Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[CMOTDibbler]

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

[Nittyb]

Step dad rang me asking who made the doctors appt, he was quite cross &. said Dr asked horrible questions ... I fudged it & didn't admit I made appt, i''m worried he won't let me give them the support I have been if he knows I did as he really doesn't think his memory is a problem ... Can I write to doctor & ask them to make sure he doesn't know I made appt ? I can't risk not being able to see mum, really worried now...

[bigTillyMint]

Oh Nitty

When I was worried about DM, the GP's surgery wouldn't let me make an appointment for her without her consent/she had to make the appointment. So I had to have that difficult conversation with her.

In your case, I would continue to feign ignorance to your step-dad. Definitely worth a try asking the GP to also play along. Do you think he will really ask? And do you think they will really know who made the appointment (surely any of the receptionists could have taken your call, or would the GP definitely know?)

And surely the GP has a duty of care to your DM - if your step-dad is clearly struggling, then surely they should be investigating or she could be at risk?

[permanentlyexhaustedpigeon]

Hi everyone, mind if I join?

Dad is back in hospital (have started another thread about this) and it's wearing me out. He was hallucinating when he was admitted and now has no idea where he is. He looked for a while as if he might not survive, so now everyone's celebrating and telling me I must be so pleased: but it feels like visiting a stranger as there is almost nothing of 'himself' left. Nobody has the slightest idea what's wrong with him and it may - or may not - be that he'll be like this for the rest of his life, which is a horrible thought. My mum died of cancer three years ago and I have no brothers or sisters, so it's all up to me.

DH can tell when I've been to the hospital as I'm getting very depressed and have frequent nightmares. I'm normally pretty good in a crisis but this is wearing me down a lot.

That's really useful information about the Attendance Allowance, Mirabelle, I had no idea.

[bigTillyMint]

pigeon.
I get the nightmares too, but mainly from phone calls with DM as I am 200 miles away.

Just looked at your other thread - that sounds terrible. You really do need to get someone to take the lead, and make it very clear that you are not available to look after/support him at home (unless you really want to) otherwise they may discharge him with no forward plan. Shit situation.

[MoreElderlyParentWoes]

Hello again and hi, Pigeon

I haven't contributed for a while, but I have been reading. It's comforting, in a way, to know that others are living through similar things.

Today has been trying in the extreme. I drove miles out of my way to take my mother to an event, which she declared wasn't very good. I picked up some shopping for her, but apparently it was the wrong thing. Inexplicably, the bank have locked her cashpoint card and this is such a disaster that she wants to kill herself. I really don't know how to cope with her constant negativity and rage against the world, all of which she sends in my direction. She has no conception at all of how exhausting it is for me.

I'm just venting. I know that many of you are dealing with all of this and worse.

and for everyone.

[ColdFeetinWinter]

Hi. Can I join. Currently caring for my parents. Mum...pretty grim childhood due to her behaviour. It's so hard to say these things but she was just unpleasant. No idea why but she didn't want you to be happy. It's as if she resents everyone in her life.
As an adult I managed to put boundaries in place and sort my own life.
Now she has dementia and that side of her is taking over again. She is emotionally blackmailing everyone with her health, really vile to my Dad, completely egocentric and totally confused and unable to cope but blames everyone else for everything. It's so hard to care for someone you don't like.

I visit because I'm worried about my dad. She's going to kill him running him ragged. Part of me feels he should have stood up to her in the past and because of that I can not feel responsible but at the same time I can't just back off.

I'm staying with them through a patch of illness as mum can't cope and dad too ill to care for her. She is being horrible to everyone and I'm here to vent rather than let rip at home!!!
I think dreadful thoughts about her health - she moans constantly but tbh seems fitting fit apart from the confusion whereas my dad seems exhausted and unwell. A crisis looms I think

[ColdFeetinWinter]

And breathe

[MoreElderlyParentWoes]

Hello ColdFeetInWinter.

I'm sending you waves of solidarity and a supportive hand squeeze. Your mother sounds very like mine (although I don't think mine has dementia) and my childhood sounds rather like yours. I very clearly remember, decades ago, my father commenting that my sibling (the golden child) was the only person in the household my mother liked. There are many incidents in my childhood that belong on the stately homes thread and, if I were to post in Relationships, I would be advised to go no contact, but (at the end of the day) I can't do that to a lonely and isolated old person.

I am having a weekend off from caring duties and returning to the fray in the week. How much longer will you stay with your parents? Are you far from home? Do you have a partner with you or friends nearby you can meet for coffee and decompression? I feel your pain.

[ColdFeetinWinter]

I've just left actually as tbh her reaction to my presence was worse for my dad than not being there and dad fending for himself. He's one day post op, not well but she is resentful of him getting attention and deliberately waking him, angry and unpleasant and moaning about everything. Everyone runs around her trying to fix things but nothing will fix it. It's as if she needs the power of controlling everyone whilst also making us know we have failed.

So I've left. I feel sorry for my dad but it isn't helping me being there.

Ditto re no contact. If it wasn't for Dad I probably would. It would be healthier than seeing her and holding dark thoughts about her longevity.

30 mins from home so close enough to head back as required. No partner but I do have a close friend. Right now I'm just enjoying my own guilt free sofa!!

[ColdFeetinWinter]

Last weekend I didn't do anything (very unusual) and it was amazing. The whole weekend to myself.

Do you ever worry about whether this relationship dynamic will be repeated with your children?

[MoreElderlyParentWoes]

Yes, I have spent some time pondering that.

