Does anyone privately educate one child and not the others?

[pigsinmud]

Dh & I are considering a private school for ds2 in yr 7. He's currently in yr5. Ds1 has just started at local comp. That sounds awful on paper I know! Ds2 is a quirky chap and we just can't see him at ds1's school which has a 240 intake - he'd get swallowed up. Ds1 would not have wanted to go to this private school as he would have known no-one and would have hated that. Ds2 will be fine knowing no-one.

We have 4 children and intended for them all to be state educated - we don't have much money to spare. We would struggle to put one through private school if it wasn't for the fact that dh works there and we won't pay full fees, plus head mentioned possibility of bursary on top.

We haven't mentioned it to the boys yet. Personally I think ds1 will be fine with it, but don't want him to feel that we value ds2 more or anything just because we pay for schooling for ds2.

I won't go into detailed reasons behind this - I just want to know if it's really crap of us!! My mil would think it totally unfair.

I was really sad to pass my 11+. I thought if I went to private school I'd get a pony .

I personally would be very wary of treating children differently re state and private. I never understand the argument you sometimes hear 'oh well johnnie is academic and jimmy is just arty'. IMO a good academic school might turn a non academic child into something he never dreamed he could be.

I can see the sense re 11+ though and what my parents thought about doing. My db was very bright and sailed through the 11+ so they had no need to consider any alternatives. I think he'd have been okay at secondary too but by the time I got to that age the school had really deteriorated so the decision re private school was made. I have no idea how they would have funded it though so I imagine they were very relieved when I passed.

Happened to both me and DH with different results.

Me- chose to go to local comp- bro chose to go to private school (was our choice not parents - although obv they financed it)- I got better GCSE's Bro got slightly better A-levels but both much of a muchness in terms of academic achievement (both got 2:1's and working on masters at mo).

It never really caused any issues between me and my bro as we both made our own choices (aged 11 I firmly didn't believe in private education ) but when I needed some surgery later on (NHS waiting list was 3 years and it wasn't something that could really wait) my parents paid for it bless em with the reasoning that my bro had had lots of money spent on his education and so this was fair.

DH- He was eldest parents sent him to top notch private school but he got bursaries/grants etc- couldn't afford to send any of his younger three sisters. He completely excelled 1st class honours from cambridge- won loads of awards etc etc. Sisters doing well but not nearly a patch on him- partly I think none of them are quite as academic as him but also partly because they haven't had same opportunities.

Is an interesting one and I do think best school for the individual child- though having said that my bro had access to negative things such as copious amounts of drugs (rich kids- massive drug problem!) and there were some massive knock on effects of that for my bro which I wont go into- whereas me being one of very few middle class kids in my school- I was never really going to be offered drugs I was just a geek child! But then that may also be a personality thing rather than school environment thing.

DS is at private pre-prep, and dd at local infant school. so far so good, for us atm.

'All children are unique, and therefore need to be treated as individuals - it goes without saying you love them all equally and aren't trying to treat any one of them preferentially.'

I can never understand why they are all lumped together! What may be best for one DC isn't necessarily the best for another.

I considered it for my dyslexic DS at one point, where I felt that the school was failing him-however the school eventually got their act together and I didn't get very far down the 'find an alternative' route.

Those that think it 'unfair' are making the assumption that private must be better, and I would dispute that strongly.

This happened to my dh who has a sister and a brother.

I think it is fine where the schools are quite close together and similar in structure. DH boarded weekly and feels it cut him off from his siblings quite a lot.

Completely against this I'm afraid, having been the state educated sibling of a privately educated one. It caused years of grief, especially because of all the money that had to be spent on them for things like sports equipment, and the other things they got to do because their school did it and mine didn;t.

However, my sibling has ended up worse off from it as they were separated from all their friends who were going to the state school. And as my parents couldn't afford for them to live like the other children they went to school with outside of school they've ended up with no friends from there either.

I on the other hand am still friends with most of the people I went to school with and am much more stable on the whole.

I don't quite understand your reasoning AuntieMaggie-you seem to be the lucky one but resenting your brother!
My DH won a full scholarship to a public school, his brother didn't-as DH was older I don't think it fair that he should have been denied because his parents thought his brother wouldn't get one! It hasn't caused any problems-his brother did very well.

I think you need to think about your children as adults and how they will feel when they reflect back about their childhood. Will they really understand your choices? If their lives don't turn out so well - then they could see unfairness. How life turns out can be down to luck - but they may well see not going to private as some pivotal thing.

My younger brother went to private primary. Myself and older brother went to state. Reasons behind this were - we moved areas and the local primary was a joke - very very rough. The teacher took my mother aside and said get him out of here if you can!

I have never resented this decision - or analysed it, to be honest. It just doesn't factor at all. That said there is quite a big age gap between us so I was in secondary when he started primary. Maybe if we had been closer in age?

I've just had a similar dilemma - but choose not to send my oldest to private, because I would have to send them all. Also in the cold light of day - the cost is soooo expensive.

I have 3 cousins in the same family and the first 2DDs were state educated and DD3 was privately educated. It was done because it suited the DCs. It has to be done to suit the individual-if anyone ends up resentful then it obviously didn't suit the individual!

Two of my siblings went to private school, my younger sister and I went to state. As children it wasn't an issue, parents explained why and I don't think any of us really questionned it or minded.

As adults however it has become a big issue for my younger sister, who did very poorly in our local comp and didn't go on to any further education, whereas the rest of us have degrees and postgrad qualifications.

