How did the school you go to affect your later life?

[redskyatnight]

With all the constant parental angst of "which school to send their children to", I wonder if a school REALLY makes that much difference taken in retrospect.

My parents skimped and saved to send me to private school which I hated as I never felt I really fitted in. I came out with a clutch of good qualifcations and went on to a top university. But ... I have also maintained a sneaking feeling that as a driven individual who was pushed by her parents I would have come out with much the same qualifications if I'd gone to the local (average) comp. And I might (obviously no guarantees) have fitted in better and would certainly have been more likely to have had local friends rather than being ostracised by all the local children.

Do you think you would have done better/worse/differently had you gone to a different school?

RubyR- teehee!

I went to the second largest school in Namibia (South West Africa then), there were some good teachers but some horrors too, and they were allowed to hit us which some of them did pretty often. It was a very limited education, lots of yelling and memorisation. I went (alone) to California to finish the last 18 months of High School- started 10th grade in the middle of the year- at an average state school. The teachers were actually qualified to each, and seemed to quite like us. Then I went on to community college because I couldn't afford a proper university, then transferred to Occidental (where Barack Obama went- their most famous alumnus), and graduated Summa Cum Laude. I had a near perfect academic record in the States, but it hasn't made me rich or even financially secure. I know people who have done far better than me in financial/ career terms with far less impressive academic ability. I'be had a bloody great life though, so I don't regret much really. As towhether it's important- I thinkit is, I see childrne here with so many opportunities, and I wonder how much more I could have done with the options they've got now. the worst thing is peers bullying children who want to get on- it's hard to withstand that.

I was a boarder at a public school for the 6th form. I hated it - loathed most of my fellow pupils (lots of overconfident brainless rich brayers) and would be highly unlikely to send my children to private school as a result.

When I went to uni about 50% of the other students were from private schools. They definitley seemed more confident - and more sophisiticated in many ways. I didn't feel inferior - but I did feel that there was a tremendous cultural-knowledge/experience gap (and not just with the private-ed students - just about all the other more middle-class sudents). I set about bridging the gap and it was a very enjoyable task - from learning about food to my first ballet. It was like going through the looking glass. In some ways I feel sorry that dd probably won't have that sense of excitement and appreciation - it will just be ordinary for her.

i went to a European School (any other MNetters who are ES alumni??) in continental europe.

i was very good academically and was bullied really quite badly because of it. funnily i have literally JUST realised, reading this thread, that it was bullying. i completely credit my parents and my brothers (who, despite being younger, were much more popular than me and always stood out for me at school) for ensuring that i stayed who i was and didnt try to dumb down or yield to these bullies. it was a great school in many ways, although not particularly academic, and i found that having to survive those tough years forced me to look for other outlets, such as debating, politics, drama, etc. luckily those outlets were there, and i think i have benefitted hugely from them. i left with great grades and sky high confidence, though i found that at uni i had to go through the whole cycle again and it took me a while to regain my confidence, and thata has always been the pattern.

but bottom line- i owe my family 90% of what i have achieved.

I went to a state RC primary school (in fact the same one where my dd has just started!) which I loved, but I was bright and I was bored! I was always finished stuff early and being held back- I ran SO many messages for teachers/ secretary etc, and was sent out to measure the football pitch with a trundle wheel when they ran out of maths books for me in P6. My mum and dad started to toy with the idea of sending me to a private secondary. My mum taught at the local comp, and wsa becoming very disillusioned with a lot of the teaching there (although she herself was an excellent teacher- as her results and the testimonies of ex-pupils, even to this day, proved!)

I had to sit an entrance exam, and my mum found out (to her horror) that I had no concept of grammar and had never written an essay; knew nothing of punctuation and paragraphs. As an old school English (and Latin) teacher she took this to heart, and coached me up for the entrance exam.

