Advice on how to survive this please

[howareyoumeanttochoose]

First post so apologies in advance if I get this all wrong. I need some help and I’m really struggling. I’ll try and keep it brief. I am an only child, my parents have never had a ‘good’ relationship but have been married over 50 years. My whole life I have been in the middle of their conflicts and have always tried to diffuse arguments and calm them down.

Last year my father was taken into hospital where they discovered cancer. Due to many complications he spent 9 weeks there including time in ICU. He then developed delirium which was horrific as he often didn’t recognise us, could be abusive, said the most awful things. Eventually he was discharged and came home.

He is now on palliative care at home. My mum is really struggling with his care and struggling to manage his very variable moods. They are together 24/7 and both are finding this difficult. He is mostly lucid but has periods of confusion bought on by infections and the vast array of medication he is taking. Their arguments are getting worse particularly as Mum cannot help but correct him and often reminds him of mistakes he’s made when confused. It is then up to me to intervene and calm them both down.

On top of this I have 4 children of my own. The youngest has only just turned 2 and obviously still needs a lot of time and attention. My poor DC are suffering too as nothing can be planned as we never know when the phone will ring and I will have to disappear to try and sort things out. We haven’t been further than 30 minutes away from home for a year in case we are called back. They are also finding it very hard to see Grandad so poorly as he was always very involved in their lives, I am obviously also finding the thought of losing him heartbreaking and to be honest I miss my dad - this version is like having 60% of him still here. My husband is amazing and very supportive (though he gets intensely frustrated with my parents and their disfunctional relationship) and he is trying desperately to pick up the slack with the children as well as juggling work.

I am totally broken both emotionally and physically. Trying to care for my children who I love beyond words and suffer through this awful time with my parents has destroyed me. I fantasise about killing myself constantly and if it weren’t for my children I would have done it a long time ago. The GP has prescribed me with antidepressants but I can’t face taking them as the thought feeling worse for a couple of weeks before the kick in and I am also still feeding my youngest and would worry about the affect they might have on him.

I’m sorry this is so long (I haven’t even included half of it!) and thank you for reading. I don’t know what I’m hoping for really...

I really feel for you op. Have you tried calling any helplines like Age UK. They might be able to help break things down for you. I often think in these situations, wherr you feel enmeshed, what would you say to a friend? Would you say, yes you must carry doing all of this, even though its breaking you and your family? Or would you say, its okay to give yourself a bit of a break? Most people in your situation would think its okay to step back and get some help in.

OMG.

So there are two very different things going on

• one is the tasks like shopping and sorting medication. In your position it would be hard to say no to these, and it sounds as if they don't stress you out that much.
• two is the adjudication in their domestic squabbles. Of course this stresses you out, and for what it's worth it's totally unreasonable and well outside what's normal. If it's driving you to suicidal thoughts that's appalling! Echo the advice to look at Out Of The Fog. Can you bring yourself to take baby steps away - answer the phone but close the conversation if it's not life or death? Not go round to adjudicate? Let the phone go to voicemail and then let your husband call back? I know it will be hard but your children and husband are your priority - please dont sacrifice yourself and them to your parents. It's not right.

Oh op this situation sounds awful. I am an only with a very difficult dad. He is not unwell but as he gets older he will become more and more difficult. I have had to take a huge step back in order to protect my mental health already.
Your parents live in a dysfunctional way - no it is so far from normal to be ringing up your child to sort out arguments, and that is very unfair on you. I think you should a) start taking the antidepressants (it will hopefully enable you to see the situation more clearly) b) speak to your mum- arrange some set times to visit every week and tell her that she can't call you unless it's necessary, you are not there to be a mediator between them. They need to access some support. This is not your responsibility alone.

I genuinely don’t know if that’s to be expected given the situation

As an only child who has had a parent die, and someone who works in palliative care, no, 10 calls a day + visits really isn't.

Some practical advice:

1. Take the anti-depressants. Have a chat with your GP about your worries about breast-feeding first - there are options that are better for breastfeeding mums.