It isn't an issue for me, as I did better academically than my 2 privately educated siblings, but it is an issue for my sister who has the most enormous chip on her shoulder about how she doesn't have a degree and blames this squarely on being treated differently to the rest of the family she conveniently ignores the fact that she and I were treated the same ).

The only regret I have is that me and the privately educated sibling that I am nearest to in age, had little to do with each other from age 11-18, whereas we were close when younger and are now luckily each others' closest sibling again but it has taken many years to really get close again. I think it was because we were living in such separate worlds for those school years with completely different experiences and social groups, and I think at that age it really makes a difference in how you get on if you don't have shared experiences to bond you.

OP, all the positives are coming from parents who are already doing what you are thinking about doing(they would have to be positive about it, its what they chose and they are spending £££££ on it) and all the negatives(with a couple of exceptions) are coming from adults who have been in this situation when they were children.

Does this not tell you that when children grow up and realise they weren't all given the same that they have some resentment towards their parents and siblings?

You have to decide if the possible risk is worth the possible reward for your son.

not all the negative come from siblings. This did happen to us - younger brother privately educated. I never give it any thought - but then I was the most academic - and alot older than my younger brother so could understand.

Can you really really afford it? I think, if you are cutting back on family treats because you have kids in private then the other siblings will be more likely resent it!

My older DB went to a private school for 4 terms and I really resented it as a teenager when I was completely miserable at my state secondary. What really hacked me off was that he went to a private school because he wasn't working and was being disruptive at primary school and my parents thought that a stricter environment and smaller classes would help him to 'knuckle down' and work!! It didn't and when we moved he went to the local comprehensive and still didn't work. I, on the other hand, was a geeky little swot, who worked and behaved at school and didn't get the 'reward' of going private!!

As adults, it still rankles a bit that they were prepared to spend money on him that they weren't prepared to spend on me. My DB, however, loathed that private school and resents having been sent to it!!

DH went to a state grammar, his siblings went to a private school. DH hated his school and dropped out during his A-levels, his siblings went on to university. His parents justified it, because they couldn't afford private schooling when DH started school, but there are only 2yrs between him and his brother and DH was never offered the chance to change to a private school despite being unhappy. He bitterly resents it to this day.

DB1 andI went to state school.DB 2 (big age gap) went to private 6th from college after being educated for GCSE abroad.He is doing very well.

db 1 a bit of a dropout,but I think this is a personality thing anyhow.Me educated to post degree level but have prob not met parental expectations but extenuating circs of very ill family members.

I don't resent youngest db in the slightest.

There is no way dps could have sent us private when we were little,times changed a lot in the 14 years between db and I.

dps just doing their bestat the time I think.

Own dcs in State sector.

Each to their own I guess.

I am a parent who has been there, done that. I am also a headteacher of an 'outstanding' primary school in the maintained sector.I was in the private sector as a teacher for the majority of my career.
I started both my children off in the private sector as i taught in that sector. As time went on it became evident it suited one but not the other.
All I can say is look at your children not at your own mindset.
One ended up following his school career in the private sector and the other switched over at 13.
That change and my own change of sector has given me a very interesting perspective.
Please sit back and look at your children's needs, not your ingrained views. If you want more detail ask.

I'm one of three - my elder brother got a scholarship to private school, and then after a couple of years we moved house so he stayed as a boarder but it didn't suit him so after a year he left and went to a comp.

My younger brother and I went to state schools and neither of us have any problem whatsoever with our elder brother having a different education.

I just see it as my parents doing what was best for each of us as individual children.

Not sure I would do the same with DCs as they are very close and I can't imagine them choosing to be at seperate schools. But they are 3 and 4 and secondary is a long way off!

Good luck with your decision.

Oh and forgot to add - as a child I never realised that my parents were paying fees for DB to board, for special equipment, etc. Children really don't need to hear/know 'we can't go on holiday because of your brother's school fees' - why would any parent make this known?!

Every child is different, and has different needs.

Follow your heart, and don't think about the money as being the only factor of value.

Personally I went to a school which was far too big for me and not academic enough. It was fine for my bigger sister, and was OK but not great for my biggest sister.
Looking back we probably should have been at different schools. I think boarding would have been ideal for me.

My DH's 4 sibs were all at different schools.

My friend (who does not mumsnet) sends 2 of her 4 children to private, both are on bursaries.

I asked her if the others might get jealous when they grow up and she replied "they will just have to get used to the fact they are not as special as the other 2"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't seen much of her lately

Blimey Miggsie look forward to the fireworks in that family

I was just going to say it depends entirely on how the situation is handled by the family.
My cousins both went to private primary because the eldest girl refused to behave at the state school, this then led to her passing the 11+ and her younger brother failing but being kept on at the private school.
Now the truth is the boy just wouldn't have done as well without the private education and the sister teases him as an adult he was "special" but it's all done in good faith.
If one of my children needed £100k for an operation or something I wouldn't feel the need to give them all £100k, that's kind of how I'd look at it.

I think that you need to look at the kind of schools on offer. If one is an inner city comprehensive with poor results and facilities, I'm just using that as an example, and the other is a top performing private school with all singing and dancing facilities then yes you may breed resentment.

However, if they both offer a good standard oof education, but each has strengths in different areas then I'm of the view that the fact that one is state and one if private is immaterial.

I also suspect that my views are different to many others here because the state schools we'll be considering have children from very similar backgrounds to those in the private schools and it's totally normal for a) children from the same family to be in either school and b) for the children in all the schools to mix and meet socially via out of school activities so I don't feel that they'd miss out on anything a privately educated sibling would experience.

W