Worried and can't cope with severely depressed mother

[stopthecatbarking]

Please give me your wise words, I can't cope with this.

My mother is severely depressed and anxious, she has suffered from depression before but following my DF's death 2 years ago it has got worse and worse. She's on the phone literally hours every day to anyone about how awful her life is, it's all mine and my brother's fault (context - she's in Scotland and we're both 4 hours away in the North West) and she phones me sometimes as well - it's 4 times this week.

She literally screams and wails on the phone for hours and I cannot cope with this, it really upsets me and there is nothing I can do to calm her down, i am really frightened too that she is going to take her own life as she has threatened a lot to do this. We have never got on well and I can't comfort her no matter how hard I try I always get it wrong. It's therefore my fault or my brother's fault because he was rude to her on the phone, the doctors are useless and won't do anything, I've not phoned or visited enough etc.

She refuses to take anti-depressants but she complains of stomach pain which she thinks is causing her unhappiness, doctors and I think it's anxiety. She won't socialise because of pain, she won't watch TV to distract herself because she "doesn't want to", she has alienated a lot of friends as she expects too much of them and places a heavy emotional load on them with the crying. One has phoned me and asked me to have a gentle word as they can't take this for an hour each night.

I've just yelled at her on the phone now to get bloody help and she started screaming then hung up, now I feel dreadfully guilty, her phone is now engaged - hopefully she's on the phone to Samaritans again - but I don't know what to do. I'm constantly on edge waiting for the next crisis, I'm shaky and my heart beats fast, my hair is falling out and this is affecting me as well as her.

If anyone can share any advice I would really welcome it, I am at my wits end myself and so frightened for her.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Have a look at the site Out of the FOG online, it might help you. It's not your fault, you aren't responsible for her feelings and actions

Oh, OP, sounds awful.

It’s really hard, but if she has capacity and refuses help or to take medication then there’s nothing you can do. Tell her this and then step back. Maybe seek counselling for yourself to help you. Block her number and unblock when you call her. Make a referral to Social Services, though they will have the same problem if she has capacity.

She’s an adult. It’s horrible, but it’s her right to choose to behave like this. But it’s your right to live your life in peace. You can’t save her no matter how much you’d like to. 💐

I would block her completely, if you don't she will ruin your health and then climb over your withered failing body to get to the next victim
She sounds like a florrid narcissist

Hello... It is draining. My mum was like this and I used to get so wound up. I ended up feeling guilty, stressed and resentful. I hated been with her and had never had a good relationship with her. She would not take tablets, it was all poor me all the time.

I eventually sat with her and told her how I felt. She cried, wailed and felt sorry for herself. I told her I could not take anymore and if she could not help herself then no one would. I kept my distance and every time she moaned I kept saying what do you want me to do. You won't take anti depressants, won't have counselling, won't accept support. This is not fair on me. I can help you if you help yourself a little.

Eventually, it clicked. She had no one who would listen anymore and went on anti depressants. Still not great but it is manageable.

It is so hard having a parent like this. I envy those who have close relationship s with their mothers!

Why won't she take tablets?
I'll tell you why... she doesn't want to get better she wants to use her illness to manipulate and abuse YOU madampewter

Sympathy, my issues with my DPs aren't as bad as this, I've mostly had to cope with physical frailties, but it's exhausting.

I echo other people, it's not for you to pick up the pieces because she won't take action. I had this with my DF, in the end I had to say that I wouldn't be able to keep checking up on him every time he accidently pressed the button on his phone that rang me. If he refused to get a lifeline, which he did, the possible consequence was that he falls and I don't answer a call immediately because of constant false alarms and he bleeds to death on the floor but that this was a consequence of his decision not mine. It felt harsh saying it but I couldn't carry on dropping work or whatever else I was doing to establish whether there was a real emergency or not. When he did have his final fall he didn't even have his phone with him anyway, luckily I was going round and found him.

Anyway, it is perfectly reasonable for you to set your boundaries and just speak to your mother on your terms. It's grim though. Every day I feel guilty now about my own DM's health, isolation and grief from losing my dad, but if I don't set my own boundaries I'm going to crack.

this is the problem, you can see that this person is drowning but you know that if you jump in to save them all that will happen is that you both drown

When she's not in one of her depressive phases I enjoy being around her and I love her. I don't want to cut her off, I have no other family. I pity her, she is lonely and lost, and lacks the social and mental resources to cope with even tiny things like her dog not eating all its food one day. She is very intelligent but has poor social skills and understanding of how she affects others, she fixates on things and may be autistic, I don't know.

I've spoken to social services and her GP and there is nothing they can do as she has capacity. I read a lot on here about older people who are resistant to accepting help or taking anti-depressants and was wondering if anyone had managed to get someone like this to accept help and how?

I don't think she intends to manipulate people, because she offloads onto anyone who'll listen even when she knows they can't do anything for her. She just wants someone to talk to now dad isn't there to hear her.

She doesn't think that hearing someone being upset affects the listener, she doesn't have much emotional intelligence if that is a thing.

I've spoken to social services and her GP and there is nothing they can do

If she's suicidal could they not refer her to the mental health team? I guess they mean she needs to engage with support and take her meds.

