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Elderly parents
Original poster

Emigrating and Dmil can't come for 2 years

111 replies

Mosman · 01/05/2012 20:08

And doesn't want to leave her pension, she'd loose 25% of it if she leaves the UK.
She's not in the best of health at the moment and on that basis alone would struggle to gain entry, but that aside its a long trip, she wants to travel in comfort which she/we could not afford but I think she wants us to pay for business class for her whilst we travel cattle class due to her arthritis.
We are definitely going but I'm quite cross with her that her bloody pension is coming before being with her family but if we left her behind what would happen to her if she deteriates is there any provision for those with no immediate family? What are people's experiences with social services etc please ?

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 03/05/2012 09:51

You sound like you really hate her. Sad

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 09:53

It just seems the lesser of two evils, she is going to be a nightmare whether she is with us or not if she does get ill mentally or physically, she's not the suffer in silence type and much as DH pretends he doesn't care, he does.

But it'll fall to me to look after or sort her out.

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Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 09:54

She left DH alone with his grandfather whilst she ran off with another man when he was 5 years old.
She's not a cuddly old grandma.

OP posts:
BenedictsCumberbitch · 03/05/2012 09:54

I don't understand why you'd want to share a home with her if she's that bad?

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 09:56

I've asked in the OP what the alternative is and nobody seems keen to answer that far easier to paint me as the wicked witch when actually I am doing more for this lady than anyone else who actually knows her feels she deserves.

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AgentProvocateur · 03/05/2012 10:02

Ok, to answer your question. Of course there is provision for people without family help. If she deteriorated to the extent where she was no longer able to care for herself , social services would arrange someone to go in and feed her and wash her. She would probably need to pay for this. Or she could arrange her own care.

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 10:08

Well that's my point I know SS will do something but what exactly ?
And when you say pay for this, out of her pension or savings ?
My concern is that her savings will run out at some stage obviously, it costs her £2k a year in service charges for her apartment for example.

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Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 10:09

I'm assuming this would be from a private care agency type of thing ?

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AgentProvocateur · 03/05/2012 10:39

Arrange for carers to go in three times a day, or as often as she needs it (or as infrequently as they can get away with). They could work for the council but more commonly the council contracts it out. Most carers are caring, but they will be on minimum pay , working difficult hours and will have impossible timing to keep to, so your MIL will likely get a microwave meal put on front of her. They will take her income and savings into account, and when her savings drop below a certain amount, the state picks up the tab

If she needs to go into a care home, she may have to sell her house to finance this.

Jux · 03/05/2012 12:36

She will be cared for by SS. If necessary she will have people going into her house to help, if she's really bad it'll be everyday and it could 3 or 4 times a day.

If she goes into a home then the first £8K will be paid for by her - from savings or from the sale of her house if she owns it. If she doesn't have the money then she won't pay.

She will be looked after, one way or another. That is the alternative. Many elderly people ar elooked after like this, whether they have family or not. She is not the only one, and the state is geared up to sort it.

When you are in Oz, if you feel she needs help then you can alert SS (so take the number with you) and that will be the most you can do, short of coming back to the UK.

MadameChinLegs · 03/05/2012 12:44

'I'm quite cross that her bloody pension is coming before her family'

Well, she is probably miffed that you and your DHs dream is coming before her happiness (which it shoudl to you but not to her).

Whilst it may look like an amazing offer to you, it may not to her.

rockdoctor · 03/05/2012 12:50

I'm sorry for your predicament but unfortunately it's one of the big issues you have to face when emigrating that far... a lot of us have been there in one way or another.

Yes, her state pension would be frozen. I'm not sure of the implications for the teachers pension.

FWIW we lived in Australia for 20 years and had increasingly elderly parents come and visit us regularly in that time. When they found that they couldn't do the trip any more (at around 70 - 75 years old), we came back to the UK. Although there were other factors, it was possibly the worst decision we ever made - as we will never make up what we lost in career/house/pension.