I was really excited about going to my new school, and chuffed to bits when I went straight into the top class. When I got there, however, I had a confidence crash: I discovered I'd gone from being a big fish in a small pond to being a small fish in a pond where all the other fishes had been in the private sector all their days, and knew each other, and weren't particularly impressed in fish that arrived from the comprehensive sector!! So I found it really tough, but I had very supportive parents, who encouraged me to "show them" and gave me all sorts of help and support, so that I was top of the year in that 1st year, and the one that followed. There was no real bullying- the school encouraged a very competitive work ethic, so there was fierce rivalry, and no shame in being brainy. bUt socially, I was a bit of an outcast, and I HATED that, much as I pretended I didn't. Academically I am still pretty confident, but I still worry too much about whether or not people like me, and mull over a conversation to see if I said anything "wrong"

On the plus side, I wanted to be a vet, and my school allowed me to study all 3 sciences at once in my higher year (which most comps didn't), and to sit 6 instead of 5 highers in one year. I got my grades easily, and I think it was a combination of my own ability, good teaching, and the fact that there were very few disciplinary problems in the school- disruptive pupils were simply asked to leave, so teachers were free to concentrate on teaching. Parents were paying, so teachers who didn't get results were complained about vehemently, and usually moved on, as did teachers who couldn't control a class. I was also then able to do A-levels in 6th year, as opposed to the SYS (Sixth Year Studies) more commonly offered in Scotland, which gave me a better chance of getting into an English Uni if I had wanted.

In short, I got the education that suited my academic abilities. Was it the best thing for me- I don't really know. I might have done just as well in the State system, or I might have gotten lazy, we'll never know. I might have fitted in better in the State system (I still abhor the whole Old Boys' network, and only have 2 friends from my time at school) But it did get me where I wanted to go.

Would I send my kids private? Depends VERY much on their personality and academic ability. I had friends at school who were very bright, but who ended up in the bottom stream, considered themselves therefore "thick" and acheived accordingly- only to go back as adults and get 'A's, so don't think it was particularly worth it for them. I NEEDED a kick up the backside...but I didn't particularly enjoy it. I would be looking at the the needs of each of my children, and their intrinsic natures, before I would make that decision, but I doubt they'll go private- certainly not until secondary level.

Phew! Didn't realise I'd written such an essay

I went to a private all girls academic secondary school - hubby went to a sink boys comp in very poor area...we met when we were teens.. (you can imagine my parents reaction!!) We are both teachers in a selective girs school now.... we have 2 sons and i would rather chew my arm off than let eldest (youngest has special needs and so will always be at special school) go to a sink comp.

I was very nonchalant about school when i was there and hated the pressure of having to succeed as it was such a sacrifice for my parents (my dad had to take on 2nd and 3rd jobs to pay the fees)- i must have been a right little ungrateful shit in my parents eyes...i hate myself but i think my son is gonna have a similar experience.I am completely grateful now of course - it was a wonderful school

bigTillyMint, it sounds as though you went to the same school as me!! It too was a terribly old-fashioned grammar school where the 3 senior mistresses wore gowns and the gals who went there were affectionately known as snobs by those from my not-very-brilliant C of E primary (that I think not much later became the roughest in town!). The vast majority didn't really go far (literally or academcially) according to Friends Reunited, whereas those from the boys' grammar (where my db went and which was a much better school) had far higher-flying careers. I was naughty at primary and they (charitably) wondered whether it was because I was bored, so they put me in for the 11-plus a year early and I passed. But then I was criticised by the grammar school teachers for being immature...

I was never really happy at school although I wasn't bullied, but did averagely well and went to a Russell-Group university and got a 2:1. My parents could never have afforded a private school, but my best friend was sent to one (to board) when she was about 9 and she HATED it - as did my dh, who was sent to a state boarding grammar at 11.

I went to a (well) below average comp. I got straight As all the way through and went to a respected redbrick uni (I went to an open day at Oxford but deciced against it as I didn't think I would fit in with the other people I met there). My parents weren't pushy, and always told us being happy at whatever we chose to do was best. I left with a good degree (after a lot of drinking and other shenanigans....) and went on to a professional career.

I don't think the school environment massively influenced my academic results, but my experience of privately educated people is that the main difference is around their aspirations (I didn't have any long term goals, and never have done really) and greater confidence. I do feel that certain teachers helped me a great deal - I had a couple of fantastic teachers and they probably made a huge difference between really good or average grades.

