DH does not want to look after my mum

[TheVanguardSix]

It's been about 5 years in the making, this tumbleweed of stress, building up and up and up and now finally, I can see it rolling towards me, this gargantuan ball of angst, stress, and guilt. And it's rolling at speed!

I need a handhold and advice.
I live in the UK (20 years here) married to DH (from UK). 3 kids, one of whom is autistic. Like everyone else, our lives are full, stressful, hectic. I've also got Lupus so my energy levels are lame at the best of times.

Mum is 82, a widow, immobile, frail health, lives alone in California (she is from the UK but emigrated to the States in the 1960s).
After years of coming over to stay with us (it used to be 2 months a year, now it's 9-12 months- basically, she lives with us, it's just never been formalised), DH has put his foot down and said NO MORE. He can't handle my mum staying with us for the majority of the year anymore. Neither can I. I am shattered and she's in California now, preparing to book her summer hols with us (which turns into Halloween and Christmas and New Year and Daffodils in Spring, and stomach flus, every flu, every week at the GPs, up and down to the consultants for her tickertape of health problems. And next thing you know, we're practically kicking her onto the plane after a 10 month stay).

I sound so cruel. I know. But I am burnt out. I've been in a carer role with mum since I was a kid. That's for another thread. But she just shows up -with all of her needs and issues and crises- and doesn't leave. We have to pick up the pieces. I love her. And I thought I would be a kinder daughter as she grew older. But this resentment eats away at me. And I feel horrible about this.

I have to have the conversation with mum - who will not sell her home or move out of it under any circumstances ever BUT will let it rot for 10 months out of the year while she takes over my home at the expense of our peace of mind. It is totally stressful and my anxiety levels are through the roof knowing that she's actively looking at flights. And then there's the guilt of not wanting to be her carer. I physically cannot do it anymore.

Retirment homes, granny flat in the UK near me, assisted living- she will have NONE of it and is insulted if I suggest anything that doesn't involve living with me.

I have two brothers- one is recovering from a curable form of pancreatic cancer but he will be chronically ill (he has had a Whipples procedure which has left him with complications including Brittle diabetes, so his life is compromised). My other brother has a wife with severe mental health issues. She is bipolar but on an extreme scale and is hospitalised 2-3 times a year for about 3 weeks at a time. So SIL is very unwell. Basically, my brothers can't even spare a thought for mum. They have SO much on their own plates and their stuff isn't going away anytime soon.

So it's on me to look after my unwell, high-needs, elderly mother.

I don't know how to make lemonade out of these lemons.
Feel free to call me a self-centred jerk. But I did look after my dad at home for two years until his death. And he was a much easier character than mum, a much less needy person and a joy to be around. And still it was so, so, so hard.

Advice? Suggestions? Apologies for the long post.

Just read my title... it should really read DH doesn't want to look after my mum (and neither do I, clearly, after reading back my post!)

I couldn't - and wouldn't - accept my mother coming to live with me... it would break my marriage and it would also break me!

The guilt you feel is normal, but for your own sanity you don't have to be her carer - there are other options available (assuming between you/your mother/your siblings you can afford them). I appreciate your mother doesn't want to live in a retirement home - but why does her 'wants' trump yours? You have your own life and children to look after, and it's a massive ask to expect you to take her on. (I can't believe she stays with you for that long each year - there is no way I's stand for that!)

You need to be a lot firmer with her, and it's not unreasonable to ask your siblings to support you in this.

Can you get a lot of website/brochures for her to choose from and make it clear that your home isn't included in her choices?

I think you be blunt with her, that she can only stay 6 weeks then she has to go back. She can't have her cake and eat it. She either sells up and has somewhere to live in the UK or stays in California.

Would your DBS support you in having a conversation with her?

There is no way that you are a self-centred jerk! Just because your mum is elderly doesn't mean she gets to rule your lives. Your poor DH, you have clearly struggled massively with boundaries.

You have to clearly tell your mum she can no longer stay with you and has to choose one of the very sensible alternatives that she is refusing to consider.

You sound like you are living in the classic FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt when unable to confront difficult parents. Can I just say something? You are allowed to be your own priority, you are allowed to put your and DHs needs first.

You need to be firm. You are absolutely not being unreasonable and you need to remember that.

Decide with your dh what level of care/length of stay you’d be happy with, tell her and ignore tantrums. It’s tjme to say enough!!

How on earth is she managing to access healthcare in this country? Assuming she is using the NHS somehow, I would make noises about the extent to which the Department of Health is cracking down on visitors & migrants using the health service without making a contribution and it won't be possible for her to do so in the future.

I don't think you have any alternative but complete bluntness. She is too much of a burden for you to handle on top of all of your other responsibilities and so she needs to work with you to make the situation more manageable. She cannot stay with you again, that option is off the table. Yes, she will be insulted, but what is the alternative? Your DH is stating clearly that he at least is no longer prepared to put up and shut up. This is not an unreasonable position.