1. Has someone had a chat with you about your Dad's prognosis so you know how long this situation may last? His GP should be able to do this but generally his palliative care nurse would be best at giving the most accurate idea. At chat with the palliative care nurse would also help you know about what to do about fluctuations and how to manage them. Tell her you need a family break - not being more than 30 mins away sounds like your mum is using you for everything instead of a care package, District nurses, Palliative Care services, the GP etc etc. You should be able to go away!

1. Consider some counselling support. There may be some available from your Dad's palliative care organisation - if so, take it up immediately. If not, and you can afford it, get some privately NOW. You need it. Again, the palliative care nurse will know what is and isn't available.

And finally lots of You are doing more than humanly possible for your mum and dad and no-one in the health service expects you to do this. Please get some support as one person cannot do the job of 20.

also the other thing I wonder is if a friend can step in?

I did with a friend's mum who refused to get a carer for the dad.

I went to my friend's mum and said "hey, you're breaking Louise (not her real name obvs) and it's not fair".

It worked. hearing it from an outsider helped.

Thank you all for listening, it really does help not to feel so alone. There are some really good suggestions on here and I’ll be making some phone calls tomorrow.

In my defence they moved to be closer to me when we had our first child. I had moved 2 hours away! A lot of this behaviour is very deeply entrenched and all I’ve ever known. I feel awful guilt that now my poor husband and children are being dragged into it all.

My dad in particular has always leant on me emotionally and I was always scared of them splitting up when I was a child so would do literally anything to keep the peace and diffuse conflict. As an adult I think they would have been much better separating but you don’t realise that as a child.

It’s always been just the three of us and my parents were older than most of my friend’s parents (they’re mid 70s now) I was always petrified of one of them dying. Despite a difficult childhood I do love my dad so much and the thought of losing him is just awful. On top of the practical pressures my emotions are just everywhere...

Could you arrange counselling for yourself. It all sounds screwed up.

What about arranging a local yoga session for yourself. An hour of peace.
And tell them in advance and that you're not allowed to take your phone.

OP, they are actually using you as a weapon against each other.

The dance of 3 in toxic family relationships is well documented. Clashing fathers and sons bring in the Mum, or warring parents use the child.

Honestly: tell them both that while you love them both individually you will not engage in conversations about their gripes with each other. It doesn’t help, overall, it really doesn’t.

Tell them that you are a parent now and have your own children’s squabbles to sort out and it is affecting your mental health listening to them day in day out.

All of this is true, so you have a right to say it.

You will be much more effective in the other help They need if you are not worn threadbare and demoralised by their dysfunctional use of emotional blackmail.

It is emotional abuse for them to use a child like this. It is the worst listening to them be horrible about the other parent, I had this too, and so inappropriate to the child (adult child even) it makes me cross as I had it also and they don;t realise how damaging it is.

As for the moving closer...I had that also they sued a family connection thing (me) to get housing in my area. And not to help me either, for support. Now they moved to my brother with the same policy.

It's really not easy, especially when there is then this expectation that children should help the elderly etc. when they haven't been parented in the past that can be very hard.

I feel for you OP

There are two things happening here, there's their need for care, and there's their need for a go-between in their arguments. I think you would find life easier if you could stop being their go-between. It's not a normal or proper role for you or indeed for anyone. So think of some excuses to get of the phone instantly ("the 2-yr old needs me" "I'm cooking dinner and have left stuff on the stove" there's a knock at the door"...) - maybe write some of them on a card near the phone as an aide-memoire. Rehearse saying "I'm sorry, I can't get involved, that's between you and mum/dad, I'll see you tomorrow, 'bye". Keep cutting them off the instant they try to involve you in an argument until they finally get the message that there's no point.

The answerphone idea is a good one - never pick up if they phone, wait till they've said something on the answerphone, then you'll know whetehr it's an emergency or not.

If you're seeing them every day, then the maximum number of phone calls they should need to make is 1, if there's something you need to bring with you that they forgot to tell you yesterday. 10 calls is ridiculous, it's triply ridiculous when you're round there for 1-2 hours a day anyway.

You're doing far more than most of us are doing, and far more than any of us, I hope, would expect of our own children.

