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Elderly parents

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Original poster

FIL broke leg, now dying due to not eating

54 replies

Ozzie9523 · 08/01/2020 15:59

Hi there, my lovely 85 year old FIL fell and broke his leg in early December. This was the latest in many breaks/falls over the past 5 years - pelvis, hip, foot and now this. He was in hospital for nearly 4 weeks and over Xmas as they didn't have the carers available to provide help at home (my MIL is 86 and wouldn't be able to lift him etc). So he finally came home about a week ago and his deterioration is shocking. Carers are coming 4 times a day, he can barely move, is hardly drinking and hardly eating. He had a urine infection which set him back a bit but antibiotics have now kicked in. He is wasting away in front of us and I seem to be the only one who is shocked by this. He has special shakes to drink but is struggling to swallow them. My DH says he knows his dad has had enough, he's been in pain for years with a bad back/leg and this is the final straw for his poor body. My MIL also seems to be in denial, she said to me the other day that "people can live for ages without eating as long as they are drinking". Or maybe she has accepted it. I told my DH the other morning that he would probably be dead within two weeks if he doesn't start eating. He is able to talk just about and I find it heartbreaking. My FIL's mum apparently starved herself to death. FIL is now struggling to swallow and the carer mentioned this is a sign the body is shutting down. I keep thinking he should be put on a drip or taken back into hospital but apparently he gets upset if that is mentioned (they thought he had sepsis the other day and was distraught at the thought of going back in but thankfully it wasn't). I'm not sure what I'm asking but this is my first experience of losing a parent/in-law and I'm shocked that a broken leg can do this to someone x

OP posts:

FredaFrogspawn · 08/01/2020 16:02

The broken leg is just one step - hard though it is, it does sound like he is simply ready to go. I don’t think there is anything to gain by doing a load of medical intervention or tube feeding at this stage. I guess it’s about making him as comfortable as possible for this last stage.

Finfintytint · 08/01/2020 16:04

So sorry you are all going through this. My mum did this and has she had full capacity no one could make her eat. She took about 4 weeks to die from when she stopped eating. It was heartbreaking to watch.

silentlight · 08/01/2020 16:09

If he is dying then this is part of the process. Tube feeding will just make it worse for him. They stop feeling hungry, so don’t worry about that. If he was in hospital they could give him some morphine towards the end.

I’m sorry this is happening and it is distressing. We want to fix things and the thought of eating so little seems awful. But it’s just part of the process if he is dying.

CatGotTheCream · 08/01/2020 16:11

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My aunt died 18 months ago after a similar injury, she had a fall and fractured her hip and after that she just deteriorated and eventually passed away. I think a good way of looking at it is that a serious break at that age is the equivalent of a 21-year-old being hit by a bus, in terms of the strain it puts their body under. He might pick back up, sometimes people surprise us, but he's suffered a serious injury and been very unwell, this might just be his time to go.

Drabarni · 08/01/2020 16:12

Aw, so sorry for him it sounds so miserable.
Maybe your dh could take compassionate leave to go and stay with them/help out. Carers going in is fine but it's not the same as your family.
Does dh have any siblings happy to help, it does seem such a shame, it sounds like he's given up.

Equanimitas · 08/01/2020 16:17

I've surprised they sent him home with such inadequate care arrangements. However, if he doesn't want to go into hospital you can't force him. Is there any chance he might agree to a hospice, if only to give his wife a break?

Haworthia · 08/01/2020 16:20

My Nan died at 90 after initially breaking her leg. Looking back it’s strange how the injury (and being bedridden etc) caused such a fast decline, but that’s how it often is with the elderly. I also think she’d had enough and decided to stop eating. I was also relieved for her that it wasn’t a long, drawn out decline and death. I lost my Grandad to cancer and that was horrific.

Ohyesiam · 08/01/2020 16:25

Is FIL receptive to talking? Have you or your DH been able to talk to him about his food and fluid intake, and the consequences if he doesn’t eat?

He will begin to become confused a he gets progressively more dehydrated, so it’s also important for him to state his wishes if he needs medical intervention. So for example he might begin to get another infection ( his body will be very weak, so it’s highly likely), if the GP is called they will want to discuss wether to start treatment or not, and wether to re admit to hospital. It’s good if your in-laws have managed to discuss these delicate subjects before they arise, and it helps with grieving when he does die, as it has been made a bit more conscious and real.

In my experience people are willing to discuss these things, as they may have been playing on their mind, but they need someone to broach the subject, and almost give them permission to open up.

If you need help with any of this you could approach the GP/district nurses or the local vicar or you could even contact the hospital chaplain who would be experienced in these tires of conversation.
Sorry you are going through this, it’s a heart breaking difficult time.

Ohyesiam · 08/01/2020 16:26

Oh and a local hospice could help. Would you be able to take your MIL in to visit?

Booboostwo · 08/01/2020 16:29

I am sorry you are losing your FIL.

It is not the broken leg that has done this to him, it is his very advanced age. The bodies of very elderly people cannot cope with multiple medical problems. It does seem that FIL is aware of what is happening. Artificial feeding at this stage would only prolong his suffering and it is common for elderly people to chose quality rather than quantity of life.

