Do I move in with mum or will it be a disaster?

[Myrrfect]

I’m due to move home from a years overseas placement this year to move in with my mum who is 81.

My overseas trip was meant to be longer but at Christmas I was told she couldn’t cope on her own and had very little time left so handed in my notice and prepared to return - she’s now recovered and says she’s fine but looking forward to me moving in

The only thing is that my mother has been at deaths door since 2003 and I cared for her while living in my own home until last year when I just needed a bit of freedom for my sanity and her gp told me she’d be fine if she just looked after herself (in 2019)

Things I’m concerned about include space, my brother has all his stuff in mums house. He lives overseas. He lived with her and did very little, didnt work and let her pay for him for several years until he left to live abroad. He’s back this summer and he has said to mum he’s moving his stuff out while to me he’s said he’s going to clear a wardrobe and chest of drawers for me. It doesn’t sound like I’ll have much space there. Now I live in a lovely big penthouse flat in a beautiful city - there I’ll have a bed and a chest of drawers!

Also I have got a full time job at home, it’s well paid but an hour commute. From staying with mum she’s a bit of a full time project so I would need to keep the carers but I’d provide overnight and weekend care to reduce the care bill.

There’s part of me that really questions if I’m doing the right thing. I know mum needs me there but I find her quite difficult at times, she’s very opinionated, set in her ways and can be quite manipulative and I think I would be living in an uncomfortable cramped room very quietly so I didn’t disturb her. This, like the rest of the house is filled with my brothers things and although it’s a beautiful cottage set in lovely gardens it’s cramped inside.

I don’t know if I should just live in my house but then I’m back into the grind of trying to get to her after tough days/ weeks at work and I wouldn’t be providing the care she needs.

I’ve tried to talk to her today about needing some space and got firmly shut down that it was my brother right to leave all his things there and that wasn’t going to change.

I’m not sure what I should do

Move in and provide care, but live out of a chest of drawers and have no space of my own

Move to my house but not be providing the care mum needs but be close enough to see her for a few hours at the weekend

Brilliant news op. If you find yourself wavering, come back and we’ll all shout DONT DO IT in unison.......

Yay! And as sandwich says, if you feel yourself wavering, come straight back here!

OP, i'm so happy to read the update! ❤️

Well I wavered earlier as on a phone call to mum she said she couldn’t wait til my brother comes so she “can get rid of” the carer. I panicked and asked her to reconsider but after thinking wwmd (what would mumsnet do) I think I’ll not raise any objections to anything as maybe she and my brother need to understand what her needs are (and it gives her poor lovely carer lady an escape route as she does find mum hard to deal with and doesn’t deserve the unpleasantness she gets)

This is a new Myrrfect. One who is sympathetic, but is not a martyr.

Thank you all, no more disappearing down rabbit holes of guilt n duty. @candycane222 your posts really resonated with me I really appreciate you giving me the firm words I needed

Careful!!! Sounds like slippery slope. Do NOT commit!

Do not move in with her under any circumstances.

What was your mother like with you as children?. I would think she has not changed all that much since then.

Do not commit to her at all going forward. Deal with any and all residual fear, obligation and guilt you have re your mother with therapy.

Set out the boundaries at the beginning of anything you do - decide what yours are ( not as an afterthought) Yes to wild swimming and enjoying your prime of life

Don't move in.

Don't do it op.

You could be sacrificing the next 10 years of your life. My DGF was told in 2005 that he had months to live. He died in 2020, 15 years later.

If the house will not be a pleasant place to live, DB isn't much help, and DM is a difficult person with high expectations then you will be setting yourself up for misery.

My poor DM had a nervous breakdown in 2018 trying to do all of the care, and it was just awful.

Give DM the option of either:
Social care helpers.
A nursing home.

Do not take it on yourself.