One child at private school, one at state: reassurance or pitfalls?

[Dearyme28]

Hello all,

I am wondering if any other parents have had one child in private and one in state or anything similar. No SEN for either child. No scholarship etc or obvious reasoning for doing so.

We sent our eldest to a private secondary with the view to send our second. 3 years later and have them both there at the same time for a while.

However, our second did not want to attend the private school. We insisted they take the exam to at least have the option, which they did reluctantly. They got a place and when we told them, they were incredibly unhappy. Our local high school is in a nice leafy area, close by and results are good. We sent our eldest to the private school primarily for the extra curricular opportunities in house and the extra push academically.

To cut a long story short, we agreed with our youngest that they could try the local high school for year 7 and we would keep an eye on things and review. With the big increase in fees with VAT, we were also wondering if forcing an unwilling child was worth the money (we obviously didn’t say that to our child).

Second child loves it the local high school. Has made some lovely friends and enjoys being closer to home. We have asked if they feel happy with the set up and they say it is what they want. However, I do feel they are cruising academically, and extra curricular at their school isn’t great. To fill this gap I am looking into making sure I keep them busy outside of school and I am getting a tutor. I can see the difference between the schools but I don’t think the difference is so marked, that it will create two different humans at the end of it.

I just feel we should have forced them to do the same as their older sibling for allignment. This is all in hindsight and I know it would be hard to move schools now. I just feel guilty even though both children are very happy, and stupid for thinking that I could live with doing different things for each child. I do have to seemingly explain our choices to lots of interested other parents and I hate that and feel terrible, hence the wobble.

Has anyone done similar and can you give me any reassurance and/or warnings that this will not work well for whatever reason!
Thank you

I mean I've not done it so I cannot comment; and in fact a my DC went to the sam (state) school. But if for example one of them had wanted to go to a different state school, for whatever reason, and that was practicable (they got a place and could get there easily) I would have been fine with that. It’s not a totally dissimilar situation (say our local school was strongly academic and one DC was more sporty and not so able, and they wanted to attend a school with a stronger focus on sport).

This is odd from you I just feel we should have forced them to do the same as their older sibling for alignment. - you wish you had forced your younger DC to go to a school they didn't want to go to, when having gone to another one they are happy and achieving well – with the option of tutoring if needed? Just for alignment? That doesn't sound great but maybe you didn't mean it as it sounded.

Why did your younger DC not want to go to the private school? Were their reasons cogent (for example, wanting friends who lived close by, wanting to avoid a long bus journey)?

Sorry maybe the word alignment was slightly odd to use. I suppose I mean so it all looks ‘fair’ from the outside and it’s just more normal to do the same unless there are other reasons in the mix. Reasons from younger child were friends and making new friends locally, they liked the ‘vibe’ of the local state school. They seemed relaxed and happy when looking around and said it feels more like‘them’. They have mentioned the private being a bit ‘weird and posh’. We always say it really isn’t. The facilities are nicer. On looking around that school I think second child felt like it was too big a leap from primary, too big, too overwhelming. My youngest seems to like security and keeping things simple. My eldest loves trying new things…

I think if you had forced the younger one into the same private school as the elder one, you’d have been faced with a rebellion from the younger, who is happy settled and appear to be thriving.

Your children are siblings, but they are also individuals and may not have even remotely the same interests, plans and needs. They’re both where they want to be.

This is odd from you I just feel we should have forced them to do the same as their older sibling for alignment. - you wish you had forced your younger DC to go to a school they didn't want to go to, when having gone to another one they are happy and achieving well – with the option of tutoring if needed? Just for alignment? That doesn't sound great but maybe you didn't mean it as it sounded.

It sounds fine. For many parents, having children at different schools isn’t practical or possible, so if eldest wants to go to Queen Elizabeth’s but the youngest wants to go to Bash Street Academy, the youngest just has to align.

I mean yes, many parents might try to make their child’s preferences work but many can’t.

I was set to say YABU @Dearyme28 but I don’t think you are. It’s one of those things.

In the moment, it seems fine and everyone seems happy. It seems like the right decision. I would consider the future however - will the youngest expect financial help to the equivalent of the unpaid school fees? I would continue to make it clear to the youngest the opportunities (tutoring, extra curricular etc) that they enjoy as well as continuing to offer private school as an option e.g. for year 10 and keep having the conversation so they remember it and consider it as they are older. You dont want "its all gone wrong because you didnt push me harder when I was 10" to come back o you!

But in this case it was more than practical, surely? The local school is walkable and free so I don’t see what the issue would be – unless the reasons seemed ludicrous (silly children things like "I liked the colour of the head teacher's dress"). In fact the younger DC's reasons seem more than reasonable and genuinely suggest to me that they would not have been happy at the private school. I really don't see why the OP couldn;t make their DC's views work - and in fact they have?

Yes for sure I agree that there can be issues; if one of my DC had wanted to go to Repton instead of a state school, that would not have been practical or possible for us.

@Dearyme28 I think what things look like from outside is no one's business so I woudn't worry about that. If anyone asks I would just say "we felt school x was more suitable for DC" and that ends it.

