Behaviour of elderly Dad

[paulfoel]

My elderly Dad is a complete nightmare anddoes a good job of annoying me a lot of the time! I shouldn't let it get to me and should be more firm with him. But I was thinking about what does wind me up and wonder whether you all think my approach is right with what I expect etc from elderly person.

1. If you can do it yourself or help yourself then do it. Don't expect others to help because you can't be bothered.

1. Help others to help you and be a little bit flexible. Don't be stubborn and want things all your own way especially when others are sorting things out to make everyones life easier.

1. Appreciate that family have other responsibilities and not just you. You don't have a right to unlimited time.

Sadly, my Dad fails badly on all three of these.....

If he can get someone to do something for him he just won't bother himself (in fact, I think he likes having someone run around for him). He is totally inflexible and won't listen to anyone its his way or not at all - in the past hes expected me to travel 2 hours to pick him up to take him to appointment rather than pay for a £10 taxi. Worse of all - he does not care about what I've got on, issues/responsibilities I have for my own family - and has said he expects to be put first.

Am I being unfair on him?

/rant over

Heres what I have to put up with from dear brother.....

It seems he goes to see Dad on a Saturday am to do shopping for him and go to the betting shop. Then Dad gets me to do more shopping for him on a Sunday. Not sure why the need for two lots of shopping (or why it has to be done weekly or why he can't have it delivered). Well OK I do its so he can blackmail me to visit him.

So get text from brother - "Can't do Dads shopping Saturday or go to betting shop for him. Can you do it instead?" Jeez - he takes the biscuit. My wife is working Saturday, so I've got our 5 year old. I might have to pop into the office for a few hours (if I can get babysitter!). And daughter has got gymnastics at 11am, party at 1pm (which I need to be back from office for). Yet I've got to do drive 20 miles to do his shopping on Saturday now it seems (I was planning to visit Sunday anyway).

My brothers commitments at the weekend. No kids, no work at weekends, partner doesn't work. Lives a mile away from Dad.

Not going to happen!!!!

And when I told him no can do the cheeky has had the nerve to say I never agree to do anything for Dad!!!!

I would be tempted to text back with a list of everything you have done for your dad in the last month.

But I would probably be better to just ignore him. You know the truth, but it's not an argument you are ever going to win.

FaithFrank - no point. He sees things from his own little world.
Like I said, if I lived a mile away, (instead of 25 miles) had no kids to worry about, a partner who didnt work, a partner who didn't have a long term illness I could drop things at a moment notice.

It defies belief sometimes how people forget these things... I've really had enough of it all.

Your brother doesn't know what you're doing on Saturday. If he can't do the Saturday "jobs" it's fair enough to ask if you can. And fair for you to say "sorry, no".

I used to be in a situation where I'd regularly get really angry about other people's actions, to the extent that on one occasion I actually reacted in a way quite unlike me. That drew me up short, and I decided in future to try to let go of my anger. It got easier and easier in time, to the extent that I genuinely didn't get that first twinge of anger.

His attitude seems to be "I always visit Dad on Saturday, I can't do it this week, so its your turn". Hes done it before - went on holiday for a week and said "I go up Dads 3 times in the week and Saturday morning so can you do this when I'm away?" Umm no.

In reality, his partner (who doesn't work) went up a few times (but she does it less now since she realised carers allowance wasn't really worth it).

I wasn't lying. Wife is in work and I've classes that my 5year old goes to. Alas, both Dad and brother seem to think (Dad has said many times) I should cancel my plans for him. Not exactly an emergency though is it?

Of course Dad doesn't help. He'll let everyone do everything for him if he can then expect a substitute to fill in. I've agreed to phone Dad on Saturday am and do his horse racing bet on betfair online. Can guarantee he wont want me to do this (its not his idea and it takes away his power if someone can do it remotely)

Bit peed off about the shopping thing. I sort of knew brother visited him on a Saturday but didnt know he did shopping too. Hmmm - so why do I get urgent "I've got no food in the house" when I try to say its awkward to visit sunday because I got called out to work since 4am? Very sly indeed.

Yes I know I shouldn't get so annoyed. Its flipping constant though. At the moment I've got more than enough of my own problems going on at the same time so can do without it.

Hi OP, I have an elderly mother who is very demanding. It's very difficult to not react to their continual demands and their winged monkeys.

The simple answer to your brother is that you can't go in Saturday and you're going on Sunday anyway. It will have to be then.

Your dad may like being taken to the betting shop every week but just like the rest of us, that's a treat not essential.

Take a deep breath. Learn to say no and not react. People can ask but you can always say no.

Like the winged monkeys..... :-)

In his head its a case of "won't you do just one thing to help me". Alas this means I cancel plans I have, let everyone else down because "they understand dont they?"

I've said no see you sunday as planned.

Well done! Time to set priorities and make sure you also have time with your daughter and partner.

