DH does not want to look after my mum

[TheVanguardSix]

It's been about 5 years in the making, this tumbleweed of stress, building up and up and up and now finally, I can see it rolling towards me, this gargantuan ball of angst, stress, and guilt. And it's rolling at speed!

I need a handhold and advice.
I live in the UK (20 years here) married to DH (from UK). 3 kids, one of whom is autistic. Like everyone else, our lives are full, stressful, hectic. I've also got Lupus so my energy levels are lame at the best of times.

Mum is 82, a widow, immobile, frail health, lives alone in California (she is from the UK but emigrated to the States in the 1960s).
After years of coming over to stay with us (it used to be 2 months a year, now it's 9-12 months- basically, she lives with us, it's just never been formalised), DH has put his foot down and said NO MORE. He can't handle my mum staying with us for the majority of the year anymore. Neither can I. I am shattered and she's in California now, preparing to book her summer hols with us (which turns into Halloween and Christmas and New Year and Daffodils in Spring, and stomach flus, every flu, every week at the GPs, up and down to the consultants for her tickertape of health problems. And next thing you know, we're practically kicking her onto the plane after a 10 month stay).

I sound so cruel. I know. But I am burnt out. I've been in a carer role with mum since I was a kid. That's for another thread. But she just shows up -with all of her needs and issues and crises- and doesn't leave. We have to pick up the pieces. I love her. And I thought I would be a kinder daughter as she grew older. But this resentment eats away at me. And I feel horrible about this.

I have to have the conversation with mum - who will not sell her home or move out of it under any circumstances ever BUT will let it rot for 10 months out of the year while she takes over my home at the expense of our peace of mind. It is totally stressful and my anxiety levels are through the roof knowing that she's actively looking at flights. And then there's the guilt of not wanting to be her carer. I physically cannot do it anymore.

Retirment homes, granny flat in the UK near me, assisted living- she will have NONE of it and is insulted if I suggest anything that doesn't involve living with me.

I have two brothers- one is recovering from a curable form of pancreatic cancer but he will be chronically ill (he has had a Whipples procedure which has left him with complications including Brittle diabetes, so his life is compromised). My other brother has a wife with severe mental health issues. She is bipolar but on an extreme scale and is hospitalised 2-3 times a year for about 3 weeks at a time. So SIL is very unwell. Basically, my brothers can't even spare a thought for mum. They have SO much on their own plates and their stuff isn't going away anytime soon.

So it's on me to look after my unwell, high-needs, elderly mother.

I don't know how to make lemonade out of these lemons.
Feel free to call me a self-centred jerk. But I did look after my dad at home for two years until his death. And he was a much easier character than mum, a much less needy person and a joy to be around. And still it was so, so, so hard.

Advice? Suggestions? Apologies for the long post.

In fact she needs health insurance even for a short trip to see you. Insist this is in place before she travels to see you again.
You are going to have to be blunter with her about your time limits while saying she should consider relocating to retirement flats near you. "You are welcome in our lives, our house isn't practical, look as these brochures instead."On a loop if needed.

She's selfish and unreasonable. You've offered sensible suggestions, she rejects them because she knows you'll cave in.

No more caving in - it's gone on too long. Reframe the discussion in terms of her future wellbeing in a new home in the US. Don't engage with anything else.

OP I'm pretty sure that your DM is NOT entitled to NHS treatment, as it's not predicated on whether you were born here, but on your residency. In other words, if you aren't resident in this country (and your DM hasn't been since the 1960s), then you aren't entitled to free treatment and she's been accessing the NHS fraudulently for years! Look, this is from NHS website:

If you are moving abroad on a permanent basis, you will no longer automatically be entitled to medical treatment under normal NHS rules. This is because the NHS is a residence-based healthcare system. You'll have to notify your GP so that you and your family can be removed from the NHS register.

Link here: www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/Healthcareabroad/movingabroad/Pages/Introduction.aspx

As for your dilemma, you're going to have to be honest with her and tell her that you can no longer cope with her staying for long periods. Cite your DS's ASD, your lupus, or whatever you want, but when she counters with 'I'd better come over and help you out then' you'll have to tell her straight 'Look mum, I love you, but having you here is extra work for me. I know you want to help, but the fact is that another person in the house needing care, needing laundry done, needing endless lifts to the hospital is the straw that is breaking this camel's back'. You can chicken out of having this conversation again if you want to, send her links to lovely retirement flats, and you know exactly what the result will be - the same it's always been. She'll book her flight and turn up again and you'll all bite your tongues for the next 10 months. Say your piece and prime your DBs so they can stick up for you and say 'I know it's hard mum, but Vanguard is on her knees. She can't cope with someone else in her house for 10 months out of every year. By all means move to the UK and buy a flat nearby, she'd actually like that, but you can't keep imposing on her'. All of you need to sing from the same hymn sheet and keep singing until she gets the message, but you need to be toughen up a bit and start putting yourself and your immediate family first. This problem is not going to be resolved the way you want unless you do.

