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Education

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Original poster

Does anyone privately educate one child and not the others?

51 replies

pigsinmud · 02/12/2009 12:56

Dh & I are considering a private school for ds2 in yr 7. He's currently in yr5. Ds1 has just started at local comp. That sounds awful on paper I know! Ds2 is a quirky chap and we just can't see him at ds1's school which has a 240 intake - he'd get swallowed up. Ds1 would not have wanted to go to this private school as he would have known no-one and would have hated that. Ds2 will be fine knowing no-one.

We have 4 children and intended for them all to be state educated - we don't have much money to spare. We would struggle to put one through private school if it wasn't for the fact that dh works there and we won't pay full fees, plus head mentioned possibility of bursary on top.

We haven't mentioned it to the boys yet. Personally I think ds1 will be fine with it, but don't want him to feel that we value ds2 more or anything just because we pay for schooling for ds2.

I won't go into detailed reasons behind this - I just want to know if it's really crap of us!! My mil would think it totally unfair.

OP posts:

Pineapplechunks · 02/12/2009 13:01

My parents did this. They only had the money to send my sister.

At the time, being a child and not understanding, I was fine with it, like you imagine your DS will be, perhaps he will be?

I also won't go into detailed reasons but will advise you not to do this; it's unfair.

pagwatch · 02/12/2009 13:01

Two of mine are at private schools and DS2 is in a state school.
He has SN and his school is specific to his needs but to be honest I have always tried to chose a school for each child which will best meet their needs. All three go to different schools. I know mine don't have a problem with where they go and they each love their schools. But you would have to factor in how your children feel and how those around you would respond.
There is no reason why anyone should see one as being better than the other because that is not necessarily going to be the case and every school has strengths and weaknesses.
But if you are surrounded by people who have pre-conceived ideas or prejudices based around either school system it could be disheartening for your DCs

Reallytired · 02/12/2009 13:03

Unless there are extreme special needs (like autism) I think you are being unfair especially when you have three other children.

Or prehaps you can send your ds2 to the comprehensive school and rethink private education if he is truely finding it a nightmare.

Lilymaid · 02/12/2009 13:04

I've done it - DS1 at independent school 11-18 whilst DS2 went to local comprehensive 11-16 and private sixth form. But you may expect that at some point there could be resentment that you have spent money on one and not the other.

domesticextremist · 02/12/2009 13:05

I chose schools for my dcs by their needs and not by what sort of school they are.

In the indie sector lots of parents just choose the best school for their first dc anyway and the second (if its the opposite sex) just has to go to the nearest equivalent whether its any good or not.

Where we are one sibling could well get into grammar if they are able and the one that doesnt will have to go private anyway as the fall back option.

creditcrunched · 02/12/2009 13:05

I think that you should what's right for each child, independent of eachother. I have one child at private and one at state but this is more for financial reasons than because it suits our dc.

If you do go down this route bear in mind that these sorts of things do sometimes lead to resentment in the future, even if it doesn't seem to be an issue for your dc1 at the moment.

Are there no other state schools that might suit your dc2?

Original poster

pigsinmud · 02/12/2009 13:14

Thanks for replies. There is one other state school, but neither of us are keen on this one.

We know several people who send their children to a mix of state and independent, but I am worried there would be resentment. We are in the early stages of thinking about this so any experiences would be great.

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MrsJohnDeere · 02/12/2009 13:18

My parents did this with me. My brother went to the local comprehensive (which was one of the worst schools in the country at the time). I won a scholarship to a private school and they couldn't afford to pay fees for him to go to one (he wasn't scholarship material).

He is unemployed/unemployable, didn't get any GCSEs, and is totally devoid of social skills.
I went on to a top university and then postgraduate study.
We are poles apart now with absolutely nothing in common.

It caused a lot of resentment and he was bullied at school for having a sister at a 'posh' school. He even used to get snide remarks from some of his teachers about my schooling.

He would never have been a high flier, but he needed to be pushed a little and educated somewhere where the teachers actually gave a damn about him, and sadly he wasn't.

wb · 02/12/2009 13:18

I also think that you should what's right for each child, so I wouldn't send one of mine if I couldn't send the others (even if I did not take up that option iyswim?).

My best friend and her sister were state educated whilst their brother went to private school (cause education is more important for boys ) and the ramifications of that decision linger resentfully to this day. Of course your situation is different and what you have said sounds fine for your ds1 and 2, but also consider what would you do if one of your other children would also benefit from a private education.

twolittlemonkeys · 02/12/2009 13:18

My sister and I both went to private schools (on bursaries as my mum couldn't afford the fees) and my sister resented that and wished she'd gone to the local comp. I think she hated the fact that she wasn't allowed to slack off at independent school and came out with 8 A-Cs at GCSE despite her best efforts to do nothing and be a slacker You never know...

Original poster

pigsinmud · 02/12/2009 13:25

It is not a high flying private school. IT probably has the same academic results as ds1's comp. They are both bright boys and ds1 is doing well. The 6th form of his current school is outstanding, so I don't think he has a raw deal. In fact, we'd probably move ds2 back to the comp for 6th form.

