Care home Christmas Day and presents left should I make a fuss?

[AMBOG]

3 days before Christmas went to visit mum in the care home. Wanted to visit outside ( had brought blankets and a hot water bottle) because although we can go inside in a sort of plastic box inside the main room, I have my dad with me and I have been working in a school. Mum wouldn’t stand up to transfer to a wheel chair so had to go in box. I had brought some presents for Christmas Day and wanted to give them to her but they said they had to be quarantined first. Duly left them then came back later with more presents. I asked if someone would help
her open them or if we could do it when we came on Christmas Day. They said they would save them for us. Christmas Day we are suddenly not allowed to visit outside. ( there is never any communication about these matters ) so all go into little box (4 of us) I ask about presents and they can’t find them. 20 minutes later still haven’t found them. Everyone there denies all knowledge because they have just come on. After about half an hour they find them and we open them with her. They also find something that I brought a week ago still in its bag with the label on. It felt like a real lack of care. We can’t get in so we have to trust that mum is being looked after by the people in there. Am I being petty? I would like to think that someone says to her in the morning. Would you like to wear one of your new jumpers? Shall we put these lovely new pyjamas on? Do you want a spray of your perfume? Is it a stupid thing to complain about? I found it quite upsetting. It’s her first Christmas in the care home and she doesn’t really have much idea that of what’s going on Which makes her very vulnerable.

I would be very wary about reducing visits and contact. In my experience, this does not lead to staff having more time to look after the residents, but it can lead to standards slipping and care being less good. It is pretty obvious that if no one is checking or even noticing then it is much easier for care needs to be neglected. There was a thread on here where a nurse was contemplating whistle blowing because the care home wanted her to accept people being wakened and dressed from 4.30 am in order to get it done before the day shift started. OP, continue to ask and check on what is happening. You are your mum's advocate.

@WinstonmissesXmas I personally don't know a lot about care homes but there's defo not a lot of money in nurseries lol. They were on the bare bones and that was before covid, some won't even survive it. I don't know where people get the idea that they are money makers

I would be very wary about reducing visits and contact. I understand what you mean but we do still have regular contact and we are pretty convinced she's been looked after. In the extended family someone has a visit/zoom each week with calls and photos being sent as well.

It’s alright for the people saying they don’t visit because they don’t want to provide extra work. We have never been in the home. We don’t know what is happening or not. It would be really neglectful not to visit. It’s the only way we can see her. She is quite deaf so we can’t phone. The home has just failed an inspection because of safely and management. They have a new manager who is turning things round. From what I have seen the staff are very kind and my mum is not easy. I would hate to move her as she is settled. I think it is a good point that the management need to know that family are looking out for residents so they provide the best care they can.

@CherryRoulade you are so bang out of order.

I am a nurse for people who don't pay for their care , and we absolutely care that people have their presents, favourite clothes, and yes we try to put the glitter on top of the icing because we look after our patients quite literally as though they are our family.

@AMBOG you are not unreasonable in your expectations . Dont lower them. Your mum absolute deserves true personalised care ... challenge the staff and the practice its how things improve.

[quote IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls]@CherryRoulade you are so bang out of order.

I am a nurse for people who don't pay for their care , and we absolutely care that people have their presents, favourite clothes, and yes we try to put the glitter on top of the icing because we look after our patients quite literally as though they are our family.

@AMBOG you are not unreasonable in your expectations . Dont lower them. Your mum absolute deserves true personalised care ... challenge the staff and the practice its how things improve.

[/quote]
I’m sure many do.... it with huge pandemic staffing shortages it isn’t reality expect staff to get everything right all the time. Many homes have staff on their knees, missing leave and days off to offer a basic good quality care.
I’m delighted you can find the time and staff to permit you to provide very personalised care; most homes are struggling at the moment. Preventing pressure damage, ensuring pain relief, assisting people to eat has to take priority over finding presents that have been put away for safe keeping.
Nobody is suggesting poor care is ever acceptable, but at the moment there’s a balance to be had.