Do you actually have room for her? Is there an option to make that room disappear?

Could your husband deal with this? Could he call her and say that you're not well and she can't come over for a while - you could have a mystery illness that lasts a while. Could he say that it was caused by caring for her, and that he thinks she should be looking at a retirement home and would she like some help from him in doing so?

It might be easier to keep up the relationship if he does this work himself.

You are not self centred at all. There is no way I'd have been able to live with Mum and it's certainly not happening with dh's Mum. As you have said, you've more than enough on. You don't even have to wrestle with any guilt from her having been there for you when you could have done with support when your dc were little, which some people do.
I think you need to be clear before she comes next, that you can no longer cope with her staying with you. That - if she wants to stay nearby you will look for a short term flat lease or Air BnB or even hotel or guest house for her, or, if she wants to live here, then you will start to investigate what sheltered housing / retirement village / whatever need she may have type of homes, are available locally, but that you can just no longer cope with her staying with you for months at a time.

Would it be easier to email your DM rather than a face to face (by then too late) or phone conversation? CC in DH then you DM knows it’s not just from you.

Get’s the initial idea out there without scary confrontation.

Thank you all SO much for your really kind replies! I was worried I'd be seen as an awful daughter. The Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (F.O.G.) absolutely rules me! The thing is, mum is a lovely person. But she looks after number one at all times. And many of our conversations- when they turn to the family, her situation in California, and my brothers- become very I'm all alone and no one wants me. Everyone has removed the welcome mat and I'm not wanted shaped.

The thing is, in between staying with me, she would stay with my brother for 2 or 3 months, sometimes never returning to her actual home, before coming back to the UK. This stopped because SIL's mental illness has gotten significantly worse. And with my other brother's cancer battle this past year, she was obliged to stay in California. She tried very hard to stay here with me on the basis that she couldn't cope with her child going through cancer treatment and surgery. As a mother, I couldn't understand why she would want to be thousands of miles away while he struggled. He asked her not to go to the UK, so she stayed and it's been bliss for us. Ok, bliss is an exaggeration. But our son on the spectrum has gotten that much more difficult this year and I've struggled- we've struggled- with our little mountain climb. I would have collapsed if mum were here.
She always says she's coming over to help out. What I resent is her lack of insight. She has everyone running around like headless chickens, completely dependent and needy, yet she is completely unaware of the fact that help is not what she brings to the table.

DH wants to have the talk. But he can be so direct. My concern is that a) we will fall out with mum or b) she won't absorb a thing he's saying and take a breather- go quiet for a while- then bob up to the surface again to make noises about coming over to stay.

She's terrible at taking hints. And directness will either result in her ignoring what we've requested and waiting it out until we've 'come to our senses' so to speak (eventually revisiting the 'I'm ready to visit' noises) OR she'll be really hurt and I'll feel confused, wondering if I'm just hard-hearted.

I see so many people dealing with their elderly parents and it's always hard. But I don't know anyone whose parents stay with them the way my mum does. She's become my sword of Damocles, hanging over me.

I've spoken with both of my brothers at length and it comes to the same result. None of us know what to do. Every suggestion has been offered. She gets so angry when her own siblings suggest she sell her bungalow and get a small flat close to one of my brothers (she refuses and is totally insulted whenever someone suggests this).
She is entitled to the NHS by virtue of being born here and I get really annoyed because she gets the benefit of such good care and is plugged into really great consultants when she's over and still she moans about it. DH works in the NHS, as did I, so hand on heart, I don't think she can depend on her needs being met to her standards the way the NHS is currently.

I've thought about the Lupus angle and about really letting her know how much it drains me health-wise. But anytime I bring it up, her attitude is, "That's why I need to get over there now and help you (by adding even more laundry to the endless heap, more day trips to hospital appointments, more emergency visits to the dentist for gum infections which has spread to the body, etc. etc. etc. Her needs trump ours so we all sort of neglect ourselves because we're so busy with her. It's not a good balance). It's terribly mean of me, but her immobility is the hardest thing because she can't make peace with it. It's always 'temporary' and just a little back problem. She hasn't been able to take a walk up the road either here or at home for 6 years. It's been 6 years of not being able to walk. And this is really difficult because I am just not in a place to take her out on day trips and outings to the shops. I just don't have that kind of space in my daily life. And by the time she leaves to return back to the States, nerves are frayed all around: Mine, hers, DH's, the kids'. I cry when she leaves because it always ends on a really shitty, frazzled note, where tempers are flaring and prayers for a huge breather are being whispered under our collective breath as we hug her goodbye. And she gets wheeled away through Heathrow security, looking crumpled and frail and I then the guilt starts- time is so limited. She won't be here forever. I am such a shit daughter for wishing her visits away.

Today DD received a birthday card from her and her writing is so wiry and shaky. My heart broke. Time with her is winding down and I want to have limitless compassion to offer her. But I just don't.

