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Elderly parents
Original poster

Elderly Aunt advice needed

99 replies

susien777 · 28/03/2018 09:12

Hi all,

I have an aunt who is 86. She lives about 55 miles from me, has never been married or had children.

She is extremely independent and refuses help from anyone. She hoards everything and her house is a shocking mess and it's almost impossible to move around because of this. She keeps newspapers from years ago and when I suggest that I take them for recycling she gets angry and says she's not read them yet. Her kitchen is a health hazard with bags of rotten food that has liquified.
She's not very mobile and can only leave the house if either myself or the neighbour takes her. She struggles to climb the stairs in her house too.
I've suggested she move closer to me in a bungalow so I can help her but she's refused that.
She seems to have diarrhoea on a regular basis and now weighs 6 stone but refuses to see a doctor.
It's making me so stressed and I already have my mum in a care home for end of life care and I'm at my wits end trying to know what to do to help aunt.
Any suggestions would be greats, thanks.

OP posts:
Namethecat · 04/05/2018 10:19

How are things going for you and your Aunt ?

Original poster
susien777 · 04/05/2018 10:45

She's due out of the care home on Monday and wants to go home.
I phoned social services who said it's her choice, she has mental capacity and they can only advise on what she needs.
They said if she chooses to live that way there's nothing they can do without her permission.
So I will collect her Monday, make sure she has food but apart from that I don't know what else I can do.
She doesn't want anyone interfering in her life 😕
I don't think she can cope at home but I have to respect her wishes.

OP posts:
thesandwich · 04/05/2018 10:49

Susie, you cannot do any more except be ready for the next crisis with phone numbers etc. Make clea4 to he4 what you can and cannot do. And look after yourself. How is your mum?

Original poster
susien777 · 04/05/2018 12:12

Mums doing ok thanks for asking. Thank you for all your support and advice, it's so reassuring to read all your comments.

💐😊

OP posts:
thesandwich · 04/05/2018 13:11

🌺🌺
You are not alone. Rant away here... lots of wise ones who have been where you are. Take care of yourself

Namethecat · 04/05/2018 13:21

As hard as it seems with regard to your Aunt and with ss saying she has the mental capacity to make her own decisions, you have to allow her to do just that. If she is continually failing and being admitted then I'm sure they will have a duty of care eventually.

annandale · 04/05/2018 13:53

They do have a duty of care but that includes not detaining her if she wishes to go home and can decide to do so.

Have there been any discussions about a pendant alarm?

Original poster
susien777 · 04/05/2018 14:06

Yes, she refuses to have one. 😕

OP posts:
annandale · 04/05/2018 19:00

Oh God :(

You're right, I don't think there is anything you can do, it sounds like you are doing more than many would.

Original poster
susien777 · 16/05/2018 09:12

Well I collected aunt from the care home bank holiday Monday, she moaned because I turned up too early, I said I wanted to spend some of the bank holiday with my children and my mum who has taken a turn for the worse.
I took her shopping and went home, went back last Friday to help sort out various bit and pieces for her.
I called yesterday to see if she wanted me to pop over and cut her grass this weekend. She started moaning at me because apparently she can't find anything after I tidied for her.
I feel so angry that I nearly told her what I thought. I had to take 6 unpaid days off work to clear her house, working 10-12 hour days. Some of the jobs I had to do were stomach churning. That's without all the trips back and forth to the hospital and sorting out her respite care for her.
I honestly feel like crying my eyes out over this, I'm so upset and angry.
😢☹️😖

OP posts:
thesandwich · 16/05/2018 09:21

Susie, just popping in but here’s a big 🤗 for you and Brew back later. You have done your very best.

Original poster
susien777 · 16/05/2018 09:24

Thank you so much 💐💐I feel like an emotional wreck right now. 😢😔

OP posts:
MiniDoofa · 16/05/2018 09:32

Susie you're doing incredibly well in a very very hard situation. Your aunt and mum are lucky to have you. I hope there is someone to look after you at home. Make sure you get some rest even half an hour with BrewCake. Take careFlowers

CPtart · 16/05/2018 10:09

As a district nurse of many years I used to see this all the time. Your aunt says she doesn't want anyone interfering in her life, fine, you who will do her shopping for example without your 'interference?' Experience tells me she wants family to do all the running round because she doesn't want to pay. Completely and totally selfish, unrealistic and unsustainable on your part.
You have no legal responsibility to care for her, that lies with social services, and I would remind them of that fact as she is a vulnerable at risk adult and then take a big step back. It usually takes a crisis for things to get sorted, at th minute you're just prolonging the inevitable to the detriment of your own health.

Original poster
susien777 · 16/05/2018 10:47

I have spoken with social services, they are not interested. They have said as she has mental capacity there's nothing they can do without her permission. 😕

OP posts:
CPtart · 16/05/2018 11:16

Then you do one final shop, give her social services telephone number, tell her you are no longer on call and stay away, even if she ends up back in hospital. It will be extmely hard..but it already is, otherwise you're possibly in for years of this. I've seen it all before.

FinallyHere · 16/05/2018 18:16

Or perhaps tell her you are going into hospital. Step back, certainly and concentrate on your closer family

Hope mum is doing ok

PoshPenny · 16/05/2018 19:42

Stair you have done everything you can for her and it doesn't suit. It's time to back away and concentrate on your mother and leave her be. If aunt complains later down the line then you can tell her why you backed away and won't be coming back. She has made it clear she doesn't want your help so as she has capacity she's on her own now. Nothing more you can do now Thanks

PoshPenny · 16/05/2018 19:42

Susien not stair *

Ginmakesitallok · 16/05/2018 19:55

It must be so so hard, but she's an adult with capacity who has the right to live how she wants despite the risks.

Original poster
susien777 · 22/05/2018 06:45

Well problems with Aunt have had to put aside. Mum stopped eating last Wednesday and is only sipping the occasional mouthfuls of water so my time needs to be spent with her now. 😢😢😢😔

OP posts:
Mosaic123 · 22/05/2018 08:11

So hard for you but yes, concentrate on your Mum. Wishing you strength to cope with all this.

Namethecat · 22/05/2018 08:19

Bless you, and your Mum. Concentrate on the two of you in the next few days. If you receive any news from your aunt or concerns from neighbours refer them to her doctor. Sending hugs.

FinallyHere · 22/05/2018 13:27

More hugs @susien777

Original poster
susien777 · 22/05/2018 13:50

Thanks to you all. 💐💐💐💐 When I spoke with the senior nurse at the home yesterday she told me Mum had maybe weeks, days or possibly hours left to live. I've been to see Mum today and the doctor was there and said she has 3-6 months left.
How can their opinions be so different. If she's not eating I'm not sure 3-6 months is realistic.

All I know is watching her suffer like this is heartbreaking.

OP posts: