Relative not eating properly

[Lamplighter234]

My lovely FIL aged 80 is recently bereaved, and historically MIL had done all the cooking - I mean everything. FIL isnt really what I’d call a good eater, but he just doesnt / won’t make himself any meals.
It’s a lack of knowledge, lack of interest but also a lack of willingness to learn any simple receipes or even try to put a meal together.
I’m at my wits end, he will only make sandwiches for himself. We invite him over twice a week and he says how good the food is, how he likes home cooked food etc, how he’s not had any hot food etc.
He’s active, has interests and gets out and about every day so I don’t think meals on wheels is appropriate (as he’s put a lot). When he’s got ready meals he just let them go out of date, just literally can’t be bothered to cook them.
I work FT, as does DH. I can’t take responsibility for feeding him, but also he can’t exist on Bread. He was just so used to to MIL making all his food. I’ve tried suggesting buying chicken breasts and pre prepared veg, making simple pasta meals but it all falls on deaf ears.
Does anyone have any experience or suggestions please, or do I just leave him to it?

How long ago did MIL pass away?

If he is out and about a lot is he with friends who could encourage him to eat? Could he go to a cafe for a hot meal?

I think at 80, learning to cook is simply going to be beyond him if his wife has done it all for him previously.

Does he go shopping? Can he use a microwave?

If his wife did all the cooking and shopping then he's probably totally bewildered with it. I know my dad would have been as my mum did everything for him.

The key to this is what does he want.
If he is not cooking because he does not know how to, could someone teach him some simple meals. Meals on wheels delivered ready to eat are the solution for some people.
If he gets out a lot, can he have a lunch out.
If he is sociable, would he go to lunch clubs/Age UK day centre etc to get some company too.
I would research what his local area has in the way of lunch clubs and see if he would go to a couple. Eating is a sociable activity and often people on their own do not eat well.

If he has capacity I’m afraid he has the right to exist on bread and water if he so wishes. Everyone is entitled to make poor decisions about their own life and that’s the law. I’m sure what he’d like is to come to you every day so that he can continue to have home cooked food. You could suggest having a carer come in once a day to heat up and serve a meal (or cook it properly, I have done this kind of work) it’s support rather than care. Other than that there’s not much more you can do other than ensure he has ready meals and easily prepared cold stuff to snack on.

If he chooses not to eat it but is otherwise mentally and physically able to prepare it there really isn’t much more you can do. Could it be that he’s getting depressed and lonely and just can’t be bothered because of that?

This often happens when older people are bereaved and living alone. To be honest I'd leave him to it. It's quite possible to live on sandwiches, and he is having two hot meals each week at your place.

My mother lived on boiled eggs and toast for several years after Dad died - wouldn't eat anything else despite our efforts. She remained healthy, and finally died in her sleep at 89 with no health issues at all , right up to the end.

Don't make a big thing of this - just keep him happy. He'll be fine, honestly.

Maybe he just needs time. I know my father did. He existed on soup and sandwiches for nearly a year because that is what he wanted to eat. I took him meals but he just couldn’t handle them. Gradually He took back control and he now cooks what he wants quite happily. It may not be what anyone else calls ‘full’ meals but he is happy and healthy. If he needs any help or fancies something different he rings and asks me and I male it for him. For ref my father is 86years old and I have taught him to make full dinners, stew, omelette etc etc...

MIL passed away 2 months ago. Sometimes he goes to a cafe for lunch, which I think is good idea as then he can have sandwich for his tea.but he doesn’t do it very frequently.
He goes out shopping, but its the planning out of meals, ingredients, which order to use them in he just has no interest in, or it’s too much effort ☹️, he buys tea sugar milk, bread etc, but not ‘ingredients’.
I’ve told him how I do it, ie I plan a couple of days in advance, and write a kind of plan/menu of what we’re having, making sure I use the food by the dates etc, but he just has no interest or doesn’t want to.

Is there anyway you could do a batch cook for him? And chuck it all in the freezer then all he has to do is get it out to defrost in the morning?

He's still grieving and I doubt at 80 he has any interest in learning to cook now

Maybe see if you can arrange meals on wheels or something similar

I'd suggest good quality effortless food. Small packets of deli meat (M&S do these), small cheeses, creamy West Country yogurts, good quality 'proper' bread, tempting fruit, cartons of soup to heat up, roast nuts, a breakfast cereal with dried fruit & seeds in. Donald Russell - donaldrussell.com - do ready meals that taste fairly homemade and you cook from frozen so they won't go out of date. Maybe the thing he could learn is how to cook a really good omelette (there's a Delia video online).

