reached end of tether

[Mightybanhammer]

Hello

I posted a while ago about Mother being confused and getting up in night thinking morning and that I had to call doc for chest infection.

It has been an unbelievably awful few weeks since then and I just need to vent. I am an only child and live alone, no children, she has literally no other family but me , and I feel like I am sinking. I live about an hour away from her and work an hour and a half in the other direction.

The chest infection was pneumonia and she was also treated for a heart condition. Eventually declared fit to discharge after ten days but I refused without appropriate care as she had deteriorated so much mentally. After a huge amount of faffing and poor communication got carers in three times daily but quickly clear this was insufficient. She needs prompting to do every little task. How much genuine, how much psychological no idea. Started looking at residential rehab to get her back on feet, learning to do simple tasks etc, and arranged an assessment.

In meantime, I have been trying to keep my full time job going in between visits. I share an elderly dog with my former d h. He rings me on day five of all this to say he is being taken into hospital himself with joint infection, can I take the dog. So I have the dog and organise my friend to walk him. She returns from walk shaking and crying. Dog has bumbled to the edge of a massive drop and she only just grabbed his collar in time.

Dog starts to deteriorate physically and mentally - missing my ex dh and shock from the incident. Off to vet. More painkillers prescribed. Dog suddenly become frail over night and barely eating. Knocking furniture over at night etc.

Meanwhile the men arrive to dig up a gas main, need access to the house and my yard. Cue two days of drilling and hammering ( have been working at home) I now have an inelegant array of pipework across the back of my house.

Nurses came to do the assessment for the residential rehab after she had been out hospital. four days,but when tried to get out of her chair she literally screamed in pain. Doc called and suspected fracture. Ambulance men had to give her gas and air. Back to hospital.

At this point I was absolutely spent and didn't go with her. X Ray and ct scan - no fracture after all, but still in severe pain, so has been sent for an mri. I have been googling and have my suspicions but I am not a medic, so will see what this week brings.

I have decided I must go back to the office this week, despite the long commute , for my own sanity if nothing else.

Put wheels in motion to register the EPA. Investigating continuing care and attendance allowance. I thought she received it but I dont think she does. Also getting a form to put her name on the care home list ( where my Dad went)

There is a massive pile of unopened post at her place which I just can't bring myself to tackle.

Feel am losing my mind myself. Have been having to drive around with the poor dog in the car as he isn't fit to be left alone. At one point I glanced in the mirror and was convinced he had died - he was so completely motionless.

At wits' end. Any advice or suggestions very welcome. It's all very very shit.

Thanks for asking, forty . Slept better and feel a bit better. Worked from home so covered the basics. Had to do an errand in my lunch break- same route I took him on his last journey and that started the crying again.

My lovely vets sent a condolence card with his inked paw print inside. They are so kind.

I wish he had had more quality time in his last days, rather than being shunted around in the car while I dealt with the Mother crap.

sarnie thank you. I am making progress but know from experience grief is a convoluted process, not a linear one, sadly.

It’s been so rough for you- you have my sympathy

Good to hear mighty... as you say grief is not linear and you have so much going on. Take it easy.

I have nothing to offer but a hand hold and . As an only child myself this is something that I have dreaded for a long time. I hope things improve.

Just wanted to send best wishes and . Advice on here has been good and pleased to know you have some great friends to support you.

I have no answers re the lack of affection from your DM only that this is not uncommon. My own MIL never did anything for her DM when I’ll but was very demanding and difficult with us. My DH was more immune to it but it took a lot of mind resetting for me to keep things in perspective.

Covered the basics is good.

Beautiful message from my vet in response to lots of questions from my ex, who essentially left an elderly reasonably healthy dog and came back to a dying one.

Have you received a copy of the mental capacity assessment that was undertaken?

The assessment is time and task specific. So, what are they saying she has capacity for exactly? Is it deciding where she wants to live? Her appreciation of falls and other risks? Decisions about her treatment?

These days, a very strong case needs to be argued by social workers to managers if they
decide to support someone being placed in residential care. Most local authorities prefer for people to remain in the community with an appropriate care package as they are legally bound to provide proportionate care and for many, residential care may well be an overly disproportionate response if other support can be put in place to keep people at home.

Hi Gru. No copy of assessment. Basic who is the prime minister stuff I think.

She is now at the residential rehab place for two weeks. Then back home with care. That wont work, so care home after that. Poss a few more trips to hospital to add a bit off variety

She will be self funding. No case for continuing care from nhs.

I need to start on the paperwork but cant face it yet. Collecting poa on Friday.

Back to the office today for first time since my dog died. Hope I can hold it together .

Good luck OP.

