My Dad is permanently disappointed

[Sharonthecat]

... and I'm not sure how to deal with it anymore. I'd be really grateful for honest opinions and any advice going!
My Mum died 4 years ago, which was obviously very hard on my Dad. For the first year or so he came over to us twice a week for a meal and to have a trip out of the house. I'd also occasionally go to his house, though admittedly not as often as we don't drive and he lives about 20 miles away. That was really his only contact with people. He speaks to one of my brothers, but he lives 300 miles away and has a disabled DD so can't travel easily. Pre Covid my Dad would go down once or twice a year to see him. That's the extent of his social contact. I have suggested he go and visit my Mums brothers and sisters, join a photography group, find a hobby, all the normal things that you'd suggest to ease loneliness. He has absolutely refused them all.
Just over a year ago, my Dad decided he would no longer come and visit us as he felt my husband wasn't welcoming enough. My husband is an understated character who sees my Dad as family, so whilst I disagree completely that he is unwelcoming, I accept that you will not receive balloons and fanfare just because you come to visit. Obviously, this has meant we see my Dad less, as he will only come when my husband isn't here. Almost weekly I suggest that me and my DS get the train over for a visit, but my Dad says no. I can't really get to the bottom of why, but he generally says we will only be over for a few hours so what's the point? I call my Dad daily, which is not the same as a visit, but I like to speak to him and thought he liked it too.
Anyway. I spoke to him today and asked if he would like to come over on Saturday. My husband is at work on Saturday. I then said, it would be nice if you come whilst DH is here one day Dad. Nothing aggressive, just fact. What I got then is a list of what I am doing wrong I'm not supporting him. Apparently he's never felt welcome enough to 'just pop in' - he's more than welcome, he really genuinely is, we would love it. He said that when his mum was elderly he had her move in, and pointed out he hasn't even stayed the night here. That's valid, he hasn't, because he wont see DH, and would never actually say yes to the request anyway! He also said I wasn't proactive enough on helping him and should just 'do things' for him. I see a degree of truth in this, maybe I should just turn up on his doorstep, but I work, have a 6 year old DC and a shift worker husband. I need a degree of planning and the thought that I'd actually be welcome wouldn't go amiss either.
Apparently I don't have an opinion on anything either. This is absolutely not true. I have opinions and am able to express them - whether he listens or not is up to him.
So, yes. I'm left feeling pretty upset. I honestly feel like I have been doing my best, but perhaps I could be doing better. I'd appreciate peoples thoughts on this.
I love my Dad, but he is often angry, very ranty and to be honest, a difficult character. On the other hand, I do love him and don't want him to be lonely. What would you do? At the moment I don't feel like I want to speak to him for a few days, but I'm not sure if this is cruel.
Thanks in advance xx

Honestly he sounds like he has a victim mentality and utterly selfish.

Either that or very depressed BUT your comments about his life long behaviour indicate that no matter what you do he will complain and it won't be enough.

@RandomMess thank you. I think he's honestly a mixture of selfish and depressed, whilst being unwilling to address it.
I am usually the peace maker in my family but I'm not so sure I'm willing to just roll over this time. I'm a lot stronger than I used to be and would like to genuinely understand if I have neglected him in some way before I choose what to do. I appreciate your comment.

There's just no pleasing some people and your dad sounds like one of those people. How old is he?

When his mum was elderly and he had her move in - did he do all the caring, or did he drop that onto your mother?

@kennelmaid he is 76. Still mobile and healthy.

@Makegoodchoices I was a baby so can't be 100% honest about this. However, he worked full time and my Mum didn't work, so I guess that's your answer.

I do think negativity can get stronger in some people as they got older and it seems to become some sort of comfort blanket in a perverse way. If you always expect to be disappointed, you can never really be disappointed, IYSWIM.

I guess one just needs to not take it personally - though it sounds like you don't anyway, which is the best attitude to have

It does sound as though he's angry with the world and taking it out on you, possibly because he's stuck at that stage in his grief or just because he's angry generally. I think you're perfectly within your rights to tell him - calmly - how hurt you are by what he said and to ask him exactly what he'd like to change so that you can assess if any of it is feasible and if you want to do what he is asking. Clearly he doesn't want to move in with you if he doesn't feel welcome for a visit, you can't move in with him, and you're not - you can't be - solely responsible for keeping him company when you have a job and a family, so he needs to find another acceptable way of coping with his loneliness.

In our conversation today, it felt like he didn't like or respect me. Like he views me as below standard if I'm being honest. This is how he sees most people, so it shouldn't be a surprise I suppose.
He wants me to do things differently/more. I just don't know if I can.

