Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[CMOTDibbler]

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

[cardibach]

My dad is 95. We lost mum almost a year ago and he is very lonely. 'We' means me, my sister, my daughter and my 2 nieces. DD is away at University, but my nieces are older and live locally. We try to visit as much as possible. He was ill over the summer and spent 6 weeks in a care home but is home now with careers 3 times a day. I work long hours (out of the house for 12 hours most days) and work Saturday mornings too, so I find scheduling in visiting quite difficult - which causes guilt. My sister has gone part time (for reasons unconnected with dad) but I don't want to feel I'm leaving it all to her. He's quite a difficult man and age isn't really mellowing him...
Our main issue is that he feels he sleeps poorly (has for as long as I can remember) and tries to solve it by drinking in the night when he wakes. He gets through loads of whisky, which wouldn't be an issue except it makes him fall in the night sometimes.
I feel a constant mix of worry, guilt and exasperation.
Glad I've found this board.

[CMOTDibbler]

Just back from taking mum to the care home. Shes as happy as Larry! It seems like a really nice place, and apparently she is looking forward to 'looking at the water' (fishtank) and going in the garden (v nice courtyard with lovely plants, plenty of seating etc).
I didn't get to see dad, but apparently he is a lot better than this morning - but that wasn't very good at all. Will go tomorrow

Welcome Cardibach

[thesandwich]

Oh cmot- I am so glad your mum is happy. Hope your dad is doing ok- at least you can tell him your DM is ok. Could thus place be a solution for both of them?
Cardibach, welcome. But please don't take on too much- you have a lot on so don't over commit. Self maintenance is a mantra here. Your sister has made her choices. And you are not responsible for your df's happiness. Repeat, repeat.

[cardibach]

Thanks thesandwich. Sister's work choice is for her own health, not to look after dad, but I don't want to feel I'm not doing my bit! You're right though - I can only do what I can do. I ring (almost) every day.

[CMOTDibbler]

I don't think it would be a solution for both of them as its not a nursing home - the district nurses will go and do mums injections, but dad has so many things wrong with him that I think he'd need nursing care longer term. And it is a dementia care unit which dad doesn't need right now. Wheras if I manage to persuade him to move, the nursing home where I live is 5 mins from me, 2 mins from the GP/community hospital (the hospital, council offices and home were all built at the same time on the same site) and a 5 min scoot into town so he could have independance. Or there are sheltered flats round the corner.

You'd be glad to know that in the true spirit of the SSC, my brother didn't even ask which care home mum is in when dh messaged him to let him know what was going on.
I otoh was given a good dose of guilt from all sides apart from the care home yesterday. Because of course I should have my phone on me at all times, ready to drop everything and care for someone who has no idea who I am for an indefinate amount of time, and be present at the hospital for other parent. No one ever asks him that.

Bless her, mum was in a chatty mood (for her) and asked me terribly politely in the car 'what did I do for work' and 'did I have any children'. Breaks my heart having to pretend I'm just a friend and answer cheerily

[cardibach]

CMOT that must be really hard. Mum had started down the dementia rad when she died, and I found the repeated conversations difficult enough. She always knew who I was, though it sometimes took her a few minutes to realise.

[CMOTDibbler]

Thanks Cardibach, it is so hard. And weird that I have to call her and dad by their names.

Just called the home, and she has a friend already! She's had a walk round, breakfast in the location of her choice and is now sitting in another ladies room watching tv. She can go to church later if she chooses as its just across the garden and they go to an afternoon service with anyone who wants.

Now, mission impossible: how many calls will it take to get through to dads ward?

[whataboutbob]

Thinking of you CMOT. Welcome cardibach. Dementia varies a lot doesn't it? I don't think Dad knows who I am now, when I visit he looks at me as it to say "I know I've seen you before, but who are you?". He can't really ask as he's lost most of his ability to talk(and doesn't seem that bothered). CMOT you are respecting your parents' wishes, your Dad wants to continue feeling he's making the decisions and you are honouring that, at a huge personal cost.

[CMOTDibbler]

Thanks Bob. Am now a bit worried (and as a veteran of hospital admissions with them, this is something). Managed to get through to the unit he was on last night, and he's been moved to the neuroscience ward. I know this isn't the stroke unit as thats another ward. Not good I think. Trying to get through to them...

[CMOTDibbler]

panic over, neuro was the only place with a bed. V nice nurse tells me he has atrial fibrillation, pneumonia and all his usual problems. Off to visit!

[Sosidges]

Sending hugs to you all. I lost my parents this year so no more worries on that score for me. I was in a cafe recently and a lady asked the person she was with, "Are you related to me" She had such a lump in her throat when she replied that she was her daughter. I really wanted to say something comforting, but I did not like to intrude.

[whataboutbob]

Gosh sosidges that must have been hard for the daughter. CMOT I hope it goes well with your Dad. I hope this isn't too schmaltzy/ inappropriate but one day it will be all over and I hope you will have no regrets/ guilt because you have always been there for them.

[thesandwich]

Oh cmot- hope your dad is well looked after and picks up- if he can understand that your DM is happy in respite that's a big plus.
S@@@ siblings club......... unbelievable aren't they? I find it incredible to believe we are related at all sometimes- well,often.
Cmot- please take some time out for you for essential maintenance. And I know it is so hard when you can see what would be a much better option near you but they do not agree.

[Badders123]

Oh cmot
Must be so, so hard
Things here pootling along...I made her an appt and mum went to dr on Friday re arm and shoulder pain but as yesterday was my b day I didn't ask her about it til today
Dr sending her for x rays and her friend has already said she will take her so that's one less job...
School break up for half term on Friday and the DC and I might hibernate for the whole week!!