I don't want to behave towards my child the way my mother behaved towards me and am very very careful not to. One of the reasons I still try to support my mother is that I want to show my child that one can try to be kind towards someone who isn't being (and has never really been) kind to you (to rise above it) but I do have a niggling worry that this is also showing that one can be on the receiving end of an endless stream of nastiness. I'm aware that I'm putting up with things that would be intolerable coming from anyone else.

[thesandwich]

Hello all. Sorry to hear all the struggles- please vent away- say the unsayable.it is tough. The negativity etc is incredibly hard also the memories of childhood too.... it is so important yo find ways to nurture ourselves and try and protect..... but it ain't easy.
Here fil is out of hospital but eating nothing and asleep most of the time- poor chap. 8 years post stroke. More infections. Feel like he has had enough. Care home are good so that helps- but it is sad.

[ColdFeetinWinter]

It is amazing to join this thread and recognise the posts. To see others describe what I'm experiencing makes me feel a bit more grounded when I feel like I'm about to be overwhelmed.

I was married for 21 yrs - counselling has helped me unravel why I stayed in an abusive relationship and it's linked to my mum. It makes me question my parenting of my children because I feel this affected so much of my life. As I said I'd moved on. Dementia is taking me back

[whataboutbob]

Welcome coldfeet and morelderly. I must say you both sound very grounded and kind, despite the c..p your mothers have thrown at you. I hope you both had elderly parent free weekends and enjoyed them entirely free of guilt. I had a difficult relationship with my father and left home at 15 in great part to get away from him, then my mum died when I was in my 20s so when Dad got dementia I was the only responsible adult on the scene. I also had 2 years of counseling as I was caving in under the stress. It was very helpful. I still have rages like dad and worry about the effect on my kids, altho it happens less these days.

[permanentlyexhaustedpigeon]

Hi coldfeet and morelderly. I can't imagine what it's like to cope with caring when you've not had a good relationship with your parents in the past to build on somehow.

The hospital have called a Best Interests meeting this afternoon to discuss Dad's ongoing care - still no official diagnosis and lots of conflicting information on what he is or isn't able to do. He recognises me sometimes but can't see what's in front of him and carries on imaginary conversations half the time. To cap it all we have a major leak in the bathroom and I'm coming down with the virus I've been trying not to get for weeks!

DD is really scared of him when he's 'acting weird' (not surprising) and I can't bear to think about Christmas - wherever he ends up I can't imagine either leaving him on his own, or bringing him back here for the day - I feel DD has been through enough. She's very clingy at the moment and faked an injury yesterday, insisting that she definitely needed to go to hospital (she didn't) - today she suggested that I ought to keep her home from school and not go to hospital..

I think we're both feeling the stress quite a lot.

[CMOTDibbler]

Pigeon, I think when it comes to Christmas you need to prioritise your dd. Your dad will be fine wherever he is, but your dd only gets a very few more christmas' as a child.

I just had to have a very firm conversation with my dad about him not going up a ladder to fix their flat roof! The man can't feel anything below the knee, and can't walk a metre without wheezing...

[thesandwich]

Oh pigeon. Sorry to hear about your dad. But I echo cmot - put your dd first at Christmas. And yourself. You and she deserve it.
Cmot- what is he like???? Astonishing!

[Bowednotbroken]

Hello everyone - may I join in please? My dad who has had dementia for some years, slowly increasing suddenly became really ill and had to go into hospital a few weeks ago and went downhill overnight - a really dramatic drop in cognition and lucidity. He slowly came back a little - and today was so much worse again. I'm just so sad. He's doubly incontinent and the nursing staff don't have time to sort him out as frequently as he needs, so is often sitting in wet pads/ pyjamas/sheets. It takes me almost two hours to get to see him - and then two hours back again but I do feel he gets better care when I'm around the hospital. Mum is very frail and can't visit or do much by herself anyway, so she needs visiting too - in a different direction of course! We are in the middle of proceedings to get him into a care home but it is just all so very sad. Had to take myself into the loo today to sob! Old age is just rubbish isn't it. Sorry that everyone is having such a struggle.

[thesandwich]

Hello bowed. Sorry you have to join. Your situation sounds really hard. Loads of wise folk on here to advise and offer sympathy and support. Try not to neglect your family and you too! [ flowers]

[permanentlyexhaustedpigeon]

Hugs Bowed

[Bowednotbroken]

Thank you thesandwich and pigeon. Much appreciate your kind wishes.

[whataboutbob]

Hello bowed. No one tells you that one day your parents will be frail, vulnerable and totally dependent, and it'll fall on your shoulders to make sure they're safe. When it does happen, the shock is horrid. You have all my sympathy it's a tough rite of passage. You are doing your best xxx

[CMOTDibbler]

Dad is back in hospital again, having been found collapsed by the district nurse this morning.
Social services are looking for a respite place for mum

Its just like a recurring nightmare where I don't know what to do for the best

[thesandwich]

Oh cmot I am sorry. What a difficult situation and so little you can do. And he wanted to fix the roof..... hope the district nurse can find somewhere decent for your mum, but it is really hard when they are in two different settings.

[ColdFeetinWinter]

Bowed I think having to drive that length of time for each visit would finish me. You poor thing

I totally agree about putting your child first at Christmas pigeon

My LPOA (for me) arrived today. My parents are focusing me on arranging things for my children.

CMOT I'm sorry to read that. It's my worst nightmare. A juggle of doing the right thing for them, finding a good place and coping with the emotional consequences and trying to work as well.