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Elderly parents
Original poster

Christmas Holiday away with elderly in laws

58 replies

IrishPixie · 30/08/2017 07:48

Mumsnet

Talk Elderly

Help!

Firstly I do not get on with my In laws. Especially not my father in law. I am 38, they are in their late 70s.

We booked to go away (me, my husband and the 3 kids) this Christmas and they have booked the same place !!! So we are in our own accommodations but a stones throw from each other!

They will expect us to provide the Xmas day and boxing day dinners. They won't contribute financially, they won't help with preparation, the certainly won't help clear up afterwards and they will spend the whole afternoon sleeping and snoring in our lounge. And this is just the 2 main days! The rest of the week they will be popping over (no doubt empty handed) for morning coffee and afternoon tea and cake.

My father in law is deaf so I will spend the whole time repeating myself and dying of boredom from his never ending conversations regarding motorbikes and gardening.

My kids, age 10, 8 and 6 aren't that fond of them and are already asking me why we have to go on holiday with Nanna and Gramps and it's still only your August !

I am dreading it all !

OP posts:
paq · 30/08/2017 13:05

Cancel
Cancel
Cancel

Show your DH how much you hate the role he has forced you into.

I had a similar issue and put my foot down two years ago. It was surprisingly easy (I was dreading the fallout) and Christmasses have been bliss ever since.

Cancel
Cancel
Cancel

BiddyPop · 30/08/2017 13:07

That sounds hard.

Can you make changes this year as you are in a different place?

So, do you want Christmas dinner at lunchtime, or as the DCs are getting older, would it be nice as an evening meal?

In the afternoon (regardless of dinner timing), why not agree that you (DH, DCs and you I mean) are all going out for a walk to X place - and just go, lock the door, and PILs will have to go back to their accommodation. (You are going for an ENERGETIC walk).

Decide where you want to go for different days, so when they turn up for morning coffee or afternoon tea, you aren't actually there or are on your way out the door. Because you are on your holidays that you booked because it was so nice and you want to go out and enjoy them. Maybe suggest that you can call over to them later on your way back for the afternoon tea or even the evening meal, and that you will really be looking forward to it after all that fresh air (or whatever).

Arrange to go out for dinner one evening and have a table for 4 booked, or tickets for the local panto, or whatever.

Basically, take back the power.

You are making your own plans and they will just have to fit in with those as they were not invited. This is YOUR family holiday and YOUR family Christmas, and they can be part of it but on your terms for a change.

And yes, they definitely need to be put in charge of various elements (while having what you want done in the background - like your kind of gin or a nice bottle of bubbles or a specific cheese).

In fact, as you will be in accommodation that is not familiar, and won't cater for 6, they will need to bring certain elements with them or they cannot happen (like FIL's favourite veg dish or MILs favourite sauce). And it is up to them to make sure that there is enough crockery for them too - as you booked a place for 4 people and that was all you expected to feed.

BiddyPop · 30/08/2017 13:08

And if they turn up late, go ahead and start without them.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/08/2017 13:24

just go, lock the door, and PILs will have to go back to their accommodation it's one idea but I would be surprised if OP could see that through.

blueskyinmarch · 30/08/2017 13:30

How about booking Christmas lunch at a restaurant for you and your family without telling them? Their faces would be priceless when they realised you weren't providing food for them.

fuzzyfozzy · 30/08/2017 13:36

I was going to say book a meal out or get your husband to do the waiting on.
Could you change your dates more so that you're just overlapping by less days?

pradathescammer · 30/08/2017 13:37

@agent

They don't want to spend xmas with their DGC at all, they want a free easy dinner or else they'd offer to host/take their family out to read.

Just because they are elderly doesn't mean they can get away with that.

fiftyval · 30/08/2017 13:38

Sounds awful OP.
If you really can't cancel then if possible book your Christmas Dinner out and don't tell them until you have checked with the venue that they are fully booked.
It might be worth looking at the terms and conditions of the rental to see if you are even allowed any guests at all if it takes you over the occupancy level.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 30/08/2017 14:00

You're a very patient person OP.

The only thing I can suggest is letting dh know he's doing the majority of catering and housekeeping this Christmas since you planned to be on holiday this year. An awful lot seems to fall on you.

OliviaBenson · 30/08/2017 14:14

You really can cancel. You need to cause this upset in order to get them to realise that their behaviour is appalling. You hoping every year has got you precisely nowhere.

This is incredibly rude of them and I would be putting my foot down now.

OliviaBenson · 30/08/2017 14:15

Ps if you don't say anything now then that will be it. Any future arrangements they will simply add themselves to.

MorrisZapp · 30/08/2017 14:21

The problem is your husband. They're his parents, why does the catering fall to you? If he wants them there, he has to do the work.

