reached end of tether

[Mightybanhammer]

Hello

I posted a while ago about Mother being confused and getting up in night thinking morning and that I had to call doc for chest infection.

It has been an unbelievably awful few weeks since then and I just need to vent. I am an only child and live alone, no children, she has literally no other family but me , and I feel like I am sinking. I live about an hour away from her and work an hour and a half in the other direction.

The chest infection was pneumonia and she was also treated for a heart condition. Eventually declared fit to discharge after ten days but I refused without appropriate care as she had deteriorated so much mentally. After a huge amount of faffing and poor communication got carers in three times daily but quickly clear this was insufficient. She needs prompting to do every little task. How much genuine, how much psychological no idea. Started looking at residential rehab to get her back on feet, learning to do simple tasks etc, and arranged an assessment.

In meantime, I have been trying to keep my full time job going in between visits. I share an elderly dog with my former d h. He rings me on day five of all this to say he is being taken into hospital himself with joint infection, can I take the dog. So I have the dog and organise my friend to walk him. She returns from walk shaking and crying. Dog has bumbled to the edge of a massive drop and she only just grabbed his collar in time.

Dog starts to deteriorate physically and mentally - missing my ex dh and shock from the incident. Off to vet. More painkillers prescribed. Dog suddenly become frail over night and barely eating. Knocking furniture over at night etc.

Meanwhile the men arrive to dig up a gas main, need access to the house and my yard. Cue two days of drilling and hammering ( have been working at home) I now have an inelegant array of pipework across the back of my house.

Nurses came to do the assessment for the residential rehab after she had been out hospital. four days,but when tried to get out of her chair she literally screamed in pain. Doc called and suspected fracture. Ambulance men had to give her gas and air. Back to hospital.

At this point I was absolutely spent and didn't go with her. X Ray and ct scan - no fracture after all, but still in severe pain, so has been sent for an mri. I have been googling and have my suspicions but I am not a medic, so will see what this week brings.

I have decided I must go back to the office this week, despite the long commute , for my own sanity if nothing else.

Put wheels in motion to register the EPA. Investigating continuing care and attendance allowance. I thought she received it but I dont think she does. Also getting a form to put her name on the care home list ( where my Dad went)

There is a massive pile of unopened post at her place which I just can't bring myself to tackle.

Feel am losing my mind myself. Have been having to drive around with the poor dog in the car as he isn't fit to be left alone. At one point I glanced in the mirror and was convinced he had died - he was so completely motionless.

At wits' end. Any advice or suggestions very welcome. It's all very very shit.

[MachineBee]

Sandwich you’re so right. My own situation has really given me pause for nought and adjustments to priorities are already taking place. My DDs Dad died some years ago. My main worry when I was hospitalised last week was not being around for DDs in this next phase of both their lives. It suddenly became very clear what was important to me.

[thesandwich]

Oh wow machine you’ve had so much to deal with.
A wise friend of mine explained the idea of “ proper selfishness” , the need to protect ourselves.

[thesandwich]

And pickle, how are you doing?

[ohfortuna]

A wise friend of mine explained the idea of “ proper selfishness” , the need to protect ourselves
I think this is key we have to recognise that we only have a certain amount of energy, resources are Limited and we must put our own well-being first and foremost

[Fortysix]

Mighty hope you get an appointment relatively quickly.
Machine that's one hell of a list
Roll on March, April and May when things will be steadier...

[picklemepopcorn]

I'm hanging in here, thank you Sandwich. My tether is fairly short... I hope you are getting by, hammer!

[Mightybanhammer]

How short was my tether... how green was my valley ...

I am sure I replied to this earlier.

Feeling much much better today. GP booked for tomorrow and also tackled the paper mountain this lunchtime. My own which had been building up and my mother's. Whoever said tackling it was so much less painful than angsting about not tackling it was so right. I was astonished how little time it took. I know this though, but never learn.

So much less stressful to know where the papers on this or that are, rather than thinking you do, but wondering if you're right yet putting off doing anything.

Gradually starting to cook again, and have removed various piles - learned, impressive not-yet-read piles of books but piles nonetheless Off the tables and back to the bookcases.

I am gradually being 'restored to my rightful mind ' I think by the care of real life friends, and the online support of you lot. It means so much, and if anyone is lurking in similar desperation out there, take heart.
Reculons pour mieux sauter. ( let's take a step back to leap better)

[picklemepopcorn]

Oh well done!

I have a job, as in employment, which I keep putting off. The challenge of flexible hours. When I finally settle to it, I can go for hours. I can't get started, though!

