Dad, aged 90 + is begging me to visit

[SausageCrush]

Several weeks of lockdown and my poor, extroverted Df is crawling up the walls with boredom.

I won't be visiting, but am very upset by his obvious distress.

He is physically frail, but still mentally very alert and really missing family visits, going to the park, shops, etc. He has carers in twice a day to do the basics, but is otherwise alone in his flat (in sheltered accommodation.)

His call today has left me in tears of frustration and really questioning the whole quality versus quantity of life in what might well be his last few months.

I would go. I do my mums shopping (76) but she goes in the sitting room while I put it on her kitchen counter (new gloves, mask on etc) then go to the garden. She has a beautiful little town centre garden and I sit in "my chair" which she never touches and she sits on hers. The other day she left me a glass of wine in the kitchen which I drank in the garden with her as it's my my late dads birthday. The glass is probably still there where i left it and she will get it in a week or so. It's really important to me to see her as it is VITAL for her mental health. I have taught her how to Houseparty and that's a good thing too although she jumps in shock everyone it connects and then laughs like a drain for about 5 minutes before speaking. I love that.

I would visit him, I have to say. I know some will berate me and tell me that it is against the "roolz", or their version of them.

At 90 though, you really don't know how long he has left so there is a balance to be struck.

I feel I have a similar issue with my 85 year old parents. My Dad is in the shielded category due to severe COPD and my Mum is very immobile due to osteoporosis and probably arthritis too. My Dad is actually her carer and I live a three hour drive away. She had to be taken to hospital by ambulance the other day, but is thankfully home now. It felt scary at the time though.

They are trying to follow the guidelines given in my Dad's letter to shield, and he is a man who does love a rule. They don't want visitors, although we would all love to see each other. I really hope I can get to see them both again before it really is too late.

If your Dad wants you to go then go. Don't regret not going. Call it helping to care for a vulnerable family member and keeping them safe.

I wouldn't hesitate in going to see him.

I would visit, he is 90 plus he could pass away any time!! Just think how you would feel If he passed with natural causes and you had not seen him for months.

Totally agree with everyone. What are the rules on travelling 85 miles there and back to see my 84 year old mum. We have been assuming NO as she is on the vulnerable list.

Just go and see him x

Agree with PP mental health is also health. Go visit dad. At 90+ his call for you to visit is his choosing of the quality or quantity of life. Go fulfil dads happiness.

Anyone who is having carers in is extremely vulnerable already.
Hard to know why you wouldn't go tbh
Have you spoken to him about what he wants? He may decide the value of your visit outweighs the risk and that could be the basis on how you proceed?
Unless he has dementia an honest conversation needs to occur unless you are concerned fir your own safety due to his carers which is a different issue I guess

What is your job situation op?
Front line NHS worker? Probably not.
Wfh/ furlough / retired etc then is talk to him and go. Agree he unlocks the door and you sure opposite sides of the room. Take a flask and drink from your own cup. Wipe the handles etc that you touch.

If you are well and have been isolating as much as possible (wfh, minimal shopping and no interaction), then I would visit & keep a couple of metres away from him. Take your own garden chair & flask.

The ones in their ‘70’s are still shopping etc. They are not isolating. They are allowed to do that. It's only people on the shielding list who can't shop.

Some people in their 70s are caring for their parents in their 90s.

Go and see him
He’s vulnerable
Keep your distance

Thank you everyone.

I'm going to see him this week.

He'll be so happy and of course we'll be careful.

It was actually the carers who advised against visiting for the twelve weeks, but I definitely need to be looking out for his mental health and to be mindful of how frail he is.

I think the carers were just following the government guidelines op.Enjoy seeing him, i think ill pick up my vulnerable relative for the funeral x

Sorry for your loss Cheesy.
Difficult times

Thanks saussage. Enjoy your time with your dad xx

sausage does he have a scheme manager at all? I work in sheltered housing and I’m contacting my residents more often than usual, I appreciate it’s not the same as you visiting, and it’s lovely to see that you are, but if one of my residents family contacted me and said they were worried about their relative feeling isolated, I’d be happy to help.

Glad to read your update OP - because my reply would have been that even though I've been following the rules completely, in your situation, I would have to go and visit him

I went to stay with my 98yo gran two weeks after lockdown, as she was struggling with her mental and physical health. I isolated for 2 weeks beforehand. I would go.

Going against advice here but honestly at 90 I would go if that is what he wants.
I dutifully shielded my fit and seemingly healthy mum (70s) for five weeks - agony for her, she was so lonely and missing grandchildren.
Shes now alone in hospital with a likely terminal illness- if I could turn back the clock I'd be there every day those last five weeks.

Christ I'd go without hesitation.

Mayhem “ Shes now alone in hospital with a likely terminal illness- if I could turn back the clock I'd be there every day those last five weeks.”

I’m so sorry.

Go. If he died you'd never forgive yourself x

I'm really pleased youre going. He sounds like my DF who has just turned 95. My mums in a home so he can't see her, he can't go out for lunch with his friends (his social life was amazing). No slap up birthday celebration this year. I really feel for him, but he's put a brave face on it and has been pretty good. He's been really busy working on the garden which has never looked so nice.

I took the view I need to see him. He's pretty deaf so phone calls don't work well and I need to check he's all right. He doesn't need carers, I do his housework and laundry, put out his bins etc and of course his supermarket shopping now. I also managed to connect him for a zoom meeting last Friday so he could catch up with his friends.

It's a judgement really, he wants me to go and I think it's the right thing to do - we don't know how long he's got left and I'd hate him to be unhappier than he needs to be in his final years...