Care home Christmas Day and presents left should I make a fuss?

[AMBOG]

3 days before Christmas went to visit mum in the care home. Wanted to visit outside ( had brought blankets and a hot water bottle) because although we can go inside in a sort of plastic box inside the main room, I have my dad with me and I have been working in a school. Mum wouldn’t stand up to transfer to a wheel chair so had to go in box. I had brought some presents for Christmas Day and wanted to give them to her but they said they had to be quarantined first. Duly left them then came back later with more presents. I asked if someone would help
her open them or if we could do it when we came on Christmas Day. They said they would save them for us. Christmas Day we are suddenly not allowed to visit outside. ( there is never any communication about these matters ) so all go into little box (4 of us) I ask about presents and they can’t find them. 20 minutes later still haven’t found them. Everyone there denies all knowledge because they have just come on. After about half an hour they find them and we open them with her. They also find something that I brought a week ago still in its bag with the label on. It felt like a real lack of care. We can’t get in so we have to trust that mum is being looked after by the people in there. Am I being petty? I would like to think that someone says to her in the morning. Would you like to wear one of your new jumpers? Shall we put these lovely new pyjamas on? Do you want a spray of your perfume? Is it a stupid thing to complain about? I found it quite upsetting. It’s her first Christmas in the care home and she doesn’t really have much idea that of what’s going on Which makes her very vulnerable.

I agree that's upsetting. I'd be pretty gutted tbh, not to mention bitterly angry.

Are you happy her personal needs are being met otherwise? Does she look well cared for?

I think a quiet conversation with the manager about how you feel is definitely warranted.

I'm sorry this has made a difficult time even harder for you.

Not silly at all, definitely worth mentioning. You need to be 100 % happy with care level.

I don’t know actually. Naturally your focus is solely on your mum but they have dozens to look after and keep track of who has had presents dropped off and how long ago. If she’s otherwise well looked after then I wouldn’t get too vexed about it. It is hard though.

That's so sad, your mum is a person not just a patient.

I know they have dozens to look after but she is paying £900 a week. In normal times we would be provide extra care ourselves but we can’t. I am a teacher and teach 28 children. Parents would go mad if I neglected to pass on pe kit or gloves because I was too busy with everything else. There are only 36 in the home. Mum does look physically ok and seems ok usually although she does say they don’t like her and are mean to her. I take that with a pinch of salt because she said that about my dad when she was home. It just felt really sad.

I think your expectations are entirely unrealistic and unreasonable at this time. She had her presents. She opened them that’s fine.
The care home staff are probably operating on a skeleton staff due to Christmas leave, Covid19 and Brexit. They have all the people to care for in hugely difficult circumstances. They are paid a pittance.

You want glitter on the care perhaps you should provide it?

The thing is I did try and provide the glitter that’s the point. That’s why I bought her lots of lovely presents. They wouldn’t let me give them to her because they insisted they had to be quarantined. I am not blaming any staff and I won’t make a strong complaint I just need reassurance that the presents we bought she will have them and use them and that someone is caring for her day to day and she is not just another mad old woman in a care home. When we can get in we will be able to keep an eye and provide any extra but at the moment we can’t so we have to trust others to do it.

OP I think pp is pointing out that the very busy, overworked (often on low pay) staff are busy giving personal care to the residents and, whilst it was important to you for your DM to be given the presents, this is at the bottom of their list of priorities after washing, dressing, changing and seeing to the personal needs of 36 residents. You provided the glitter but staff having to take responsibility for it all 36 times over, with no extra staffing, is a lot of extra work so no, I don’t think finding something still in a bag you took a week a go shows a lack of care. You are unlikely to have all 28 of your students needing a pe kit or gloves passing on to them in the same week as seeing 28 sets of parents.

If her hair was regularly unbrushed, clothes dirty or inside out, she was sat in wet underwear then raise hell, report and move her.

No one likes their loved one in a home, I totally understand, it was bad enough visiting in normal times but the extra pressure of Covid is awful and the thought of a loved one needing to have the care of strangers is upsetting. I’m sorry the present giving didn’t go as planned but I don’t think it warrants a complaint

Is it possible that the care home staff are trying to help your mum by dressing her in clothes that she is familiar with? How does your mum react to change?

SilentLaughing exactly. I haven’t sent my mother any presents or arranged to see her because I know it just places more burden on the home staff. They give kind, compassionate care 24 hours a day; I can see they offer good care. What they don’t need is me demanding more of fussing about a particular cardigan. My mother has no cognition; she won’t know whether I visit or not. She won’t know what she’s wearing.

What might impact on the staffs ability to stroke her hand to calm her is pressure to offer ‘visits’, search for presents and be seen to be making a fuss for relatives.
If I didn’t trust them, my mother would be moved. I don’t need scent to know she is being as well cared for as her condition allows.

I worked nights in a care home. I was much younger and in a very low position but I can tell you that those whose advocates shouted loudest were treated the best.

Shout loud!

That would really upset me and I work i health care and know how busy it can be. Were the presents all together in a bag or pillowcase with her name on.

