Do I move in with mum or will it be a disaster?

[Myrrfect]

I’m due to move home from a years overseas placement this year to move in with my mum who is 81.

My overseas trip was meant to be longer but at Christmas I was told she couldn’t cope on her own and had very little time left so handed in my notice and prepared to return - she’s now recovered and says she’s fine but looking forward to me moving in

The only thing is that my mother has been at deaths door since 2003 and I cared for her while living in my own home until last year when I just needed a bit of freedom for my sanity and her gp told me she’d be fine if she just looked after herself (in 2019)

Things I’m concerned about include space, my brother has all his stuff in mums house. He lives overseas. He lived with her and did very little, didnt work and let her pay for him for several years until he left to live abroad. He’s back this summer and he has said to mum he’s moving his stuff out while to me he’s said he’s going to clear a wardrobe and chest of drawers for me. It doesn’t sound like I’ll have much space there. Now I live in a lovely big penthouse flat in a beautiful city - there I’ll have a bed and a chest of drawers!

Also I have got a full time job at home, it’s well paid but an hour commute. From staying with mum she’s a bit of a full time project so I would need to keep the carers but I’d provide overnight and weekend care to reduce the care bill.

There’s part of me that really questions if I’m doing the right thing. I know mum needs me there but I find her quite difficult at times, she’s very opinionated, set in her ways and can be quite manipulative and I think I would be living in an uncomfortable cramped room very quietly so I didn’t disturb her. This, like the rest of the house is filled with my brothers things and although it’s a beautiful cottage set in lovely gardens it’s cramped inside.

I don’t know if I should just live in my house but then I’m back into the grind of trying to get to her after tough days/ weeks at work and I wouldn’t be providing the care she needs.

I’ve tried to talk to her today about needing some space and got firmly shut down that it was my brother right to leave all his things there and that wasn’t going to change.

I’m not sure what I should do

Move in and provide care, but live out of a chest of drawers and have no space of my own

Move to my house but not be providing the care mum needs but be close enough to see her for a few hours at the weekend

My grandmother was at death's door at 71 when she had 3 massive heart attacks in close succession. She'd psychologically and for emotional blackmail purposes not had long to live since her older husband died before she waas even 60. After her heart attacks my father was told by her medical team, WW1 stylee, that she wouldn't last til Christmas.

My parents moved her up to live in an annexe converted with about 1/4 of the proceeds of selling her house. They should possibly have thought twice when she insisted my dad change his will to leave her the annexe on the assumption she'd outlive him ...

She lived another 19 years.

Don't do it.

Don’t do it. Why does she get to dictate to you that you live with her. She has ‘decided’ she needs full time care. Why does it have to be you? Can’t she get attendance allowance?

If you weren’t there, she would have to accept social services. She’s being so selfish. You’re life will be a misery.

Why the hell is she prioritising your brother's belongings over your comfort, when you have effectively changed you life around to look after her?

No, just no. Stay in your own house, have the space to switch off and decompress. As others say; you could be in it for the long haul.

I think you should stay where you are. I know that sounds cold but I think it's your best option.

What kind of tasks is she needing help doing?
What is the current carer struggling to do for her - or is it that shes constantly demanding 'stuff' and the carers had enough?

The fact your brother and her refuse to let you move his belongings provides the perfect excuse for you not to move in. Get a flat near your work and go and stay with her on weekends. She'll have to put up with other careers during the week. As others have said she could live another 10+ years. Much easier to start as you mean to go on than move out later.

Do not move in. Her eating and care is not your responsibility: she needs an assessment from social services to determine her needs and then hourly care to support them. Alternatively if she is able enough might share and care work? Or extra care housing? Free yourself to give her love, not all her care.

Thank you i am really really grateful for your advice recommendations and kind words.

Ilikewinter I promise you I’ll be ok :)

I’m actually 49, a single mum from late pregnancy, my son went to uni 2019 and I guess I’ve been trying to do the right thing for everyone for 20 years until I ran away to have my working holiday.

My brother is coming back for the summer. I think I need to get home then lay out what my criteria are for moving in. My own room upstairs and downstairs with my own things in them.
My job will be a big part of my life and I have lots of friends around the area so I really would be ok living at mums and going to visit them.
But if my mum n brother do expect me to move in there but that I have no right to decide what my environment is like then I just won’t move in.
As for paying bills I tend to pick up her bills as although she doesn’t have dementia she has gaps in her memory and gets irritated and confused easily. She has asked for POA (so I can use her bank account to pay her bills) but I think has now stopped the process which I’ll follow up when I get back. As for paying for care I’ve tried to explain the costs and that it is necessary to keep her out of residential care and that her carers are worth the money they receive (they are worth their weight in gold) but she doesn’t like paying for things so I find it easier to pay directly.

It’s like any relationship when it’s not balanced it can tip further and further off balance without you noticing and then you have signed up to move in with a single suitcase and a debt of guilt and gratitude

I have not had children so that once they are adults, living their own lives, I can click my fingers and reel them back in. That woukd be like undoing all the hard work I did raising them to be competent, independent individuals. Its a negation of everything parenting should be IMO.

