Worried and can't cope with severely depressed mother

[stopthecatbarking]

Please give me your wise words, I can't cope with this.

My mother is severely depressed and anxious, she has suffered from depression before but following my DF's death 2 years ago it has got worse and worse. She's on the phone literally hours every day to anyone about how awful her life is, it's all mine and my brother's fault (context - she's in Scotland and we're both 4 hours away in the North West) and she phones me sometimes as well - it's 4 times this week.

She literally screams and wails on the phone for hours and I cannot cope with this, it really upsets me and there is nothing I can do to calm her down, i am really frightened too that she is going to take her own life as she has threatened a lot to do this. We have never got on well and I can't comfort her no matter how hard I try I always get it wrong. It's therefore my fault or my brother's fault because he was rude to her on the phone, the doctors are useless and won't do anything, I've not phoned or visited enough etc.

She refuses to take anti-depressants but she complains of stomach pain which she thinks is causing her unhappiness, doctors and I think it's anxiety. She won't socialise because of pain, she won't watch TV to distract herself because she "doesn't want to", she has alienated a lot of friends as she expects too much of them and places a heavy emotional load on them with the crying. One has phoned me and asked me to have a gentle word as they can't take this for an hour each night.

I've just yelled at her on the phone now to get bloody help and she started screaming then hung up, now I feel dreadfully guilty, her phone is now engaged - hopefully she's on the phone to Samaritans again - but I don't know what to do. I'm constantly on edge waiting for the next crisis, I'm shaky and my heart beats fast, my hair is falling out and this is affecting me as well as her.

If anyone can share any advice I would really welcome it, I am at my wits end myself and so frightened for her.

Meredint I acknowledge the point you're making, my feelings about this subject are of coarse heavily coloured by my feelings about my own parents and for various reasons I'm not willing to take any kind of a hit on their account.
Is it really no care or is it no understanding I don't know but my own impression is that people become increasingly blinkered and focused on their own needs, they become weird tricksy and manipulative, even if it is no understanding why should I become a slave to 2 elderly people for possibly 20 years or more?

This is sooo hard to manage. It's easy to say "block her altogether" and if she wasnt your mum that would surely be the best course of action.

Depressed she may be, but she is an arch manipulator who will bring you down to. First things, look after yourself as it's highly likely nothing you can do will make a difference. Are there any groups you can access or things like Age UK. Would she come to a gentle exercise class or go out to lunch once a week? Can you talk to her GP and discuss how things are ... (s)he cant tell you anything but you can share what's happening. Is she capable of having a pet dog?

I wou;d have a good look at 'boundaries' on the Out of the FOG site also 'medium chill' might be of some help...for example times she can call and other times when she can't perhaps...

Some ideas here, also the forum is helpful.outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1

outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1

I’m shocked she is only 70, I was thinking very elderly perhaps with early dementia!
Her behaviour IS manipulative and selfish, she doesn’t care how cruel and nasty she is to you and your DB. I’d take a huge step back and also be very blunt that she needs to help herself, can you face another 20 years of this?

I don't know but my own impression is that people become increasingly blinkered and focused on their own needs, I think that may be true. Certainly with depression you lose all energy to cope with anyone else's feelings but your own, even to the extent of noticing that anyone else does have feelings. And even if all you have is a bad cold, you are not as open as you are normally to other people's needs.

I think you can recognise someone's behaviour is manipulative and selfish without condemning them as a person - they're doing what they need to at the time and their awareness of other people disappears. It takes a lot less of your own emotional energy if you think of it as them being concerned about themselves rather than them setting out to be cruel to you. That said, it is then up to you to set the boundaries, and say "I'll do so much and no more". Or even "I can do no more, I'm walking away".

hepsibar she's in pain so even gentle things would be too much. That said she's fine with the dog and looks after it really well, it's one of those yappy little things that only wants to waddle around the garden for 10 minutes. It's a lot easier to step back when you have no love for the person - my brother's wife certainly keeps her distance. I suppose it's about finding a balance and trying to encourage her to help herself.

It’s not easy to step back but you can either do that or put up with the constant demands.

Sorry to jump in, but have you thought about contacting the red cross for a friend volunteer? Perhaps a weekly visit could help her mental state and lonelyness a little.

OP, I'd recommend speaking with a counsellor or psychologist about this. They might help help you work out how you sea with this.

Well bugger me

I've just spoken to her and after flipping my lid at her on Saturday she's decided to see a counsellor as she says she can't go on like this!

birdsong, rays of sun, heavenly angels etc

Congratulations on the progress OP . Atleast now you know how to make her take charge of herself (a little).

Sounds promising. Fingers crossed for you and her. I know she is a pain in the butt but it can’t be fun being her 🙁

Oh good, maybe could also give her number of a call line like samaritans for her to ring instead of always calling you. there is an age uk thing where they make daily calls also might be of use perhaps, not sure.