My Dad is permanently disappointed

[Sharonthecat]

... and I'm not sure how to deal with it anymore. I'd be really grateful for honest opinions and any advice going!
My Mum died 4 years ago, which was obviously very hard on my Dad. For the first year or so he came over to us twice a week for a meal and to have a trip out of the house. I'd also occasionally go to his house, though admittedly not as often as we don't drive and he lives about 20 miles away. That was really his only contact with people. He speaks to one of my brothers, but he lives 300 miles away and has a disabled DD so can't travel easily. Pre Covid my Dad would go down once or twice a year to see him. That's the extent of his social contact. I have suggested he go and visit my Mums brothers and sisters, join a photography group, find a hobby, all the normal things that you'd suggest to ease loneliness. He has absolutely refused them all.
Just over a year ago, my Dad decided he would no longer come and visit us as he felt my husband wasn't welcoming enough. My husband is an understated character who sees my Dad as family, so whilst I disagree completely that he is unwelcoming, I accept that you will not receive balloons and fanfare just because you come to visit. Obviously, this has meant we see my Dad less, as he will only come when my husband isn't here. Almost weekly I suggest that me and my DS get the train over for a visit, but my Dad says no. I can't really get to the bottom of why, but he generally says we will only be over for a few hours so what's the point? I call my Dad daily, which is not the same as a visit, but I like to speak to him and thought he liked it too.
Anyway. I spoke to him today and asked if he would like to come over on Saturday. My husband is at work on Saturday. I then said, it would be nice if you come whilst DH is here one day Dad. Nothing aggressive, just fact. What I got then is a list of what I am doing wrong I'm not supporting him. Apparently he's never felt welcome enough to 'just pop in' - he's more than welcome, he really genuinely is, we would love it. He said that when his mum was elderly he had her move in, and pointed out he hasn't even stayed the night here. That's valid, he hasn't, because he wont see DH, and would never actually say yes to the request anyway! He also said I wasn't proactive enough on helping him and should just 'do things' for him. I see a degree of truth in this, maybe I should just turn up on his doorstep, but I work, have a 6 year old DC and a shift worker husband. I need a degree of planning and the thought that I'd actually be welcome wouldn't go amiss either.
Apparently I don't have an opinion on anything either. This is absolutely not true. I have opinions and am able to express them - whether he listens or not is up to him.
So, yes. I'm left feeling pretty upset. I honestly feel like I have been doing my best, but perhaps I could be doing better. I'd appreciate peoples thoughts on this.
I love my Dad, but he is often angry, very ranty and to be honest, a difficult character. On the other hand, I do love him and don't want him to be lonely. What would you do? At the moment I don't feel like I want to speak to him for a few days, but I'm not sure if this is cruel.
Thanks in advance xx

I think it is boredom. My mum sits in her flat and cooks up all sorts of imaginary things I have done wrong. A classic was having a go at me for not inviting her to things at the kids school - but at senior school the kids no longer did any shows so there was nothing to invite her to. That answer did not seem to make any difference to her mood.
I finally realised after one particularly unpleasant tirade that nothing I did would ever be good enough, she was always going to be disappointed in me. So I stopped trying because whether I saw her everyday or once a month she would still be unhappy. I now do whatever I want because I've finally grasped what I do makes no difference to her opinion of me. Takes a while to work past the guilt - she played the guilt game for years and it was deeply ingrained - but I am now a fully fledged member of the 'give no fucks' school of thought. Come join us - plenty of room over here.

Solidarity @SozzledSausage - and I read what @BunnyRuddington said and that rings true too!!

It’s so important to find it funny and tease yourself / them with it - if you don’t, the leaping to conclusions will drive you crackers. I say I have a call at 11am so will ring 30 mins later than she would like - (she wants me at 11am but I can’t!) to discuss whatever she wants to discuss and this is some profound declaration of abandonment from me, saying I am bored of her small talk, am probably looking for care homes, hate her dog and wish I’d never been born.

You truly can only turn this in to an anecdote. And the upside is I will never ever be like this!

Yes, we do our best to laugh about it. My brother is really good at seeing the humour in it all.

@CrabPuff I understand what you mean, totally resonates! I never knew 'feel free to pop in for a coffee and cake' could actually mean so many different things!

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@ThereOnceWasANote working past the guilt is the thing I find hardest, and why I tend to give in. I need to build up some strength here!

There isn't any logic about the way he is feeling. You sound caring and doing your best. Which is a lot more than some folk. I don't think your Dad has anything to complain about as regards you. But he's probably feeling depressed and miserable which is absolutely not your fault. I suppose everything you suggest he doesn't like. E.g. looking up old friends, hobbies and so on.

It sounds like he is disappointed you haven't asked him to move in with you, to look after him and be his entertainment.

@Viviennemary you are correct! He is bored but won't like any suggestions........ I hope that as lockdown eases he sees he has an opportunity to get out there and do something.

@HopeClearwater

He doesn’t want to share your attention with another man, and he thinks women are there to serve him.

This

[quote Sharonthecat]@Viviennemary you are correct! He is bored but won't like any suggestions........ I hope that as lockdown eases he sees he has an opportunity to get out there and do something.[/quote]
Don't count on it!

My brother and I have suggested lots of things to my Mum. It has usually fallen on deaf ears though. She does do things but her life literally revolves around shopping and lunch/coffee out with various friends. Her world is very small which is a shame.