Christmas Holiday away with elderly in laws

[IrishPixie]

Mumsnet

Talk Elderly

Help!

Firstly I do not get on with my In laws. Especially not my father in law. I am 38, they are in their late 70s.

We booked to go away (me, my husband and the 3 kids) this Christmas and they have booked the same place !!! So we are in our own accommodations but a stones throw from each other!

They will expect us to provide the Xmas day and boxing day dinners. They won't contribute financially, they won't help with preparation, the certainly won't help clear up afterwards and they will spend the whole afternoon sleeping and snoring in our lounge. And this is just the 2 main days! The rest of the week they will be popping over (no doubt empty handed) for morning coffee and afternoon tea and cake.

My father in law is deaf so I will spend the whole time repeating myself and dying of boredom from his never ending conversations regarding motorbikes and gardening.

My kids, age 10, 8 and 6 aren't that fond of them and are already asking me why we have to go on holiday with Nanna and Gramps and it's still only your August !

I am dreading it all !

I would cancel it op. No point feeling like this. Did they ask ?

Cancel cancel cancel but don't tell them.

You've not said why you don't get on with them, and TBH I wouldn't expect guests to contribute financially to dinner. Annoying that they're crashing your holiday, but they obviously want to spend Christmas with their son, DIL and grandchildren. Would they be alone otherwise? Your complaints are that your FIL is deaf (hardly his fault) and they'll pop over "empty handed". It's Christmas - I think you should be s but more charitable towards your husband's parents (unless you're going to do a massive drip feed about them being violent abusers)

Agent the OP hasn't invited her PIL for Christmas meals (or even on the holiday) - they will expect to be hosted. That is quite different from feeding invited guests. And they will expect morning coffee and cake every day without ever reciprocating. My DPs are that age and they would lavish food/drink/love on any occasion they came to at mine. It doesn't sound like OP's in laws will do any of this.

Yep sounds like my in laws! Whenever we holiday with them we have to do all the hard work and pay for every single thing. I've actually vowed not to allow it to happen again, and I'm afraid there's no way I would be letting them do that to me at Christmas - been there done that and learnt my lesson!

So you booked to get away from them so you could have a lovely relaxing christmas and they hunted you down fund out where you were staying and booked it as well?

Which idiot told them where you were going? How does your DH feel about it? If he's happy, then Plan B would be for him to look after them, do everything and do it all in the knowledge that his wife and his children are Not Happy.
Plan C would be to let him spend Christmas with his parents and you stay at home with the kids. Plan D would be to rebook somewhere else and not tell PIL.

Morning Agent Provocateur

Thanks for your response to my post.
The reason I don't get on with my father in law is because he is an opinionated argumentarive, strong willed man who has always had his own way and was never challenged until I came along and had the balls to stand up to his bullying of the family.

We didn't invite them. We booked it alone. They liked the sound of where we were going when we mentioned we had booked to go away. They looked it up, found a vacant property and booked it too.

Being deaf you're right isn't his fault - but it would help greatly if he wore the VERY expensive hearing aids supplied by our fabulous NHS but chooses not to because he is ridiculous.

They are not going to host 7 in their 1 bedroom / sleeps 2 accommodation and will make the assumption they are coming to our cottage for Xmas lunch without a single thought to offer to contribute towards the shopping bill.

And if they ASKED if they could pop over for coffee or afternoon tea and maybe brought some cake or biscuits with them instead of just pitching up and gobbling all my food I might soften a bit towards them.

If it helps, my husband and I have been together 18 years and I've had them 16 years on the trot for Xmas day and most Boxing Days. My husbands brother (who lives in the same village as them whereas, we are an hour away) refuses to have them (surprised?!) so my husband feels guilty and we end up with them every year so they aren't on their own.

I booked going away in the hope I might escape them for one year. So that might explain why I'm so cross.

Sorry if you can't see this from my angle but thanks for standing up for them. You're obviously a very kind person.

In your position I would be very tempted to either cancel or to get your DH to tell them VERY firmly that you are having a year off from hosting and that was the reason you booked your place away.

That sounds awful. It's very presumptions of them to assume they can just join you. Can you cancel and go somewhere further afield where they can't follow?

Cancel or change your holiday

Or provide them with a shopping list, 'we thought you could get these bits for Xmas'

In your position, OP, I would cancel the holiday and book an alternative.

I let DH deal with MIL. I can't stand her and she stinks. (Smoker and doesn't shower or clean her clothes or teeth often). I usually retreat to upstairs and do mumsnet. But it's harder when away on hols.

I have to say make the most of them. I lost my mother and mil within 14 days just after xmas this year. My dm would just turn up at my house and it used to bug me at times but right now i wish she eould just rock up.

If you have had them for so many years then they prob see it as a tradition now they are 70 and have provided for there kids and now its time to give some good will back.

Suggest that they bring certain items of food with them. Or that they can come over for late afternoon evening for drinks and food. Make it an invite that way its clear they cant come over until that time

Yes cancel. Otherwise you are just going to have to grit your teeth. Tell them you've changed your mind and booked somewhere different and then book a single cottage in the middle of nowhere. They're clearly not going to pick up on subtleties and having hosted for that many years you do deserve a break.

I know this is a stock MN response but you've got a massive DH problem. Why does he think it's ok to inflict his DPs on you year after year when his DB, their own son, isn't expected to? If you can cancel this then I would do so.

What would happen if you cancelled ? Seems pointless spending a lot of money to go away at christmas to get away from inlaws - you may as well same your money and have them at home? Could you use the excuse you now have to work over christmas?

I would be tempted to cancel, but really this is something you have to talk to your husband about. How did they find out the exact location? They had no scruples about deciding to crack on with booking the same place. In future you will have to be vague!

