To withdraw or not to withdraw

[Freckle]

DS1 has been the target for bullies for over a year now. I have approached the school on a number of occasions and tried to resolve the problem. The school has appeared willing to help and, from time to time, the problem has diminished. However, it has always reappeared. DS1 is a prime target for bullies, in that he is not particularly big for his age, very sensitive, desperate to be liked and doesn't retaliate (for which I take full responsibility because that is how I have raised him). I spoke to his class teacher at consultation a few weeks ago and was very disappointed in her response ("well, there's not a lot we can do about it" and, when I mentioned the name of the main bully, "Oh but he's nasty to a number of children" - so, your point is????). Over recent weeks, there have been a number of incidents, resulting in a meeting with the headteacher, at which he promised a number of strategies. Then, on Tuesday last week, there was a major incident of the bully humiliating DS1 in front of the whole class and his class teacher supporting the bully, following which DS1 was so distraught and upset that he couldn't breathe properly or speak. Teacher has since denied the incident (or at least her role in it), but I am absolutely certain that DS1 has related what happened accurately. There followed a meeting with the headteacher and ultimately on Friday DH and I decided to withdraw DS1 from school until the end of term. DS1 is in Y6 and I took him into school each day to do his Key Stage 2 SATS (done alone in the head's office at his suggestion).

My older sister is the deputy head of a large primary school and she has since told me that, if I de-register DS1, his place at a local grammar school cannot be held for him as he will no longer appear on the local education authority register. They will not be able to hold his place for him as it would be the same as holding a place for a child from another authority. I have contacted the LEA and the grammar school, but have been unable to speak to the relavant people.

Do any teachers have any idea what our position is? I cannot send DS1 back into an environment which has robbed him of any vestige of self-confidence and reduced him to the state he was in last Tuesday. However, although I am prepared to home-educate him for the rest of this term, it is not a long-term option and I do not want him to lose his place at grammar school.

Any advice?? Many thanks.

its just possible the staff weren't told because the head didn't want the teachers to act differently towards your children. In your place, however, I would assume it was because the head was too ashamed to admit to it. I'd also assume the governors didn't know either and I'd make sure they found out! Are you writing to the school to record your meetings, freckle, because it may be helpful to do so. I'd be tempted to take a voice recorder in with me.

I can understand that there was perhaps no need for all other staff to be informed of DS1's situation, but it strikes me as odd that this particular teacher had not been informed bearing in mind that not only is she DS2's teacher (and one can see that DS2 might have issues with DS1 staying at home and the reasons for that), but is also the deputy head and SENCO. I had been assured by the head that all senior staff would be advised of the bullying situation so that, if DS1 did hit back, he would not get into trouble. It seems that he didn't notify senior staff of this at all and has failed to let them know of the reasons for DS1's withdrawal.

I think I'm going to write down the sequence of events, meetings, etc. and then I'll have all information to hand if we need to take matters further. I also have a number of emails which passed between me and the head as evidence of how we raised our concerns.

The Head sounds pretty weak to me too. If I was your ds2's teacher I would expect to be fully informed of family stuff just so I didn't put my foot in it.
What a total waste of energy for you!

Well, I'd love to be a fly on the wall in the next meeting between the head and the teacher! If I were her, I'd be tearing him off a strip about being left in the dark about something which could so easily have an impact on how DS2 behaves.

even if your ds2 can fight back he shouldn't be put in a position where he has to. No child should have to put up with bullying at school because his school is too incompetent to stop it. Hope they are ready to be more proactive on Thursday.

I think it's a very good idea to record your feelings in writing and list the chain of events. The head seems to say one thing then do another. This inconsistency makes him come across as very ineffectual.

I do wonder if the head has actually seen the parents of the boys who bullied your ds1? These recent meetings show he says one thing to you but does another. It's just a thought to bear in mind.

I was talking to another mother of a boy in my son's class last night. She is very involved with the school and quite outspoken. She told me her son has really suffered from bullying by one particular boy in the class. Knowing her son, this really surprised me.

Her views of their class teachers over the last few years were also in direct contrast to my views - ie the teachers my son and I liked were the teachers she and her son didn't like and visa versa. It opened my eyes to how different the relationships can be between individual parents, teachers and children.

I always tend to assume teachers are consistent. My chat last night and your messages here show this isn't something to take for granted.

good luck for your meeting on thursday.

I'm not sure what the norm is in Primary (where your child is normaly taught by one teacher), but in the Secondary school where I teach new arrivals and departures are always announced at morning briefing. Temporary departures are also announced, say a holiday longer than the usual 2 weeks where work is asked for, longer term exclusions (ditto), illness, family berievements, all that sort of stuff. And also short term exclusions or internal exclusions.

All DS2 is being accused of is pushing another child. He had been surrounded by a number of children and a friend of his heard him shouting several times "Leave me alone" before locking himself in the loos to avoid them. I sent this by email to the head last night:

Dear Mr. H,

We are writing to express our concern at the meeting we had with Mrs. S. this morning. During this meeting it became quite clear that Mrs. S. had been unaware of the history of DS1's withdrawal from the school and this despite your previous assurances that senior members of staff, in particular Mrs. S., would be made aware of the bullying.

At our meeting on 27th April, at which you indicated to DS1 that, should the bullying become unbearable, he should strike back at the bullies and that he would not get into trouble for this, you informed me that you would advise senior members of staff that you had told this to DS1 so that, if you were not in school when such an event happened, staff would know that DS1 was not to be punished for his actions. It is clear from our meeting this morning, that nothing was said to any other members of staff. Mrs. S. also indicated that no other member of staff was aware of the reason for DS1's withdrawal. It is as a direct result of this failure to inform staff that DS2?s recent behaviour has come in for such censure. Had staff known of the true facts, some allowance would have been made for DS2?s reactions. Some of the goading from other children has been because they are aware of DS1?s situation.

