Dad, aged 90 + is begging me to visit

[SausageCrush]

Several weeks of lockdown and my poor, extroverted Df is crawling up the walls with boredom.

I won't be visiting, but am very upset by his obvious distress.

He is physically frail, but still mentally very alert and really missing family visits, going to the park, shops, etc. He has carers in twice a day to do the basics, but is otherwise alone in his flat (in sheltered accommodation.)

His call today has left me in tears of frustration and really questioning the whole quality versus quantity of life in what might well be his last few months.

It's a difficult one. My gran is 90 and is finding this very hard as her life revolves basically around going out to various shops to buy her groceries every day. She's really struggling and is still going out every couple of days as otherwise she says she'd top herself!

Honestly, with a father that age I would think this might come under caring for someone vulnerable - that doesn't have to be just their physical well being. Have you been pretty much isolating for lockdown?

can't you visit him and keep a distance?
I visit my parents every 2nd weekend and stay there for 4 days, I could never them when they need me most. I live alone in another city 92miles away and my partner stays in his own place.

I can't imagine leaving someone who's 90 years old alone knowing well enough he has little to live anyway. I'm sure if you ask him, he'd rather die happy with coronavirus, than alone with something else

you know you can leave your house to go and care for the vulnerable

don't visit him the same days as you go shopping sit oppsite side of the room etc my father is a similar age but he is with my mother he is not alone otherwise I might feel like you do and he does

"don't visit him the same days as you go shopping" why?

How far away is he? Can you visit and keep a safe distance?

I visit my elderly parents, (nearly 90) we sit in the garden, if I am questioned (which I haven’t been) I would count it as ‘helping the vulnerable’.

Providing support to a vulnerable person is permitted. Personally I would interpret this as whatever support they need, not just food shopping.

I would go and see him

If he has carers in twice a day, what’s one more person, really? If you stay at a safe distance & don’t touch anything, maybe sit on a plastic sheet or something, I don’t think you would be increasing the risk that much. Just make sure he fully understands & you both are happy with the risks.

I would go. I couldn't bear to have him in a state like that. Would it be possible for him to stay with you until it's over?

Just go and see him.

I think you can definitely justify visiting your 90 year old father who lives alone.

I'd go if I were you. If he is happy to take the risk then I wouldn't deny him your company. It's no way for someone to spend their twilight years.

Definitely go and see him. The shielding advice says for anyone coming in to the home to remain 2 metres from the shielding person. Just do that and obviously don't go if you're not in tip top condition.

He has carers going in twice a day. You'll be less of a danger to him than they are, if you're distancing properly; I bet he'd rather a visit from you!

Agree with others.

If he's on the ground floor, you may be able to stand outside his window and talk?

Otherwise, yes clean clothes to visit, wash hands as soon as you get there, stay 2m away.

Mental health is part of health. It must be so awful to be so lonely.

I'd go too. He's got people coming in and out already and at his age it's important to put happiness and the forefront of decision making. This could go on for a year or more and what's the point at 90 living another year but being miserable?

Could you visit and sit in the garden OP - does he have some outdoor space? I agree about the quality vs. quantity thing. Our older loved ones could be shielded for up to 18 months, which means, in some cases, never seeing their families again. I think we all need to take this advice as just that - advice - and then behave sensibly, but kindly. If he's struggling, visit if you can.

I would go and visit from outside. My only concern would be the risk from the carers who may well be visiting several other people and may not have been tested.

Please go and see your dad

We moved in with DMum at beginning of lockdown because we felt it was safer us looking after her than her carers going in 3 x a week. DH is working from home, my business has gone down the tubes so the only time DH or I are coming into contact with anyone else is a half hour shopping trip every two and a half or three weeks. I'm sure if you're social distancing you could visit your Dad's quite safely - just maintain your distance from him but sit and have a cuppa and a natter. It's so hard and I'm sure such complete isolation will cause people to take more risks than sensible distancing/hygiene.

I think the government have even said that circumstances are different with people who are life-limited. Of course, he may live for years, but at his age and with daily carers, I would definitely visit.

My DM is 88 and says she is isolating. She is not!

She has had a group of 4 friends round to her house twice. She thinks because they sit in the garden this is ok. She only told me this was happening because she was a bit concerned as 2 of them needed to use her toilet.
The ones in their ‘70’s are still shopping etc. They are not isolating.

I have decided to leave her to get on with it. You can’t make people do things, it’s her decision.

Same with your dad OP, I wouldn’t blame you for going round.

I wouldn’t think sheltered accommodation would be welcoming of visitors?

Could he come live with you?

My mother is nearly 90 and lives alone. I visit once a week with a newspaper and groceries, use the side gate and sit in the garden for a few minutes, more than two metres away. It pains her that she can't make me tea, but I don't go into her house or touch anything of hers. My sister does the same midweek and we're the only two people age actually sees.

We do loads with her online, especially Words With Friends - she does ballet and art classes for mature people on YouTube, we do WhatsApp video calls on Sundays to make her feel in touch with us, if any of that would help? (Maybe not the ballet).

Assess the risks vs the benefit. Clearly he isn’t going to infect you. What do you think the risks are of you infecting him? Can you mitigate those risks? Stay 2m away from him for airborne risks, lots of hand hygiene (sanitiser/washing) and minimise surfaces touched to avoid passing it that way. What other risks are involved? Have a serious think then make your decision. (FWIW I’d definitely be going).

Weve had a family berevement. Im thinking about visiting a vulnerable relative whos not coping well emotionally.