As for making the most of them at Christmas, I am sorry but what do you think will happen when one of them passes on, the surviving parent will absolutely spend every Christmas thereafter with you. One Christmas to yourselves now is not being selfish.

What has your husband said about it? Is he bothered that they are going?

Its christmas a time for giving. If my dp felt like this towards my parents i would spend xmas with them and tell him to sort himself out. He never would we all get on really well

You tell your DH this will happen and you 100% expect his support.

You breezily say hello MIL and PIL. I booked Holiday cottage so I got a bit of a rest and break this year. I've ordered the Xmas dinner for 4. As you are coming it will be an extra £x to upgrade to the 6-8 version. I'll do that if you could let me have the difference. Obvs I'll have a lot of chores because of the DC so cd you and FIL please get the following and bring them down: crackers, napkins, cake, cheese board, gin - that would be great.

It will be lovely to have you with us to share it all. As we work so hard, we'd quite like to go to the races on 27th so if I leave a buffet lunch out woukd you baby sit the DC.

I get you I hosted Xmas for 16 years and eventually said "look I can't do this, at home, I was ill last year. Next year we're booking a cottage an hour from them and they can come from 24th-27th along with crackers, cake, pud, etc. It was absolutely lovely and we said we'd do it every year. FIL died v suddenly that summer. So that Xmas we had Xmas lunch at a restaurant rather than stare at the empty chair.

MIL still comes for a week at Christmas and expects full maid service. I take less notice now.

OP I'm afraid you've made the rod already lively and I really sympathise. You won't get rid of the rod now but you will find ways of making it more comfortable and less of a burden and it does get a bit easier when the DC get older and you need to do less for them and they can help more.

We're at the stage now where I suspect this year may be the last when she can come on the train and we will have an 8 hour round trip and possibly we might not have many Christmases left.......

@Irishpixie, your second post puts a different slant on things. Given that you've done it for 16 years AND there a brother, YANBU. (See - I'm not really that nice! )

What does your DH think? I'd tell them they are not welcome and change your plans (but don't give them any information).

It's very rude to intrude on your holiday this way.

You need to think which things they really want and make them responsible for bringing them. They like wine - they bring wine while you down your secret gin stash . They like cake - you're trying to cut down so only have one type and when it is gone it has gone. Next year make sure you book a surprise trip for dh somewhere so he doesn't know and can't tell. Yes it is good to support them but after 16 years you deserve a year off. Oh and dh must be responsible for hosting/ fair share cooking/ prep etc.

I never get why when an OP is being treated with a total lack of care, respect and consideration why posters demand that they rise above this and must lavish patient and endless, self sacrificing enabling in turn. They may not look for any reciprocation or relief for themselves. I can't help feeling it's a left over from a cultural time where a good DiL sucked up endless crap for the sake of husband and children.

Stuff that, that isn't being kind or good, that's being a doormat.

a) how did they find out where you were going? That's a mistake you and dh need to make sure can't happen again!

b) after 16 years you're entitled to say 'look, we booked this holiday because Irish needs a rest this year and a break from hosting Christmas, so this is going to be Different To Usual. Our plans are that we're going to enjoy the place and not do much at all. So it's lovely you'll be around, but this break is a rest for us. We won't be able this year to make Christmas dinner for you or host meals - happy to meet you at a restaurant a couple of times and we can split costs - but we're going to chill out.' And sign post them to a good M&S food locally, or a restaurant or pub that does Christmas dinner/boxing day dinner.

c) the pulling of the 'one day you'll be sorry' card is just plain shutting the OP down. She's entitled to have feelings and to enjoy Christmas too. (Particularly after 16 years of putting herself last.)

So here's the thing.

We went to this place last summer and it was lovely. Its a small town surrounded by beautiful countryside with plenty of places to drive to and entertain the kids.
We of course came home and shared our holiday and it came up in conversation that we thought it would be a lovely quiet place to spend Christmas. They then found it on the Internet and "surprise" booked it too without telling us until afterwards. The only slight silver lining is that they didn't know the dates we booked, just that we would be there for Xmas Day and Boxing Day so we are only actually there together for 5 days instead of the full week.

Cancelling is sadly not an option. It would just cause far too much agro.

My in laws treat us like a restaurant. I say I am doing Xmas lunch for 1pm and invite them to come from 11am onwards to see the children open their gifts and have a glass of wine etc but they turn up as late as possible when the food is actually on the table usually. They watch me cook, serve, eat and clear away each course and then just plonk themselves down on the sofa waiting for the kettle to go on and frowning that the TV shouldn't allowed to be on over Christmas! I will also mention they insist on being waited on. I loudly pronounce "dig in / help yourselves" to everyone but they wait to be served by me or my husband !! They won't do anything with the children, play a game etc or come out for a walk. Then later on in the day up I jump again to get the tea ready and they get waited on again. I have and do ask for a hand but my MIL does it very begrudgingly and my FIL won't lift a finger.

As for my husband, well he knows what they're like and he does see where I'm coming from but they are his parents and as many of you have said, they aren't going to be around forever. I think we are just stuck in Christmas Groundhog Day and it won't change.

My husbands brother doesn't get on with his parents and a few years ago.I summoned up all my courage to talk to him about Christmas. He said they never really know what they're doing as his wife has a big family and we obviously like having them so he just let's us.

Some years I have left and left and left inviting them to the last minute in the hope my husband brother might realise they aren't going anywhere but it doesn't work. 3 years ago we left it until 24th December ! They obviously didn't have a better offer.

I had a magical upbringing and it was on a very loose rotation with both sets of grandparents and my aunts and uncles. All the cousins grew up really close, whichever side of the family you did Xmas day with, you did the other side on Boxing Day. Nobody ever fell out and it was totally fair.