The ideal solution would be supported living. She must sell her property to pay for that though.
You need to look into what health care she would be entitled to and what her immigration status would be.

If she’s spending more than 90 nights a year in the UK then she could actually be ordinarily resident and therefore entitled to the NHS. It’s complicated though and you need to read up on it

What hit me from your post most of all was this, OP:

Basically, my brothers can't even spare a thought for mum. They have SO much on their own plates and their stuff isn't going away anytime soon.

I'm sorry to hear of your brother's health problems and your SIL's difficulties, and I can well imagine that leaves them exhausted and stressed and unable to deal with your mother as well. BUT YOUR SITUATION IS BY NO MEANS EASIER. You have Lupus, and a child with autism. YOU have so much on your plate, and YOUR stuff isn't going away any time soon.

Why is it that you feel it is fine for your brothers to retreat from caring for your mum, yet feel that it is your job to do so, when you have an equally hard life (if not more so, really - a long term autoimmune disease and an autistic child to care for is a whole HEAP of difficulty, seriously)? Why do your brothers feel it's OK? Is it family dynamics, or plain old-fashioned sexism? (It's a woman's place to take on all the care work).

I don't know if it helps to think on how easily you have excused your brothers from this responsibility. It seems quite clear to you that they can't be expected to take on this burden. But you have assumed the whole weight of it yourself.

Ah thank you all again so, so much. Permission to give you all unMNy hugs? Group hug, Californian style?
The NHS entitlement is a big eye opener, especially since, initially, there was a drive on her part to live here. And I think when she filled in the forms years ago, in earnest, she thought, "I'll most definitely be settling here".
As the years have gone by, I've thought so much about her entitlement- or lack of it. And actually, DH and I were saying that we needed to talk to her about the shape the NHS is in and the realities of her entitlement.

She is the person the rest of us moan about. Breaking the system. And yet, I've been upholding it because well, she's mum. Just being mum justifies the unreasonable.

Stately Homes. Oh I've never had a peek inside but have always thought in the back of my mind, "I should dip a toe in... could I possibly relate?" I have this terrible feeling that I would relate to others on that thread. I'll take the plunge!

Time for a frank discussion. Set out her options clearly. No more living in US and UK, it’s not working for you or your family. If she wants to live here she needs to sell the US property and buy a retirement place here, preferably one with some support like a warden and alarm bells etc..
Stop allowing her emotional blackmail.

And I think when she filled in the forms years ago, in earnest, she thought, "I'll most definitely be settling here". As the years have gone by, I've thought so much about her entitlement- or lack of it. And actually, DH and I were saying that we needed to talk to her about the shape the NHS is in and the realities of her entitlement.

So she HAS been accessing the NHS fraudulently this whole time! Wow OP. You need to sort that out. She may be your mum, but she's someone who is using the NHS a hell of a lot, by the sounds of it, and she's not entitled to do so. Please sort this out. No wonder the bloody NHS is on its knees

As much a you believe your mum is lovely claiming to "come to help" and then not doing so but having the household revolve around them is a classic manipulation of emotionally immature parents of all ages.

I have had this from older relatives who were only in their 50s and never helped me in the slightest! But yet would describe it to all and sundry as "helping". Stop listening to her words and look at her actions. That's what she does with you, she knows she can ignore your pleas as you will cave and do what she wants.

She is in no position to help, she is a frail older woman who needs lots of help and support, more than you are able to give. A retirement community would be a great solution.

I would let your DH deliver the message that if she wants to be in the UK for months at a time and use the NHS she needs to sell up and move permanently (but not into your house!). You are not a terrible daughter if you are not at her beck and call 24/7! Please look after your own needs because noone else will!

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachmentdata/file/430967/ORRTool11.pdf

This is the eight page guidance on whether she is resident for NHS purposes. It is complicated but because her house is in US and she owns nothing here and is visiting you I don't think she would qualify. On the assumption she plans each time to return to US.

Dear God OP you are a Saint. You really shouldn't feel guilty as others have said. Where does she sleep when she stays with you? I am assuming you have a spare room? Is there any way to make it disappear? Do your children share rooms? One of the could move into it? Or maybe you are having 'financial difficulties' and find yourself forced to take in a lodger? Or you could move into a slightly smaller house (I know it's a hassle but it would be a one off). Fundamentally she couldn't stay with you for so long is she has no where to sleep. This might prompt her to sell up and buy her own place. Alternatively you may have to take the bull by the horns and buy something for her to live in yourselves (if you can afford it) and just firmly tell her that this is where she will have to stay. I know it sounds harsh but you really aren't coping with taking care of her. What else can you do?

