Care home Christmas Day and presents left should I make a fuss?

[AMBOG]

3 days before Christmas went to visit mum in the care home. Wanted to visit outside ( had brought blankets and a hot water bottle) because although we can go inside in a sort of plastic box inside the main room, I have my dad with me and I have been working in a school. Mum wouldn’t stand up to transfer to a wheel chair so had to go in box. I had brought some presents for Christmas Day and wanted to give them to her but they said they had to be quarantined first. Duly left them then came back later with more presents. I asked if someone would help
her open them or if we could do it when we came on Christmas Day. They said they would save them for us. Christmas Day we are suddenly not allowed to visit outside. ( there is never any communication about these matters ) so all go into little box (4 of us) I ask about presents and they can’t find them. 20 minutes later still haven’t found them. Everyone there denies all knowledge because they have just come on. After about half an hour they find them and we open them with her. They also find something that I brought a week ago still in its bag with the label on. It felt like a real lack of care. We can’t get in so we have to trust that mum is being looked after by the people in there. Am I being petty? I would like to think that someone says to her in the morning. Would you like to wear one of your new jumpers? Shall we put these lovely new pyjamas on? Do you want a spray of your perfume? Is it a stupid thing to complain about? I found it quite upsetting. It’s her first Christmas in the care home and she doesn’t really have much idea that of what’s going on Which makes her very vulnerable.

There is lots the home are doing really well. I love the fact that they have allowed visits outside and now in the little box inside. I think that homes that are not allowing any visits are awful. I also think that when we all get our vaccinations and can visit again they might for a fee let dad go every day, although there is some doubt whether mum will like that as one of her hallucinations is that he has been having a fling with a bossy woman called Molly with a very big head. He is so sad without her because he has no recollection of how awful it was when she was at home.

There is lots the home are doing really well. I love the fact that they have allowed visits outside and now in the little box inside. I think that homes that are not allowing any visits are awful. I also think that when we all get our vaccinations and can visit again they might for a fee let dad go every day, although there is some doubt whether mum will like that as one of her hallucinations is that he has been having a fling with a bossy woman called Molly with a very big head. He is so sad without her because he has no recollection of how awful it was when she was at home.

My DMIL has Delirium along with her Vascular Dementia. Eventually, after the hospital and GP ruling out all other potential causes she's been put on anti-psychotic drugs and has settled a little.

One of the things that is odd is that DFIL seems to have very little recognition of what she was like before being admitted to hospital with Delirium.

There also seems to be an awful lot of romanising going on "oh lady Christmas Day was so much better because she was at home". No, we were having to take it in turns to walk her around our village as she had no clue what was going on and kept asking who all the people were in her house and wax getting more distressed as the day progressed.

My mum kept saying that dad had hit her and was swearing at her when she was home, so much so that I rang social services I was really concerned about the way things were going. He has always been devoted to her. She ordered him round like a slave. Everyone commented on it. He’s just rung me now to ask who is the boss now and I said I am.

He pines for her like a lovesick teenager. Nothing else makes him happy. As soon as he sees me he asks have you seen your mother? It’s wearing because nothing I can do will make him ok.

I initially didn't recognise the dementia in my dad as it presented so differently to my mum. He went through a phase where he had actually forgotten who my mum was and thought that she was some random woman who had been sent to live with him .

It was all very difficult .

Thankfully this was just a phase.
It's all so sad though.

He pines for her like a lovesick teenager. Nothing else makes him happy. As soon as he sees me he asks have you seen your mother? It’s wearing because nothing I can do will make him ok

This is exactly how DFIL is. On the one hand I do feel really sorry for him. He's never lived alone before and hadn't chosen to but I know that DMIL was very unhappy with him for a long time before she became ill and life wasn't quite as rosy as he's remembering.

£900/week is pretty cheap for dementia care actually. (Obviously it depends on where you live!)

It’s about standard here I think give or take a couple of 100. Mum and dad had a good relationship although she definitely was the boss. He was deteriorating before her and his short term memory was shot. She was the one who controlled everything and he was the one who helped her with her physical disability. He is a really polite man and never asks for anything but it is still wearing. It feels like a massive responsibility (I know that’s the same for everyone on this board) and I am really thankful that mum is the one in the home as dad is so much easier to look after, namely because he does as he is told. There are no light bits though and not even a sense of satisfaction for a job well done. People say things like you are doing a great job, but I know I am not doing a great job. I am doing my duty. You always feel you could be nicer and spend more time. Today I felt I should have taken dad for a walk but he doesn’t even want to go for a walk.

£900/week is pretty cheap for dementia care actually. (Obviously it depends on where you live

Think it does totally depend on where you live. DMIL's is £650.

My sister was a carer for many years. She worked in a council run nursing home but they were always understaffed as she said one or two staff was always off sick. She worked 3 days a week but usually used to shop for residents in her own time buying them personal items and cards and stamps to send to their families. She often popped in to drop off a birthday card and spent an extra hour chatting to the clients. I know several relatives of residents used to ask her to spray on perfume, read to residents and put makeup on for them. She did not get to.e to do this when working so often popped in on her own time because she had promised a family member. Some other staff did similar but others did the bare minimum they had to do. She also used to buy residents who had no family a small birthday gift and card she used to say otherwise they would have nothing to open. She always said the residents who had regular visitors got treated best by care home as they were always afraid of complaints.

Caring carer that’s an awful indictment of care homes. I know being a carer is underpaid and undervalued and I suppose care must often be down to individuals. Your sister went over and above and I think you’re right it is important that family are known to care and keep an eye on things. Although a well run home would care for all their residents equally whether they had family or not.