If he has an real emergency, yes, drop things and help sort things out.

But if he just wants to get to a betting shop he can take a taxi.

Don't argue about it just tell him how it is. "I have a busy life and other responsibilities you are capable of doing more than you do and I will not be treated like a taxi service."

Yes I'm doing better.

It still winds me up no end (can you tell!) but now I do say no. Before I got wound up and still did it.

Yes hes got a mobility scooter too - just cannot be bothered to use it.

I've said before. I'm sure with Dad its a bit of test (which I'm failing lol) to see if I'lll jump. And I do really think he gets a bit of a warm fuzzy feeling when hes got everyone running around at his command.

(BTW in the past he has had "emergencies". Made up ones. "Chest Pain" and "Difficulty Breathing" are things hes tried on in the past. Complete fabrication. A long story that one is :-)

I seriously could not be bothered with that manipulation.....why are you putting up with it.....stop whingeing and sort it out.....you sound as bad as him

Bit of an update. Hes getting worse....

I've pushed back quite a bit and refused to do things. He didn't like that. He roped my brother onto his side so he started contacting me via facebook. We now dont speak.

Hes seems to have this idea in his head that he can do what he wants and play the "im old" card. I've worked out its a power trip for him - he wants to be the one in control, who knows whats going on all the time.

I was ill for a few days, told him I'd phone him at end of week, I couldnt speak anyway. Nope he wanted twice daily updates because "he was worried". Im 51 years old. Basically his updates was him nagging for me to phone the GP (Id been day before and got anti-biotics).

Did he listen - nope. I just was not in the mood so ignored his calls. He escalated it, I had about 50 phone calls, messages from brother telling me how selfish I was for not contacting him. Between 1pm and 5pm one day this was when I was in bed ill.

Same when I went on holidays recently. I told him I'd call when I had chance (mobile signal is bit ropey wherer we go). Did he listen nope. Again it all went off, apparently I was selfish for not rushing out to confirm the plane hadnt crashed within minutes of arrival.

I just want to be left alone sometimes without him constantly on my back.....

Your problem is made worse because you and your brother don't support each other. Your dad is probably expert at winding you up about each other.

Your brother possibly also feels aggrieved that he is doing everything because your dad says you do nothing.

I assume that you have tried to explain to your brother that you have commitments that cannot just be dropped at your dad's whim. With work, childcare and your own partner, you have to try and juggle things, so you can't be available just any time he wants.

You sound like you need some peace and quiet sometimes. Definitely you need to tell Dad and brother that it is unreasonable to bombard you when you are trying to catch up on rest. Your brother should know better but maybe he is desperate too?

Update. Yes brothers GF doesnt go so often now that shes realised its not a "cash cow." I can never forgive her for that.

Dad gets worse and worse to be honest. Hes fighting hard to ensure he gets what he wants and I behave as he expects. He's proven he will do whatever it takes to get his way.....

Only this weekend I had a lecture about how I should bail from my 6 year olds birthday party to come and see him and leave my wife to handle it. Its just too much.

My wife is still the anti-christ. He makes this clear. Yet he still thinks I'm going to invite him over at xmas - umm no I aint.

I've tried to back off. In all honesty, I can't deal with him at the moment. See my other thread about him and my brothers kid.....

I try to contact him as little as I can now. Hes had his chances over the years and its gone on too long now.

Hes still my Dad but if I could emigrate to another country it'd be great.....

Ask him 'Do you think a man should make his own decisions?'

When he says 'yes', you can respond 'So do I and I've decided I like spending my time at my child's birthday party, and not with her selfish grandfather.'

You need to draw firm boundaries with him and yes it totally is a power trip it's about proving that he is the super adult and you are his subordinate, he is still the boss etc etc
make sure that phone calls go straight to voicemail if he leave a voicemail answer it by text or email the following day, no real-time communication, greyrock etc

Stop engaging with him, if he starts telling you what to do just reply with thank you for your opinion and change the subject
Don't explain or justify yourself, remember that you are not beholden to him you don't have to answer to him, so stop answering to him

OP, I'm late to the thread and I agree that this is awful and unfair on you. I also agree with PP that your brother (and your relationship with him) is making it worse.

I'm a firm believer in the view that we didn't ask to be born, and that we don't owe our parents anything. I'm an only child, and I love my mum, she's a kind and intelligent woman and I will do my best for her when she's older (no matter if she gets dementia, etc). I never liked my dad, he was dominant, sometimes (emotionally) terrifying, racist, etc from when I was little. I will not do anything for him when he's older. And I genuinely feel zero guilt about that.

OP, it sounds like you get great support and viewpoints from your wife. Definitely listen to her - the distance question, where your brother may do more because of proximity - is a red herring. I suspect your brother is simply projecting as he wishes he could stand up to your dad like you do.