Relative not eating properly

[Lamplighter234]

My lovely FIL aged 80 is recently bereaved, and historically MIL had done all the cooking - I mean everything. FIL isnt really what I’d call a good eater, but he just doesnt / won’t make himself any meals.
It’s a lack of knowledge, lack of interest but also a lack of willingness to learn any simple receipes or even try to put a meal together.
I’m at my wits end, he will only make sandwiches for himself. We invite him over twice a week and he says how good the food is, how he likes home cooked food etc, how he’s not had any hot food etc.
He’s active, has interests and gets out and about every day so I don’t think meals on wheels is appropriate (as he’s put a lot). When he’s got ready meals he just let them go out of date, just literally can’t be bothered to cook them.
I work FT, as does DH. I can’t take responsibility for feeding him, but also he can’t exist on Bread. He was just so used to to MIL making all his food. I’ve tried suggesting buying chicken breasts and pre prepared veg, making simple pasta meals but it all falls on deaf ears.
Does anyone have any experience or suggestions please, or do I just leave him to it?

It is very early days: do you think that at the moment, overall, he's getting enough of a reasonably balanced diet? If so then I would say don't try to change anything, just give him a nice hot dinner whenever you can and make sure his fridge has enough for him to pick from.

I would imagine right now his refusal to learn to cook might also be a way of denying his wife has really gone: that is what she used to do, he might feel doing it himself somehow disrespects that. Maybe in time things will ease, he will show more interest in heating up leftovers or making simple food.

Have you tried sitting him down and talking to him? Explaining how worried you are? How concerning his imposed restrictions on his diet are. Say how troubling it is that he would rather let food go out of date than microwave it. Is it the instructions being too small that is the problem?
Ask him why he doesn't entertain warming options like soup which can be microwaved or heated on the hob. Then ask what you can do to help. Does he need easier instructions? Does he prefer different foods? It's so heartbreaking when he isn't interested when you take him food shopping so you don't know where to start for him.

Put the ball in his court. Empower him. Leave him to think about it?

I have an elderly friend who's lost loads of weight, as he's just living on Tesco sandwiches. He's got full capacity and is very stubborn. I've been in touch with his son, who lives a long way away, to tell him I'm concerned about the level of self neglect. But apart from that there is nothing else I can do.

www.wiltshirefarmfoods.com

I don't know why poor FriendsofMIne got snapped at. Her suggestion of Wiltshire Farm Foods was very sensible. Exactly what your FIL needs.

I would second the Wiltshire Farm Foods suggestion. They can almost all be microwaved from frozen and are actually quite nice. My DF who is 92 lives off them.

If he's not going through the defrosting and reheating rigmarole and ignoring chilled ready meals, then making sure he has some tins in the cupboard might encourage him to add more to his diet.

DH's nan had Wiltshire Farm Foods when she could no longer cope with cooking for herself and they were very nice.

Problem with OP's FIL is that he doesn't seem able to cope with defrosting or reheating at the moment, so they wouldn't work currently.

OP do you think he goes out all the time because he can't cope being on his own rather than he is actually enjoying going out?

It's a really hard time for all of you.
To be honest, I'd back off a bit and certainly don't tell him he's worrying you.
Is he losing weight? If not, leave him to eat sandwiches right now. He's getting out, eating well with you and the odd lunch out with friends. This is fine.

We can’t get meals on wheels where I live: social services recommended Wiltshire Farm Foods.

I would also try to lower your expectations. He can live quite well on mostly sandwiches! Maybe vary it a bit with quiche, soup and other ready to eat stuff.

Wiltshire Farm Foods is also a good suggestion. A couple of cafe or lunch club cooked meals, a couple of hot dinners (and leftovers) with you and a couple of ready meals a week are fine if he's eating sandwiches the rest of the time.

When making meals do have leftovers you could make for him that he could freeze and defrost at a later date? Does he have other relatives besides you who can offer some support? If so could you batch cook meals between you? Not ideal obviously but it's an idea to make sure that he eats nutritional meals?

It's early days for him. Let him do the things he feels confident with i.e. sandwiches, make sure there's things like pickle, cold meat, tomatoes, that can perk it up. If he misses hot food, maybe he would use a sandwich toaster?
Teach him to make an omelette, when he's ready.

The Cook meals look great (although I’ve not tried them myself- yet), do you think he’d try those? They are quite pricey, but even if he just had a couple a week?

It’s sad that he obviously misses hot meals, but at the minute I’d focus on nutrition more than hot meals. It is perfectly possible to have a healthy diet from cold food, it’s just not very exciting. Do you think he’s eating a balanced diet?

He has lost a bit of weight, and he was probably a little underweight to start with. It’s the lack of nutrients, calories and variety of food that’s troubling us. He’s eating mainly sandwiches or toast, except the two days he comes to us for dinner. The clubs he goes to have tea & biscuits - so that’s some extra calories I guess.
There’s no other close local relatives, his daughter (my SIL) lives abroad, and he’d probably say he was fine anyway. He’s always done cleaning and is ok doing washing so I’ve no concerns about that, the house is cleaner & tidier than mine!
I’ll see how he gets on with the food we got over the weekend, I’d be happier if he would have a boiled egg with his toast, but I fear he’s got no interest in doing it.

OP do you think he goes out all the time because he can't cope being on his own rather than he is actually enjoying going out?

No, he’s always been very social and done a variety of things local to him. He’s still able to get out and about and relatively fit for his age.

DM had been the chief cook and bottlewasher all her life yet went through this after DF died. It took time and encouragement to get her to start shopping, cooking and eating again. Until then I batch cooked and took her food she could just warm up. It will be very hard for your FIL and he will need a lot of support
Aunt used Wiltshire Farm Foods as she had health issues and was unable to cook but her carers could microwave these easily.
SIL's DF had never cooked but learned basics like omelettes, cheese on toast, etc which he used alongside food she batch cooked and M&S ready meals

When DM had to go into hospital, DF who couldn't really cook used to fire up the BBQ even if it was winter!

Tinned sardines/baked beans/cheese/peanut butter on the toast?

It's lovely that he has you looking out for him.
I'd concentrate on trying to up his calorie intake, even if it seems a bit lacking in nutrition right now.
My MIL is in a care home and they seem to offer a steady stream of snacks and cakes in between meals. I think little and often is ideal as it helps keep the appetite going.

It's still very early days. I'd look at something like a delivery service from cook or Wiltshire farm foods to get through this stage if finances allow. It's very difficult.

Wiltshire Farm Foods were good when dm did not fancy cooking. However she is living proof that you can exist on a diet rich in white bread, porridge, chicken/fish and potatoes if he has a microwave would he do jacket potatoes, with cheese, beans, coleslaw, tuna etc or soup?

Op it's great that he's so social. It makes a huge difference.

As @ScribblingMilly said, vitamins etc don’t count for much at his age. He just needs calories and if he gets them from just bread or biscuits it doesn’t matter too much . Don’t put so much pressure on him ( or you)

First of all, you sound absolutely lovely and so kind. I have a lot of experience in elderly care and I have to say that you are worrying unnecessarily. In his position, recently bereaved and aged 80, he will have very little appetite. Yes, he would regain his appetite if you cooked every meal for him, but that is impractical.

In our local Wetherspoons, lots of elderly people are eating alone and that might be something you could get him to try. Perhaps going along once a week with his social group. Eating sandwiches though will not do him any harm. Perhaps you can supplement it with Soups in plastic containers from the supermarket. Also some tinned fruit might be nice for him.

I'd be encouraging him to go out for meals more often. I had some success in persuading my dad out for a hot meal once a week - there was a pub which did cheap lunches, and the local Morrisons did very nice scrambled eggs on toast. I also made sure he had a steady stream of home-made cakes on the grounds that at least they had eggs in.

We did get advice from a dietician, and she advised not to worry about the eating guidelines appropriate to a younger person, to go back to full-fat milk, and butter instead of margarine. Appetite is less, so food has to be more calorie-dense.

At the moment it's about making sure he has plenty of food that he will want to eat, and given that he is elderly and emotionally at a low ebb, this is likely to be sweet rather than savoury. So lots of cakes, and try also those little pudding pots - fruit and custard, or rice pudding with difference flavourings. Also tins of fruit that can be eaten cold, and tinned custard. Anything that can be opened and eaten without having to go near a microwave or pan.