Yes I try to send him home with the leftovers when he eats with us. Even defrosting food properly seems to be beyond him though. He’s literally never had to do any stuff like this. My heart breaks for him.
I’ll look into Age Uk, and see if there’s anything which would interest him - a cooking course would be good! He really doesn’t see himself as ‘elderely’ though! He has friends, goes out everyday, in reasonable health for 80, and plays cards and darts so he socialises it’s just the food I’m worried about for him.

You need to lower your expectations on this elderly man who is going through the shittest time of his life.

I suggest going down the Wiltshire Farm Foods or Cook Meals route and don't even attempt to get him to learn to cook.

It's like asking someone with no interest to learn to play piano when they can just put a record on.

Thank you ScribblingMilly that sounds more up his street. Omelettes & jacket potatoes would be good, quick an easy.
Umm that’s not helpful Friendsofmine DH is also going through shittest time too and I’m trying to support both of them, and work FT with teenage kids doing GCSE’s we’re worried about lack of nutrition for him and reaching out for support and ideas.

We had a similar problem with my Dad. My sister batch cooked once a month and froze in individual portion's ready to microwave as needed. She also made things like sausages and bacon and froze them to defrost in microwave for more substantial sandwiches. Also we bought lots of easy to eat things like yoghurt's, trifle, soup in microwave cartons, ensure puddings, rice pudding tubs, ready made porridge, tinned fruit, custard in cartons, light fruit cake. Sometime my brother bought a take home meal in a carvery and my Dad ate half on the day and had half in the fridge for the next day. We had to make a simple sign for the wall on how to heat different things in the microwave. Hopefully as time goes on he is able to help himself a little more.

I agree with Friendsofmine your expectations of an elderly man only just bereaved are completely unrealistic. Maybe after six months revisit this but for the moment he's doing fine just getting himself out and about.

I think you have to give him time. It's only been 2 months.

I know my MIL didn't want to eat after FIL died despite her doing most of the cooking. I batch cooked loads for her so that she just had to warm something up. Some days that's all she could manage to do.

It gets better though she still doesn't enjoy cooking for one and i'm still sending her home with leftovers or inviting her to join us for dinner.

Here's Delia's video on how to cook an omelette. She goes through every single stage so you can't go wrong:

Is there a U3A in your area, some of them appear to run cookery courses for men, probably for this exact reason?

So I work with this situation a lot. With his age group he has relied on his wife for everything domestic so the fact he is up and functioning and going out is amazing. Expecting him to want to do what was his wife's role is possibly not feasible at this time. Of he doesn't want to cook/learn to cook/heat stuff up I would stock his fridge with cooked meats/cheeses/breads/salads/fruits/yogurts etc so he is eating well even if it is not hot. Also ensure drinks are fantastic for providing the nutrients required. Take this at his pace, it is probably the hardest thing he has gone through and I understand that it is hard for your oh but you too has lost his life partner who he would have been with for decades and is most likely very lost and struggling despite not showing it. Be patient and do not rush him. I dersay he is a very proud man so admitting he is struggling won't come easy.

You sound like a lovely DIL. As pp have said, it's unlikely your FIL will learn to cook at this point. You need to also accept that he is still in the early stages of grief. My df was the cook in the marriage but when my dm passed away, he didn't cook properly for quite a while. Now he's back to batch cooking and eats proper meals every night. With your fil, I think you need a mix of solutions such as healthy soups, yoghurt and custard pots, some ready meals and having him over to yours to eat.
Someone on the thread suggested cooking lessons for elderly people. Wouldn't that be a brilliant way for elderly people to get out and socialise?

Am afraid i agree with Friendsofmine, nothing that she wrote was a slight against you, shes just pointed out the facts clearly. Your fil is elderly and bereaved, he is not feeding himself properly. You have a lot on your plate supporting your dh and dc and working full time. You care otherwise you wouldnt have posted. Wiltshire farm foods or other meal services are brilliant, they deliver and put in the freezer. All that is needed is fil to pull one out and heat from frozen in the microwave, he dosent need them every day but at least its a proper meal for when he does have to fend for himself.

Ok thanks everyone. I’ve taken him shopping and he’s shown virtually no interest in any food again ☹️, but I’ve got him to buy some deli turkey, ham, bag of salad, couple of cartons of ‘real’ soup with plenty of veg in, eggs and some different cheeses and crackers. He said he never eats yoghurts I did suggest he might like them but he didn’t want to try any.
DH has said he probably won’t bother making the eggs, or eating the salad but at least he’ll have a few easy options, so we’ll see. It’s so hard and we’re both so worried for him.

If he's really eating nothing much at all, why not a few good quality cakes & chocolates, ice cream etc too? Calories are calories at the end of the day.

I really didn't mean to upset you I'm sorry.

Would he accept anyone coming in to cook a meal for him either at lunchtime or the evening? It would also be some company for him.

How is he coping with looking after his home, doing the laundry etc?