

Why are you paying for extra care that she needs??!?

doodleZ1 · 17/04/2021 18:27

I think you have answered this yourself, you said you had been looking after her since 2013 but you needed to get away for your sanity last year. Now you are being called back and into a cramped house with your brothers stuff that you just have to suck up. What's your brother going to do to help when he moves back and how close will he be? If you have your own house I would move into there. I'm assuming you are in your 50s or 60s, you need your own space, your own social life and need to make sure your own house is safe. Has it been empty for the last year? Not nice but could you put up with this for say 4 years? My brothers looking after my mother at the moment as she's had an operation. He lives 400 miles away and has been doing it for less than a week and he is always on my mother's side, ie she's not that bad, don't be selfish, she needs help. However I'm getting texts saying she's driving him mad. Of course she is, it's 24/7 and there's nowhere for him to go. As others have said before, no one gets better at that age, they get worse. Don't do it, organise carers for her, be her PA if necessary but don't sacrifice yourself. The fact that she won't even listen to the idea that your brothers stuff will cause you space issues is a red flag. Would I want my boys moving in with me at that age? No that is selfish they have their lives and I want the best for them and moving in with someone in their 80s is not the best thing to do for them as their parent. You are entitled to have your own life. How you get out of it might be difficult as she knows you are coming back to live with her but that's a far easier problem than having to deal with it's her house her rules thing. That's what she's doing with your brothers stuff. Talk to your brother about what can be done to organise help and who pays for it. It's probably easier now to not move in than it would be to move back out again. It won't work, she will want to do what she wants and has always done, you won't have any say but all the responsibility. This is too much to ask, do not move in. Think of a reasonable excuse and stick to it.

MintyCedric · 17/04/2021 18:28

I am in a similar position to @Ilikewinter's DH and honestly I would not move in.

I have come so close to breaking point in the last year it's ridiculous...moving in is my line in the sand as much as my mother wants it (she needs emotional support, my dad is the very sick one).

Being on end of life care simply means a person will not get better. If the reason for this is frailty/old age there is no prognosis time wise.

My dad was declared EoL last April, with an expected timeline of 1-3 months. He had deteriorated hugely since then but is still going and went into a home a couple of weeks ago.

I am currently locked in a battle of wills with my mother who thinks he should come out to die at home but it could be months or longer.

As hard as balancing it all is when you're running all over the place, you need your own space for your own mental health and wellbeing. If your mum is unwilling to accommodate you appropriately, then you need to do what is best for you.

Bargebill19 · 17/04/2021 18:29

Accidents can happen even when you are there. As for not eating, she can refuse to eat even if you are there, you cannot force her to eat, tempt - yes, but is she refuses, then there’s nothing you can do.
The fact that she refuses to accommodate you properly, preferring to make your brothers belongings comfortable and not you, says she wants you there as a carer, not a daughter. Don’t do it. I’m sure your employer will allow compassionate time off, when end of life care is needed.

Gladioli23 · 17/04/2021 18:30

My grandma offered to look after her mother after she had a stroke. It was expected that she would live 6 weeks. She lived for 5 years. Your mum is 81, she could live for another 20 years.

Don't do this, live in your own house.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 17/04/2021 18:32

It’s total selfishness for her to want you to move in there. Your life will be a misery.

Can’t you get those Parsleybox meals for her?

Ilikewinter · 17/04/2021 18:32

OP I feel so strongly that you shouldnt be doing this ..... probably more than I should do!!! ..... but I see you going down the same path DH has done, mostly through guilt and feeling it was the right thing to do.
Honestly your mum needs professional care, it doesnt mean that you cant be there for her.

Purplewithred · 17/04/2021 18:33

Hang on a minute, this all sounds absolutely nuts. What help is your mum currently getting, and what does she need? It sounds as if she doesn't have dementia so she is responsible for her own care and her own safety. This nonsense about expecting you to live with her but not have the room cleared for you to live in - WTAF? No paid carer would put up with that nonsense, why on earth would you?

Just NO. You are being manipulated. She can have a proper care needs assessment from social services (whether she is self funding or not).

Original poster

Myrrfect · 17/04/2021 18:34

God it feels good to talk about this

I think that mum thinks it is end of life care she hasn’t got long and so I should be with her. It’s just it has been like this since 2012/13 and though at Christmas it was at crisis point, she still feels now that she needs someone all the time. She sort of is coping but her carer has said she (the carer) is struggling to help her help herself

The social services have never been involved actually and she will only use private carers as refuses to use agency staff

Perhaps I shouldn’t have got the job, then I could be just with her and could have a life as well. But it’s a great opportunity and I can’t let them down

OP posts:

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