FIL broke leg, now dying due to not eating

[Ozzie9523]

Hi there, my lovely 85 year old FIL fell and broke his leg in early December. This was the latest in many breaks/falls over the past 5 years - pelvis, hip, foot and now this. He was in hospital for nearly 4 weeks and over Xmas as they didn't have the carers available to provide help at home (my MIL is 86 and wouldn't be able to lift him etc). So he finally came home about a week ago and his deterioration is shocking. Carers are coming 4 times a day, he can barely move, is hardly drinking and hardly eating. He had a urine infection which set him back a bit but antibiotics have now kicked in. He is wasting away in front of us and I seem to be the only one who is shocked by this. He has special shakes to drink but is struggling to swallow them. My DH says he knows his dad has had enough, he's been in pain for years with a bad back/leg and this is the final straw for his poor body. My MIL also seems to be in denial, she said to me the other day that "people can live for ages without eating as long as they are drinking". Or maybe she has accepted it. I told my DH the other morning that he would probably be dead within two weeks if he doesn't start eating. He is able to talk just about and I find it heartbreaking. My FIL's mum apparently starved herself to death. FIL is now struggling to swallow and the carer mentioned this is a sign the body is shutting down. I keep thinking he should be put on a drip or taken back into hospital but apparently he gets upset if that is mentioned (they thought he had sepsis the other day and was distraught at the thought of going back in but thankfully it wasn't). I'm not sure what I'm asking but this is my first experience of losing a parent/in-law and I'm shocked that a broken leg can do this to someone x

If he is struggling to drink, you can offer him chips of ice, or offer to wet/wipe his mouth with a kind of sponge on a stick thing - that might make him more comfortable and will help keep him hydrated and possibly a bit more lucid.

Have also experienced this. An incapacitating injury led to watching grandad just give up and fade away

OP “ He is wasting away in front of us and I seem to be the only one who is shocked by this.”

I’m sorry it’s hard on you. I can completely see that he is making the right choices for himself. As my late father said “I’d rather die on my feet than live on my knees”. The doctors seemed to hope to keep him alive for a few years, but bedridden, it wasn’t what he wanted.

Big hugs to you.

My mother and Dh’s father both stopped eating. When someone stops being able to swallow, that is part of the process of dying. Dying naturally is not the single event of the heart stopping, it is a progression over weeks, or days.
My Mum was in a care home, we didn’t want her in hospital on a drip, with nurses she didn’t know. She was very well cared for, it was quiet, and I was able to sit with her at any time. She was given morphine, and getting a care package in place for your FIl will help. You need to talk to the GP and nurses about end of life care, if he is to stay peacefully at home.
Very sorry this is happening.

It is very sad OP and hard to accept, but perhaps it is his time to go.
My lovely FIL died a couple of weeks ago. He had stopped eating and drinking. He had to have his water thickened especially as he found it hard to swallow. He hated it.
The choice to stop eating and drinking is a normal part of the dying process.
It is clear that you love him very much.

If you search ‘stages of dying’ there is information online. I found it reassuring.

Sorry OP I might be projecting

But one concern I have is that if you report to your GP, then whoever does the assessment might want to eke out his life. My father should have been admitted to a hospice about three weeks before the doctors accepted that fact. They tried to feed him via NSG. This did require mum’s agreement though. Sounds like your MIL wouldn’t agree. Luckily for dad, they couldn’t fit it, or his death would have taken even longer, poor soul.

I’m so very sorry you are going through this. It’s heartbreaking but having only just gone through something similar with my mum I would say respect his choice to be at home, get a care plan in place ( you might need this fast tracked) and try and get something written down regarding resuscitation (this is not nice but last thing you want is an ambulance turning up and trying to resuscitate) . My
Mum was on morphine ( she did have cancer though) which we administered orally. I think this helped her drift off eventually, it was fucking horrible but I’m so glad she was at home, comfortable and had all of us around.

Actually just thought
If he’s having trouble swallowing you might have an easier time getting them to agree to palliative care, dad didn’t have any trouble with a little drink from a straw.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know if this is helpful but when my mother was dying, a friend of mine who is a consultant in care of the elderly said people don't die because they have stopped eating, they stop eating because they are dying. I don't know if this is directly applicable but I found it comforting.

I was told the same thing.

Thank you everyone for your messages. He just got weaker and weaker and sadly passed away earlier today. He was put on palliative care yesterday. I still can’t believe it. He told me the other day that he had had enough. I was with him when he died 💔 So sorry some of you have also been through similar. All from a broken leg ... but his poor body just couldn’t take any more 😔

I am so sorry OP.

It is true that there is a very high incident of death within 2yrs of a hip/leg break in an elderly person. Its an awful thing to see someone refusing or unable to eat like your FIL. Had anyone ever discussed no resuscitation with him?

Thickened fluids might help him swallow, but only IF he wants to drink! Has that been discussed with the carers/dietician/Dr?

I am very sorry for your loss

Elouera you need to read the OP’s update.

Sorry for your loss op

Sympathies for your loss.
My grandfather, healthy all his life, broke his leg at 85 and died about 8 weeks later. He had a scan and we were told that there was a massive loss of brain cells. We understood that it may have been this that meant his leg broke, not that breaking the leg triggered the decline. That made sense to me in a way, not that it changed the outcome. But his time had come.

I’ve been through this a few times. I’ve come to the conclusion that the last weeks or days when the person’s body and mind are slowly shutting down are far worse for loved ones than for the person themselves.

If pain is managed, it is a natural process and in a way the body is designed for it. I think the slowness of the shutdown makes it calmer for the person going through it. More stressful for everyone else though?

Realising that it was my issue to deal with, and that I’d done all I could for the person helped me a lot. It’s scary and emotional, but you will get through it. Sad to say, you do get used to it a bit, after you go through it with multiple relatives and friends.

All the best to you and your family, as you support your MIL and grieve your dear FIL.

A break can lead to confusion.

I would purchase lots of yoghurts and soft type thick food and use a teaspoon to feed him. If he is struggling to swallow and has lost weight he may have dysphagia and needs to eat slowly and hospitals can't cope with feeding a person slowly and 20 times a day.

When FIL fell and came out of hospital to a nursing home we were told 2-3 months and he did well for about 3 years are we fed him everyday. He just needed more time to be coaxed to eat and time to swallow.

Gosh I'm so sorry for your loss. He sounds like a lovely man.

Sad though this is, sometimes it’s time to die. It’s a natural part of life that we all face. Society needs to get better at accepting death and stop trying to fight it when someone reaches their natural end. Only by doing this can we give people the very best death possible. So sorry for your loss. 💐

I'm so sorry. I hope you can be together with family. It sounds as if you all loved him - what better end than at home with the people who love you.

So sorry for your loss Ozzie and that of your spouse. Your Fil was clearly deeply loved.

So sorry to hear that Ozzie.

My mother did the same after a "minor" stroke and I've been full of questions about whether we should have done more to get her to eat. Reading this thread has been immensely reassuring, although very sad. I did feel that she actively gave up on getting better. But I had no idea how normal this was.

I hope your FIL was able to pass away peacefully. I'm sure it was reassuring for him that you were there.