And @AMBOG as a mental health nurse of course you should visit if you want to !!

I cant believe some of the attitudes on here. Psychologically it is so important for you & your mum & dad to maintain a connection.
It promotes hope and helps people's wellbeing, lessens feelings of isolation.

Absolutely always do what is in the best interests of your family & mum - not the staff .

As staff we are here to support and meet the needs of the family- your expectations of what you need from us for you & your mum should not alter because we are in a pandemic.

Things might need to be done in a different way but the standard of care should not change.
I am very passionate about that .

@CherryRoulade i am glad you do not work for me and you are probably glad you dont .

We did the video calls and they were awful. She can’t hear and doesn’t respond at all. The care home have been good at facilitating visits outside or in the main room with a plastic screen, though it is right by the blaring telly. I did drop the stuff off in plenty of time although that was the first time I had heard about quarantining. It never occurred to me that we shouldn’t visit because it would inconvenience the staff.

It shouldn't have to occur to you to think about whether you will inconvenience the staff ... thats not your responsibility @AMBOG .

It really isn't

[quote IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls]@CherryRoulade i am glad you do not work for me and you are probably glad you dont .

[/quote]
Sounds like good management attitudes - not.

Thank you again. I did think the response from cherry roulade was very harsh. Everyone’s circumstances are different. We didn’t visit for 2 weeks because we weren’t allowed and mum accused us of neglect. I feel like we are the only people who listen to her. She always liked chatting and is not really capable of connecting with others in the home. Her mental deterioration has been really swift.

@AMBOG

We did the video calls and they were awful. She can’t hear and doesn’t respond at all. The care home have been good at facilitating visits outside or in the main room with a plastic screen, though it is right by the blaring telly. I did drop the stuff off in plenty of time although that was the first time I had heard about quarantining. It never occurred to me that we shouldn’t visit because it would inconvenience the staff.

No it’s not about inconvenience to staff. Of course people should visit where it is of benefit to the residents. It’s huge important for people with cognisance. I’m merely suggesting that families need to be mindful basic care needs have to take priority and at the moment, in some homes, the staffing is compromised by infection.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls - thank you for your responses I was beginning to doubt myself.

It’s huge important for people with cognisance. DMIL has lost mental capacity and doesn't recognise family unfortunately.

Are you completely happy with the home? They seem to be facilitating visits to your DM in a way that suits her but you have sone concerns and have mentioned them failing a recent report.

AMBOG you'd be right to mention it to the home. It's completely understandable that they had other priorities and with shifts of staff, it's not always easy to keep track of things that have been dropped off, but if you don't mention it, they won't have the chance to organise things a bit better either for your mum or another resident.

@AMBOG dont doubt yourself at all.

@CherryRoulade its not about my management attitudes being poor - it's about leadership.
I don't expect families to take into consideration staffing levels etc - that isn't their problem to deal with .

Yes we are all human, yes we make mistakes, but personal care is not the only basic need - compassion, respect, dignity and communication all fall under the bracket of basic needs.

If we are going to say that we accept the quality & standard of service / care is going to be affected by a pandemic then that is a very slippery slope to be on.

What other businesses/ services can get away with saying that ??

Do you think the standard of care is lower in ICU & cardiac wards because of a pandemic?
Because it isnt .

And neither should it be acceptable in care homes either.

Slightly off topic but £900 a week is very reasonable! Looking last year for a relative was an eye-opener. Ranged from 750 to 1500 in our area. The 1500 a week wanted an extra 200 as well for dementia care. We ended up with a lovely cosy home for 750 a week. I think a lot of problems are down to shifts changing with no proper communication channels. It all depends on the manager ime.