[ZaZathecat]

Sorry to hear of your latest troubles CMOT. I've been busy on my own thread about getting dm into a home, and you've been so supportive, that I haven't been following everyone else here. Mum's booked in from Wednesday but I'll immediately have to launch into Project Find a Cheaper Home to avoid her running out of money in record time. Hoping to get a little breather after Wednesday though. I feel like I've been holding my breath for a few weeks now.
Hope your dps get sorted soon, and glad your dm likes the home.

[CMOTDibbler]

Sosidges, my mum sometimes talks about her daughter to me - today she told me she'd being doing her 'book' that her daughter had brought in - and I bite back the tears every time.

Dad is terribly breathless and on continous heart monitoring as its still an issue, and is on IV antibiotics still. His legs look terrible - blistered and weeping so must ask about the tissue viability team tomorrow.

Mum is very happy! I think she's enjoying that she can sit in the big lounge, smaller ones or in her own room as she chooses and can wander round. Ds went out to talk to the rabbits which made him happy - I otoh realised that I was 20 years too young to be visiting a parent looking at the other visitors

Fingers crossed for your mums move on Wednesday Zaza

[thesandwich]

Oh CMOT I am so sorry about your mum not knowing you-and your poor dad sounds in a bad way.
ZaZa good luck with the search and the move.
Today spent taking DM out and trying not to let the tide of negativity overwhelm me. And visit fil with dh- poor chap is in a bad way,hardly awake and not eating hardly anything. He made sense when he did speak-and a better colour than of late-but how long can you live without eating? He drinks- but that's it. to all.

[Helenluvsrob]

How is everyone ?

I've snuck back. It's 6 months since dad died and I miss the old bugger like mad even though he didn't know who I was for a couple of years.

Face book reminded me that a year ago we went to the safari park. The last long day out he managed.

[Helenluvsrob]

CMOT much hugs. I was 20yrs too young too. I never did find out why my parents were in their 40s when they had us. There are some older mums on the site at the moment and I want to tell them it's bloody unfair- even if they live till 80-90 their own kids will be at peak work / children stretch when they need care themselves.

[CMOTDibbler]

Sandwich, is FIL getting nutritional drinks, or is it just water?

Helen - my parents weren't that old - mum was 32 when she had me, I was 33 when I had ds. She's only 75 now - her peers are skipping round the world on long holidays and FIL goes to the gym every day. Not that I'm bitter!

I forgot to say that I thought dad would shout at me about mum going to respite, but he was actually fine about it. He asked a million times about how we'd go about getting her out, but accepted he needed to be home for a night before we did that.

[Badders123]

Hello Helen
Has it really been 6 months?
Well...managed to get mum an appt for her chest x ray tomorrow afternoon - her friend is taking her
Sorted her repeat prescription out for later in the week. Only one thing I couldn't order yet. Mum not happy. Tried to explain it's because it's a measured pump (inhaler) so the system won't let you order another til we your other one has run out.
As I'm the one who orders the meds and picks them up I fail to see how it ANY way inconveniences her 🙄😳😀
She seems quite low - this could be her normal winter blues of course.
She has decided against the new kitchen til next year (which I'm rather relieved about)
Hope everyone else is ok, and that your dad continues to improve cmot.

[Bowednotbroken]

Thank you Bob and ColdFeet - much appreciated. I'm not driving those distances though - can't drive very far due to arthritis myself! Train and taxi. Can drive to mum's but can't do a great deal while I'm there which is frustrating. That non-recognition is so hard isn't it. My dad called me his sister at the weekend - and has previously referred to 'what Bowed brought' while I was there so that was sad. The saddest bit though was that he says he just wants to die - and I can quite see why. He is not always absent - sometimes he is completely lucid and knows exactly what is happening and the indignities that happen. He's sad and miserable. Refusing to eat most of the time like Sandwich's dad - so yes how long can you last without eating?

[permanentlyexhaustedpigeon]

Hi all, and hope your dad continues to improve cmot.

Spent this morning with Dad, who was all over the shop - he seemed pleased enough to see me but seemed much more happy to see an agency nurse he said he'd known for years but who had only just arrived at the hospital! I can never tell if visiting helps him or not - I don't think he knows either. Variously, I'm his wife, his sister, the priest, his dad (I don't look that masculine I don't think) and some random person who walked in.

Spent a very frustrating afternoon calling around care homes and my head hurts. The hospital and social services are clear that he needs nursing care and needs constant 1-1 supervision, with the proviso that he may be able to go home if his mental state improves (which it may or may not). Social Services say I need to find the nursing home.
Residential homes won't take him because he needs nursing care and say he should go to a nursing home. Nursing homes won't take him because he's too young and say he'd be better in a residential home. Nursing homes specialising in dementia say it wouldn't be good for him to stay there if he doesn't have dementia (I agree); the ones that don't can't accommodate a DOLS statement even on a temporary basis and can't take him because he wanders. Nobody from Social Services ever calls back and I feel very alone.

In the meantime, our bathroom has sprung a leak, there's a whacking great hole in our kitchen ceiling and everything is squished into the living room. There's not enough coffee in the world.... :(

[ColdFeetinWinter]

That scenario (trying to find a home) without help is what terrifies me. It feels such an important act to get right. Do you have a healthwatch organisation locally?

[CMOTDibbler]

Pigeon, that sounds like a Kafkaesque nightmare. I think for now I'd go for a dementia nursing unit as it meets his current needs - he might not have dementia, but he currently is functioning like he is and that determines where he needs to go. If he improves from there, you can find him somewhere else at that point.

Dad is out of hospital and on some new drugs (though I note that they aren't the best ones for his atrial fibrillation, but maybe its a double whammy for the heart failure too). I have a meeting tomorrow lunchtime, and then will go and collect mum and take her home. Social services say she could stay longer, but I want to show dad that she really does come home on time