It is more to do with how ds2 would cope emotionally.

wb - I have been thinking this. What if one of the girls would do better at this private school in years to come?

Dh's dad went to posh boarding school and Oxford, while his sister went to local comp. I was horrified when I heard about that, but I think that was to do with the reasoning behind it - boys needed a good education and girls didn't. Dh's grandparents could easily have afforded to send their daughter to private school, they just didn't see the point.

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ajandjjmum · 02/12/2009 13:26

MrsJohnDeere
Must have been tough on your family, but how wrong would it have been for your 'potential' to be squashed?

Bonsoir · 02/12/2009 13:28

The DSSs are at state schools and have been right through (they are 12 and 14). They may change to a private school if we can get them in for lycée (aged 15) as I have definite reservations about the state lycée that they would go to if they stay in the state system.

DD is at a private school and we fully intend to keep her in a private school right through, as only private schools can offer the type of bilingual (French-English) education that we value for her.

violethill · 02/12/2009 13:41

schilke - I think you have answered your own question. You are not giving one child a perceived advantage. It is unlikely to make a difference to their exam results (you suggest that at A level you would want to return to state anyway as you feel it's better).You are making a decision about the emotional needs of each of your children.

All children are unique, and therefore need to be treated as individuals - it goes without saying you love them all equally and aren't trying to treat any one of them preferentially.

Pollyanna · 02/12/2009 13:49

yes we have 2 (aged 10 and 9) children at private and 2 (aged 6 and 4) at state (our 5th will also go state). This is mostly accidental in our case although ds1 has asd and this is the best school for him. For dd1 it happened because when we moved here we didn't get offered any reasonable school (by which I mean they were miles away and I don't drive, and also very bad schools). For the others we have got them into a state primary that we think is good. I would prefer dd1 to go to this school too, but there are still no places for her.

At secondary level, I would hope to put each into the best school for that person, whether it be state or private.

MrsJohnDeere · 02/12/2009 13:59

jandjjmum - I do agree, and it is one of the few things I am eternally grateful to them for. I just wish they'd found a way to pay for my brother to go to a private school (which would have been possible if she had worked instead of being a SAHM or if her and dad had swapped roles - her earning potential was far greater than his).

Original poster

pigsinmud · 02/12/2009 13:59

violethill - yes you're right. I honestly don't think there is any academic advantage. It is just how some people will see it - paying for one and not the others.

We're even worried about the fact ds2 will have extra weeks of holiday - that won't go down well with ds1! Hopefully the fact ds2's school day will be from 8:20 - 4:45 will make up for that!

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yayitstheweekend · 02/12/2009 14:06

I currently have both in state schools but will have no hesitation in sending one state and one private and will base my decisions on their individual needs. I know lots of people who have done this, inlcuding at least a dozen at our school and there's no resentment but then again we have outstanding state schools in our area.

violethill · 02/12/2009 14:07

Don't worry about how other people see it! If they are content with their own lives and decisions, it shouldn't bother them!

I also agree that the holiday thing is swings and roundabouts. You may find that the state school has shorter holidays, but your children are able to see more of their friends, because they live more locally, so it all balances out. Working in education,I sometimes look at our local private school with envy when they start their Christmas holiday about now, and their summer holiday in early July, but on the other hand, I couldn't bear to have Saturday school or to spend the rest of my weekend coaching the netball team!!

MollieO · 02/12/2009 14:13

I know someone who is doing this. Moved one child because of bullying. The others remain at the state school and are doing well.

My parents would have sent me private if I hadn't passed the 11+ even though my db was at state school. Simply because of the poor choice of secondary schools.

LadyPeterWimsey · 02/12/2009 14:17

More experiences here

Fruitbatlings · 02/12/2009 14:21

I didn't go to a private school but my (younger) sister did. My parents didn't believe in private education when I was at school - don't know what changed their minds. They obviously realised their mistake.
I just wish I was given that opportunity.
I had to re-take my GCSE's and failed my 1st year of A-levels.
I know have a crappy job and tiny flat with a mortgage we'll never pay off.
My sister did really well, and has just finished uni with flying colours

I'm sure I would have knuckled down more if I was privately educated

Original poster

pigsinmud · 02/12/2009 14:21

MollieO - I was in same position. Both my older brothers went to comp as they failed their 11+ exams. When it came to me my parents didn't want me to go to that comp as my mother didn't like the head. My headteacher said he thought I needed a girls school. I was lined up with a private school in case I failed 11+, but fortunately passed.

OP posts:

Fruitbatlings · 02/12/2009 14:22

now not know

ajandjjmum · 02/12/2009 14:27

MrsJD
It's funny how things work out. My parents moved my db to an independent school as he needed smaller classes. I was doing fine but they moved me too, so that I wouldn't feel 'left out'. It was a really bad move for me, although done with the best intentions.
It's so hard to get it right, isn't it?!!

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