One child at private school, one at state: reassurance or pitfalls?

[Dearyme28]

Hello all,

I am wondering if any other parents have had one child in private and one in state or anything similar. No SEN for either child. No scholarship etc or obvious reasoning for doing so.

We sent our eldest to a private secondary with the view to send our second. 3 years later and have them both there at the same time for a while.

However, our second did not want to attend the private school. We insisted they take the exam to at least have the option, which they did reluctantly. They got a place and when we told them, they were incredibly unhappy. Our local high school is in a nice leafy area, close by and results are good. We sent our eldest to the private school primarily for the extra curricular opportunities in house and the extra push academically.

To cut a long story short, we agreed with our youngest that they could try the local high school for year 7 and we would keep an eye on things and review. With the big increase in fees with VAT, we were also wondering if forcing an unwilling child was worth the money (we obviously didn’t say that to our child).

Second child loves it the local high school. Has made some lovely friends and enjoys being closer to home. We have asked if they feel happy with the set up and they say it is what they want. However, I do feel they are cruising academically, and extra curricular at their school isn’t great. To fill this gap I am looking into making sure I keep them busy outside of school and I am getting a tutor. I can see the difference between the schools but I don’t think the difference is so marked, that it will create two different humans at the end of it.

I just feel we should have forced them to do the same as their older sibling for allignment. This is all in hindsight and I know it would be hard to move schools now. I just feel guilty even though both children are very happy, and stupid for thinking that I could live with doing different things for each child. I do have to seemingly explain our choices to lots of interested other parents and I hate that and feel terrible, hence the wobble.

Has anyone done similar and can you give me any reassurance and/or warnings that this will not work well for whatever reason!
Thank you

Yes it’s the slightly broader curriculum that my state schooled child won’t access. The the state school actually offers one subject that my child loves and the private doesn’t offer it. It’s not a particular career defining subject but she does enjoy it.
The private school is just more ‘shiny’ and enthusiastic. Modern facilities, teachers who seem invested and not burnt out, a chance to do their music lessons within the school day, immediate response if a parent needs advice or help, nice parents evenings and a sense that your child is ‘known’ and valued.
The state has less of the frills but still delivers a good education,
I think I have found the difference a little bothersome, as I don’t want to be unfair to my kids. But I don’t think the details mentioned above matter to my second child at all.

It’s difficult as your dc doesn’t want to go but I know people where it has caused issues as adults.

He’s very young so may not appreciate the ramifications of his decision or he may be fine with it.

It sounds fine to me. Your youngest has made it clear what he wants, and you have decided to get him tutors if necessary, so he shouldn't be hindered in the future. I think you're right to keep an eye on grades as you obviously want them both to have the same opportunities later on, but if you say the school has good grades I wouldn't be overly worried.

They are two different humans. Treat them as such.

It was sarcastic I promise. 🙂

Yes I suppose this is the worst case scenario isn’t it 😬 I perhaps should have insisted and built second child up to the private school. I listened to the protesting a bit too much. So now I’ll have to live with the risk and monitor the situation

That is interesting and sounds very similar. Can I ask if your older sister was given the chance to move during her high school years or was it year 7 or not at all? Was it extra opportunities she feels she missed?

I have 2 siblings. I went to local state, one to local non fee paying grammar and one went to private. We were lucky that there were lots of good schools around where we lived. We all went to the school that suited us. I have not been disadvantaged or feel like I missed out by going to state school. I enjoyed it and did well because it was the right school for me.

I did exactly this with my DS's.

DS1 wanted to go to the fee paying school-most of his peer group were.

DS2 absolutely did not want to follow his brother-despite being offered a Sports scholarship.

As it worked out I think DS2 ended up very happy with his choice go to our local state school-no regrets at all. DS1 has wonderful friends and now a very good job, DS2 thrived with his choice of walking to school/local friends and doing the sport there.

Both very happy in life-good jobs, great partners and generally indistinguishable at this point about who went where..
I think the fee paying/state school is very dependant on the specific schools.

And I def think trying to make everything exactly the same isn't always the way to go...especially when they are enough to have an opinion.

@Dearyme28 as I recall, she wasn’t offered the opportunity again after year 7. Her feeling was that she had possibly missed extracurricular activities that might have opened up new worlds to her rather than the education itself.
I ended up in a creative career that was encouraged and enabled by my very well resourced school. My sister didn’t have obvious creative leanings but always wonders if they might have emerged had she been in the same school environment.

Reading other replies suggests there is no clear win here. Your child could resent you for sending them and could resent you for not sending them! What sounds different from how my family handled it is the open and ongoing communication you are planning to have re options and also the bringing in of tutors etc if needed/wanted.
I think a sense of fairness between siblings is so important but there may be imaginative ways to achieve that.

Thanks for this. Did you ever wobble over your decision to listen to what your second child wanted? Were they quite similar schools overall in terms of results etc

In my humble opinion and experience there is nothing so valuable in educational attainment as being happy day to day in the school you’re at. If later they say ‘why didn’t you push me to the private school? I’ve missed out on Lacrosse/match teas/smaller classes etc’ then you say very firmly, ‘we made the decision based on what suited you and where we all felt you’d be happiest, including your opinion’. who gives a shit what outsiders think about what is “fair”.

I’ve had four children (now adults) go through private, private with academic scholarship, grammar and comp. My DS who went to the comp was the only one of the three to get into Oxbridge. Not that Oxbridge is the be all and end all but what it demonstrates is that you’re not necessarily going to be able to tell your “private” child from your “state” child by the university they go to. At least that’s my observation of them and their university friends, no idea who went to what type of school. So I wouldn’t think of state school as a less good start, how they do in life is about so much more than that.

