It's been about 5 years in the making, this tumbleweed of stress, building up and up and up and now finally, I can see it rolling towards me, this gargantuan ball of angst, stress, and guilt. And it's rolling at speed!
I need a handhold and advice.
I live in the UK (20 years here) married to DH (from UK). 3 kids, one of whom is autistic. Like everyone else, our lives are full, stressful, hectic. I've also got Lupus so my energy levels are lame at the best of times.
Mum is 82, a widow, immobile, frail health, lives alone in California (she is from the UK but emigrated to the States in the 1960s).
After years of coming over to stay with us (it used to be 2 months a year, now it's 9-12 months- basically, she lives with us, it's just never been formalised), DH has put his foot down and said NO MORE. He can't handle my mum staying with us for the majority of the year anymore. Neither can I. I am shattered and she's in California now, preparing to book her summer hols with us (which turns into Halloween and Christmas and New Year and Daffodils in Spring, and stomach flus, every flu, every week at the GPs, up and down to the consultants for her tickertape of health problems. And next thing you know, we're practically kicking her onto the plane after a 10 month stay).
I sound so cruel. I know. But I am burnt out. I've been in a carer role with mum since I was a kid. That's for another thread. But she just shows up -with all of her needs and issues and crises- and doesn't leave. We have to pick up the pieces. I love her. And I thought I would be a kinder daughter as she grew older. But this resentment eats away at me. And I feel horrible about this.
I have to have the conversation with mum - who will not sell her home or move out of it under any circumstances ever BUT will let it rot for 10 months out of the year while she takes over my home at the expense of our peace of mind. It is totally stressful and my anxiety levels are through the roof knowing that she's actively looking at flights. And then there's the guilt of not wanting to be her carer. I physically cannot do it anymore.
Retirment homes, granny flat in the UK near me, assisted living- she will have NONE of it and is insulted if I suggest anything that doesn't involve living with me.
I have two brothers- one is recovering from a curable form of pancreatic cancer but he will be chronically ill (he has had a Whipples procedure which has left him with complications including Brittle diabetes, so his life is compromised). My other brother has a wife with severe mental health issues. She is bipolar but on an extreme scale and is hospitalised 2-3 times a year for about 3 weeks at a time. So SIL is very unwell. Basically, my brothers can't even spare a thought for mum. They have SO much on their own plates and their stuff isn't going away anytime soon.
So it's on me to look after my unwell, high-needs, elderly mother.
I don't know how to make lemonade out of these lemons. 
Feel free to call me a self-centred jerk. But I did look after my dad at home for two years until his death. And he was a much easier character than mum, a much less needy person and a joy to be around. And still it was so, so, so hard.
Advice? Suggestions? Apologies for the long post.