To withdraw or not to withdraw

[Freckle]

DS1 has been the target for bullies for over a year now. I have approached the school on a number of occasions and tried to resolve the problem. The school has appeared willing to help and, from time to time, the problem has diminished. However, it has always reappeared. DS1 is a prime target for bullies, in that he is not particularly big for his age, very sensitive, desperate to be liked and doesn't retaliate (for which I take full responsibility because that is how I have raised him). I spoke to his class teacher at consultation a few weeks ago and was very disappointed in her response ("well, there's not a lot we can do about it" and, when I mentioned the name of the main bully, "Oh but he's nasty to a number of children" - so, your point is????). Over recent weeks, there have been a number of incidents, resulting in a meeting with the headteacher, at which he promised a number of strategies. Then, on Tuesday last week, there was a major incident of the bully humiliating DS1 in front of the whole class and his class teacher supporting the bully, following which DS1 was so distraught and upset that he couldn't breathe properly or speak. Teacher has since denied the incident (or at least her role in it), but I am absolutely certain that DS1 has related what happened accurately. There followed a meeting with the headteacher and ultimately on Friday DH and I decided to withdraw DS1 from school until the end of term. DS1 is in Y6 and I took him into school each day to do his Key Stage 2 SATS (done alone in the head's office at his suggestion).

My older sister is the deputy head of a large primary school and she has since told me that, if I de-register DS1, his place at a local grammar school cannot be held for him as he will no longer appear on the local education authority register. They will not be able to hold his place for him as it would be the same as holding a place for a child from another authority. I have contacted the LEA and the grammar school, but have been unable to speak to the relavant people.

Do any teachers have any idea what our position is? I cannot send DS1 back into an environment which has robbed him of any vestige of self-confidence and reduced him to the state he was in last Tuesday. However, although I am prepared to home-educate him for the rest of this term, it is not a long-term option and I do not want him to lose his place at grammar school.

Any advice?? Many thanks.

and very odd the teachers and asssitant were around to tell your ds the class consensus about him moving, yet were not aware he was upset or the bullies were OTT.

I suppose there will be other year 6 pupils ending school quite soon - don't private school break up much earlier than state schools? At least your son won't feel all his soon to be classlmates are at school right tiil the end of July.

Thinking about it further, giving him some extra proper lessons at home ( even getting some outside tutoring), could be a really good idea. It might help build up his confidencen more, if he feels he is prepared for the grammar school work - good idea of hmbs.

I've ordered a beginners' french book to help him get a head start with that as he hasn't done any French at primary. As a former linguist myself, I feel fairly comfortable with that subject. And any pointers wrt what he might be tackling in Y7 would be great.

I hope the teachers here can help you.

All I know is that my son is now working from these special cross over books - forgotten what they are called. The books go with him to grammar school, his new teachers will see what he has done, and will contintue to work from the same books to ease the adjustment.

BTW - my son's new schoool offeres a choice of French or German in year 7. By complete chance I found out that parents can state a preference - so we did.

freckle please reassure your son he is not being rejected by his class. Most probably they are frightened of the bullies and don't wish to risk being bullied themsleves. That is cowardice rather than rejection. In your place - which I may be as I'm also having problems with a teacher - I'd take no action about deregistration. If you simply keep your child away the school's unauthorised absence figures will be high. They will not like that and it is something that may encourage them to deal better with bullies in future. When the LEA take you to task - which will most probably take ages, if they decide to bother - tell them you told the school you'd withdrawn your child and it was up to the head to deregister your child (don't know if that is legally true but will distract them) or that your child is away or actually sick as a result of the bullying or that you are looking for another school. Make it clear this is temporary and that he will be returning to school - just not to that school. By the time they get around to doing anything much he'll be at the grammar school. I don't think derigistration should be a problem with the grammar school anyway as home educated children still go to grammar schools but why run the risk if you don't need to.

Good sources of advice might be education otherwise (home educators) or www.bullying.co.uk (recommended by parents of other bullyied kids, I believe they have advice from lawyers).

THis is the National Curriculum website that covers everything they do from recpetion to year 11 for all subjects

www.nc.uk.net/webdav/servlet/XRM?Page/@id=6016

This gives you the schemes of work for science in particular. you should be looking at the stuff marked 7

www.standards.dfes.gov.uk/schemes2/secondary_science/?view=get

Key stage 3 resources for all subjects

www.ngfl-cymru.org.uk/vtc-home/vtc-ks3-home.htm

Science resources

www.schoolscience.co.uk/content/index.asp

KS3 lesson resources

www.schoolsnet.com/cgi-bin/inetcgi/schoolsnet/home/index-std.jsp

Hope these help.

I also have some more 'fun' based stuff but some of that is quite a bit more advanced, just let me know if you want it. (PS I do actualy teach and not just give them stuff off the 'net honest )

PS I was badly bullied as a child. Tell your son the best revenge is to live well. I'm doing just dandy and most of the bullies that made my life a living hell are not!