Of course I hope my children will slways visit me, even help out with practical stuff, checking I am well cared for etc. But the thought of yhem suffering and stressing on a daily basis because of me is mortifying and I would feel I had failed them. The fact that you feel her needs and wishes are your commands baffles me.

Oh and my elderly mum is still alive, I learned this attitude from her. And I love her dearly and see her as often as I can.

Please don't put yourself through this unless you literally ache to be with her, and love her company. Which you didn't in 2013, so 🤷

I see her as often as I can because it is a pkeasure, not an obligation. BECAUSE SHE IS DETERMINED TO LOOK AFTER HERSELF.

Don't do it

Who keeps saying she needs end of life care? If it’s her then I wouldn’t believe it.

You would have to be insane to move in with your mother. Don't do this.

I was told she couldn’t cope on her own and had very little time left

That was the thing that made you end your overseas contract and return home, who was it that told you that? Has your mum really made a dramatic recovery or were you reeled in with amateur dramatics?

I am also fighting for my freedom, my mother's ideal living situation would be to have me back in my childhood bedroom. Wouldn't that be lovely, we could be together all of the time, she'd always have someone there to chat to, sort the tv out for her, find her handbag. Can you imagine ten years of that? I can and that's why I'm not doing it.

Don't give up your job or your independence. Social services start with a needs assessment, it's not a "wants assessment". They look at what the person needs and then from that decide how those needs will be met. Your mother has decided what she wants, just because she wants you home to be there for her doesn't mean that she needs that or that you should do it. It's not your job to make her happy, it's not your job to look after her. If you don't want to live there then don't be bullied, coerced or guilted into it.

Another one saying DONT MOVE IN WITH HER. Set up the other stuff, POA etc, but please don’t.
You deserve your life and happiness.

Why doesn't your brother (his stuff is more in need of space than you it seems..) move in and do the care?
What exact care tasks does she need? Not what does she want you to do, what is she unable to do?

Oh and DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HER!

OP I think you have made up your mind to move in. Even though you know it will be difficult. Perhaps you should give yourself 3 months before you do so, to settle into your new job and get your house back in order after being out of it for a year. A new job and living with your mother is perhaps too much to handle at the same time? If you give yourself 3 months you can see the lie of the land and make a better long term decision? I wouldn't rush into anything this gives you time.

What is your brother contributing towards your mother ?

I agree with others, live separately

Please do not do this.

I am baffled that she has been at death's door for 18 years according to your OP?

You say she won't eat if you don't encourage her. I do a little gentle encoragement on my parents but they don't seem to want to eat much since their mid 70s.

I don't understand any of this. Why should you live in one room so she can save money? If she is dangling an inheritance carrot, ignore it. Your sanity is the issue.

Do you mean Lady Crawley? I thought Matthew's mother was a lot younger!

Don't. MN are unanimous and that should be all the encouragement you need to keep your independence.

I’ve always read threads in aibu where the op says am I? Everyone says YES and op says no I’m not! Or in relationships where op says is this a red flag, everyone says YES and op says hmmm no I don’t think so, and wondered why ask for advice if you aren’t going to reflect and think so... I’ve had a think.

In timeline 2003-2013 it was I’ve got maybe a year 2013 - 2017 it was I won’t see next year, since then it’s been I probably won’t see next season, which sometimes reduces to next week. This has been partly supported by some healthcare professionals, she is on end of life care but as someone said upthread that is not time dependent. The GP who leads her practice and knew me as a child though said it’s mainly her responsibility and her not looking after herself, (heavily paraphrased there)

There’s been a lot of family expectation I will do this. Wider than mum and brother! My aunts looked after my grandmothers but didn’t work and received a larger share of the inheritance. This wouldn’t be the case for me.

So I’m not going to move in. I am going to return to the U.K. as travel is really hard between countries now, but I’m going to live in my own house. Get POA so I can stop paying bills and assess her finances. Ensure that I know what the right level of care is and make sure it’s in place. I’ll probably do a weekend day visit to give her carer a day off and suggest the one she is nice to does the other day. If I go stay with her, as she has my cats, it’ll be to enjoy her company and that of the cats. I’m not going to draw a line now. My brother can come back, sort out the house so people can move (and clean) easily. And then I’ll get the assessments, and my boundaries, in place.

I’m going to be 50 this year, it’s time to enjoy my life and discover new things! My son is very happy at uni, he has a very positive nature. I should be able to put time into my amazing new job and discover that city a bit more and not creep around crying over Davd Attenborough programs and comparing obscure Edwardian poets (nothing wrong with that but it’s not me really)

Maybe wild swimming....

Morning OP, so glad youve had some time to reflect and replan!
I truly hope it all goes smoothly and if not you know to come back and vent 🤞😊

Good for you OP...I really hope it works out for you.