Hope working day panning out smoothly and your work colleagues rallying round.
Lovely to have a thoughtful vet smoothing the path and deflecting some of the harder things to deal with... gives a little bit of comfort. When people are nice it actually makes you more teary.
I'd be putting off the paperwork too. [Actually doing the same with the accounts I have to do for the Office of Public Guardian.] DM self funding will cut down some of the protracted negotiations and processes. [The financial kicking and depletion of inheritance is a chat for another day.] If you have a great big long form be sure to photocopy it or scan it so you can re-use for next time. Sometimes when you are stressed you forget to do that kind of stuff which ordinarily you would do in your sleep. But all credit to you after a truly hellish weekend.

Good luck today Mighty. The MN elderlies club are with you in spirit!
Paperwork-do the very minimum now. One urgent thing-get your DM assessed by the care home you want sooner rather than later before it is critical.(from bitter experience)

Good advice from Forty and Sandwich. Hope today’s going well.

Hello lovelies

Yesterday was tough and I got through it somehow . Today better and more productive. Spoke to a friend I hadn't been in touch with for ages who was very supportive.

Mother is reportedly doing well at the rehab place. Good

Today's little downer: new cleaner ( started having a cleaner a year ago and it is bliss - I would have cut back on other things to afford this had I known how transformational it is) ) has let me down. My other lady gave me a month's notice so agency had time to find another. This one simply didn't turn up and said had given her notice to agency. Let's hope they can find a replacement p d q.

Now in the grand scheme this is very small potatoes indeed. But I could so do with having someone to ease the burden somehow. And spending a couple of hours at weekend on household drudgery is not something I have time or energy for at the moment.

Things are easing generally and the awful shock is receding. I still can't bear to put his things away
though. His ashes will be ready next week

You must be super exhausted still but good to hear of things easing a little. I think shock is quite clearly the right term.

[If it helps my DP keeps the precious vintage collar belonging to his darling dog in a lovely box in his bedside drawers. That anniversary will be in a few weeks - 21 years. DP hates clutter and has his wardrobe is colour organised but their bond still endures and the box is opened regularly.]

One small step each day.... your mum is ok so put her in the pending pile. Cleaner- vv important!!!! Good luck with agency.its what you pay them for. And it is still early days in grieving.... take it very easy. You are doing well even if you don’t feel it.

Another small step. agency produced a replacement cleaner for today

Did full day s work

Collected PoA etc from local branch sols at lunchtime

Have just finished tackling pile of post brought here in bin liner
95 per cent rubbish

Have put my boy's bed in spare room. Everywhere I look there are healthy happy dogs or reminders of walks and happy times. Daggers to the heart.

Mother 'doing fine' at rehab. Which means she can walk a bit, needs help with dressing, and can't remember how to make a cup of tea.

Well done! Small victories. There will be good and bad days. Conserve your strength.

Good to hear such a positive update OP. You’re doing really well.

Sending good wishes and hoping you are still being good to yourself and prioritising you

Checking in. Yesterday I didn't leave my bed till 5pm. Watched rubbish on my iPad in between dozing with my cat curled up in the crook of my arm, and today have only just got up now. Need to shower and hair wash before going to visit her in the rehab place, and tell her about my boy's death.

It will be a short visit.

They say they want to get her back to how she was before, but I honestly can't see how. From reports physically she is much better, but seems to be able to do no self care at all which is a bit .

Will report back.

Put my boy's bed in the spare room as the cats like it, but all his other stuff I can't face moving. His ashes will be ready this week. Ex's health is deteriorating again but I have referred all that to his family, I can't take that on too.

Well done for enjoying a ‘me’ day yesterday and for passing back the baton to your Ex’s family. They should have been doing it anyway.

Stay strong re your DMs discharge arrangements- they will try to get you to agree to have her at home.

Hope you have a nice evening later.

Mighty, good that you are taking care of yourself and letting yourself grieve. Take it very gently. And dm..... conserve your strength. She will probably not understand your loss at all. Be kind to yourself.

I'm back. Again, sarnie was spot on. Started to feel fragile driving over, passing many of our favourite spots on the way.

This may seem unbelievable to some but I swear on my dog's life every word is true.

I knew she wouldn't get it, but it was far worse than that. She saw me and said" thank god you are here. I want this this and this,"

I told her about my boy and she said:

"Oh dear. Sorry about that. You will just have to be brave, like I am being in this place. Now, are you going back to the house? I'd like x y and z from there. And I want some money. I need my hair and nails doing.'

By this time tears were streaming down my face, and she started rummaging in her handbag and produced a paper napkin. I thought for a second she would offer it to me to wipe my eyes( thinking about it that would be a lifetime first) . But no. On the napkin was written another long series of demands ( she did something similar in the hospital.) I told her no I wasn't going to the house and the other stuff would have to wait.

Shen then said she knew how I felt as she so upset when her cat died. I didn't respond so she accused me of thinking that loss was not as big as mine. I said why on earth did she think that? ( to me all animals are precious) Then she tried to turn it on herself" I can't say anything right can I"

So she went on and on about having her hair done, so I scraped enough money together for that and left it with her, and left.

This has set me back a bit. I don't think I have ever met anyone so self centred and lacking in empathy.