It is crappy. It is also unsurprising. Yes, it is difficult for care staff; yes they are understaffed etc BUT they need to make arrangements for stuff like this. In normal times, family sort this stuff out if they are around. If you are not allowed to do this then yes they should have made sure she got the presents. I remember how upset I was on my ds birthday that the arrangements I had made for him to celebrate were completely forgotten about. He is in residential care as an adult with disabilities and it was very upsetting that staff couldn't be arsed to do what had been agreed.

Cherry Roulade you seem to be advocating no visiting because it causes work for the staff. My mum is pleased to see us and recognises us. It would be awful of us not to visit and I have to take my dad, who lives in their family home and also has dementia. He is pining for mum and needs to see her. I try not to be a nuisance and would certainly not complain about the cardigan she is wearing. It’s all new to me. Mum went in during COVID and we have never been inside. I am the only person who can advocate for her.

Care home Christmases are fucking brutal in my experience. We paid £37 a head to eat Christmas Dinner on what we knew would be my dm's last Christmas. It was tiny and grim. The home was supposed to be one of the best in the area and they just didn't bloody care.
I'm so sorry they've let your mum down, you all deserve better, much much better.
I hope, like me you have some good Christmases in the future to make up for this one x

I was a carer for 4 years. I'll never do it again.
We were understaffed, we never had sufficient time to take care of our residents the way they should have been taken care of.
I was told off once for spending too long helping a lady with her hair. Your expectations are not unrealistic at all. That is the care they should be getting. I ended up coming in on days off to do things like painting nails, having a clothing sort out, taking them to the sea front for ice cream! The cost is astounding and the least the staff can do is offer some of their bloody perfume when helping assist in care.
Also I was on £6 something an hour, for 12 hour shifts and the hardest job I'll ever have. I do feel for the staff as I desperately wanted to be better at my job than I was, simply because I didn't have the time or Staff to really help. 2 staff to 28 residents in an afternoon. Choosing between helping someone eat or leaving to assist to the loo. Honestly the guilt and upset from that job. I miss the residents every day. They were amazing, I truly adored them. But I could never ever do such an upsetting job again.
I really do feel for you op. I hope covid goes away very soon so you get more quality time with your DM X

@AMBOG

Cherry Roulade you seem to be advocating no visiting because it causes work for the staff. My mum is pleased to see us and recognises us. It would be awful of us not to visit and I have to take my dad, who lives in their family home and also has dementia. He is pining for mum and needs to see her. I try not to be a nuisance and would certainly not complain about the cardigan she is wearing. It’s all new to me. Mum went in during COVID and we have never been inside. I am the only person who can advocate for her.

Not at all. I’m saying creating significant extra work isn’t ideal. My mother doesn’t know whether it’s day or night so any visits would be for me, not her. I’d think carefully before generating additional work is all I’m saying. Glad your mother can still enjoy visits. It is scary if you’ve not had ordinary times to get used to the situation.

Thank you for the kind responses. I was never going to go in guns blazing but I am going to mention it. My responsibility is my mum. I have no doubt that she is cared for physically and she does always look clean and cared for but I should be able to give her presents if I want to and be sure she gets them.

If mention it long and loudly

At £900 a week I'd want really amazing care

This makes me so incredibly angry. Of course you're not expecting too much. Of course someone should be treating her kindly. If it doesn't improve look to move her.

I agree with Cherry. DMIL is in care and we've reduced all visits in lockdown precisely because we want the staff to be looking after the patients.

When we do see her or they send photos, she's always looked clean, in her own clothes and they phone us if she ever needs anything.

If we didn't trust them implicitly she'd be moved.

Care homes are notorious for providing a mediocre service for a pretty penny, being run on a shoe string for maximum profit. They’re like nurseries, absolute licenses to print money and still they can’t be arsed a lot of the time. Things like this would make me consider whether it’s the right home. £900/week and they can’t be bothered to pass on a few gifts?! I’d be taking my money elsewhere!

*I think your expectations are entirely unrealistic and unreasonable at this time. She had her presents. She opened them that’s fine.
The care home staff are probably operating on a skeleton staff due to Christmas leave, Covid19 and Brexit. They have all the people to care for in hugely difficult circumstances. They are paid a pittance.

You want glitter on the care perhaps you should provide it?*

Sounds like someone is a care home manager! Individual staff may be paid a pittance but the management teams certainly aren’t! For that price, they should be providing glitter made from gold.

I have found it really helpful being able to do video calls with my mum in her care home . The home has a couple of iPads specifically for this reason, you book in a call and the staff set it up. They will prop the iPad so mum can see me and either stay with her for the call or keep coming back to check she is ok with it (she has quite advanced dementia ). I find this really helpful as it allows me to see the interactions between mum and the staff and also the normal functioning of the home eg I can see/hear any activities going on . I wondered if your mum's home does anything similar ?

With regards the presents , sometimes it's just about getting used to their procedures, so if you know that a home 'quarantines' things taken in for residents then you know that you need to drop stuff off in plenty of time .

It must be very difficult for you, and for your family for your parents to be separated at their stage in life, particularly with current difficulties around visiting .

Honestly, I'm going to go against the grain slightly and say the fact someone found it after half an hour suggest someone put in a safe place and it just hadn't been well communicated where. I'm not saying it's great care but it's not the worst thing that could have happened. Does she generally appear happy and well looked after? That's the main thing.