Elderly Aunt advice needed

[susien777]

Hi all,

I have an aunt who is 86. She lives about 55 miles from me, has never been married or had children.

She is extremely independent and refuses help from anyone. She hoards everything and her house is a shocking mess and it's almost impossible to move around because of this. She keeps newspapers from years ago and when I suggest that I take them for recycling she gets angry and says she's not read them yet. Her kitchen is a health hazard with bags of rotten food that has liquified.
She's not very mobile and can only leave the house if either myself or the neighbour takes her. She struggles to climb the stairs in her house too.
I've suggested she move closer to me in a bungalow so I can help her but she's refused that.
She seems to have diarrhoea on a regular basis and now weighs 6 stone but refuses to see a doctor.
It's making me so stressed and I already have my mum in a care home for end of life care and I'm at my wits end trying to know what to do to help aunt.
Any suggestions would be greats, thanks.

Thanks to you all. 💐💐💐💐 When I spoke with the senior nurse at the home yesterday she told me Mum had maybe weeks, days or possibly hours left to live. I've been to see Mum today and the doctor was there and said she has 3-6 months left.
How can their opinions be so different. If she's not eating I'm not sure 3-6 months is realistic.
All I know is watching her suffer like this is heartbreaking.

Sounds like they just don't really know.

Either is tough for you.

Take care of yourself.

I am so sorry. Please look after yourself and do what is right for you. It might be a sprint- maybe a marathon. But take all th3 support you can. And lots of folk here to hold your hand.🌺🌺🌺

How is your Mum ( and you ) ?

Thank you for asking but sadly she's very poorly. She's still not eating and today her blood pressure 45/40.

She seems only semiconscious most of the time and is totally bed ridden now.
😢😢😢

So very sorry susie. 🌺🌺🌺

Oh Susien am so sorry, please concentrate on your mum. As pp said I've also experienced this, with family member saying they don't want interference, but are happy to run you tagged. It's interesting she was annoyed with you turning up early to collect from the care home, does that mean she enjoyed it. Sending good thoughts to you and your mum. X

Sorry to hear that. I hope the hospice/hospital are keeping her comfortable and keeping her mouth moist. These last few days ( if that is what it is) is very hard on the people visiting/ keeping a vigil. Make sure you are looking after yourself.

Sorry for the late update. Mum passed away peacefully on the 1st June 😢😢💔

I'm really sorry to hear that Susie. How are things going with your aunt? Take care to look after yourself. X

Aunt is back home, I still visit as often as I can to help.
She’s angry I tidied her house but I explained that she wouldn’t be allowed back home unless I did.
She said they didn’t tell her that at the hospital (they did).
I’ve asked her to move closer to me so I can take care of her and she’s refused and she now wants to change her will - I’m assuming it’s becasue of the tidying I did - or in her eyes interfering although she did ask me to invoke the power of attorney over her health and welfare and finances.
I feel really hurt by all this 😕

So sorry to read the sad news about your mother.

Such a shame that your Aunt doesn't appreciate all that you are doing for her.

Thank you all for your lovely replies 💐💐💐💐
I just have to remind myself she’s old and set in her ways and she’s not going to change now 😕
Does feel like a kick in the teeth what she’s doing though 😫

Unfortunately the hoarding and unable to accept help is common, often a sign of dementia or mental health issues. Please contact adult social services for her area and explain as you have here, say you will be able to help clear etc but need them to get her to understand that she needs help. If they believe she lacks mental capacity they can help you to get the help she needs.

Hoarding isn't just a problem for the person doing it, adjoined properties are at risk from fire and professionals eg fire, visiting healthcare professionals are at risk from fire and tripping. Good luck and best wishes. You are doing the right thing

And yes, drs and social services can assess if she lacks capacity, if that's the case she can be admitted to a care home against her will. I believe they have to go to the court of protection and a guardian is appointed (probably you if you are willing). If she hasn't lost capacity I suggest getting powers of attorney in place so you don't have to apply to the court of protection.

Struggling with this now, it's not easy

I already have power of attorney but she refuses to let me do anything.
When I saw her Sunday her lower right leg was swollen from the knee down to her ankle, the skin was so tight it's like it would split.
Considering her tiny frame it looked massive.
I told her I would take her to the doctors, she has refused.

Susie, I am so sorry about your mum.
Your aunt does not deserve you. Please reread the advice on here and put yourself first.
🌺🌺🌺🌺

Sorry to hear about your mum, you've been through so much. With your aunt, if her bottom leg is that swollen it really needs medical attention, I know she has refused but it could be a clot. With changing her Will, don't worry about that threat, how's she going to do it, is she really likely to ring a solicitor. The poa won't let you do much, only her finances if she agrees, the health and welfare you can't do until she legally loses mental capacity to make her own decisions. Did they send her home with a care package, if you feel she is still at risk you can call social services, she will be in their system.

Susie, I just read all of this and am so sorry just sending you some strength, wish I had some wise words but it all sounds so difficult.

@SheRaTheAllPowerful and all other posters, your kind words are so very much appreciated.
Yes Holey she would phone up and change it but whether she is mentally of sound mind now to do it is debatable.
When she left the hospital she went to a convalescent home but that was only for 11 days as she hated the place and there was no care package for when she returned home - possibly they thought she was staying at the home.
She's a worry living alone, she can't manage the stairs or her washing.
The food is sometimes full of maggots where she's not kept it in the fridge
She keeps giving her bank card details to random phone callers
It's so stressful and as she lives 55 miles away it's not realistic for me to go there more than once a fortnight.
😩😩🙁

Do you know if she had a capacity assessment done either in hospital or the carehome, it sounds like it would help, her g.p. could do this for her. Are you going to be taking over her finances, maybe you can speak to her bank and tell them about the cards and have them returned. I would see if the carehome knew if she was going home, was she considered at high risk of self neglect and did they speak to social services. You can take photos of the maggots, the mess, her struggling to walk, I would speak to her local adult social services safeguarding team to make sure she is on their radar.

I've already used the poa to try and sort out the bank fraud she had. They cancelled the card and issued a new one and she's done the same thing again, given details out to random callers.
So I've cancelled that card and they've issued a new one.
I tried calling adult social services today, after 20 minutes of waiting for someone to answer I gave up. Had the same thing when I tried last Friday. They seem impossible to get through to.
So bloody frustrating.
She won't see a doctor or have one come to her house, that's certain.

I would call the bank fraud office, better still email, and say she is not to have a card, maybe they can send it to you instead, that's what We did, how is her leg.

Ive already spoken with the fraud office in it's an ongoing case as she voluntarily gave her number out they still haven't refunded yet (around £2k).
I have a card for her account as I have poa, with this I've tried to set up her bills to be paid by direct debit but I've not got around to sorting them all out and aunt would just call for a new card if they cancelled her old one.
As for her leg, as far as I'm aware there's no change, she has absolutely refused to see a doctor so not sure what else I can do.