Pallisers · 30/08/2017 14:23

honestly I would cancel and take the agro or cancel and do xmas at home as usual because that will actually be easier for you.

It isn't fair on your children either - every christmas is dominated by these 2 sitting there stressing out their mother (and presumably their father).

If you do get stuck again (and I suspect you will), simply don't serve them. Put the food on the table or wherever, say, help yourselves and then get your own dinner and sit down.

Deemail · 30/08/2017 14:27

You could say the accommodation owners cancelled
This isn't your bil responsibility anymore than it is yours, you're choosing to have them hoping he may step in. He's choosing not to have them and doesn't have an issue if they're alone
It's up to your dh to find a compromise, either tell his parents the holiday is only for yourselves or explain to them you won't be catering around the clock.
He (and you) can make excuses all you want that they won't be around forever but neither might any of you plus your kids get one childhood and you have a finite number of Christmases with them. If you want to spend occasional ones alone with them you shouldn't feel guilted into having your in-laws every single year.

Gentlygrowingoldermale · 30/08/2017 14:46

IrishPixie I'm so sorry for you - ignore posters who don't appreciate your position, total opposite to ours by the way.

I'm 80 and deaf. Nothing annoys me more than deaf people who refuse to wear aids that will help those around them. I consider it my responsibility to help others cope with my lack of hearing. All of which doesn't help you.

Suggestions. Tell the kids they can open their presents as soon as you are all up.

Do Christmas lunch as a sort of buffet - timed to suit yourself. Leave on the side (carve what ever bird you're having) and let your family help themselves. The difference with us, is that the food is put in dishes on the table and we help ourselves.

Talk to your DH. Tell him you're doing lunch, but after sixteen years, this time, he's responsible for all refreshments and tea later.

As MissHavish says, everything is falling on you. Within our childrens' families Mums/Nanna either take a back seat on Christmas morn or do it together as a family - most of our grandkids are old enough to help.

Time to start a tradition in your family - Mum's day off (even though I dislike such gender stereotyping) you have to start somewhere.

All the best to you.

Piratesandpants · 30/08/2017 14:52

If you don't want to cancel then your DH needs to say to them that you booked the holiday for a year off hosting. He then needs to organise meals for Xmas day.
Stand your ground - no hosting

TheABC · 30/08/2017 14:55

Either cancel the holiday or book a resturant. If they want to come along, they can pay. Spend a large portion of thr day out to avoid the maid service element.

Cabininthewoods69 · 30/08/2017 21:32

I hope my children arent as selfish. I love spending time with my family and more importantly so do my children. Couldnt imagine telling them there not seeing grandads at xmas

Ginslinger · 30/08/2017 21:41

what's selfish about having hosted Christmas for 16 years with no input from the parents?

Pallisers · 30/08/2017 21:50

I hope my children arent as selfish.

you mean you hope YOU aren't as selfish when you are old - that like many many older people you understand that if you visit someone you contribute, help, make an effort, be a good guest, make the people who are hosting you glad you came.

not sit there like a lump expecting to be served, complaining about the tv, and contributing nothing. Because if you take that route it is quite likely your children will be "selfish" and not want you around - even if they suck it up and still have you because they are too kind not to.

My parents and my MIL were/are lovely guests, funny, contributing, thankful, delightful. Being old doesn't mean you have to be a freeloading bore.

DancesWithOtters · 30/08/2017 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

namechangedforthisreply · 30/08/2017 21:59

Sounds awful! Can they be told to cancel?

Piratesandpants · 31/08/2017 12:29

Cabin - op has hosted Xmas for 16 years. Hardly selfish.

BiddyPop · 31/08/2017 13:08

Cabin, if you have hosted your DPILs for 16 years, and effectively not been allowed to have your own nuclear family relaxed Christmas making your own traditions, and now want either DBIL to step up or DPILs to look after themselves while you have booked to GO AWAY in order to have your own nuclear family Christmas before the DCs get too old and don't want to be at home (as in, with their DPs) for it anymore - is that not allowed?

Without having the same DPILs, who don't lift a finger to help but let the OP do all the running around and not even making her Christmas in any way more festive or relaxed, chase the OP down the road ?

Some families do have a great dynamic, and can all work together to make such occasions great.

But many families do not, and it is very very unfair for 1 person to continually have to suck it up, and when they make an effort to look after themselves and their own immediate family (their DH and DCs that is) for once, they ought to be allowed to have that time for themselves.

Tentomidnight · 31/08/2017 13:43

If you can't cancel, book Christmas Dinner at a restaurant. Or tell DH that he is cooking and you will do drinks. And that he can tell PIL that they are on washing up duty.
Am angry on your behalf just thinking about this. I may be U but I would be cancelling and (DH) telling them why. So rude of them to invite themselves along!