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Elderly parents
Original poster

Behaviour of elderly Dad

94 replies

paulfoel · 04/01/2019 15:26

My elderly Dad is a complete nightmare anddoes a good job of annoying me a lot of the time! I shouldn't let it get to me and should be more firm with him. But I was thinking about what does wind me up and wonder whether you all think my approach is right with what I expect etc from elderly person.

  1. If you can do it yourself or help yourself then do it. Don't expect others to help because you can't be bothered.
  1. Help others to help you and be a little bit flexible. Don't be stubborn and want things all your own way especially when others are sorting things out to make everyones life easier.
  1. Appreciate that family have other responsibilities and not just you. You don't have a right to unlimited time.

Sadly, my Dad fails badly on all three of these.....

If he can get someone to do something for him he just won't bother himself (in fact, I think he likes having someone run around for him). He is totally inflexible and won't listen to anyone its his way or not at all - in the past hes expected me to travel 2 hours to pick him up to take him to appointment rather than pay for a £10 taxi. Worse of all - he does not care about what I've got on, issues/responsibilities I have for my own family - and has said he expects to be put first.

Am I being unfair on him?

/rant over

OP posts:
Wordthe · 05/01/2019 11:59

It's very difficult but I think you need to be firm with him
perhaps you could think of him as a child who needs a firm boundaries?

Original poster
paulfoel · 05/01/2019 12:31

But you are suggesting I look at it from his POV? I do and I find it hard to understand to be honest.

Yes hes lonely and he wants me to visit but doesn't he think I'm doing what I can?

OP posts:
Wordthe · 05/01/2019 12:34

it seems to be fairly common for people as they age to become more inward looking and focusing on their own needs at the expense of others, for whatever reason they seem to lack the ability to see the bigger picture
you have to be firm with him or he will just consume every last drop of your energy

Grace212 · 05/01/2019 12:56

ugh, there's always one

I actually talked to my mum about your post, OP. At the moment, she can mostly still go to the supermarket unless she's having a bad day with various health issues. We were talking about the future and she said if it comes to me doing her shopping online, that's what we do.

Your dad is being really unfair.

also, my mum is going to be very lonely now dad is gone, but the week after the funeral she was encouraging me to go out and have fun again (I didn't, that's not going to happen for a while).

but my point is, he can't act like a selfish arse just because he's a certain age. He doesn't get a free pass. And from what you say, he's been a selfish arse all his life.

Grace212 · 05/01/2019 12:57

to be clear, I was eyerolling at the "look at his POV" - as if the OP hasn't already.

Wordthe · 05/01/2019 13:00

Your father is happy to drain the life out of you in order to try and save himself

potatoscone · 05/01/2019 13:01

Eye roll away, it doesn't make my comment less valid.

Grace212 · 05/01/2019 13:10

potato, why do you think OP hasn't seen her father's POV?

MotherofTerriers · 05/01/2019 13:12

Try to divide it into your dad's wants and his needs. You can meet his needs - for example if he can't go shopping himself he needs it done for him. But an online shop will meet that need. He wants you to put him at the top of your priorities list, and that's very unfair - on you and your child. You can't meet his wants, the list will just keep growing

Wordthe · 05/01/2019 13:20

I think the wants and needs distinction is a great idea @motherofterriers

Wordthe · 05/01/2019 13:22

And yes as you say, what he wants is to be your highest priority, all the rest of his wants are the things that naturally follow from that

GrandmaJane · 05/01/2019 13:26

My dad is 86. He considers my 2 hour daily visit his right and his due. He might live another 20 years, by which time I will be over 80, if it make it that far. He is in fair health and could have a life, but refuses.

So you have my sympathy, OP.

potatoscone · 05/01/2019 13:28

why do you think OP hasn't seen her father's POV

I didn't say i thought that?

I asked OP if she had, that was all.

Grace212 · 05/01/2019 13:30

OP have you talked to your brother about this - if both of you start managing it differently it will help.

Original poster
paulfoel · 05/01/2019 13:52

@potatoscone Of course I have. I completely understand that hes a bit lonely, gets frustrated etc.

But I cant magic my time out of my backside, can I?

OP posts:
Original poster
paulfoel · 05/01/2019 13:57

@Grace212

Thanks. Don't worry I've had it all even from family members - who then disappear when they get asked to do something but apparently I should.

The old saying "walk a mile in someone elses shoes".

Yes realised hes always been a little like this just getting worse. He even said to me the other day. "I'm old, I need your help, so thats the way it is. I expect you to put me first, your wife and kids will have to understand how things are".

Yes he really said that. I avoided him for days after this I was just so angry with him for having that attitude. What does he want me to do disown my kids, divorce my wife and move in with him? probably.

OP posts:
Original poster
paulfoel · 05/01/2019 14:05

BTW brother lives a mile away. His partner doesn't work. Hes got no kids living with him.