Mlou32 · 08/01/2020 16:33

I'm so sorry to hear about your father in law. Unfortunately, for some older people, once they have an accident, break a hip or something, then that's it, it causes a decline and then it's just downhill from there. Could you maybe call the GP/district nurse for some advice?

DPotter · 08/01/2020 16:40

So sorry for you and your family
Something like 50% of elderly people who break a major bone requiring admission to hospital, never go home. A fracture is a really serious thing for an elderly person. It's not just the break itself but the general poor health of the person that causes them to fall in the first place. And isn't doesn't take long at all for a frail person to deteriorate even further, they just don't have the physical resilience.

As other posters have mentioned, if your FIL doesn't want to go back to hospital and refuses food, there is nothing you can do other than keep him comfortable. To force him to would be unkind.

stripeypillowcase · 08/01/2020 16:44

sorry to hear this.
fil was similar. cancer treatment (successful) left him with osteoporosis and a collapsed spine.
he stopped eating/drinking and died a few days later.
sadly, I think that is very common.
best wishes to you

Emelene · 08/01/2020 17:45

Is the GP involved? Could a referral to a dietician or even palliative care be warranted? All the best OP, it sounds really difficult.

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/01/2020 10:17

My mother stopped eating and was prescribed protein drinks which she hated. In retrospect I wish we hadn't spent so much time badgering her to eat and drink.

FLOrenze · 09/01/2020 10:47

My mum went into hospital at a similar stage to your FiL. She was unable to eat and lasted 6 dreadful weeks without eating. Eventually I asked for the drip to be removed and she died two days later. When my Step-Father went into hospital 6 months later I was able to discuss his situation with a lovely Doctor. He died peacefully 6 days later.

It seems like your FIL has had enough and should be allowed to die as gently as possible,

JoanieCash · 09/01/2020 10:52

Phone GP and explain you think he’s actively dying and they will be able to put in a pall care referral. One of the important things is to make an escalation plan which GP/hospice can do, so that perhaps he can die at home, but not that you’re suddenly phoning an ambulance when he deteriorated or dies etc. Sorry to be bleak, but if you can sort this quickly and now it will help with experiencing a ‘good death’ rather than fear and chaos. Wish you strength.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 09/01/2020 19:31

Sorry you can see your DFiL fade away. Its so hard.
My DF was similarly unwell and unable to eat and referred by GP to palliative care/hospice at home team. Cld you call his GP and ask if that's an option?
My DF was kitted out by them at home with a morphine/antianxiety meds pump for the last day or so which enabled him to pass very peacefully surrounded by those he loved.

Purpleartichoke · 09/01/2020 19:40

This is a hard road to walk. When my grandmother had a similar incident at the same age, her eldest daughter had her medical power of attorney because grandmother had mild dementia. Aunt chose to do absolutely everything to save her life, despite objections from other family members. The doctors and nurses saved her life, but my grandmother was gone. She lasted another 5 years. 5 years where she didn’t know who any of us were. 5 years where she was in constant distress over being in a dementia ward. 5 years where she couldn’t get out of bed without help. My aunt came to regret her decision. Now, if my grandmother had been lucky, she might have had 5 years of loving visits with family, sharing stories and photos, but after a certain age, the odds weren’t in her favor.

Junie70 · 09/01/2020 19:40

I used to work in a nursing home. Few who had breaks over the age of 80 lived for long afterwards, the body just can't recover properly.

Let him go in dignity and kindness. His body is slowly fading, and you will only delay the inevitable, and he will be the one who suffers.

I don't mean this unkindly but the only person in denial here is you.

Minky35 · 09/01/2020 20:24

My Nan decided to stop eating, she caught a bug and said that’s it I’m fed up, I’m not eating anything else. She was 93, and had simply had enough.

Abraid2 · 09/01/2020 20:27

My father stopped eating and died about two weeks later. It would have cruel to force him. He had a nutritional shake in that time but that was all. Apart from... cans of cold low-alcohol and ‘normal’ beer, one of which he drank 48 hours before he died. His GP was highly approving.

AnyFucker · 09/01/2020 20:32

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midwest · 09/01/2020 20:42

My gran died after she stopped eating. She had just had enough and fairly gently faded away. It was her choice to make, she had lived into her 80's and felt she had lived her life.

candycane222 · 09/01/2020 21:03

Hi OP.

This must be so hard for all of you. But your DFiL is really lucky that he has been able to come home from hospital. He seems very clear that he does not want to go back, and why would he? The people he loves, the familiar sights, sounds and smells, and the all-important peace and quiet, are at home, not in a hospital ward.

He is also really lucky to have family around him like you who care about him and love him.

Enjoy as much time as you can with him, tell him you love him, reminisce about happy times you have had together and ensure the GPs have set up the care he needs in order to be kept safe, clean and comfortable at home and to ensure your MiL and all of you feel supported and don't get exhausted.

Whether or not this is the end (and it may well be) he has made his wishes to be at home clear, and these wishes should be respected unless your MiL and the community team cannot keep him comfortable (which is unlikely as in my admittedly limited experience they are very good). Being back in hospital would be unkind IMO, and possibly actively harmful.

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