@TheGirlOnTheLanding that's really good advice, thank you. I don't want things to stay the same, so we need to have a conversation and see what can be done.

He sounds like my Grandmother. She's too old and frail now to go out and do anything- but even when she could, she had a million reasons why she couldn't or wouldn't. She heaped (and probably still does) so much guilt on my Mum. My Dad refused to see her for a while as she was so vile to my Mum. I don't have any advice but I wouldn't start doing things for him "just because" when you have a small child and your own responsibilities.

And especially when he doesn't respect you and is rude to you!!

He doesn’t want to share your attention with another man, and he thinks women are there to serve him.

M Dad is similar and seems to expect me to fix his life/problems and be constantly thoughtful towards him-yet he can be as unkind to me as he pleases!

I agree with @TheGirlOnTheLanding that you should have a conversation with him, but equally, don’t expect miracles. If someone wants to be angry with the world, they will be. My Dad has always been a glass half full type of person and it’s not changing now he’s elderly.

Sorry to hear you have a similar experience @Cameleongirl.
Thank you everyone for your input, it is honestly really helpful. I'm already feeling guilty that we fell out, but this support is helping me see a little more clearly that it's not all my fault after all 🧡

So he likes to cut off his nose to spite his face, and seems to be thinking that he should move in with you and you can do everything for him.
Please do not pick up any more! You have your own life, things have changed a lot in the last decades since he took in your DGM for your DM to nurse.
I've seen another thread on here tonight where a daughter is not wanting to continue to care for her father who has abused her all of her life. She needs to step back, and you need not to step up. People are responsible for their own happiness and life, when they are as able as your DF is. Don't throw yourself under the bus. It's what women did in their day, but times have changed. A lot.

@Cameleongirl also, how do you deal with your Dad? I would live to have a relationship with him that doesn't leave me feeling like crap, but I'm not sure how. I guess, care less?!!

That's interesting @HopeClearwater . My Dad does not have a relationship with one of my brothers as he fell out with his wife. I always felt bad for my Dad about this, but am now rethinking.
He also has fairly usual grievances against my other brothers partner.
I don't know if it's a woman thing or him just being a general idiot thing, I really don't.

We have an uneasy relationship, not helped by the fact that I now live abroad...haven’t seen him for over a year. ☹️ He’s also not on his own ( has my step-Mum) and seeing how difficult he can be with her has opened my eyes! I just try to be nice to him and think of things I can do to make his life easier- like ordering things online for him at the moment and keeping in touch regularly. We have the odd blow-up, though, when he says something that’s totally ridiculous. I never used to call him out when he basically invented things to suit his narrative, but now I do!

In your shoes, I’d continue to be nice to him, do what you can for him, but don’t tie yourself in knots trying to please him. Your Dad seems to be looking for problems atm, e.g. your DH not being nice enough to him.

Say to him calmly 'you have been fairly unpleasant to me recently, when I am trying to help and support you. I'm here if you want anything but you will have to call me and you will have to compromise and be polite to me and dh, otherwise our support will not be there in the future. Getting angry at me won't help you and it hurts me. I won't be putting up with it anymore. '

In the nicest possible way your main responsibilities are to your children and DH. They are the people you need to prioritise.

I spent years caring for my depressed and anxious mother before she died. No matter how much I did it was never enough.

Eventually I got pregnant with dc1 and had to massively step back. I truly believe that she appreciated the things I did more when I did less but I couldn't make her happy and it sounds like your dad can't be "made happy" either. Do what you can without it negatively impacting the rest of your family. If you want to try to explain it to him do but don't expect him to understand/accept what you're saying.

Thanks @Cameleongirl I will absolutely try to stop pleasing as I am guilty of being a people pleaser, which absolutely does not help. I hope that you manage to maintain an as good as possible relationship with your Dad.

@User0ne yes, my priorities are my dc and DH. Perhaps this will turn out to be a positive thing, it is an opportunity to stop spreading myself so thinly and concentrate on the right people.

He sounds fairly unpleasant tbh, and with respect, has had the best of his life. You have all yours to live.
We save all our lives to ensure we are cared for and safe in old age by buying in services as needed. Not expecting busy young family with jobs and DC of their own to jump to, let alone move in!! No decent parent would surely let their DC be so tied down with that burden indefinitely?
Never mind 'doing better!' He is your dad, not your boss. You are equals and your DH and DC are your priority. His wants do not trump yours. And if he's made no plans to improve his quality of life living alone as an elderly person which is on the cards for all of use, he will live with the consequences of those choices.

He sounds like a misogynistic arse tbh.

Focus on your DH and DC. If you ain't good enough for him he can get perfection from his sons!