If there is an emergency, dad will be in safe hands. So you're really worrying about will you be there during his last hours. And as lots of people have said, their experience is that relatives waited until they were on their own - my mum waited until Dad had stepped out to talk to the doctor.

Finally, there is one advantage to being an only - you don't have arguments with siblings over how to care for parents, you can take your own decisions. It makes me feel quite lucky when I look at some of the arguments that are being described on here!

Hello everyone, I don’t know if anybody is still there but you were all so helpful and kind before. I’m sorry if this becomes rambling and incoherent (like me!) We’ve had a relatively quiet couple of weeks with no major crises which has been great in a lot of ways but having some space to think has just thrown my emotions into turmoil.
I feel so desperately low. I hate seeing my dad this way and I can’t bear the though that everything is just going to get so much worse. The thought that I am going to have to watch him deteriorate and ultimately die us driving me insane. I feel such anger that this illness has taken so much of him away already and I miss ‘my dad’ so badly. Realistically I feel that I am grieving him but I’m not allowed to be as he is still here. My 9 year old was upset the other night worrying about Grandad and said that when she hears me crying it scares her. I will admit that I do get myself in a state sometimes though so try not to do it in front of the children I’m clearly not hiding it as well as I thought. Now I feel like I can’t let any of this pressure out as it will upset them and I feel like I’m going to burst. Mornings are so hard, I wake up feeling like I’m trapped under concrete, everything is so dark and heavy and I feel so trapped. I’ve even tried to stop myself falling asleep as I can’t stand the feeling of waking up!

I’m struggling with the children, who are just behaving like children but I’m so strung out I find myself totally losing it with any bickering or accidents which I know is totally unfair on them. They are missing out on so much, even though we’re trying so hard to keep everything normal for them I know that they can tell that my mind is always elsewhere. I’m managing to juggle all the logistics of 4 children at the moment but I feel like it’s just a matter of time before everything comes crashing down. The weight of all this guilt and pressure is crushing me.

I know it was helpful to vent and you received loads of good advice but this is showing you that your body and mind aren't coping with your situation. Your dad can't change, you can change the way you deal with the requests, counselling and antidepressants.
Sorry it's not a huggy post but you've had those. Good luck

Oh how I am so sorry you are going through this. Can I suggest you go to the gp and ask for some meds to help you through all this? And consider counselling? Somewhere youcan let all this out?
This might be a marathon, maybe a sprint, but you need to get something in the tank for everyone’s sake.
Or Macmillan?
🌺🌺🌺🌺

Hi op, unfortunately I’m in a very similar position to you, my mum passed away recently from cancer and my dad also has terminal cancer.
My dad often has stages of delirium brought on by infections, each time he recovers he is slightly less of himself.
Although I have siblings I have been left with the majority of dads care and agree that it can be absolutely taxing.
It is definitely important to take time out for yourself, even if that’s only an hour, but (and this opposes other posters opinions) because of the nature of cancer and being the only person who can look after your parents, I think you just need to keep going the best you can, I know I’m not in a position to turn off my phone because you never know when disaster might strike and I think you might be similar.
I have started taking anti depressants and seeing a physiologist, unfortunately in both our positions things are only getting worse and any tools you can use to protect yourself are worth looking into. Good luck and I’m sorry you are in this position. Cancer is a real bitch

Thank you all, I am having some counselling but due to finances and trying to find childcare for it I’m only managing to have an appointment once a fortnight at the moment. I do find it helpful at the time but I find the positive impact on my outlook seems to fade very quickly.

This isn’t meant to be patronising but when you are as distressed and conflicted it is hard to think straight.
A little bit of structure and a reminder to yourself that you need to take care of you might help. Also some aide-memoires to take a step back are vital.
Suggest you get yourself pen, paper and a big whiteboard. Go through your whole thread again as it’s got amazing advice and write down all the suggestions you’ve received that you want to take forward on the piece of paper.
Also write down all positive sayings and new mantra you want to adopt.
Then write them as a to do list on your whiteboard and work through them with any spare time. Even if you just make one call a day it’s going in the right direction.
Factor into your list at least one quiet doing nothing period of 15 mins every day.
Having it written down and visible might help you to be kind to yourself.