DS has been sent home from boarding school after “sexual behaviour” with another boy

[Ramblewick]

I don’t really know how to explain this properly because my head is all over the place tonight.

DS is 14, and boards full time. School rang me this afternoon and said there’d been an incident involving him and another boy and that I needed to come and collect him. They used the words “sexual behaviour” and “safeguarding” and honestly I felt sick.

DH came with me to get him. When we got there we spoke to his housemaster and someone from pastoral but they didn’t really tell us anything. I was asking what had happened and they kept saying they couldn’t go into detail yet because they needed to speak to the boys separately. They said the safeguarding lead was involved and there’d be a meeting later this week.

They did tell us DS and the other boy weren’t meant to be in the boarding house at that time. They were supposed to be at a club somewhere else on the school grounds but apparently neither of them had gone. They’d gone back to the house instead and that’s where they’d been found.

DS says they were kissing. He keeps saying that’s literally all that happened.

I’m sorry but I’m just confused. If they’ve caught two 14 year olds kissing somewhere they aren’t supposed to be, why has DS been sent home? Why call it “sexual behaviour”? Why is safeguarding involved? I understand they’ve broken the rules by not going to the club but I can’t understand why it sounds so serious.

I’ve asked DS if he’s telling me everything and he says yes. He got really upset with me and said I’m not believing him. He said they were both happy with what was happening and nobody forced anybody to do anything. I asked him if anything else happened and he said no.

And now I’m worrying that maybe he’s only saying that because he’s scared. Then I feel awful for even thinking that because what if he’s telling me the truth and I’m making him feel like I don’t trust him.

DH is absolutely furious. He said DS has embarrassed him and that he can’t believe we’ve had to collect our 14 year old from boarding school because of this. I told him we don’t actually know the full story and he said “we know enough”.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to him. I don’t want him thinking there’s something wrong with him because it was another boy. I did say that to him and he got annoyed and said he doesn’t even know what he thinks about boys and doesn’t want me turning one kiss into a big conversation about whether he’s gay.

Fair enough, but then I’m sitting here thinking maybe the school knows something he hasn’t told me.

The school haven’t said he’s being suspended but he’s been sent home for now and they said they need to speak to both boys separately before deciding what happens next.

I’m also worried about the other boy. What if he’s upset and DS genuinely doesn’t realise? What if something has been misunderstood? What if DS is minimising it? I don’t know and I hate that I don’t know.

At the same time I don’t want to sit here imagining the worst when my son is telling me something completely different.

I suppose we’ll find out more at the meeting but I’m really struggling tonight. DH is angry, and I’m sat here trying to work out whether I should be comforting him, telling him off, asking more questions or just leaving him alone.

Would you be worried if the school handled it like this over kissing? Or would you assume there’s more to it than DS is saying?

I genuinely don’t know what to think at the moment.

You sound like a lovely Mum and handling the best you could be.

I'd wait to see what happens with the school and the next steps they propose. I feel like maybe they were making out in a bed which the school would possibly not categorise as just kissing

Are you 100% sure the other boy 14 as well? Or could it be he is older and the school is worried about grooming so DS has been sent home for his own safety?

The likelihood hood is that it’s being blown out of proportion because they are both boys. Kissing is sexual behaviour so that language is being used correctly but I wouldn’t be surprised if the ‘we really need to think about how to manage this’ part is just melodrama because they are boys.
Who is the other child? Are his parents of any significance to the school in any way?

Sorry about this OP, sounds very stressful.

I guess what I would do is this: I would believe and support my son, and if you find out more, such as he's not been completely truthful, well at least you supported him. Much worse for him to feel vulnerable and genuinely upset about some injustice and for you to distrust him.

I'd be a bit angry with my DH for getting angry. Why is he angry? I'd tell him to go interrogate himself, his own insecurities and then come back when he's ready to be the adult in the room. Because even a hint of embarrassment coming from him right now is ridiculous and is because of HIS stuff, not to do with your son.

I wouldn't fear the worse. This could very well just be the school overreacting and covering themselves.

Until you know more, just breathe xxx

I feel so uneasy with your boarding school staff denying so much possible information, and also the very plausible explanation that they were in fact 2 innocent teenage boys exploring their sexuality

Unless they were elite high status (and therefore the upper crust protecting themselves against stigma) / actually known as a groomer of younger boys... ??? This seems outlandish

So sorry OP
I hope your son is feeling settled

Your DH sounds like a dick. I bet he woukd laugh it off if it was a girl.

