Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

Yolo I have no idea how you are managing your way through this. You are a better woman than me!!! Extra she is utterly unbelievable.

So tough yolo. Where do the people that we remember and love go? Can't help feeling that it was all very well Shakespeare writing 'love alters not when it alteration finds' but iirc it wasnt him at home in Stratford caring for his demented mother.

My own M is planning to pull out of her most recent house purchase. Again. She found a place, saw it (after my sister and i had dropped everything to facilitate it), offered for it. Admittedly we strongly encouraged her to do that because we thought it was perfect. Within 24 hours she was starting to complain about the price, having said the money was fine. My sister, brother and i are sniping at each other because we can't agree how to handle it. At work today there was a rude, unpleasant (terrified, unwell, confused) 90 year old and i felt a grim moment of anger before finding my care again. I absolutely cant let this affect my work.

Just tell yourself you are doing amazingly well and try to ignore the snipes. You and your immediate families are magnificent!

I was heartbroken when my lovely mother died with little notice. My one comfort is that I will always remember her in her prime. I just hope that Dad gets a bit more cooperative. I don't think I would have the deep well of patience some of you keep having to find.

Oh Annandale! I'm sorry!

Yolo....

oh annan that bit about Shakespeare not looking after his demented mum made me laugh! so sorry your DM is doing this about the house and making you all run circles.

littlespace my dad dropped dead 8 weeks before my oldest was born. The shock and the grief was very hard to bear, but I actually think it was easier than this constant strain, the anxiety every time the phone rings.

DM's new plan is to go and live next door to DB and DSIL. This on the grounds that they are both retired and will have plenty of time for her. I dont think so: they do childcare for 4 gc (DM not keen on smalls); they run a gardening business. And most importantly, DSIL looked after her own mother for years, she doesnt need to repeat the exercise with MIL; they want to move house shortly so DM would put the kibosh on that; and if DM thinks she is lonely where she is she would be a fuck of a lot more lonely at the bottom of a very steep unmade up road. Poor DB coming again tomorrow, leaving his home and family again because DM says she is 'paralysed' at home.

Annan, you must be livid. So hard to handle.
And yes, Shakespeare........😂😂😂
Little, sorry to hear about your mum
And yolo I’m speechless....... I hope tracie is still in place...... your dm certainly wins all the prizes.....

Tracie is actually very marvellous; we hid in the kitchen with a glass of while Kelly from the local enablement team (who is also marvellous) dealt with DM. Kelly is what my mum would call 'a bit rough' but she's absolutely brilliantly positive, over riding all objections and makes mum laugh, and she is so kind.

sandwich very very happy hols tomorrow!

Great to hear about tracie and Kelly! And thanks yolo 🌺

Well, coincidentally (or not?) DM fell over again this am, after the morning carers had left. Again, she was in a remarkably comfortable, albeit inconvenient, position, and had to stay there til paramedics arrived. Hospital not required, discussion about depression and confusion as well as attention seeking.

Doctor been (prevously booked at 8am today), Tracie there, antidepressants changed and increased, DB, DSIL and their DDog (Lab) driving up from Devon today and will stay with us (so that Gma does not demand they do evrything, not upset Tracie carer dynamic etc). Stairlift broken so she stuck upstairs in bed, man should go to today despite her being so rude to him on phone. long story. and Lab rescue assessment people coming Monday at 10am so I can have another Ddog (best bit of the day)!!!

Hooray about the dog! Boo about your DM. It is all starting to sound a bit suspicious, isn't it.

I've spent over an hour on the phone talking DM through buy8ng a train ticket.

Does anyone have any advice for getting people to give up technology when it is hampering more than helping?

I have to be honest pickle, i now buy my train tickets at the station as i dont trust websites not to rip me off. But since i live round the corner from a station, it's not hard.

I think I may need to drop drip drip that the old ways are best...

I do buy them online, but pick up at station as most convenient (station miles away). could you buy them for her?? an hour talking it through is very painful indeed.

Just had to go round to mum's with new antid scrip. Tracie pissed off, mum so bloody rude. Gave her (DM) a good talking to about tone of voice and then ran away - poor Tracie she threatened to leave earlier.
DB cant get out of his county as traffic so bad, so he coming by train tonight (no DSIL or DDog, boo).

We used Passenger Assist for a train journey with Dad. He was met at the train door with a wheelchair and pushed to taxi rank. I just thought it might especially if your relative is travelling alone. You can still book PA even if you are travelling with them.

Thanks little space. She's mastered the art of booking assistance, and can keep people on the phone for hours trying to explain her options to her. She can't quite believe that there isn't a better deal though, so she looks herself, gets in a twist, and rings me to talk her down.

Today she didn't want to change at station x, only at station y. But she wanted the cheap ticket that only goes through station x, but still to go through y. It took a lot of explaining that no matter how many times we looked, travelling through y was always going to cost more.

Then she can't remember the password to log in, etc etc. I'm going to suggest that she does all her shopping on the laptop, and just uses the iPad and iPhone (dad had them for work) for communication and browsing.

Tracie walked out at 9pm last night after DM called the police on her (for no apparent reason). Had the police on the phone suggesting I go round to the property. So DB and I both slept round there (for mutual protection) and now I have it all to do again. So so angry and fed up with whole situation.

Oh yolo! I really cannot believe this. You poor things. No advice possible but a very big hug. Is she delusional? Could gp help?

Yolo she is destroying everything.

Are you still with your db?

Oh Yolo! What on Earth? Is anyone making any suggestions?

Is she angling to live with you or DB?

Came home about 9am, got to do a tip run and a bit of shopping for mum. DB still there, staying til Mon or maybe Tues.

Let's face it, she's got exactly what she wanted - both her adult children dancing to her tune.

I suppose on Mon I will have to start investigating another live in carer but they take time to find and of course everyone on the local grapevine will be warned off her now. She will find herself quite alone when DB goes home because I cannot bear being with her for more than 30 mins (plus, you know, work, life, husband, both DDs going back to uni next week which means I will be completely unavailable on Fri and Sat)

She keeps moaning 'I just want to be loved' people keep saying she is loved but that's not enough, and anyone who tries to help she pushes away.

Yolo, you are an absolute saint. I can’t find words. 🌺🌺🌺

Ooh yolo, I'd be tempted to tell her some truths.

"I just want to be loved.. well stop being unloveable then/stop making my life a misery then/".

"You realise no one else will come and care for you overnight, so you'll have to manage on your own now. I'm turning my phone off every evening because I need to sleep to earn money to feed my family and pay for petrol to come and visit you.
I am so sad for you that you have chosen to fall out with everyone like this, and end up lonely and miserable. We used to have a good relationship but you seem determined to sabotage it"

My mum tiptoes up to the line then backs off again. So far.

'Mm-hmm' is an underused response imo.

Ive no doubt that being loved to her means 24 hour care from you/your brother, with absolutely no consequences to any of her behaviour. She doesnt see that she IS loved - ie you are still in there and trying.

Whenever i hear/read 'terribke shame when elderly people aren't visited in their cae homes' i wonder what happened in the years before that.

yolo. You are a saint but even saints have their limit. You have done enough.