I think they need to get to the stage of accepting support themselves and we can't make them.

However you can protect yourself from being they sole source of support so they can then maybe get it somewhere else...

It’s harsh but I wouldn’t answer the phone. I would let the answerphone kick in and only call her when I felt i could.
She’s an adult and should take responsibility for her own MH. You can’t fix this. You can’t cure her. She’s BU to take out how she’s feeling on you. If she gets professional help then you can support her. But you can’t cure this.
(I suffer with anxiety and depression BTW!)

You letting her scream and wail down the phone is not helping her and is damaging you. It is her way of self-soothing and it is bad. You will be doing both you and her a massive favour by hanging up as soon as she starts behaving badly. Tell her "Mum, this does not help. I am going now. Bye." Then hang up.

She will likely get worse before better. If you and your brother stop enabling this poor habit of hers then she will suffer but then have to try something else, most likely some of the professional support available to her. She has to own it though, which is why you and brother have to just stop engaging and not offer advice. She's intelligent, she has to decide to want to get help. You being on tap is helping her avoid making that choice.

My mum was exactly like this. She died of bowel cancer last March and honestly the relief has been immense. Sounds awful but I realise actually her behaviour towards me my whole life was so abusive and she was a total narcissist. It sounds awful but if you can cut contact you’ll feel so much better. She’s abusing you. My mum was my only family too- I have no other relatives at all so I know it’s hard but seriously this isn’t good for your health. You’re not responsible for her happiness.

She's very clever and yet she seems to not understand anything at all, really??
I think she has manipulated you into thinking that about her

You don't necessarily have to cut off contact to set boundaries.

Yes. Choose your contact by blocking unless you want to speak to her. By email or message would be ideal and much easier to control.

You can’t fix someone like this ime.

Thank you all for your replies. I will ask her not to phone when hysterical and will only engage with "light" topics like the dog or her friends new diets. She needs more positive social contact and to self-soothe.

Rayn this sounds very, very familiar and I might try your approach. She won't acknowledge her mental health problems. Part stigma, part the warped perception of reality from depression and inability to make rational choices (I experienced this after a MC although thankfully it was hormonal so relatively brief). I agree that she must help herself but I'm so afraid that in this downward spiral she'll take her life as the "escape" route.

You need to step back for your own mental health. Remember this We have never got on well and I can't comfort her no matter how hard I try - ie you are not the right person to help her. And therefore there is no guilt from stepping back and not helping her.

I agree with taking control of the phone calls - let it go to answerphone, ring her back when you feel able if she wants a chat, feel free to not phone back at all if she only wants to wail.

You ask "if anyone had managed to get someone like this to accept help and how?" - I think the answer is, most people have had to let it go to a sufficient crisis that the person themselves knows they need help.

OP I typed a full reply but the computer ate it

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.

Put on your own lifejacket first and all that. This is too great a burden for you so it's good you have a plan to manage it that you feel comfortable with.

Antidepressants aren't magic, they don't have beneficial effects for plenty of people. For others the side effects they cause mean any beneficial effect is not worthwhile. Depression is more complex than a "chemical imbalance" and even when the drugs we use as antidepressants succeed we don't entirely understand why. Being medicated wouldn't bring her husband back, wouldn't give her meaning or purpose, wouldn't reduce her frailty, wouldn't change the fact her own mortality is staring her down.

Were her physical symptoms actually properly investigated before they were written off as anxiety? Being in physical pain affects mood and not being listened to about what you are experiencing in your own body is pretty distressing.

Sometimes all the "helping oneself" in the world is not enough to reduce crippling levels of pain to a tolerable level - we wouldn't blame someone suffering excruciating physical pain for being unable to endure or eliminate it through willpower, selfcare and personal responsibility alone, so I don't see why it is socially acceptable to position blame and scorn on people who cannot endure intolerable mental pain.

It is possible to do everything available to help oneself and still be left with agonising, unbearable levels of pain.

Would anyone tell a post-surgery patient whose pain relief was ineffective that they just need to learn to self soothe? How ridiculous. If her pain levels were mild enough for self soothing to be adequate I'm sure she would be. Leaping to call her abusive and manipulative is just plain nasty.

Great post user. I remember reading that emotional pain is felt in the same part of the brain as physical pain. The heath and social care system in this country is completely inadequate in supporting people and even understanding what's going on, putting so much pressure on carers with little back up. I wish there was more understanding and a much more holistic response as you've described.

But none of that, miserable as it may be, means that an adult should abdicate all responsibility for their own health and welfare and dump it all in their children whilst refusing any of the preferred help.

“ The heath and social care system in this country is completely inadequate in supporting people and even understanding what's going on, putting so much pressure on carers with little back up.”

But the OP mum is refusing help!

It's still inadequate, from my own experience as a carer and from speaking to women I work with with mental and emotional health conditions. Many professionals seem woefully unprepared to deal with emotional distress or to understand it is often a somatic experience rather than something someone can think their way out of. I do think if professionals were more understanding / had more time to spend / had appropriate places to refer people to then maybe so many of us wouldn't have had such bad experiences that we give up trying to get help.