Thank you everyone. I had managed to put them to one side but the dysfunctional family issues had to be tackled at some point. I'm no pyschologist but a few times over the past few years I have felt overwhelmed without obvious cause and a couple of sleepless nights and a lot of thinking has helped me work out what the issue is and what I might do.
Like others I am unlikely to resolve the family issues. I suspect they have their roots way back in childhood. For whatever reason my relationship with my brother has got worse over the past couple of years. Whilst I am hoping for a thank you, he just seems to have got angrier, effectively blaming me for his lack of engagement.
I also suspect I am far from alone in feeling a level of resentment when faced with the "I am too busy so you need to do it" line. It implies somehow that my life and that of DH are so much less sucessful, that our time does not hold value.
Everyone is right on needing to engage a solicitor. The problem to date has been that an Attorney is not able to recharge these costs. DMs income far exceeds her outgoings (apologies to anyone who sees this as a supreme example of MN stealth boasting, others will be able to confirm that though money is useful it adds tensions and causes motives to be questioned. DH and I are certainly resolved to make sure that we do not pass similar problems on to our children) and has essentially doubled since I took over. Of every additional pound earned, 30p goes to my brother and 40p to the tax man, not providing a great incentive to start investing in legal costs. I had a go at trying to get her lawyer to provide advice on the basis that I was trying to tidy things up for probate (there will be a fairly hefty IH tax bill to pay, a concern given assets tied up in property) but no go. Not necessarily a bad thing. I was already underwhelmed at finding a number of my dad's bank accounts still open several years after his death, plus the lack of any attempt to restructure the asset portfolio. (I'm getting the vocabulary. It looks like I have been doing this for ages. Instead I like most people, have a mortgage, not savings and so have had a crash course in personal finance. Take a bow Martin Lewis and This is Money.)
The interesting thing about being an Attorney is that you are obliged to manage assets actively and that you are potentially criminally liable if you fail to carry out your duties properly. When I am in a complete funk this can feel like modery day slavery. More rationally having got so far, I am not going to run away from it all by writing to OPG and stepping down, but need to decouple and rationalise obligations to my mother, and what is effectively, management of her future estate. I don't want to give up the first. Back to the investment terminology, and assuming she lives a further 10 years, the NPV of 30% (eg my share) of the marginal return on active management is not worth my time.
I like CMOTs phrase "being obstructive by lack of response". There have already been a few decisions where my concern about being careful not to be perceived as taking advantage of my position have out-trumped mine and my mother's interests. For example I wanted to leave a property empty for me to use on trips, and to be available for wider family thus providing an incentive for wider family to visit. The reality is that, much as I wish that were not the case, wider family would not have used it, so it would have looked as if I were snaffling a rather delux second home for my own use. Instead we have ended up buying yet another property, paying my mother proper interest, so less liquidity, more income for her, more costs for us and yet another property to manage.
I am lucky that I have an approachable and practical accountant and conveyancing lawyer, but need to find a similar estate/attorney specialist who will hold my hand over decisions I need to make. I have not really had to use a lawyer before for anything other than buying property, and limited experience suggests that some are very very risk adverse. Not what you want when essentially you are paying for someone who will help off-load risks by endorsing decisions.
Not least my mother would genuinely like to use her surplus income to support charities dear to her and DFs heart and also those people and organsations which have helped her over the past few years. She can't spend it any other way. Yet under POA rules there does not seem to be a mechanism to allow this, and now no scope to add bequests to her Will. Though her memory is very poor so her capacity to make informed decisions is diminished, she is fine in the moment and consistent about this and about which charities she is interested in. I really hope we can find a way for her to give back.
One thing putting me off selling property was how much time it would take, plus the added responsibility of then having to manage the proceeds, but it needs to be done.
Silver linings have included the fact that we are now much more financially savvy ourselves (I now know what a SIPP is!) and that our own attitude to money has changed. Having enough is important, but there is nothing to admire in having too much.
Thank you everyone for allowing me my indulgence. I am essentially playing some form of bizarre Monopoly, whilst others are dealing with real and very difficult issues. Looking at the carers forum on Talking Point is a very swift way of bringing me back down to earth. Next project is finding a lawyer. Sugar, I have been asking contacts who will have had dealings with various local lawyers, but do you have any suggestions. Once I find a mechanism which allows me to move forward, I should be less irritated by DB.
DC are at an age where we are not sure whether they will come on holiday with us or make their own plans, so I am not sure that we plan to do much anyway. That can be next year's project.