He’s 14 years old, likely doing something plenty of 14-year-olds have done. Even if it did involve a bit more than kissing, I don’t think there’s reason for huge alarm as long as they were both around the same ago. The school obviously can’t allow anything sexual to be going on, so they need to respond in some way that makes it clear this can’t happen, but as far as your personal response to it — I’d be tempering it, if I were you. Your DH sounds like he’s being unreasonable with the accusations of embarrassment, etc. He’s likely just being a normal teenage boy.

You only have your son’s story so far.

wait and see what the school say.

Your DH needs to sort himself out, there's nothing embarrassing about boys kissing. As if that hasn't been happening for decades/centuries in all boys schools.

Hopefully it'll all be fine after they've talked to both boys - hopefully without any angry parents there!

Omfg I misread this at first - DH is angry at DS???!!!!
I thought he was angry at school for the treatment
This is abhorrent.
DS if at all possible sounds like needs a good nesting place without family/school authorities breathing down his neck re: reputation

Isn’t this kind of the point of going to an all boys boarding school?

uncertainty is a killer. Sorry you are going through this. I can't see how kissing consensually is a safeguarding issue. Maybe the other boy is embarrassed and has suggested otherwise. It could be a million and one things and until you hear further from the school just involve yourself in what you can control and that is supporting your son.

Well the world has gone mad so this doesn’t surprise me!

Give your head a wobble this is serious! Ask school what has happened and for a copy of their safeguarding policy.

You need to talk to your son and find out what exactly happened
Who initiated it
was he uncomfortable and it was he forced
Did he force other child
Has he done this with anyone else or anyone else done it to him. Were they same age or older.
How did teachers find out.

From school why are they unsupervised?

the school should inform police and children services and hold a strategy meeting on both children to look at risk. You should expect a visit from children services and they will need to speak to your son alone. once they’ve done their risk assessment, they’ll let you know what the outcome is.

If it was just experimentation and curiosityYou could ask them for advice about how to handle sexuality. I’m sure they’ll be able to signpost you and also the School should be able to do that with their pastoral care.

What you need to talk to School is if this is experimenting and innocent which is what they may conclude after they’ve interviewed everybody then you don’t want either child to be bullied ostracised or whatever so that may be something you need to follow up with the School, obviously if there are safeguarding concerns and those would need to be followed up as appropriate.

I think you need to be very careful and very curious as to what your child is experiencing at boarding school so you do need to encourage him to open up to you about what’s been going on as you haven’t been seeing him on a frequent enough basis maybe to see if things have not been right for awhile for him.

edited to add maybe you could let the social worker ask those questions rather than ask them yourself.

You won't know until they tell you what they know and what the other boy is saying. I can only imagine how you must be overthinking, as I think most parents would.

For now though, just hold your son, make sure he knows you are on his side and love him, which it sounds like you do well already. Don't feel the need to say too much, just let him know you are there for him and always an ear. Watch some shows together, do some long drives if you can as they usually help with conversations. Whatever has happened he needs to know you are a safe place. His dad is clearly angry, so let him do that for a bit, but have a word about not shaming him for anything.

Thoughts with you and your son- it’s going to be a long night.

stand by your son right now, he’ll know you’ve got his back unless you have a reason not to. He’ll remember how you react for years to come.

Tbh is be asking be open with him and if there’s conversations between him and the boy on his phone screenshot them or take a photo with your phone to support what your son is saying about theu relationship. You might not need them
and if so no hassle to delete but get your cards in order.

id also be explaining you won’t be showing his dad or anyone else etc atm but you are looking after your son.

pw don’t do screenshots on Snapchat etc if anything is saved in their just use your phone and take a photo of his

It’s going to be a long night for you- hoping it’s better for you tomorrow x

Without being too outing it is a more ‘traditional’ school, they do parades at certain times etc. So I don’t know if that changes anything about how they reacted / if they’re possibly overreacting because they’re boys. It is a mixed school but obviously single sex boarding houses but it makes me wonder how they’d have reacted if it were a girl he was kissing but maybe i’m overthinking

As for DH i think it’s about pride, DS is our youngest and both his brothers went to the same school though they were day pupils, DS wanted to board because he liked the look of all the activities and didn’t want to have to do the commute daily, so we are spending quite a bit more money on ds than his siblings but that’s not really relevant or helpful for dh to be angry about

@Ramblewick “they do parades at certain times etc”

no idea what that means
I think it sounds like the boy might be older

Well school can't keep it from you forever. You do have a right to see the files