I would rather my DS is state educated, but find myself increasingly wondering whether I was lucky and whether he would do better in a private school.

Have not read whole thread, but my experience of going to a girls' grammar school (excellent - really enjoyed it) which tranformed into a mixed comprehensive by merging four schools into one when I was fifteen, made me determined that my own children would never go to an enormous mixed comp (was not cool to enjoy school at that place - tragic for a child who likes learning). Would love them to have the chance of a grammar educatrion, but that was all but abolished, and the nearest grammar to us is too far for a sensible commute. Our nearest secondaries are on par with hat my old school turned into - ie dramatically negative 'added value' gradings .

The trouble with many state schools now (even "good ones") is that the teachers have to spend so long encouraging or disciplining the minority disruptive children that teaching cannot be as effective as it should be. Traditionally the disruptive children would be the more deprived "council" kids but now schools are seeing more middle class children who have parents who work and therefore indulge them and let them get away with murder so as to not upset them and spoil their precious "quality time." As a result the children have no respect for their parents and no respect for their teachers or indeed anyone in authority. These children in affluent areas are now creating problens which affects the learning of the majority. I have witnessed this whilst teaching and have also had to insist my daughter be moved class due to the appalling behaviour of a boy who owns horses! and a boy with a nanny! and other similar privileged children in a "good" state school.

Ah, I see, MrsToady, these difficult working parents (although you appear to be one yourself) are to blame, oh yes. Along with kids from council estates, obviously.

wierd post mrs toady....

When I was growing up, private schools didn't appear on my radar, but grammar schools were ever present. I went to a comprehensive in a town with four single sex grammar schools. I went to the comprehensive because my mum is a fan, and because it was a Catholic school. We were always very, very aware of the grammars. I got very good exam results at school. I went to a good university on the back of them. I think I probably would have applied to Oxford or Cambridge if I'd been at one of the grammars, because that's what they did, but my college also has a pretty good reputation, and I did a PhD at another pretty good university, so I don't think that's been in any way a problem.

I'm now a teacher in a much more challenging comprehensive than my own. Is that influenced by my schooling?I think so. But also by my parents, my politics, my principles (for want of a better word) - all caught up together. I can't separate out the threads of my influences really.

I went to the local comprehensive and didn't enjoy it much socially.

Luckily, all the teachers said I was destined to fail my GCSEs miserably, so I began working and passed admirably, then left. My more able peers continued in a fairly average sixth form and many much more capable then me failed their a levels.

I went to the local tech college (where the study was much more independent and great prep for university, if you were motivated) and got reasonable results (was never predicted to be able enough to study A levels). I had a great social life there, mixing with mature students, foreign students, tech and vocational as well as a handful of academic study students who chose not to stay in a sixth form. This place, and the tutor guidance I received here really was the making of me. I had very little parental expectation and guidance. My mum wanted me to get a job with her, at the time, as my history of school was not good. She saw supporting me as a potential waste of money.

I have a 2:2, and could have done better. I have a good salary and a rewarding occupation. Maybe with earlier parental guidance I could've done better, but my parents had never experienced higher education.

I think you have to engenger independence and the realization that you only get out of life what you put in. It is the combination of attitude and educational opportunity that works.

Several of my friends went to European School...most went on to the top universities. Not sure that makes for a happier life however! Surely one facet is that you find your way to what is best for you in life. It would be fine achieving the max for a degree, but imagine doing that forever. Some suit it, others would most definately not. I really think you have to guide your children into what suits them, as best you can. If they are academic, then go for it,but if not, find something else they can really sink their teeth into a love. Otherwise, they will find themselves unhappy.

I spent many years in a catholic private school and the conclusion they reached was that the only occupation that I could (hope to) aspire to was as a housewife (not that there's anything wrong with that - I fully appreciate the childhood my Mum gave us - but maybe not what you should tell an 11 year old). I convinced my Mum to let me move to a government school. It was the worst in the area but I thrived and was extremely happy. You worked if you wanted to and the teachers were happy to teach anybody who showed an interest. This took me through sixth form, university and onto a Ph.D. and post-graduate research. I learnt to enjoy learning! Does the school matter? Yes, but it is important for the child to be happy - if they are drastically unhappy, ask yourself why. Children can strive for something and achieve; I had no help at home and nobody either side of our family had ever been to university. On the other hand, it is important that a child should have basic skills by time they leave school.