We are aware that DS2 has a short fuse and, it would seem, so are many of his peers. According to one of DS2?s friends, some children regularly go in for ?DS2 baiting?, where they goad him until he reacts, then sit back to watch the fireworks before complaining to members of staff. DS2 has been physically hurt by other children, but does not immediately run to tell tales. As far as we are aware, none of the boys who have either physically or verbally taunted him has been called in for an explanation. Given the behaviour of some of the other boys, we feel that DS2?s reaction has in fact been rather restrained.

Whilst we are more than happy to work with the school to improve DS2?s behaviour, where necessary, we are not happy if we are the only parents being asked to be so involved, whilst other children?s behaviour goes unchecked. DS2 came out of school today with plasters on several of his fingers. When asked what had happened, it transpired that he is so upset and worried about our meeting and the one scheduled for Thursday that he has been biting his nails until his fingers bled. This level of stress is unacceptable and could have been avoided if information had been shared as necessary.

That's a very good email IMHO. I can't believe you're all having to go through this.

Am I right in thinking that Kidscape do a pack for schools on dealing with bullying? If so, could you perhaps give one to the head - or would that seem like teaching a grandmother to suck eggs? It does really sound like they need a whole school thrust on bullying - they can address it in assemblies, in circle times, and in PSHE, surely. I think also there are Theatre in Education groups who visit schools and do plays about bullying, but I don't know the details. It needs to be brought out into the open and addressed, with the school being clear about what behaviour is acceptable and what isn't. It's not good for the bullies themselves to be allowed to continue with bullying behaviour, let alone for their victims.

Well, it's now gone 6pm and I haven't had so much as an acknowledgement from the head. DS1's teacher came out of her classroom as I was walking past today, saw me and immediately turned round and went back in again. No "hello", no "how's DS1?".

Freckle, sorry to hear this, are the governors involved?

Basically, head's boss ought to be told I think.

I'm compiling a chronology and printing off emails, etc. so that I can draft something to the governors and also the LEA if we decide to go down that route.

Oh, ok. It's really insultingly rude and unprofessional behaviour on the head's/teacher's part imo.

This is just getting silly. I agree you should be noting everything etc. If it was me I'd contact the governors - bullying is such a serious issue.
Good luck and don't let them get away with it!!

I got information from this when I first started. It may help.

I'll try again this

sometimes headteachers are away from the school and can't reply personally immediately so I'd give them at least one day before getting annoyed. Although it wasn't an important issue I waited two weeks for a reply from the head of the kids school. Then it was a verbal repy via my oldest child.

Aren't you a lawyer, freckle? They are possibly worried about being sued.

Bottom line is that if you want your younger son to stay at the school (do you?) you have to work with this idiot. Have you discussed it with a parent governor? I spoke to one of those at our school yesterday and it was a very interesting discussion. You might get an idea of what the governors think of this head and you could probably find out whether other parents have raised issues over bullying.

The head was there yesterday because I saw him when I walked through the junior playground to take DS3 to the infants. He undoubtedly saw me (as I walked right past him) but made no attempt to speak to me.

I might try and speak to a parent governor if I can find one today. Thanks.

Also thanks to swedishmum for the link. Will have a good look later.

Another thought - our head asked us not to send urgent messages by email as they don't always get read that day (it is a v small school though). Mind you his behaviour definitely sounds as if he's avoiding you.
How's ds1 doing? I have tons more useful websites if you need them, but it sounds as though he's doing brilliantly.

Had a reply this afternoon, saying that Mrs. S had been out of the school yesterday so he hadn't had a chance to speak to her (rather omitting the fact that she no doubt challenged him about keeping her in the dark on Monday when she was in school) and that he will be at our meeting tomorrow. Should be interesting. Especially as another child told Mrs. S today that DS2 was totally innocent regarding the incident on Friday, in that he had been repeatedly targetted by these boys and that he had done everything he could to get away from them before reacting. Watch this space .

does Mrs S know that you know the child told her that? This should be a really interesting meeting, don't forget to write it up afterwards.

Well, it was Mrs. S who told DS2 about it so I assume she would expect him to tell us. But then again nothing surprises me at the moment.

Good luck with the meeting this morning, Freckle. Hope you get what you want out of it.

Well, we had two meetings in fact. First with DS2's teacher and the second with the head. Both fairly productive.

DS2's teacher spent much of the time extolling DS2's virtues (of which, it would seem, there are many - at least in school, even if he doesn't display them at home!). She repeated the version of events as related by the other child which she said showed great maturity on the part of DS2 and that he had obviously been using strategies which we had given him to use in such situations. The other child/ren who taunted him so much are being dealt with (it would seem one in particular is on his "last chance" with the school). She and the head are going to keep an eye on DS2 to ensure that he doesn't suffer any problems as a result of DS1's situation. I came away feeling extremely proud of DS2, who shows maturity way beyond his 9 years, and, according to the head, shows organisational skills rarely found in a child so young.

The meeting with the head was also quite satisfactory. He apologised for a number of things, including the lack of communication which led to us believing that the reason for DS1's withdrawal had not been made known to the rest of the staff. Apparently it was. He also apologised that the school had failed DS1 in the way it had and he is going to send home some resources to help with DS1's education.

I think a number of lessons have been learned by the school over this and hopefully DS2 and DS3 can benefit from this.