Freckle,

I don't think you have to worry too much about the KS3 curriculum. I doubt that they would be covering much of this at the end of year 6. It seems that post-Sats, the kids do a lot of non-academic work - swimming, cycling proficiency, school sports, trips out, making things for the fete, induction days at the senior school, extra PSHE-type stuff, etc. They seem to spend a lot of time (what is left of it) on projects as academic work.

For French, the main thing is probably to teach him a bit of vocabulary and very simple sentences. If they are starting French now in his junior school, it isn't going to be much and he isn't going to be behind. He won't even be that far behind kids that have already been learning some French. My DS started French in Y7, with the rest of the school having started in Y1 and he picked it up just fine - he's one of the top in his class at the end of Y8.

I used to be a science teacher, and our Y7 syllabus spent the first half-term doing lab safety and skills (measuring, etc.) - something that you could easily do together in the kitchen and elsewhere - and a simple investigation that could, again, easily be done at home.

I sugested the Y7 work to help to build up his confidence and self esteem before he goes into Grammar school if he misses the end of Y6

hmb, I second that about living well, i see one of my old bullies regularly, he has no money, spends every night in the pub, is of no fixed abode and has lost his family, his wife kicked him out (an old school friend of mine) and he doesn't see his four kids and the majority of his family are in prison.

Freckle, I really don't know what to say about your ds, except that i know how he is feeling. I think you are being much calmer than me, i would have gone in with all guns blazing. DD1 was bullied for a brief period and i just went in and told them if it wasn't sorted that day i would take it higher and not go through the normal channels. It was sorted that day, they headmistress got the child and the parents in the office.

according to this website

www.underhill.nildram.co.uk/law.htm#Dereg

it is the head who has to register the child not you but he has to do so in 10 days. The LEA may threaten you with a fine of £50 under the antisocial behaviour act if your child has an unauthorised absence of ten half days or more - that's to avoid a court case. If you refuse to pay they can take you to court, but they'd be unlikely to do that because a court might not be very sympathetic when your child was being bullied and was simply being educated at home. Think the least risky action is for your child to be ill until you've checked out deregistration - or for you to ask for a move to another school.

Freckle, I am certain that de-registering out of the state system will not prevent him entering a state grammar. After all that is what thousands of parents who send their children to independant prep schoools do all the time.

The only possible problem I can see is if a particular school or schools is named on a senior school as being a feeder school in their admissions criteria (where I live the Catholic High School has designated Catholic feeder primaries). Children who attend these feeder schools get priority but this is not usually applicable to grammar schools where the 11 plus counts for everything.

Freckle, I know you can't face it atm but I think the governors should be made aware of this, as should the LEA. It's awful that your ds isn't being supported and that the bullies are winning. Your poor ds, it's so unfair. Have you seen the school's policy on bullying or asked to see it? What does that say? Sorry if you've done this, I haven't re read the thread, just latest messages. Good luck with home edding.

The main problem with taking matters further is that the teacher in question has denied her part in the matter. It then boils down to his word against hers, although the head said that, as a result of his enquiries, he's satisfied that it happened as DS1 said, but not necessarily the teacher's part in it. I suppose he has to support his staff and, if we take matters further, no doubt DS1 would have to attend any enquiry. I think this would be too difficult for him. If the teacher maintains her position and the governors believe her, it would be another rejection for DS1.

We also have two other children at the school (well, DS3 will be there in September). They are unlikely to suffer similar problems as they are completely different from DS1. If we kick up a stink about this, that might affect their education. At the end of the day, the timing is about as good as it can be (if this had to happen at all) in that most of the Y6 work has been done, the SATs are out of the way, the 11+ is done and dusted and it's just a question of the last few weeks of term.

Freckle, your post has really shocked me and actually scares me quite a bit if this how bullying is (or is not!) dealt with in schools.

I've no real advice about the withdrawal from school and home ed but you've got lots of that here.

Regarding the kidscape assertiveness courses though - if you can't get on one, are there not activities/clubs your son could join locally that would both increase his self esteem and confidence and give him some techniques in 'self defence' such as Judo or Karate? I'm not suggesting for one moment that he needs to take violent action, just that I think something like that could give him huge confidence and that's the key. My brother took up Judo for this reason at about 11 or 12 and he loved it. I'm certainly going to try and get my boys to do something similar when they are old enough.

Hope you get this issue sorted, it's horrible

Ah, I see Freckle. I didn't know you had other children going there, it does make it more difficult, I agree. Someone said somewhere about the 'history' you acquire as a parent as your child moves up the school and it's so true.

DS1 already does karate and I was thinking of having a word with his instructor to see if he can help boost his self-confidence in the lessons.

I do wonder whether my very reaonsable and reasoned approach to this bullying issue hasn't in fact aggravated matters for DS1. It has to be said that the parents that go storming in demanding action and kicking up a huge stink do get listened to. I was listened to but the action afterwards was very muted and low-key to say the least.

We informed the head that we had instructed DS2 to behave differently. On the first instance of any bullying he is to tell the head. At the second, he's to hit back - hard. He also does karate and is a purple belt (two below black) so hopefully he would only need to do it once.

freckle, I can see why you don't want to take this further. The more messages that appear here, the more the-signed-off-sick-till-end-of-term option looks the best. The head might be very happy to play along with this and not take matters further, especailly if they secretly sympathise with you. If the head is covering up for the teacher, the sick option lets everyone off the hook.