I do agree tho with @Greenmeansgogogo it’s important to clarify that you are not going to make good the money for younger DC – they don’t suddenly have a £150k house deposit when they are 24. The offer of private schooling was just that and they turned it down. All good. (Tho I would say, as the parent of three very different DC, it’s utterly impossible to be in any way balanced in terms of what they get as a contribution. One of mine didn't go to uni, one went but commuted for much of the time, one is away and doing a long course. I cannot balance that in ££ terms (and no one has asked me to for sure).

Yes we do (all being well) have the capacity to help when both are older and it certainly wont be a case of ‘sorry second child, we spent your unwanted fees on big holidays’ for example. We are putting second child’s fees to one side and if they ever want to jump into the private school (provided there are places…there generally are at the moment due to lower uptake), then they can. They can also go private for 6th form if they want….but we do have a great state sixth form so that would be an unlikely pick.
Second child 100.% knows that if they aren’t happy in their school they can move. I don’t however want to keep asking if they are ok, happy, stretched etc and seem like I am comparing their experiences, so it’s a fine balance.

I would hope you have 2 completely different humans at the end of it!!!!

😂 yes likelysuspect, I’m sure in 5 years it will be instantly obvious to all as to which child was the private human and which was the state human.🤪

Im not sure if you understood what Im saying - they are different children, so even if they went to the same school you should expect them to be complete individuals.

Ah yes I completely understand what you are saying.

It’s an interesting one. I went to private school and my older sister didn’t. She was offered a place but didn’t want to leave her friends who were going to the local high school and my parents didn’t want to make her unhappy in that moment.
In adulthood she has had resentment that she was allowed to decide, despite being a child, and feels that she may have missed opportunities that could have led her on a different path.

This is what I was getting at about by repeating the conversation as the youngest gets older. So that a decision they made at 10 or 11 years old doesnt define their future if they change their mind, and to avoid them holding it against OP.

Your between a rock and a hard place OP! The joys of parenting... Support them to make their own choices and you deny them opportunity, or push them into the private school riding roughshod over their own opinion!

"I just feel we should have forced them to do the same as their older sibling for allignment."

But why? Your children are two different people. They have different needs and wants. You are currently giving both of them the different school experiences they want. They are happy. What is wrong with that?

That's the bottom line OP. You can't win unfortunately.

I think all you can do is keep re-visiting the issue with your younger child, make them aware that moving to private is an option any time they choose. Keep the dialogue open. As well as genuinely offering different options, it'll keep the subject active, so your child can't complain at a later date that they were just dumped in a state school with fewer advantages.

Not to derail the thread, but is there an attainment gap between the schools? Not all private schools are exceptional, equally some state schools achieve excellent grades for a high percentage of students. Is tutoring an option?

I suppose I have read many a thread on mumsnet recently about similar issues, and have read comments such as ‘of course you should do the same for both’, ‘you may create long term resentment once they become adults’, ‘private for all or not at all’ etc etc
So whilst I feel I have given choice, should I really have given that choice to an 11 year old or should I have said ‘we know best’,

I imagined the possibility of her not liking the private school, and then moving to the local state..,I decided that way around might be harder….as the state school is bigger and child might not have as much help settling.

i have also had a lot of raised eyebrows about this decision from friends family and anyone who hears about it at the school gates!

@Dearyme28 We used different systems at primary and DD1 left y6 snd DD2 left y3 at the same time. So DD2 had the rest of primary at a prep school which DD1 didn’t want. DD1 wanted to stay at the primary so she did. Both went to private secondary. I would keep dc where they are happy. They might have to understand finances later on though. Private schools don’t always offer extra push either. They offer a broader education in many ways but not always more academic.

There is an attainment gap yes but it isn’t huge considering the state school takes from quite a large catchment and will have a mix of tutored kids and kids who are very behind. The private school screen ability at year 7, so all the students are either meeting expectations or exceeding expectations when they start. If we’re just talking GCSE results id expect a tutored child in the state school to do very similarly to a child in the private school…

I think all you can do is make it clear to DC2 that they can change their minds if they want...but it sounds like they won't, and that's fine!

Honestly though I'm quite impressed by a child who, at 10 or 11, knew what they wanted so clearly. I think at that age I just went along with whatever my parents decided!

The key is that you have made it clear to the younger one that she can move if she wants and she has made it clear she doesn’t want to. Also, the schools seem fairly similar in attainment for a bright child.

The MN threads about different schools for siblings (not that I have seen many) are probably more about where the parents are driving the decision rather than the child eg limited finances.

I would answer queries with “each girl is where she wants to be”

If both children are equally happy where they are, then surely that's as fair as can be? If one of your kids was disabled you wouldn't have refused to send them to a SEND school because their sibling couldn't go. If the attainment is similar then I wouldn't worry unless your state child starts wanting to do extra curriculars that their school doesn't offer, but their sibling's school does. I guess, if you could afford both children to go private if they wanted, you could also afford for your state school child to do some hobbies through private teachers or clubs if they wanted?

I was forced to go to a private convent school against my wishes. I wanted to sit the 11+ but I wasn't allowed. I still resent that.

Do you really believe this? We had one in Grammar School and the other went to private school. Grammar School child emphatically didn’t feel hard done by. Later in their educational career we paid for an MA course for them.

I think the clue was in the emojis that this was tongue in cheek!