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Elderly parents

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Original poster

Emigrating and Dmil can't come for 2 years

111 replies

Mosman · 01/05/2012 20:08

And doesn't want to leave her pension, she'd loose 25% of it if she leaves the UK.
She's not in the best of health at the moment and on that basis alone would struggle to gain entry, but that aside its a long trip, she wants to travel in comfort which she/we could not afford but I think she wants us to pay for business class for her whilst we travel cattle class due to her arthritis.
We are definitely going but I'm quite cross with her that her bloody pension is coming before being with her family but if we left her behind what would happen to her if she deteriates is there any provision for those with no immediate family? What are people's experiences with social services etc please ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mosman · 03/05/2012 18:37

*So she is expecting to go to and fro every year, business class, but can't afford it herself. And for your dh to stump up 250 quid a month while she's there - 6 m per year.

Or you apply for her to come and join you permanently in 2 years' time?*

That's exactly it.

She could come out once on our visa as part of the family but no that doesn't suit her.
So she would rather have DH pay for business class every six months.
If she comes out permanently her condition is that DH a) pays for business class whilst DH and I sit with our many children in normal class and b) he tops her pension to the tune of £250 a month, whilst she lives rent free, bill free in our home. And believe me she can fcuking eat.

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DontmindifIdo · 03/05/2012 18:38

Premimum economy - not as pricy as business class, leg room etc of business class. If it's just her health and not general grandure that she's worried about, that'll be the option.

She's an adult, she isn't your responsibility. Her behaviour when younger suggests she doesn't value family. You reap what you sow, if she's here and you're there, she can't have family look after her if she needs it in the future. If she needs care and there are no family around, social services will take over. She might end up in a care home earlier than she would if you were close by, once her savings have been used up, the state will pay. It's not ideal, but it's her choice, you shouldn't bully her to go with you so you won't feel guilty if she ends up in a home with noone visiting her.

Original poster

Mosman · 03/05/2012 18:38

I am NOT trying to force her to do anything more than realise the implications of staying on her own that's all.

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maxtrue · 03/05/2012 19:01

Just wanted to let you know about a friend who migrated to oz a few years ago - her dh was an ozzie she english and they had 2dc's. The mum was in her 70's and also on a teachers pension and I know they looked into her going over permanently also but I think there were a couple of issues 1) think pension was frozen 2) had something to do with paying for medical bills once she moved there - memory is shite sorry
In the end the old dear just did not want to go there for ever so she does the journey at least once a year for a couple of mths but I remember what struck me the most was she just did not want to leave UK - just wondering if thats why your mil is being difficult but wont come out and say it?? Its really hard but like most are saying its her choice.
I have the opposite my mum is in oz and I am here - she has said she wont come back again (came 2 yrs ago) as athritis etc is just too much for her and its a bloody awful journey!!! Even for us young uns...

Original poster

Mosman · 03/05/2012 19:08

I completely understand the land of snakes and spiders is not for everyone and yes I'm dreading the flights myself.
I think what she would like is me to say oh well then of you can't come on your terms then we'll forget all about it.
Or yes how awful of us not to pay £4,000 for your flight DH and I will swim over and put the savings towards topping up your percieved loses

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BenedictsCumberbitch · 03/05/2012 19:16

I think if I was your MIL I'd rather stay on my own in my own home rather than move anywhere to live with you OP. You haven't said one nice thing about her yet.

Original poster

Mosman · 03/05/2012 19:18

There's nothing nice to say. I haven't managed to see off 2 husbands, 4 children and get to 75 without a friend in the world.

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DontmindifIdo · 03/05/2012 19:36

Well, you aren't responsible for her, it's ok to go build your lives the way you want, she has made her choices before and is now living with the consequences, this is just another choice.

Don't sacrifice your dreams for someone who won't thank you for it. Make it clear you can't afford to pay for her to fly business class, so if that's what she wants she'll have to pay for it. Perhaps if you leave she might make more of an effort with her other DCs, or build some friendship networks. She's not too old to do it, she might be too stubbon

madwomanintheattic · 03/05/2012 19:38

When are you flying?

BenedictsCumberbitch · 04/05/2012 06:43

If there is nothing nice to say then surely you should be happy that the old witch isn't going to come with you no? If she means nothing to you then why does it matter that she wants to stay here?

Original poster

Mosman · 04/05/2012 07:27

She may be an old witch but she's our old witch. I just want anything bad to happen to her, I also don't want to be answering the phone to her in the middle of the night whining.

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ToothbrushThief · 04/05/2012 07:41

OP - she is an adult capable of making decisions. Let her.

You are resenting her manipulation of you to pay for travel that you can't afford and pension top up.