I enjoyed the schools my parents chose far more than my brother - who presumably had to go because I did. I wonder if it bothers him that so much effort was put into finding the right school for me - and seemingly none into finding the right school for him.

I consequently did better at school but we evened out when we got a choice (ie he got to choose his own uni).

I went to a private single-sex Protestant school and did fine academically, but would have done anywhere.

I didn't like the all-girls environment. It was petty and bitchy. Nor did I like the religious aspect. I thought it was bullshit then and remain a staunch atheist to this day.

I think if you're in an environment where you are expected to do well academically you are more likely to do well. If you achieve in a school where the expectations are low you are achieving in spite of the school and because of the drive you have or because you happen to be very good at certain subjects.

Regarding confidence, the students I met at uni who were privately educated and more confident seemed to have it bred into them that they were destined to be listened to and to do well and some of the tutors seemed to lap this up. Countless times I would start to answer a question in a tutorial only to be interrupted by a Sloaney type who would take my answer, wrap it up in glittering answer paper and the tutor would fall over this person. If you project a confident air people respond to you in a different way. Of course, I noticed the confident, loud privately educated students. I guess there were quieter ones who didn't have the same confidence but weren't as obvious.

beforesunrise - am also an ES alumna .

Have you read the very recently published consultancy report on the career progression of ES alumni?

I went to a local comprehensive school that was ok. I enjoyed my time there on the whole. Having said that I was far too distracted by boys, and found the lessons boring, despite being in the top sets, so I cruised.

I went on to college to do A levels, and didn't really enjoy it at all, and decided against going to university, and went and got a job as a secretary instead, in an IT Department.

After a year I changed jobs within the team, and over time became very skilled in my technology area. I went for an interview with a blue-chip company that "only" hires graduates, but was offered a job anyway, and have continued to progress my career steadily. Whilst I don't consider myself to be a high flyer by any means, I do earn enough to cover my share of the mortgage, bills and school fees for my daughters.

I don't have any regrets, as I am happy, and have enjoyed my jobs. However I think I was lucky to get into the IT industry when I did, and think that with hindsight, a school that focused me better would have been a good thing.

Went to a very good state school with excellent academic records but dreadfull bullying record and I left with 10 gcse's and NO self esteem, which to this day I battle with Am trmbling just writing this. Ther is more to school than sending people out with handfulls of paperwork...they need to function as people as well.

I'd just add another thing, I went to a private convent that was geared towards SAHMotherhood. I was questioning and rebellious and they eventually threatened to expel me and that my sister would then not be allowed to come. It crushed me and I stayed and emerged with the standard clutch of 11 o'levels. I then transferred to a free co-ed grammar school six form...and was completely out of my depth, very clever young people, sassy and socially sophisticated (and entrenched in their cliques). The thing I wanted to say is that young women need protecting, I was very pretty and very naieve and ended up pregnant, dumped just before my A levels (and picked up again after) by the school beautiful rich boy..and to be frank it's damaged the rest of my life. I scraped 2 E's after being predicted A's and B's, ended up at a dodgy ex poly and now have a pt civil service job that's ok. My siblings had a more consistent predominantly private education and are super high flyers. Protect those girls of yours! I didn't have any form of support so was more vulnerable than most but I still think teenage girls can be especially vulnerable and their parents need to watch out for them.

went to a then rubbish (now v good apparently) state comp. Got good grades noe a few prizes but was horribly bullied. Got scholarship to local private girls school but counldn't stand the thought of it so went to shit school instead. then went to state 6th form and got wrecked for 2 years but managed 4 good A levels.

Struggled at Uni though ans still kick myself for not working harder. I think if I'd gone to the private school I may have gone to Oxbridge but don't know if I'd have been happy there and loved manchester Uni where I eventually did my nurse training.