No advice really, but you may be asking a lot of her if she is very settled here. Perhaps you have to focus on making sure she is well looked after here and that you keep the communications open eg. is she computer literate? can she use e-mail/skype?

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 16:15

Her house is worth bugger all, so if the money runs out they will continue to pick up the tab ? That's my main concern is that she isn't left destitute.

Interesting that it was only 70-75 rockdoctor I don't think she'll be capable of making the journey more than once personally.

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nemno · 03/05/2012 16:29

I'd be worried if I was going as far as Oz and would be totally dependent on just one family member. What happens to her if something happens to you? Or if you fall out? If the worst happens she will be ok in the UK and up shit creek elsewhere. Giving up her pension (or having it frozen) and her house is a very big deal I reckon.

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 16:34

She's in that position now in a £30k house that be be sold and provide her with what 30 weeks of care ?
If she stays she'll be relying on stranger which i simply cannot get my head around why that would be ok in her mind, but what can you do ?

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Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 16:36

Sorry iphone predictive text, an apartment that she has to pay a stupidly high maintenance fee for, her savings won't go far and she'll be up the creek, then what ?

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nemno · 03/05/2012 16:43

She would be relying on SS in the UK, who would be responsible for her in Oz (a place she has never paid tax or health insurance)?

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 16:50

They have reciprocal agreements nemno

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Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 16:52

I guess my thoughts were it's one thing relying on SS when you have family around to fight your corner, quite a different matter if you're vunerable and alone, but her choice I guess. I've told her all this and she's "thinking about it"
But of course if DH pays the difference and £250 pocket money then all is well Hmm
It's worse than having another child.

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mercibucket · 03/05/2012 18:04

Will oz let her emigrate and pay for her healthcare? I thought the reciprocal thing was only for holidays and you needed a stack of cash for a permanent visa?

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 18:20

No and this is where the 2 year part comes in. DH and I have VISA's we can then apply for her to have one after 2 years, but even then it'll depend on various things including her health at the time.
Or she could come out for 6 months of every year, keep her apartment and her blooming pension but then of course she'll have to go back and forth in cattle class which does not meet with her expectations.

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Jux · 03/05/2012 18:23

Yes you're right, mercibucket, about both - or you could be sponsored by someone resident there already.

Mosman, has she got a visa for Oz? Was she somehow supposed to be going as an integral part of your family so that she was on your visa? How was that working? It may be that if she hasn't got any sort of visa for her that your entire question is moot, anyway. I assumed that all that was sorted .....

madwomanintheattic · 03/05/2012 18:26

So actually then, you won't even know of she is eligible to emigrate for another two years.

If in two and a half years she is told no visa, are you all coming back to blighty?

Bit of an ask to get her to shift her entire life around on your say so for two years, on the off chance that she'll be allowed over permanently at that point, isn't it?

Jux · 03/05/2012 18:27

x post.

Totally different scenario then.

So she is expecting to go to and fro every year, business class, but can't afford it herself. And for your dh to stump up 250 quid a month while she's there - 6 m per year.

Or you apply for her to come and join you permanently in 2 years' time?

What exactly is she shilly-shallying about? I am unclear now.

madwomanintheattic · 03/05/2012 18:32

I think it is rather more the op that wants her to travel back and forth for the next two years in cattle.

I don't think the mil wants to go anywhere. She might apply in two years time and see if she gets a visa and then travel once permanently, but at 75, however much you think your expectations are reasonable, what you are actually telling her she has to do is live with you for six months, then come back and fend for herself for six months, then the same again for another year, and then you'll apply to find out if she can come permanently at all.

Yup. Sorry, op. you are completely off the mark here. Your expectations that a 75 yo should uproot and do what you want for the next two years with no guarantee for the future are well off the mark. She'll be fending for herself for the portions she is in the uk anyway, so what's all the angst about selfishness? And how you are doing it all in her best interests?

Leave her where she is, on her own. You lot settle. In two years you'll either be ecstatic or doing the ping pong thing, and you can apply for her visa then and see where you go. Trying to force her now is plain daft. Let the woman make up her own mind.