Worried and can't cope with severely depressed mother

[stopthecatbarking]

Please give me your wise words, I can't cope with this.

My mother is severely depressed and anxious, she has suffered from depression before but following my DF's death 2 years ago it has got worse and worse. She's on the phone literally hours every day to anyone about how awful her life is, it's all mine and my brother's fault (context - she's in Scotland and we're both 4 hours away in the North West) and she phones me sometimes as well - it's 4 times this week.

She literally screams and wails on the phone for hours and I cannot cope with this, it really upsets me and there is nothing I can do to calm her down, i am really frightened too that she is going to take her own life as she has threatened a lot to do this. We have never got on well and I can't comfort her no matter how hard I try I always get it wrong. It's therefore my fault or my brother's fault because he was rude to her on the phone, the doctors are useless and won't do anything, I've not phoned or visited enough etc.

She refuses to take anti-depressants but she complains of stomach pain which she thinks is causing her unhappiness, doctors and I think it's anxiety. She won't socialise because of pain, she won't watch TV to distract herself because she "doesn't want to", she has alienated a lot of friends as she expects too much of them and places a heavy emotional load on them with the crying. One has phoned me and asked me to have a gentle word as they can't take this for an hour each night.

I've just yelled at her on the phone now to get bloody help and she started screaming then hung up, now I feel dreadfully guilty, her phone is now engaged - hopefully she's on the phone to Samaritans again - but I don't know what to do. I'm constantly on edge waiting for the next crisis, I'm shaky and my heart beats fast, my hair is falling out and this is affecting me as well as her.

If anyone can share any advice I would really welcome it, I am at my wits end myself and so frightened for her.

Tabby, I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety for years. I think the system is doing the best it can but of course I’m aware others feel differently. I won’t go into it as I don’t want to derail the thread.

OP I hope your mum recovers as much as possible. One of the things in my post that got swallowed was the condition my mum was in after widowhood. How old is she btw?

You might finding joining our regular chat is helpful?

User thank you for your different perspective, you make many very valid points. So far no cause has been found but she keeps on at the doctors which is great. There is a really good one who listens and referred her to the specialist. Social services won't do anything until she's made a suicide attempt, what use is that?

Anti-depressants aren't a magic solution but they have worked well for her in the past when physical pain was affecting her badly emotionally (not the same problem). I'm clutching at straws but I wish she'd try them again to help her to cope just a bit better. But she also refuses help with things that she cries about like messy paperwork and house repairs, the time before last I visited I took tools and some folders for the paperwork but she wouldn't let me do anything. She was crying because there was too much garden rubbish to fit in the bin but wouldn't even let me take it to dump - I can understand her scepticism about my DIY skills but even I can't get a trip to the dump wrong surely?

She isn't abusive or manipulative, she's lost. I want to help her, it's awful to see someone you love suffering and to fear for their life.

autumnrose she's only 70. Is the group chat the cockroach one? I do lurk on there but didn't want to de-rail it. I would like to hear about others experiences but I feel like I've got nothing to complain about, there's people there who visit parents several times a day and are proper carers, I don't even live in the same country as mother. I really respect other people for what they go through and I think I need to just buck up!

It sounds to me as if she’d benefit from anti deps

My mum refused them as well but she’s not as unwell

Don’t worry about derailing the other thread. You are going through an awful lot. I’ve just said in there, I’ve left my 81 year old mum to do something she finds stressful because I can’t travel 2 hours each way to keep helping. She could live to 100!

Your mum is probably crying because of the change, even in paperwork. Is it stuff you can leave or do you think there are unpaid bills?

Even then, she might need to hit crisis before she seeks help.

Nothing to complain about! Yes, you have something to complain about. Your pain is real. Your pain is worthy of relief. There's always someone worse off than you. There's always someone better off than you. Go get the support, you are worthy.

I can understand her scepticism about my DIY skills but even I can't get a trip to the dump wrong surely?, No, but if you can get it right, you can exacerbate her feelings of inadequacy. If someone is in a mental mess because a problem is too big for them, it doesn't always help them to demonstrate the problem is in fact trivial.

Mere spot on!

OP I have had to smile nicely at mum while solving problems and then she feels like an idiot....I just say breezily "oh well, it's easier to deal with for me" - for all sorts of reasons, age, etc.

the reason I asked your mother's age is that I think it reflects on how they feel they "should" be doing. My mother was paralysed by grief for a long time, but recently I am realising that she can't do stuff because dad did everything for her (they met at college).

so I'd agree with Mere, she doesn't think you're going to do it wrong, but she's anxious generally, terrified of change etc and embarrassed that her huge problems are easy for someone to fix.

That's not to minimise your feelings. I am only 16 months into this with a mum who is basically decent and very kind - and still helping her friends and neighbours with stuff too - and it's STILL driving me up the wall. So I'm totally sympathetic.

Yes, the group chat is the Cockroach Cafe - it's to drop in and get support , and chat to others about the problems of the elderly. If you have a specific problem you want advice on, probably best to start a new thread about it. But for a general wail about the difficulty of coping, or small problems that don't warrant their own thread, or just feeling you're in the company of people who understand what you're going through, the Cockroach Cafe is great.