I wouldn't worry about it, you don't have to justify your choices to anyone and you have clearly done what you felt best for your children.

Most people who use private school barring the very wealthy feel forced to do so because the state offering in their area is absolutely appalling educationally and full of drugs and knives.

If you are lucky enough to have access to a decent state school it is easy to fill in the gaps with sports and other opportunities outwith school.

This also provides the advantage of different friendship groups not just the same kids from your school.

I think you need to stop worrying about what others might think.
My 3 children went to a variety of schools (private and state and Steiner) at different times on the "horses for courses" principle ..... I cared not one jot about how it might look. I did what suited each child. They are all fine now as adults. All have degrees and more.

Thank you all so much for your advice ❤️ I’ll keep them where they are but always keep their options open

You have two children, both happy in their education settings, that’s not a given and not to be taken for granted. We’re about to do the same if our second child gets into the state school he’s on the waiting list for. Our dd loves her private school and our ds took the exam and got a place. But he really prefers a local state school and we love their ethos too, so I’d far rather he goes where he’s happy and has chosen.

Thanks so much @selondon28 that’s great to know I’m not the only person and other parents have done/are doing similar. Is the state school vastly different or just a completely different feel all together to your DDs private?
My two are both girls so I suppose I compare their journeys too much and want them to feel like they have the best paths opened to them.

I was in a similar predicament and said that DC2 had to go to the same school as DC1.

I think DC2 may have been more suited to the state school - less pressure, easier going kid in general but it felt wrong for them not to both avail of the same opportunities.

Relatives in our family have three children. They sent the eldest to a well known private boarding school The two youngest went to the local school. The eldest now has his own company, is very successful in his chosen career. The youngest two didn't have careers. They travelled a lot and seem very happy. Both live abroad and neither visit their parents much.

ETA Their parents have never spoken about it but its hard not to imagine there isn't some resentment.

Our DC went to different grammar schools so even in those schools, there were differences. A fair few parents chose private education for younger siblings who did not pass 11 plus but then moved them state at 16 plus. Or vice versa.
I would not assume the resentment always goes one way. Private education can be more work and pressure and state school can be a more fun experience. What would be difficult is the longer holidays. Every child likes a longer holiday!
I would focus on giving the younger child various 1:1 opportunities via tutoring, nice school trips, extra hobbies. Also maybe some extra family travel is possible. It is perfectly possible to spend a fair amount rounding a state school child. It is things such as private language lessons, music, extra sports coaching, drama/elocution, summer camps.

Some of my cousins went to private schools and siblings to excellent state. Never resented each other as there was always a reason eg dyslexia or child preference. You do have a reason - it wasn’t favouritism on your part.

Never.

The boys are chalk and cheese and a one size fits all approach to education isn't-in my humble opinion- always the best way.

Second child stubborn and determined-and we felt he deserved input.
It helped that the local school was very good and had outstanding provision for a sport he loved.

But no regrets. Good luck!

I think it’s great that you are respecting your children. And your choices aren’t ’beautiful private school’ versus ‘struggling local school with violence’ so I think it’s great to give your kids autonomy here.

My children go to state school and the high school is challenging. My daughter navigates all sorts. One of her friends is at private as is her older sister but their middle brother flat out refused to go. They forced him for a year and he was a nightmare so they let him go to the state school and he’s a different kid. But the comparison between those two school is way, way more stark than what you’re describing so they really had a hard time with it. At the end of the day though, an unhappy child won’t engage or learn properly so they decided to let him try.

I don't remember ever getting a choice or being asked about what school I wanted to go to! I was just told I was going to the same one as my older sibling. Perhaps the mistake was in offering a choice but now you've gone down that route I think you have to respect the child's preference.

I think it’s fine but (and this might be controversial) I would then spend the exact same amount of money spent on the eldest’s education on the younger one. So money on additional tutoring, extracurriculars, save for driving lessons etc. otherwise I think there could be resentment further down the line in terms of money.

This. Your children are individuals who should go to the school that suits them, not be forced into a school because of some kind of artificial idea of equality, or siblinghood your youngest is happy at the local state school. Your eldest is apparently happy but their private school. Fantastic!

I will also be sending my eldest to a private school ( she’s already there), and my youngest to a state school. Because those are the schools that will suit them best.

If you’re worried about equality of amount of money spent on them, this is something that can be worked out over a lifetime, not 5 to 7 short years. My youngest is sen, so it may need quite a bit of expensive support, in which case it will leave out. If not, we will simply have a provision in our wills that a chunk of money will first go to the youngest for equality, and then the rest of our estate will be divided equally.

OP, I had two children in private schools (one assisted place, one scholarship and bursary) and three at state school. Now they are adults, even though one DD said, “You’d never send me to that awful school, would you?” of the private school (because it was essentially at the time a boys’ school that took girls) there is a bit of resentment now she’s an adult. The biggest thing an independent school gives you is choice - my youngest couldn’t do the A levels she wanted because of block timetabling; the independent school DC could do whatever they liked. If you are in a position to do so, you could always sent your second DC to independent school for the sixth form, although they might not want to go, and these days, it seems to count against you for university applications. I sincerely hope your DC will be happy and successful, but don’t be surprised if DC2 makes comments in the future, even though the state school is their choice - it’s just the way of DC sometimes! I am profoundly grateful that I don’t have the problem of choosing schools any more - I did what I thought was right at the time, and thankfully, we none of us get to read the other ending.