I do hope your appointment tomorrow goes well.

[thesandwich]

Good news mighty- well done.
Pickle- still early days. Can you motivate yourself with small treats?

[Mightybanhammer]

pickle I understand, I really do. Nothing more to add that hasn't been said already. I do understand that weird disconnect when the outside world carries on as normal so blindly, when your own inner world is hanging in tatters. All I can say is be patient and it does eventually come right somehow, bit by bit.

[Mightybanhammer]

SawGP yesterday. Signed off for two weeks.

[picklemepopcorn]

I think you need it! How are you going to look after yourself? I could do with yoga or something, I'm so tightly wired, but when you are all wound up it's the last thing you want to do! A massage might be nice...


I don't know if we've said this before, but pacing yourself is vital. If you are really kind to yourself now, you can build up some reserves to carry you forward.

[thesandwich]

Mighty, listen to auntie pickle. She is wise. Please take this as wake up call. Treats required!!

[picklemepopcorn]

Oh no, Sandwich, you've outed my secret identity!

Meanwhile in my part of the world my mother is still determ8ned to upset everyone and anyone in her quest for the perfect funeral. She'll be planning her own, let me tell you.

[MachineBee]

I’m pleased your GP is being supportive and given you a break to recharge. Take things at your own pace and regularly remind yourself of what you have managed each day rather than get cross about you haven’t ifswim.

[Mightybanhammer]

I have done a lot of sleeping

Meanwhile problems are arising with Mothers cleaner/ friend. She has form for over stepping boundaries and nowI discover she has booked a GP appointment for Mother without telling me, and organised someone else to be present for it! I have already had one conversation about how grateful I am that she is there to sort things, but she absolutely must tell me first.

Luckily they rang me to say they weren't happy with going behind my back, and also, it wasn't convenient as home visits are organised on a huge window of hours. I have offered to go instead.

[picklemepopcorn]

Good thing the GP is onside. I'm sleeping a lot, too. I think it's healing.

[MachineBee]

Arrgggh. How annoying. I’m sure they meant well but this isn’t helpful. Good that you can take your DM to GP, but why does your DMs cleaner think she has the right to do this?! By all means talk to you if she has concerns, but book an appt herself? FFS!

[Mightybanhammer]

Thing with cleaner rectified. I realise I have been trying to micro manage from a distance and have come across all wrong. Plus, it turns out she has been arranging this sort of thing for a long while, without me realising. She is a valuable ally.

In another part of the forest, Mother seems to have completely lost it. Melted a whole block of butter in the microwave, wrapped some food in an apron and put in fridge, and turned oven on with plastic bowl inside

All a remarkably sudden deterioration. Have made arrangements to keep her safe as far as poss with carers. Now care home shopping. The joy.

I am not a medic or a psychie but I did a bit of googling ( I know I know) - the article 'the aging narcissist' is her to a Tee. Explains a lot of discrepancies why she flits from being normal for 87 to completely ga ga.

[picklemepopcorn]

Ooh, I'd better look that up...

[Fortysix]

There is definitely comfort to be had from reading a description that matches...
Experienced nurses and carers have told us to expect a dip and then a plateau then another dip then a plateau. That also bears true.
Are you looking at care homes near where you live or near her home?

[picklemepopcorn]

That was so cruelly written. And so perceptive. The comments underneath were fascinating,y familiar.

That terror of death.... mum refused to work with Dad to prepare a will, power of attorney, funeral etc, when he tried to do it all about 10 years ago. They had to leave an appointment with a financial planner or will writer or some such, because she got hysterical. I hate that word, but it's the only one that fits.

The whole length of dad's illness, he didn't get to plan or prepare or talk about it because she wouldn't countenance h8m not getting better. Despite the terminal diagnosis.

Wow.

[Mightybanhammer]

Pickle - glad the article was useful.
forty- near to her as that is where she will get most visitors. Relieving the burden on me.

Though if she continues to deteriorate it hardly matters where she is I suppose.

I can't sleep tonight,

[Adarajames]

I don't have any wise words but I also can't sleep and send empathy on loss of a much loved dog, and hugs if you'd like them ((you))

[MachineBee]

I wouldn’t dismiss moving her to near you. As she deteriorates there will be fewer visitors anyway. And just because she’s near you doesn’t mean you have to visit more than if she wasn’t but it will help you with shorter travelling. Besides, it will be you the home calls when she needs more pants, has a fall, need a signature on a form etc.