Dad, aged 90 + is begging me to visit

[SausageCrush]

Several weeks of lockdown and my poor, extroverted Df is crawling up the walls with boredom.

I won't be visiting, but am very upset by his obvious distress.

He is physically frail, but still mentally very alert and really missing family visits, going to the park, shops, etc. He has carers in twice a day to do the basics, but is otherwise alone in his flat (in sheltered accommodation.)

His call today has left me in tears of frustration and really questioning the whole quality versus quantity of life in what might well be his last few months.

Dm is recently widowed - she’s been isolated and we’ve all been isolating but she has had to have us visiting with food a deliveries have been sporadic and she has no neighbours.
Db and I have both had her in tears on the phone. She misses us, her grandchildren and my dad.

For her mental health we’ve taken the view it’s important to have contact. Please see him and don’t feel guilty. Dm said to me she didn’t care if she got corona because not seeing us was so much worse, so judge me. We’ve sat in the garden, she’s made me a coffee, I’ve bought her groceries.

Would he like to live with you for a few weeks?

This would come under supporting a vulnerable person. Visit him.

He is vulnerable. I go.

I visit my Dad in his mid 80s. I'm doing his weekly shopping. We observe the social distancing by sitting far apart in the garden. He loves seeing us, and it's good for his MH, as he doesn't have many friends left and certainly none he can see right now. I have absolutely no problem with this. Yes he's older but with no major health concerns and wants to see us, even from a distance. There has to be a question of quality of life.

My stepGM is also 90 - living alone in flats, but her kids and grandkids are sometimes coming over to meet in the block's garden, keeping 6ft apart.

I do think for the oldest people it should really be their and their family's choice as to what risk they will accept so the older person isn't alone.

My parents have just turned 70 and both have health conditions that put them at risk (not massive, I'd say, just slightly heightened). I have since lockdown been around once, to drop some groceries off before they found a regular delivery, come in through a side gate that my mum opened and sat outside over 6ft away, and I'm sure I'll do that again over the next few weeks. MIL (who is local) has also been over and chatted at end of front garden path and have seen plenty of families do likewise. I don't think anyone's churlish enough to really complain about people doing that.

Clearly he isn’t going to infect you.

He’s having Carers twice a week who could easily infect him and then him infect
OP before being symptomatic.

Saying that I’d still visit.

Speak to the manager at his sheltered accommodation, and explain his distress. They may well be able to come up with a solution that you’ve not thought of.

I wouldn't hesitate to go and see him.

I have an isolated parent too, with dementia. It’s just desperate. They keep asking when it’s going to be over. Day centres closing is a disaster. They can’t manage any online activities. I visit from a distance but the lack of physical contact is seriously damaging.

Go see your dad why wouldn’t you,he’ll be classed as vulnerable.Im seeing my very elderly mum twice a week staying for about an hour.

My Dad died a month before lockdown and my Mum is now stuck in the house by herself with no company apart from the dog (and thank god she has him).

If I didn’t live 200 miles away I would absolutely be going around there to be with her as her mental wellbeing is shot to pieces - she’s incredibly low and craving human company. We offered for her to come and move in with us at the start of lockdown but she didn’t want to be away from the house she and Dad had shared

Go and see your Dad, take precautions, but if he needs you I think it’s OK.

You can probably visit within the rules about caring for a vulnerable person. His mental health is part of his care. Take care. x

My DM died a week ago in a care home from Covid.
I visited my DDad, he was so distressed I hugged him, he needed that more than distancing. He’s in the shielded group due to lung issues and age, but you have to weigh him up.
I’ll be driving him to the funeral as he’s not driven for 3 months following an operation and will be too upset to be safe driving. I will sit with him at the funeral.
Yes against guidelines, but the lesser of two evils, I’ve only been out once a week for shopping