Our lives generally pan out as a result of the choices we make. You are under no legal obligation to care for your DM. She also has choices, and if she declines assisted living she lives with the consequences.
My DM ended up on anti depressants and BP medication running round after my grandma. My grandma died aged 89 and my mum suddenly six months after aged 69. Your mum's wants do not trump yours. You prioritise yourself and your DH/DC in this life. Older people can be very manipulative, will she be disinheriting you next?
Make your choice and stand firm.

Definitely Stately Homes territory!

As PPs have said, you have a lot to contend with without caring for your DM in addition. Maintaining your health - and your relationships with your H and your DC - must be top priority.

Your Mum has lived to a decent age, and still has mental and physical capacity to take sensible decisions about her housing, health and social care. If she won’t take sensible decisions she should be clear that you and your siblings and family won’t pay the price!

Sad for her, but not so sad that her wishes and needs trump others.

You do not need to make any excuses or make a spare room "disappear" it shoukd be enough and IS enough that having your mum to stay is not working for your family. End of. If you are vague and apologetic she will be able to explain your problems way and guilt you into accepting what she wants. You are lower to say NO without an explanation.

She had really been living with you full time and going back to the US for vacations. You are all deluding yourselves with the story that she is "visiting".

Face the truth, your DH is keen to help you, and have the courage to put yourself, your marriage and family BEFORE your mother. If she guilts you or you guilt yourself with her "imminent demise" a certain female relative of ours has been threatening to "die tomorrow" in our family and she is still with us 20 years later! I think letting her move in would kill family members off quicker while she would still be going strong!

Sorry for all the typos! I pressed Post instead of Preview as I am typing quickly on my phone

I'd be 'considering getting a lodger' so that I had no room available. Find an airbnb locally and send her the link.

She's can have as much British healthcare as she likes if she pays for it - unless she is ordinarily resident, she isn't entitled to NHS care, though ten months a year might cover it . Is she using your address for her GP and her consultants? If she really is resident in the UK, is she paying/contributing to your council tax at all? Income tax? There are so many potential frauds here it's quite frightening. Does she have any insurance at all in the US? Surely she's entitled to Medicare? (or is it Medicaid?)

There isn't an answer to this that will not involve a row. In your situation I would prioritise the family I had around me, and yes I have done so.

I would draw a line under her staying with you even on a short term basis. We all know she will extend that.

I would offer to help her relocate near to you and support her there, keep reminding yourself that that in itself is a (huge) kind and generous undertaking.

She is not entitled to NHS care. I’m a Brit living in the U.S. and cannot get NHS care unless I have lived in the U.K. for more than 6 months.

Tell her there has been a change in the law and she cannot get free NHS care anymore.

Tell her if she wants to carry on using the NHS,, she needs to be resident. That means her own address here and staying as your house guest.
Be honest about how her extended trips cause you stress, additional work and resentment. But if she lived nearby in some sort of supported set up, you could actually begin to enjoy her company again.

I would let your DH be blunt with her. Clearly you are struggling with this and have the FOG.

Your DH is trying to support you, you need to support him in this as you know this is the right thing for your health/marriage and Ian family.

It will be hard and you will feel guilty but she's asking too much of you. And it's ok to say no.

Have you had the conversation OP, you really need to prioritise your own health and mental wellbeing. She is being very selfish.

I would not look after my mum at home. Not in a million years. My dad possibly but I would probably ended up rapidly dying before my mum as she's just so hard to live with.

I think you are doing you're family a disservice by not putting their needs first. Lupus and a child with ASD is a big deal. Living as a sibling with a child with special needs is also a major deal. They need to be your focus. Your mum has more options here. Tell her to use them.

It's not all up to you.

Let your DH take the flak. Let him speak from the position of telling her that his wife is suffering, his family is suffering, and that none of you can carry on with the situation as it used to be.

People get older, circumstances change. She wasn't interested in a retirement flat at 72, but at 82 it is now pressing - no one else can be there for her unless she takes active steps to make it easier for everyone. Either by moving closer to your brother in the US, and accepting that visits to the UK are now less than 4 weeks in duration, max twice a year, or by moving closer permanently to you in the UK in a place that is suitable for her needs and offers support from other corners.

Let your DH do it, please. He can be clear-headed about it and you can't.

It will be OK to say "I'm sorry for how this must make you feel, Mum, but we need to come up with a solution that works for everyone. We love you, but we cannot go on as it is." Rinse and repeat.

Good advice NoSquirrels