I had this with dm when my father died. Not only had she lost a husband, but someone who had done everything. And I mean everything. I didn't realise how much until he was gone. Dm had never had a bank account, written a cheque, even been in a bank. She didn't drive, had never paid a bill, never engaged a workman... the list goes on forever.

Anyway, she only had one topic of conversation - how miserable her life was. She couldn't be talked round, nothing would solve her problems... it even got to the point where she was crying that she wishes it had been me who had died and not df. I know she was in a state of madness but still... And she refused any suggestion of seeing a doctor or speaking with a bereavement service.

To cut a miserable story short, she died seven years later. I know it's awful but everyone said it was a merciful relief for her. Her mental pain was just as dreadful as her illness.

" even got to the point where she was crying that she wishes it had been me who had died and not df."

my jaw hit the floor at that. you poor thing. How did you cope?

she wishes it had been me who had died
I think I would have to walk away if a parent said that to me😳
they deserve help and compassion for their grief and trauma but from an objective professional not the adult child
Of course they always refuse professional help don't they, much more satisfying to console themselves by torturing their own children🙄

I was only in my 20s then so it was pretty difficult to cope with. Actually it's only with hindsight and the fact that now I'm older and wiser that I see that dm had massive problems all along, only exposed when df died.

Irma I'm 44 and wouldn't be able to cope with that.

to you.

My mother is the opposite of many others described here as she's always done most household stuff. Dad would do things wrong (see a pattern here?) or forget eg they were driving around uninsured for ages! So she'd do it instead so it was done "properly". She's said it's no different now because nothing is new. You might be right about the trivial thing but she also has quite fixed ideas about "right" and "wrong" ways to do things probably as she's done things herself for so long so doesn't trust others to do it "right"

Gosh Irma that's awful! You poor thing!

OP would you consider going no contact?

I don't think anyone here is minimising the extent of the mother's distress or need for help however the issue is she is leaning on the daughter as her sole outlet / vent rather than taking other support...this can also develop into enabling that pattern to continue (so she doesn't have to seek other support) which is unhealthy in the long term...

Sometimes it can actually be helpful to both to try and change that pattern as may cause her to seek other support (as seen, has not taken other support mentioned) and also give the daughter a break.

autumnrose I'd never go NC. I might as well drive her to Beachy Head and give her a springboard. It would be cruel to cut off someone who is suicidal and in pain and who needs help. It would also put all the responsibility on my brother and that would be unfair on him and his wife.

Orangeblossom, yes I would like to change the pattern and find more effective and sustainable support as I think what she's doing now is not helping her.

" even got to the point where she was crying that she wishes it had been me who had died and not df."

my jaw hit the floor at that. you poor thing. How did you cope?

I read it as the mother talking, therefore the "me" was the mother herself, not the poster.

Of course they always refuse professional help don't they, much more satisfying to console themselves by torturing their own children I think that's a bit harsh. Your children are people who have your interests at heart, and they're people you know and can relax with. I think it's understandable to turn to your children and not want professional help, even if you hope that in a similar situation you would be altruistic and not place the burden on your own kids.

I read it as the mother talking, therefore the "me" was the mother herself, not the poster. Ah, just seen the update, looks like I was wrong.

Oh, no - it was me! I had just returned from work, and she ran out and said, "When I heard the car in the drive I thought it was Daddy!" and then she broke down and was crying that she wished it was me who had died rather than df.

I think it was at that point that I really started to pull back. I had moved back home when df fell ill, and I moved out again a couple of months later as it was sheer torture dealing with someone's endless misery. At the time and for years afterward I felt awful for not being sympathetic enough, but I had hour upon hour of offloaded grief and complaining (which still continued for seven years).

I think that's a bit harsh
I know, and I apologize for causing offense, it is a harsh thing to say ...very harsh, but I still see older people who are happy to make no proper provision for their later years, preferring instead to selfishly fall upon their adult children with no care for how much distress this causes their offspring.

But what is "proper provision"? In many of the discussions I see on here, "proper provision" appears to mean moving into a flat for the elderly long before you can' cope. I'm of an age where mumsnetters might expect me to do the same, but for the first time in my life I have time to do the things I enjoy, and I am not ready to abandon my garden and sit in a retirement flat waiting to die. But I hope I will be able to buy in help when I need it, not lean on my children.

Is it really "no care" for the stress on their offspring, or is it no understanding?

IrmaFayLear That is horrible! - the sort of thing that should never cross your lips even if you think it.

I think there sometimes comes a time when you can see the person is in distress, but nothing you do is helping them, and so there's no point in continue to cause harm to yourself, because you're simply wasting effort for no result. It would be different if you could see she was recovering as a result of your being there - but even there, you have to consider the net benefit - if she recovers but destroys you in the process, there is no net benefit.

@UYScuti I completely agree with you and can’t understand it as I would hate to upset my dcs so.

Both my parents did/do this to me and I have vowed I will never be like that.i have now backed off for my own sanity and that of my dcs. I couldn’t deal with the constant litany of disaster but total unwillingness to accept help. And by help I don’t mean packing off to a home