@AMBOG

It’s alright for the people saying they don’t visit because they don’t want to provide extra work. We have never been in the home. We don’t know what is happening or not. It would be really neglectful not to visit. It’s the only way we can see her. She is quite deaf so we can’t phone. The home has just failed an inspection because of safely and management. They have a new manager who is turning things round. From what I have seen the staff are very kind and my mum is not easy. I would hate to move her as she is settled. I think it is a good point that the management need to know that family are looking out for residents so they provide the best care they can.

Ah so your mum has moved in during the last year . That must be so difficult . TBF I have been doing video links because apart from a 3 week period during the summer we were not allowed visits in person due to Covid levels in the community . At first mum couldn't understand that it was me on the screen , but I found it useful being able to see what was happening in the background and to observe mums interactions with the staff (eg she was comfortable and happy with them). If your mum has only recently moved in you are in a very different position to me and it must be hard on all of you.

I, too, find the idea of not visiting due to it being an inconvenience to staff a strange idea . If there is a visiting room then the home is expecting visitors . Mums home opened up to visitors again with a special room (like your glass box) a few weeks ago. Any visits need to be booked in advance , including any outdoor window visits .

Perhaps one of the things you could suggest to the manager is a weekly newsletter / update for families so you are more informed as to what is going on. We get a weekly update regarding Covid response / visiting processes / plans for vaccinations etc, even during the months where nothing changed we still got this. We also get individual updates every few weeks from the activities coordinator with some photographs of our loved ones and what they've been doing . The staff who do these things are different to the care staff .

I also agree with the poster who said that although £900 seems a lot of money, in terms of care home costings it is nowhere near the top end . I think prices to a certain extent are regional as none of our local homes have the very high prices mentioned on here . Costs for mum have gone up as she has needed a higher level of care .

I think some people forget the sick and disabled are entitled to quality of life not just a basic existence. There is provision for it in law. You're not expecting too much OP.

The first care home mum went in ( she was transferred from hospital in May) was 1,200 a week but it wasn’t a dementia home as we had no idea she had dementia ( we should have known really the signs had been there for a while) this first home couldn’t cope with her. She seemed to go crazy over night and was screaming and biting. We then had to pay an extra thousand a week for 1-1 care and I had to fine another home to take her. It was all an awful shock and very distressing because the staff were talking about this awful behaviour and yet when I spoke to her on the phone she seemed perfectly normal. The other homes I looked at were round about the same price up here and 900 did seem reasonable. The home has done well with mum she has settled and no longer needs 1-1. She has Parkinson’s and I think the dementia is like Lewy bodies where you have hallucinations that you think are real. Mum also gets a contribution of about 200 from CHC so she is lucky.

My Dad is in a nursing home the same size as yours. They got their Christmas decorations up by the beginning of December. They had a 100th birthday at the beginning of Dec so they dressed up (including the manager) as Christmas elves for the day. Then last Monday the elves had another outing for Father Christmas's grotto. My father apparently enjoyed it greatly - I have a picture of him grinning broadly and wearing antlers.

They set aside an area for presents to be held, so we didn't all have to trek down on Christmas Day, and I put them all in a green bin bag with his name clearly marked. The activities coordinator came in on Christmas morning to distribute presents. Dad rang me in a grump because he couldn't manage to open his presents, so I rang to say he would need help, and they said they were in the middle of getting Christmas dinner together but someone would help him afterwards. And this morning Dad rang me full of the joys of spring to thank me for all the presents.

Since early March I have seen him 3 times through a window, for less than 10 mins each time the third time with the window closed so we couldn't talk. Being able to hand over presents was never going to happen.

@AmberItsACertainty absolutely.
If only there were more of us that thought this way .

@AMBOG oh your poor mum. My dad had vascular dementia and he had a lot of hallucinations. Frightening for them and very difficult for family to deal with .

Sounds like the care home are doing really well with her.

I imagine the screaming and biting were your mum trying to defend herself as she didn't understand what was going on . It's a shame the first home couldn't cope with that but good that they are able to provide what she needs now.