I think tatt made a very good point about telling your son the other children are afraid of challenging the bullies, and so he must not feel they are all against him. Are any of his friends at school going to the same grammar as him? Could you arrange for them to come round during the summer holidays (when your son is no longer 'sick'). That way your son keeps in contact with friends away from the stresses of school? Only you know the answer here - perhaps it's best if he has a clean break from everyone.

Freckle - so interested to hear you say that about ds2's approach. I know that violence should not be the answer and any other approach that works is, of course, preferable but I have to say that if my ds was in trouble this way I'd tell him to hit back. If someone attacked us we wouldn't take it!

When my brother was being bullied at about age 8 or 9 my Dad showed him how to hit back and he did - never got bothered again.

When I was in secondary school and was about 14 I was being taunted by some girls day in day out. One day there were having a go at me as I was walking home so I stopped, turned round quickly and slapped one of them in the face! Never got bothered again either.

It's so difficult though - we don't want to give our kids the message that violence is OK but I'd personally rather my child hit back than cowered in a corner. Just so long as they don't ever initiate attack which neither me nor my brother ever did.

There are only a few boys from his school going to the grammar. Fortunately none of the bullies will be going, but unfortunately neither are any of his particular friends. Clean break, though, could be just what he needs. He can start with no history.

DS1 has in the past been upset that none of his friends has supported him and I pointed out then that that didn't make them bad friends, just not very brave ones. However, it's hard to make that distinction when being humiliated in front of the whole class .

well I hope his friends learn a lesson from this, at least. What a sad situation. I guess you will follow your ds's lead. If he wants a clean break from all his classmates, doesn't want to return to school at all, then that's the best option.

Freckle, I've just seen this and am appalled at the Head's behaviour. He is complicit in allowing bullying to take place, and incompetent teaching too. I am so sad for your ds1, but he has a good future ahead of him. We know several teenagers at the local grammar to us through church and also through ds' primary school, and they are all kind, cheerful, interesting and friendly young people. I was bullied badly at primary school by a gang whom the head let get away with it, and I was appalled to see in the press about a year ago that one of them became a very bad policeman who was caught on CCTV stamping on a suspect's leg (he broke it). Pleasingly, he was convicted and lost his job. Bullies never prosper.
Your ds1 sounds like a lovely young man and I bet he will love and flourish at his new secondary school.

Freckle firstly have you asked your son if he would like you to take it further? He's old enough to make the choice and could see you not going into battle as a rejection too. The head would have to back his teacher but you could start asking questions about how this sort of thing can go on in a classroom with a taecher and teaching assistant and neither of them can have seen it. If they know your son has had problems they should have been keeping a better eye on him.

Can you start teaching your son to fight back now? Karate is a good start but he may need permission from you to hit - maybe play fight with adults to get him used to fighting? One of my friends sons changed school and still had problems at the new school (not a grammar) with different boys. They were dealt with properly at the new school and therefore stopped but fighting back might have stopped it sooner.

DS1 doesn't want us to take matters any further because it would inevitably lead to his having to "give evidence" and, having heard the results of the head's investigation, he has no confidence that he will be believed over the teacher.

He seems very happy with the current situation and is, as I type, drawing up a timetable of lessons based on what he would have been doing at school. I have a number of resources here and online and will be hunting out more in town later on today, so I think we'll manage on the education front.

He has been a different child over the weekend. Extremely hyper and physical, but happy with it. Not sure I could cope if he is going to be like that all the time .

I still have to deal with the school because of the other 2 boys, so, if DS1 is comfortable with what we have done, I don't want to cause any more waves. I'm sure the school will have to explain why a child has been withdrawn and they won't be able to avoid addressing the issue then.

Hmb, I forgot to thank you for the links. Will look at them thoroughly later on today when DS1 is otherwise engaged.

Freckle, hope you soon get firm news about deregistering and the grammar school place, so you can put your mind at rest. As you say, if you withdraw your child, even via illness ( as it will be stress related) the school will have to face the issue at some point.

Your boy sounds very happy that the summer holidays have started early for him in some ways, even though he's expecting to work. I suppose given time, he might change his mind about challenging the school - I guess you will just have to play it by ear.

Freckle, I am teaching but in the independent sector so I don't know the the ins and outs of deregistering. But, I would say in any disagreement with the school, keep notes of phone calls and meetings, keep copies of any correspondence between you and the school and if anyone says anything significant to you ask them to confirm in writing. Ask the head for a copy of the school's bullying policy and for the school governor who has responsibility for school/parent relations. You've probably done all of this, apologies if you have.
If the grammar school is half-way decent then it should be very willing to help. Ask if it has a Friends scheme - older children are allocated a new pupil to contact over the summer holidays, and help over the first week with settling in. If they don't have such a scheme ask them if they would ask an older child who lives near you to do this anyway. Having someone to go to school with could be very useful to your ds in the first week. And ask if ds can visit the school in the last week or so of this term, maybe join in a few end of term activities - again a decent Head of year should think this a good idea!