Put it to her - this is the deal - it's her choice whatever she decides. Yes you have to accept living with the worry but it might be the best choice for her.

Accept her choice.
My 85 yr old neighbour lives alone. She copes and is very independent.

Original poster

Mosman · 04/05/2012 08:15

She an adult of course she is but her decisions impact on other people, it's annoying that she doesn't care about that, if she didn't understand then it was important to ensure she did.

As it happens she's decided to come but after this thread bringing to light feelings and things I haven't thought of previously I'm not sure I want her son to come nevermind her.

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ToothbrushThief · 04/05/2012 08:20

Your decisions impact on her

You seem to want everyone to fall in line with you and your thoughts. You cannot make her think the way you want her to. All you can do is decide your own path

Jux · 04/05/2012 08:42

Try to take a step back, take some deep breaths and look for objectivity. Trite, I know, but your posts show how stressed you are, and I think that if you an find half an hour to just sit and be quiet, it will help.

I do applaud your sense of duty and obligation towards your MIL despite her unpleasantness.

I'm glad she's made a decision and I hope it doesn't impact too harshly on your ability to settle into your new life.

You've ensured she understands the implications of her staying alone in UK, but does she understand the implications of her going with you? You won't necessarily be able to support her financially. Is she still expecting the top-up to her pension, for instance?

RabidAnchovy · 04/05/2012 08:48

Go, start a fantastic new life, send her a post card. Job done

Original poster

Mosman · 04/05/2012 09:31

Jux whenever I sit down and explain that I am the main breadwinner in our family and that I am just about holding it together to pay for my family never mind top up her pocket money she bursts into tears and looks at DH and says how can she be so selfish ?

Selfish ? I owe her nothing financially, her son is basically being supported by me which is fine and she thinks she comes as part of that package and is like a 5th child to me.

Honestly I married him when she lived 300 miles away if I'd had any idea she was part of the package I can honestly say I wouldn't have married him, if we spilt up it'll be down to her, the last few days have really highlighted that she and I don't get on and I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I'm considering going on my own (with the lovely children of course).

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Original poster

Mosman · 04/05/2012 09:32

I am very stressed and smoking heavily which is not good for the chest xray I have coming up

OP posts:

RabidAnchovy · 04/05/2012 14:24

Leave her behind, and tell your DH if he wants to stay with her he is more then welcome. Please do not take her with you for the sake of your sanity

madwomanintheattic · 04/05/2012 14:55

I thought you were in the middle of an employment tribunal as well?

When are you actually supposed to be going?

Are you sure your other work worries etc aren't just combining into a v stressful time and you are not overreacting?

If your marriage is in trouble before you even go, then you all really need to sit down calmly and discuss whether you are going to bother.

Usually the big new start just moves your existing troubles issues and difficulties to an unfamiliar location. You take your metaphorical baggage with you, as well as your literal stuff.

Emigrating is stressful, we all know that. But in this case I'm not sure you ave all sat down and discussed it rationally, it seems full of expectations and bitterness. All of the adults involved need to make up their own minds.

I wish you luck, and I hope it all works out.

madwomanintheattic · 04/05/2012 14:56

Have you not passed your medicals yet then? So you guys don't have visas yet?

If it's a tb cxr, the fags won't impact.

ToothbrushThief · 04/05/2012 16:25

Oh Mosman that all sounds horrible. But without doubt ...leave her behind. It sounds tbh like they are abusing your willingness to provide. I would not financially maintain another adult....partner or parent in law.

(Nor would I expect to be maintained)

Jux · 04/05/2012 20:27

Oh Mosman, how can your dh expect you to support her as well? What does he say? Does he back you up?

Sexist I know, but it didn't occur to me that you were the breadwinner and paying for it all. I suppose because it was MIL making financial demands, I assumed those demands were being made on your dh, not you.

How on earth can you expect to have a good future in a new country with an extra adult who has such expectations of you? How is that going to work?

It raises your sense of duty to an exceptional level. Hats off to you.

Organize a spa day for your next day off. DH to deal with everything, absolutely everything, so you get a decent rest, and deep relaxation, or you simply won't last the course.

Have you got a job out there? Has dh? Have you got a house to go to, or will you be in a hotel, or what?

It really is important that you get some time off. Please make that your priority.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 06/05/2012 17:13

Have you thought what would happen if MIL comes out to live with you and then becomes ill with (say) ALzheimers or some very debilitiating conditions. Who would look after her - would there be funding in your new country for this or would it fall to you and your family.

I would most definietly think that at 75 your MIL should stay where she is. 75 is too old to be making a new life on the other side of the world.

Original poster

Mosman · 06/05/2012 17:16

I thought once we were permanent residents we could bring her over with full medical care after 2 years, it seems not.

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