Of course, his partner is a saint in his eyes because she goes to see him and does his shopping. (Think shes gold digging a bit mind). She even does his washing (he refuses to buy a washing machine)

I'm not because I work, my wife wont do his washing so shes the she-devil. All because she works too, looks after our kids (one 5yrs old, one autistic teenager whos hard work), and walks with crutches herself at times (Fibromyalgia) and then refuses to drive 25 miles to collect his washing or do his shopping.

BUT its easy for brother. He lets his partner do it all. Then criticises me when I can't visit Dad. Jeez..... (Bit rich hes got three kids by other people hes too busy to go and see!).

OP posts:
Grace212 · 05/01/2019 14:11

it sounds like it will do him good if people disappear.

when you feel up to it - not tomorrow! - I'd go, stock up that massive freezer you bought, and the cupboards, and tell him that any visits for the next few weeks will be purely social.

then go when you want to. Also wondering how he expects you cope in situations like DC having flu etc. I wonder what his friends think of his behaviour to you. You say he will always want someone else to run round after him - is he doing this to others?

in case it makes you feel any better - otherwise it's just a boring story lol - mum told me about someone who changed a lot in their 80s.

Short version - dad was on a committee for charity, there was a man there who was horrible and used to say really blunt, mean things to people. We don't know why, but this year the guy turned up to meetings, apologised, said "I understand I used to be horrible and I will be different" and he has also called us every week since dad died asking if we need anything. He's c80. Something happened - or perhaps his children said something to him? I didn't know him before but mum tells me he is like a different person. So maybe people can change.

Grace212 · 05/01/2019 14:12

x post

your brother has no right to criticize, I'd be hanging up the phone on that.

bit puzzled why your dad doesn't have a washing machine - did he used to use the launderette as an outing type thing?

potatoscone · 05/01/2019 14:13

But I cant magic my time out of my backside, can I?

No, and I wasn't saying that you should. Honestly.

Original poster
paulfoel · 07/01/2019 11:49

Come on potatoscone - by asking if I'd thought about his POV you were implying that I hadn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
paulfoel · 07/01/2019 12:09

Grace - its weird. If I did this he'd go mad. Says he doesn't want to spend that much on shopping in one go.

A lot of things with Dad I'll point out and then he'll change the subject and it gets swept under the carpet. Loads of things. Its impossible to argue with him because he gets defensive and backs down.

Thing is he "expects" a visit come hell or high water. I've tried to explain some times when I've had problems and I sort of get the attitude from him a bit like "Ah thats not so good" then next sentences it almost like "so back to me. when are you doing my shopping?"

Im sure if I phoned him one day and said "Dad my house has burned down, my entire family have been wiped out", he'd say "Aw thats sad. So when can you pop up I'm a bit short of milk?".

Honestly, he is TOTALLY focused on himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
paulfoel · 07/01/2019 12:24

Grace212 - the washing machine thing. You really are not going to believe this...

He got divorced and bought a new flat. Aged 58. Decided he couldn't have a washing machine because he didn't know how to use one and, as he said at the time, "these sort of things are for women". Yes exactly!

So his older sister offered to do his laundry for him. I was not impressed because I was trying to get him to see sense and after this I had no hope. Thanks for that Auntie! For years she did his washing, took bags on the bus etc. Her fault I thought deal with it.

Then as she got older she stopped. Probably had enough of my Dad if I'm honest. If anyone does anything for him you're stuck for life because Dads attitude is "well they dont mind doing it for me".

So of course now Dad had no-one to do it. Buggered if I was going to do it or ask my wife. We lived miles away and had young baby etc. so no chance. So for years, he got my brothers wife to do, then he got divorced, since then hes had various different versions of brothers partner to do it. Nice eh?

Many times hes asked me to ask my wife (note, he wont ask me to do it because its "womens work") to do some laundry for him. Big bone of contention because I always say nope. I dont even ask my wife she'd explode (quite rightly!).

I've offered to arrange pick up of his laundry etc by laundrette. No won't do that. Gets defensive and says "I'll manage". In the past, his "washing" has been putting stuff in the kitchen stink and running tap onto them for 5 minutes. Not clean and he has smelt bad in the past!

So now brothers GF does. Shes mega nice to him but pretty sure she does it because she can see hes got money! Hey ho - you'll learn. Get on with it then. I ignore him now when he mentions laundry - I've offered a solution he doesn't like so he can suit himself for all I care.

I've offered to get a washing machine fitted. I've looked into small table top washing machines. Nope. Still clinging to this idea that he can't possibly use a washing machine because its for women. He still says this - its like its the 1950s.

I've given up now but I used to say, all well and good, have your views, but, at the end of the day, if a man lives on his own hes got no choice. I often say, lucky you don't deem yourself too manly to cook then otherwise you'd flippin starve to death!

OP posts:
Wordthe · 07/01/2019 12:34

it sounds utterly infuriating @Paul, especially this complete refusal to do basic household chores

With the benefits of hindsight do you think there could have been any way to avoid the situation that you are now in?

potatoscone · 07/01/2019 12:46

by asking if I'd thought about his POV you were implying that I hadn't.

I posted it as a thinker, yes. I didn't post it to be offensive. Lots of people actually don't do so things from the other POV. It wasn't a judgement against you personally.