I wonder about retirement flats. If she sold her bungalow in California, she could possibly buy one here. That would be a great solution. I'll present it to her (as I did years ago, sending her and my brother links to sample properties) and it will go ignored. But I'll try again.
Thank you ALL so much for just reading and hand-holding, advising, and supporting. I am really grateful. It keeps me up nights, this worry, it really does. I am really thankful to you all.

I don't believe she is entitled to NHS care, by the way. Being a citizen/being born here is not the test. She needs to be ordinarily resident here. Whilst she is probably here often enough to qualify, she has no address of her own and her housing situation is not 'stable and settled', that's the entire point of your post.

I think you need to let your DH have the direct, no-frills talk with her. Possibly more than once if she goes for the route of ignoring him the first time around. There is no way to get what you want, which is a painless resolution involving no hurt feelings but some proper respite for you.

I think you are being totally reasonable to not want her living with you. You need to protect your marriage and your immediate family, it sounds like there is plenty of stress and needs there already!

The problem you have is that you want her to be happy with your suggestions. That isn't going to happen. If your DH is going to be direct, that is a good thing! It's either a direct approach, or she will 'misunderstand', or 'wait til you come to your senses'.

Just keep reassuring yourself, and get your brothers to reassure you too, that you are not doing anything wrong. A retirement flat or similar is the best thing for all of you in this situation, even if it's not what she wants. You just don't have the (emotional, physical, financial, mental) resources to house her yourselves.

Oh and it doesn't matter what she says about helping you. You don't need to justify your position to her. You don't need her to agree with you. You can just say no. Good luck!

One is not entitled to NHS care by being born here. You have to be resident, paying taxes/NI. If she has lived in the USA all those years she is resident there and is NOT entitled to NHS care

Oh op, you're not being selfish or unreasonable. You really aren't. I don't know what you can do other than have a difficult and upsetting series of conversations with her, until she either gets it or is in enough of a huff not to come anyway.

You are not an awful daughter, nor self-centred, nor cruel. You sound like a woman hanging on to what’s left of a very frayed rope. If she won’t take hints, you (or preferably your husband) will have to be very direct and blunt and tell her that her visits are far too long - by about nine and a half months - and will not be happening again. Just not happening. You are not doing anything wrong. She may take the hump and feel ‘unwanted’ but the alternative is that you and your family collapse, both literally and figuratively.

Good luck; stay strong.

So hard, I really feel for you. I think that she might be happier in a place where there are more people around, rather than on her own in a granny flat. What about selling her place in US and buying into one of these retirement communities here? Or a really nice home. My Grandma really enjoyed the wonderful place she moved into - said it was like a hotel.
I think you have to have a brutal conversation that says the 9 month visits are done with and that the only option on the table is if she moves closer to you or your brother...in many ways I can see that it's probably going to be you. I'm afraid that you have to be really explicit about what you are able to give in terms of time and anything extra is a bonus.
I also think that your brothers need to be involved in the solution. I expect part of their involvement will be in helping to sell her place. Also if you are the one on the ground over here, they might/will need to make a financial contribution towards where your Mum is going to live. It might be hard for them as they will probably find it difficult to travel over here themselves so they will effectively be saying goodbye to her if she moves here. Hopefully she might be able to go and stay with one or the other of them occasionally.

She isn't entitled to free care on the NHS. Use that small practical thing as the reason why she needs to stop spending so much time here. Or tell her that in order to access the care she wants and seems to need, she will have to sell up in the US and buy her own home here, pay her taxes and live in a way that is demonstrably independent.

Maybe to NHS entitlement route is one to look then. Insurance might be expensive for her. So you could present it that she has to move over here.

Does it help if you email her rather than talk to her?

She won’t be entitled to NHS care, if checks were done which they would be if she was ever hospitalised.

Your DH sounds to have put up with a lot: would listen to his suggested approach. If your DM gets angry so be it: she has been hugely unreasonable. And her fear of not being wanted is a reality, due to her own choices and behaviour

Also take a look at the Stately Homes threads in relationships.

I came on to say she definitely isn't entitled to NHS care, we live in US on a temporary visa and although we are U.K. citizens with a U.K. house we are not entitled to free NHS care, you have to be a resident. This used to be hardly enforced but they are getting stricter. If she is caught defrauding the system she could have a very large medical bill. I would clearly explain this to her. She will have to relocate to UK to use NHS.

I think you need to be blunt "Mum you are immobile and add to my workload. It's lovely to spend time with you but you are not helping us out are you? You cannot come and stay for more than x weeks you are not well enough, I am not well enough... it isn't working for us anymore"

Depending on her health to date she may find it difficult to get medical insurance.

I'd try the nhs route and see if that makes a difference.

Does she know how much lupus takes out of you ?

You aren't entitled to NHS care by being born here. You are entitled by being resident here or from European Economic Area country.

She is ordinarily resident in the USA. She may well have therefore given up her right to NHS treatment.

You could point that out to her if she is planning a long trip.